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Friday, October 19, 2018

Russian to Judgment

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, putin, heaven, nuclear war

Considering all of the sex, violence, and name-calling currently in the news, we thought it would be refreshing to present a story with a more spiritual side.

Specifically, Vladimir Putin has announced that in the event Russia suffers a nuclear attack, all of the Russians who are incinerated will go straight to Heaven. Yay!

Granted, we think his theology may be a little suspect on this particular point, as pretty much all faiths demand belief in their core tenets and require acts of redemption to get past Saint Peter (or in this case, Saint Petersburg) rather than simply dying in a spectacularly colorful way.

Still, Putin asserts that the glow-in-the-dark Russians would have been martyred, which is apparently akin to having a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Mind you, we thought that only worked if you were martyred for your faith - but who are we to question a world leader who poisons journalists he doesn't like?

Gulp.

Then again, maybe Vlad got insights into a change in the eternal entrance requirements in a vision in which he was told, "After my resurrection, I have more flexibility."

35 comments:

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

There's an "All Dogs Go To Heaven" joke in here somewhere, but a rare bout of good taste on my part restrains me. :)

REM1875 said...

During my glorious and illustrious military career as a peon most of us did wished the russians would go to heaven in a flash ..........

Judi King said...

This from an atheist?

Sortahwitte said...

That's the sweetest thing I ever heard from a commie rat. Just don't steal my bodily essence. Does it show my age when everything nuclar' brings up a reference to "Dr. Strangelove"?

Geoff King said...

I read that, ever since the Chernobyl disaster, potatoes are being grown in the neighboring still-radioactive soil, but they are distributed throughout the country and mixed in with the non glow in the dark variety. This means that all Russians are already slightly radioactive and, more importantly, so is all Russian vodka.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Geoff King - Vodka's not an issue. Depending on the proof, they distill most of the deuterium out of it before bottling...

Pete (Detroit) said...

Emmentaler - Well PLAYED, sir! Way to cut to the juice of the matter!

Easygo said...

Putin forgot to mention the part about the 72 virgins...

TrickyRicky said...

Why, oh why, are some many world leaders clearly insane? Honest question.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@TrickyRicky: You gotta be insane to want to run an entire country. ;-)

American Cowboy said...

@ TrickyRicky
Being more spiritual than religious I would say they are insane because of something I read many years ago about the Devil tempting Christ with all the governments of the world if Jesus would worship the Devil, saying that he, the Devil, owned all the governments. The leaders of governments pretty well imitate their leader, IMO.

Igor said...

@Easygo
That's 72 Sturgeons...

It's difficult to find virgins any more. The Russ make do with what they got available.

Rod said...

Let's hope Putin as a good sense of humor (most Russians do), because he already has this edition of Stilton's Place.

John the Econ said...

I suppose he's taking a page from Islam for a motivator for miserable people to look forward to dying for the cause. But he's really going to have to sweeten the deal a little better than that in order to get any traction with the kind of people he needs to buy into this. After all, the Muslims are supposedly promised 72 virgins for their sacrifice. Perhaps Vlad should throw in a couple of Zils and a condo at Sochi.

As pathetic as this seems, are we really that far behind? As my church has been on a trajectory towards total SJW intersectional conformity over the last few years, it's only a matter of time before I hear in a sermon that dying for the Progressive cause will mean that I'll be rewarded with free college and health care in heaven.

Hey, that's a great meme for UnPlanned-UnParenthood, isn't it?

Alej said...

""They will simply die because they won't even have time to repent," he said to some laughter from the audience."

Is it possible all that was tongue-in-cheek? Putin has been known to josh.

Stan da Man said...

Igor - 72 Sturgeons?!??!?
Roe is THEY!

Anonymous said...

Journalist always want to blame the persons that they do not like (nationalists opposed to globalists). Both Putin and Trump are nationalists. So, when a journalist in England or Saudi Arabia gets killed, the fake news media has a story of condemnation against their boogy-man. The poisoning of the reporter story in England has been disproven to have been a Russian hit job.

Anonymous said...

Russia is a Christian nation. Putin is a Christian, not a Communist. The Soviet Communist Union was overturned many, many years back.

Doug M said...

*heheee*
Great minds think alike, ol' son:
http://www.sondrakistan.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/dumps-putin-heaven-nuke-war.jpg

Judi King said...

@ anonymous: Russia is not even a half Christian nation. Anyone including Putin can SAY he is, as did our last president, but actions speak louder than words. Putin implements anti-Christian policies. And, if you think there's no communism there, think again.

capt fast said...

I see this one was posted at midnight. The great spirit woke you from a sound nap???? provided a bit of enlightenment, did the great spirit????
old vlad is late to the party as they had already heard this one from nakita the great and noble one. when he found out that villages of less than 1500 population were targeted with MIRV warheads; that old shoe slapper said so in new york city after he found no socialist redeeming value there... Present day evidence to the contrary, there is still no socialist redeeming value to NYC. But boy howdy, vlad will definitely save LA. lots of socialist value there.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Does that joke start "Why does Putin lick his balls?"...

@REM1875- A pleasing fantasy at the time, but not one that would end well for us I'm afraid.

@Judi King- Well, you know what they say: "there are no atheists in concrete-reinforced underground bunkers."

@Sortahwitte- I LOVE "Dr. Strangelove" and wish more people were still watching it to learn the lessons it teaches (and brilliantly).

@Geoff King- It probably works out well, considering light bulbs are hard to obtain.

@Emmentaler Limburger- They should boast about that on the label of the vodka bottle! "Less killing! Great taste!"

@Pete (Detroit)- We're all in the fast lane here.

@Easygo- A pity that all those guys getting 72 virgins will have been blinded by the flash...

@TrickyRicky- That IS an honest question, and one which I fear has no good answer. A lot of them are clearly certifiable.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I agree. It takes a monumental amount of egotism combined with a detachment from reality.

@American Cowboy- Best explanation I can imagine. Great comment.

@Igor- 72 Sturgeons? Sounds fishy to me! (And now I'm wondering how I can work a "72 surgeons" punchline into a Johnny Optimism cartoon...)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- Oh, Vlad will understand that I'm not taking any pokes at him. When we get together we laugh and laugh! Granted, I'm laughing really nervously, but even so it's a good time.

@John the Econ- If I was Russian, I'd certainly be wanting a much sweeter deal. Although I guess it depends on your conception of Heaven. I've sometimes wondered if we all go to the same place, but those who are saved consider it Heaven but those who are unrepentant find eternity in the same place to be Hellish.

And I daresay you're right that we'll see more and more of a conception of "sacred martyrhood" for the SJW types whose suffering is almost entirely self-afflicted.

@Alej- Putin indeed has a great sense of humor. Remember how he laughed and laughed every time Obama tried to give him an order?

@Stan da Man- I believe in the Kuran this is referred to as the "Caviar Caveat."

@Anonymous- Good points. And I don't blame Trump or Putin for being nationalists. Shouldn't that actually be a job requirement to run a country?

@Anonymous- While Putin may be a Christian, I'm not sure he's actually devout.

@Doug M- Yeah, a story like this is catnip to folks like us!

@Judi King- I, too, am skeptical about Putin's "faith." Fortunately, I believe Christianity has already figured out a way to sort out the actual believers from the fakers when it will most count.

@capt fast- Truth be told, I always schedule my posts to go "live" at 12:05 am on Mon, Weds, and Fri. I actually write and upload them mid-afternoon of the previous day.

And I agree with your observations about New York and L.A!

Sortahwitte said...

Stilton. Dr. Strangelove is my all time favorite. That's where I learned what dark satire was all about. I saw it in a movie theater when it first came out, then I started with a vhs copy that was so murky it was hard to watch. I know it was b&w, but the copy was bad. Then I had one of the first dvd of it. Better, but still not right. Then I was told it was intentially shot that way. Who knew. The movie has a lesson or comeback for almost every situation in life. From "you'll have to answer to the Coca Cola company", "Gentlemen, you can't fight in the War Room!", and then "where's Major Kong?" Actors like George C. Scott, Sterling Hadyn, Earl Jones, Slim Pickens and Peter Sellers x3. Truly a cinematic treasure.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sortahwitte- Yes to all of the above. One of the all time greats!

Jim G. said...

Well..I hope and pray we all go to heaven. How many souls have you helped to get there? That is God's mission for all of us, really.

Peace,
Jim G.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

"A pity that all those guys getting 72 virgins will have been blinded by the flash.."

...and THAT could be considered a blessing. I mean, why are most virgins virgins?

Fortescue J. Giraffe said...

@Emmentaler does have a point. They could be getting 72 Mortal Kombat champions...

James Daily said...

Question: If Russians go to Heaven when vaporized, do the one that die from natural or violent deaths not go to Heaven? Inquiring minds and all that. Stilt: This one was hilarious.

valvenator said...

I always envisioned Ali, Ahmed, Omar, Amir, Yousef etc. or any of your fave dead terrorists surrounded by 72 cranky old nuns with rulers in hand.

B.C. said...

Algore and Vlad must've held a Sooper Seekrit Summit and started a New Age religion, whereby all adherents to the faith who meet their demise via Nukular Nihilayshun will release their Chernobyl Chakra and achieve Nirvana. May The Piss Be Upon Them.

Rod said...

@ valvenator: Rulers to measure their what? Oh,that would be justice. THEN smack 'em.

John the Econ said...

@Stilton, your idea of what heaven might be like sounds like one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- I wasn't familiar with that Twilight Zone episode! I'll have to track it down, definitely.

DoulosDS said...

Judi King is right about Russia (and they said Hitler was a Christian, too), but the same can be said of every nation; in John 8:42, Jesus said to them (unbelievers), “If God were your Father, you would love Me, for I proceeded forth and have come from God... You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him... he is a liar and the father of lies." No sugar coating there!
And in Mathew 7:15, "You will know them by their fruits." and 7:19 "Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire..." That's the BAD news... The GOOD news is that no one has to go there, we just have to accept His free offer of adoption. John, Acts, and Romans is all we need to get started in an amazing new life in Him. Thanks Stilt, for wrapping so much truth in humorous fun.