Friday, October 19, 2018
Russian to Judgment
Considering all of the sex, violence, and name-calling currently in the news, we thought it would be refreshing to present a story with a more spiritual side.
Specifically, Vladimir Putin has announced that in the event Russia suffers a nuclear attack, all of the Russians who are incinerated will go straight to Heaven. Yay!
Granted, we think his theology may be a little suspect on this particular point, as pretty much all faiths demand belief in their core tenets and require acts of redemption to get past Saint Peter (or in this case, Saint Petersburg) rather than simply dying in a spectacularly colorful way.
Still, Putin asserts that the glow-in-the-dark Russians would have been martyred, which is apparently akin to having a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Mind you, we thought that only worked if you were martyred for your faith - but who are we to question a world leader who poisons journalists he doesn't like?
Then again, maybe Vlad got insights into a change in the eternal entrance requirements in a vision in which he was told, "After my resurrection, I have more flexibility."
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM