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Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2018 is nearly done, and few of us will be shedding bitter salt tears over its passing. It was a year which frequently lacked subtlety or rationality - seemingly the new norm in the hyperbolic, neon-colored, Thunderdome world of Donald Trump versus the Lunatic Left.

JANUARY



Donald Trump started the New Year's ball rolling by tweeting that he is "like, very smart and a stable genius," which is pretty much all it took for the Left to declare it prima facie evidence that the man is nuts. An opinion which they didn't change after what may or may not have been the President's questionable choice of words regarding certain third world countries...



In a closed meeting about special immigration protections for some populations, Trump allegedly asked "why do we want people from shithole countries?" Despite the fact that the quote couldn't be verified, Trump was vilified by the Dems as a racist (yawn), while others wondered "why do we want people from shithole countries?"

As it turns out, we'd want them to clean up the rubble in case the world was destroyed during a government shutdown...



Leave it to CNN to turn a boring government shutdown into a possible apocalypse. Which is exactly what they did with their preposterous claim that the "Government Shutdown Risks An Undetected Asteroid Strike."

Not that potential catastrophes were absolutely impossible...



Trump stated that he was willing to be put under oath to answer questions from Special Weasel Robert Mueller regarding Russian collusion, potential obstruction of justice, and the whereabouts of the kidnapped Lindberg baby. Happily, we'd make it to the end of the year without that happening. Meanwhile in...

FEBRUARY



We learned from Democratic operative Donna Brazile, who has miraculously not shot herself multiple times in the back of the head, that in the run-up to the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton literally bought the debt-ridden DNC in order to ensure that she would become the nominee, thus disenfranchising the young Democrat voters who overwhelmingly and enthusiastically supported Bernie "I'll Drop Out for a Lake House" Sanders.

Of course, Hillary wasn't the only politician finding questionable ways of spending money...



Trump caused renewed conniption fits by declaring that the United States would put on a giant, wildly-expensive military parade to show the world our awesome destructive capabilities and our talent for presenting entertaining, highly-choreographed events. Plans for the parade fell by the wayside when the President redirected his laser-like attention to playful squirrels on the White House lawn.

Which allowed the media to direct their attention to the squirrels who had previously occupied the White House...


Laughably awful official portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama were unveiled, with art critics swooning over the works solely because they were created by persons of color. Which should have been taken as a considerable insult to the many persons of color who - unlike these hacks - have actual artistic skills

And speaking of hacking, in mid-February we finally got an accounting of Russia's actual financial investment in (ahem) corrupting the 2016 election...


Despite the media's claim that Russian election interference was "a worse attack than Pearl Harbor," it turns out that Putin's evil army spent $46,000 on Facebook ads, compared to over $81 million spent on Facebook by Clinton and Trump. In other words, over 99.9% of campaign ads on Facebook weren't originated by Russia, making it pretty darn unlikely that Russia had any influence on the election's outcome whatsoever (and certainly less impact than Facebook's own anti-conservative bias). 

This apparently struck President Trump as good enough news for him to make a happy and hardly unexpected announcement...


Trump announced that he'd be running for President again in 2020. This set a new official record of early declaration for the office, but failed to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words. 

Words were also on the mind of another former first lady...


Okay, it wasn't actually going to be a sex manual (apparently some asshole had already used the name "Obama Sutra" on a book), just a standard memoir which sold for an un-standard price: Michelle and Barry split $60 million for their respective book deals. And while their books might not be page-turners, the calendar pages predictably turned to...

MARCH

The world was once again shocked, shocked, by an announcement from Donald Trump...


Trump agreed to meet with North Korea's leader, Kim Jung Un, to discuss the possible denuclearization of the nasty little dictatorship. Hilariously, serial liar and Obama insider (but we repeat ourselves) Susan Rice immediately came forward to suggest that, prior to the meeting, Trump avail himself of the "expertise" which informed the Obama administration's feckless (and fecked up) policy of watching North Korea build increasingly powerful nukes.

Of course, Trump wasn't the only high profile politician working the international scene...


We didn't make up Hillary's wildly offensive statements above. This is what she was spewing in India while promoting her book "What Happened," describing the millions of Americans who voted for Trump as hateful, misogynistic racists who would actually have to improve to be deplorables. 

Not that those on the Left hated those who were actually deplorable...


Aging porn star Stormy "Sperm Bank" Daniels was interviewed on 60 minutes about her nightmarish experience of having consensual sex with a man who gave her a six-figure paycheck to keep her mouth shut, after which she realized, heartbreakingly, that she could likely get seven figures for blabbing. Oddly, the simple act of a whore raising her price made her a feminist hero.

And while on the topic of people who don't take human reproduction seriously enough...


While in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering (or some word that sounds similar) the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress." Yes, he actually played the relay race card.

But even the notion of a million fetal versions of Barack Obama couldn't quite make us supportive of the ghouls at Planned Parenthood...

Giddy from getting 500 million taxpayer dollars in the "Omnibus Funding Bill," a Pennsylvania branch of Planned Parenthood came up with this bold initiative to make their services more appealing to very young girls who weren't aborted.

And that wasn't the only entertainment related news...



After striking development deals with Barack and Michelle Obama, streaming giant Netflix made Susan "Bald-Faced Liar and Accessory to Murder" Rice a member of their board of directors owing to her "great expertise" with foreign policy. The company would subsequently go on to lose over one third of its stock market value, decimating the retirement portfolio of America's best-loved (and least known) political cartoonist.

Although there would at least be a bit of comic relief coming up in...

APRIL



Actually, we don't need to give any additional explanation to that cartoon, do we? Rather, we should save our wits for trying to decipher other mysteries...



Disgraced former FBI director and serial-leaker James Comey announced a publication date for his tell-all book, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership." The book was a compilation of insights by a man who couldn't find dirt on Hillary, a stunt that even Helen Keller couldn't pull off despite being blind, deaf, and dead.

That's a combination of conditions that the rest of us might envy, considering we still had to put up with nonsense like this in...

MAY



Actually, Michelle, there's a new and immeasurably better First Lady in town. Not that she has ever been shown the proper respect...



Melania Trump was gracious, elegant, and compelling when giving an anti-bullying speech, but Progressives attacked the world traveling, multi-lingual First Lady for having a "funny accent" and not "sounding like an American." This from the same people who have helped flood our nation with so many illegals that we now have to punch buttons on our phones just to continue a conversation in English.

And of course, there had been no such criticism of Hillary "I Always Carry Hot Sauce!" Clinton when she'd previously had a sudden attack of "Amos-and-Andyitis" when addressing a group of African Americans.

But that didn't mean that race was no longer a sensitive subject...

The glasses make all the difference.
Following Roseanne Barr's career-ending tweet, everyone resolved to use much more civil language in...

JUNE



Well, that didn't last long! After all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman, alleged comedian Samantha Bee took to the airwaves to declare that "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt." After which, withered miniature actress Sally Field tweeted her disagreement with Ms. Bee because "cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest." Making us think that the onetime Flying Nun likely experienced a few too many crash landings without a helmet.

So, too, did our hopes crash when hearing the results of the DOJ Inspector General's report on James Comey...



The report called Comey's actions in Hillary Clinton's alleged investigation "extraordinary and insubordinate," and added that various FBI agents assigned to the case were actively working to "stop Trump," but suggested no charges for anyone involved because, as Comey said of Hillary, no harm was intended.

Which pretty much made it official that America has no instrumentality for acting against a slow motion coups attempt staged by our intelligence agencies.

But that wasn't going to be the month's biggest blow to our nation's actual intelligence...



Dr. Charles Krauthammer died from a recurrence of cancer. An author and Fox News contributor, Krauthammer's wit, wisdom, encyclopedic knowledge, and stunning gifts of insight and analysis were (and are) desperately needed in these chaotic times.

Besides his remarkable academic gifts, Charles Krauthammer could make us laugh, loudly and frequently. And he radiated a strength and positivity about life, despite facing and overcoming enormous personal obstacles. His passing was a huge loss for our country, our culture, and to our lives at a time when actual reason and rationality were in demonstrably short supply...
After Sarah Huckabee Sanders was chased from a restaurant, Mad Maxine Waters joined the throngs of Democrats calling for organized violence against members of the Trump administration. It was Waters' contention that decent people shouldn't be expected to share their community, government, restaurants, or Democrats-only drinking fountains with those she considered sub-humans. A mindset which was once all the rage, literally, in parts of our country.

But fortunately, justice and righteousness got a shot at making a return when Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement, giving Donald Trump the opportunity to name a well-qualified potential successor...



Having none of those items, Barry Soetoro didn't get the nod for the job. But little did we know how much grief was about to occur regarding the actual nominee...

Join us Wednesday for 2018: The Year in Review (Part Two)!

BONUS!

Hosting a New Year's party tonight, or need a hostess gift for a party you're attending? Print this picture (click on it for a larger size), put it in a Dollar Store frame, and hang it on the wall (preferably over the bar).

See how many people figure out the New Year's significance of the (wait for it!) old Lang sign...


34 comments:

Dan said...

Great wrapup. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

REM1875 said...

A trip down mammary lane ..............would have been nice ......But thanks for the wrap up of the first part of an extraordinary year .....

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

"They said, 'Cheer up! Things could be worse!' So I cheered up. Sure enough, things got worse..." -after Rodney Dangerfield

Here's hoping 2019 doesn't suck quite so hard, or, at least, gives a reacharound...

Geoff King said...

Well, at least it cannot be said that we live in boring times.

Brie Camembert said...

Happy New Year to the Jarlsberg clan
Remember: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7NlFWh7Sz8

Roger Myers said...

You have spoiled my New Years Eve, I now have no reason to subject myself to any of the 'Year In Review' programs.
As usual, you nailed it, especially Dr. Krauthammer. We record and watch 'Special Report' every night, when the panel was introduced and Charles was on, everyone in the family would say "all is right with the world".

We may never be able to say that again.

Jim Irre said...

I'm cheering up!

Prudence Provolone said...

This was hilarious! Can't wait to see part two.

I'm so thankful this year is nearly over. I don't think I could stand another one like it. And I thought 2017 was bad.

Happy New Year to all!

Fred Ciampi said...

I forgot to post this last week from the late, great Walt Kelly. Pogo's rendition of 'Deck The Halls'. So here it is, my favorite Christmas song. And, I think that it's a good follow up to the year's end.

Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash., an’ Kalamazoo!
Nora’s freezin’ on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don’t we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don’t love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker ‘n’ too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, ‘lope with you!

Hunky Dory’s pop is lolly,
Gaggin’ on the wagon, Willy, folly go through!
Chollie’s collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an’ polly voo!
Chilly Filly’s name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly’s jolly chilly view halloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

Oh, and great analysis of the year past.

Bruce Bleu said...

Yep, when I saw that painting of magilla obama I thought to myself "with the right brush up my sphincter and 25 minutes I could have done better than THAT hack!" Hell, a mug shot of the Mooch would have been nicer to look at.

Rod said...

I had missed a few of those zingers due to Mom's decline; and this was indeed a pisser year. Now I thinking one of the very best things in 2018 was your humor. And to think in late '17 you were worried about losing Barry.

Casey Carney said...

My good friends, fellow Navy vets and shipmates, Jim Irre (above), Mike Garner, and Tom Word are going to bring in the new year drinking separately together! Happy New Year all!

Sally Jo said...

I read all your blog posts and really enjoy your take on the current political and cultural climate. Helps keep me sane! Thanks for a great year!

CC said...

Better than MSM's "Year in Review"!
BTW, The lip plate on the ambassador of Shitholia looks like a "Chips Ahoy!" cookie.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

B.C. said...

Stilt, you're a beacon in the fetid sewer that is today's insane universe of stupidity. (Thankfully, an explosion-proof beacon. That sewer gas is a volatile bitch. Who knew sewer gas identified as an adjunct trans-racial inter-queer non-binary eco-feminist biodegradable film studies professor?)

Anyhow, thanks for giving us something to laugh about, instead of pulling our hair out.

As a wise man once said, "If you can't joke 'em, fuck 'em."

John the Econ said...

My version of Thunderdome: Two ideologies enter, one ideology leaves.

Again @Stilton, congratulations on another year of excellent cartoonage and commentary.

The ambassador from Shitholia: Did you just assume its gender?

CNN and the shutdown: If CNN & the government were to shut down, would anyone notice?

Mueller: Am I the only one who has been bored by this from day one?

Donna Brazile: Still wondering why she gets to remain among the living.

The Obama Portraits: Not even a year, and already they've aged poorly, just like their legacy.

Russian Facebook Ads: According to Democrats, the Russians were able to upturn Hillary's inevitability with a mere $46,000 worth of Facebooks ads. Quite frankly, I wish there had been an actual Russian candidate I could have voted for. After all, they are much more effective with their taxpayer money than anyone in this country is.

A million young Barack Obamas: Considering that unemployment is at an historic low and employers are struggling to find useful labor that they can hire, I can't think of anything we need less of than another million young Barack Obamas. Our colleges are already pumping out plenty.

UnPlanned UnParenthood: If I was a college student today I could be a victim too, as a man who will never know the joy of having an abortion. Is there a scholarship for that yet?

Comey's Book: Like with the Clintons, anyone who bought this guy's book should demand a refund. After all, as a guy who recently responded "I don't know" how many times during the FISAGate hearings, how could anyone take anything in his book the least bit seriously?

The Forever First Lady: Is she full of herself or what? Just another example of the ever hardening bigotry of low expectations that surround these two. Could you imagine if any other first lady had said anything remotely like this?

Rosanne gets fired and Samantha Bee's Vagina mouth: But in the age of #MeToo, somehow this guy gets a new show. Another example of why I take Hollywood morality signalling with a grain of salt.

Happy New Year ya'all.

TrickyRicky said...

Thanks for the half-year review Stilton. I remember all of these items and the incredulity with which I contemplated them at the time. A few months later it seems like none of it really happened. It's not just my advancing age either. The layer after layer of outrageous ass-hattery is designed to lead to overload on the part of rational persons, building the foundation for even more insane and obnoxious affronts. Thanks so much for your keen observations, and even more importantly, your humorous treatment of said buffoonery.

Happy New Year to all.

Sortahwitte said...

You always leave us laughing, Stilt. Your value exceeds fine gold and bit-coins. The msm will be giving us the wrap up of 2018, but now I won't be watching. Hint: I wasn't going to be watching anyway. All they will say is that the gates should be opened to un-limited immigration from all the world and Mars, Venus, and especially Uranus. 2019 has officially become my year of "water off a duck's back" I give permission for anyone and everyone to take a magic marker and make their own t-shirt in that flavor. Happy days are here again.

Pete (Detroit) said...

InRe Rosanne - used to be the truth was the ultimate defense... ValJar Binks *does* look like a muslimized Dr Zaya...
Thanks, as always for all the good work you do all year, and for all the years! Yer AWESOME, Doc!

Best wishes for continued blessings on you and yours for the next years as well!

Gee M said...

Quite often I think you merely state the obvious, and it's so twisted AND insane you get props for insightful and funny bloggery...but then I read your other hilarious and insightful bloggery and don't care how ya get there.
I haz fun here,so Happy (goyim) New Year!D
Thanks for all you do, and post; you funny!
And with Ms Ross bein' cuter'n a speckled pup, I'll be hangin' around a long while to come.
Again:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Anonymous said...

Thank You,these were better than great. Happy and Blessed New Year.

SFMEDIC said...

For those of you going out to party tonight, a few safety tips.
Don'y add to the population and don't subtract from it.
Stay out of the hospital, the newspaper and jail.
If you do find yourself in jail, establish dominance quickly.

Rod said...

"Thunderdome" has been mentioned here and elsewhere in last few days and most refer to Mad Max movie, Tina Turner song, etc. In fact that's about all Google will find without added modifiers. The term has also been used over the years for enclosed Motorcycle drums one sees at carnivals & circus; and for several short-track speedways.

I recently learned of another Thunderdome, surely based on the Mad Max cage because that's what it used to look like, before being broken up by severe storms. THIS Thunderdome (the remaining large and scattered pieces of it anyway) are underwater at Turks & Caicos. It's now an excellent shallow water dive site. Lot of marine life in 40' depth.

The origin for this was a French television company with a stupid concept of having free divers (breath-holders) enter the cage to get "Pearl" tokens (good for money topsides). Their their immediate choice was grab a few "pearls" on one breath & (safely) head up; or take some big chances by heading for mermaids just outside the cage with supplies of scuba air. Some were nice mermaids and some not so nice... and keep grabbing pearls. Gas laws upon ascent will tell you this is dangerous as hell; the show didn't last long after several free divers suffered air embolisms; but none died. We very much enjoyed 2 day & 1 night dive at this broken Thunderdome the easy way: with scuba & no hurry.

Fish Out of Water said...

As this year has but a few more hours before its history, given the unslakened rabid, irrational hatred of the regressives (aka self styled progressives) of the President, coupled with Democratic control of the House, 2019 promises to provide no shortage of material for this site.

Gee M said...


Super-snowflake meltdown...



https://www.bizpacreview.com/2018/12/30/vape-shop-owner-fired-employee-for-verbally-abusing-trump-supporter-after-4-min-tirade-went-viral-708132

Pete (Detroit) said...

Gee M - Excellent news! Caught that rant the other day, and was thinking this turd burgeler has got to GO.

Dan said...

Been listening to the blitherers on TV go on and on about "comprehensive immigration reform."

It struck me a while back that not one of them has defined what they see as comprehensive immigration reform.

I realize that's on purpose, but it'd be nice if one of the counter-blatherers would at least ask one of the blitherers to define comprehensive immigration reform.

But what the hey -- I'll say again, Happy New Year, everyone!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dan- And to you!

@REM1875- While reviewing the year's output, it dawned on me that it's been awhile since I've featured bikini-clad women delivering punchlines (which I called "The Tan O'Clock News"). I really need to bring that feature back...

@Geoff King- That's a glass half full sentiment! Which is why I'm draining the glass completely, and will then refill it.

@Brie Camembert- That clip nicely summarizes my approach to life (grin).

@Roger Myers- "Celebrities" come and go, but losing Charles was a gut punch. I watched "Special Report" solely to hear Dr. Krauthammer as often as possible, and he never disappointed. I so miss that man, and we've never needed him more.

@Jim Irre- Yay! At least all of the nonsense I'm recapping is more or less behind us at this point.

@Prudence Provolone- But when I think about 2019, Han Solo's words come to mind: "I've got a bad feeling about this."

@Fred Ciampi- Thanks for sharing! Walt Kelly is one of my heroes. A fantastic artist and razor-sharp wit.

@Bruce Bleu- The portrait of Michelle is flat out trash. Lifeless, no depth, no meaning - a complete artistic failure. Barry's portrait is better executed, but the "artist" mostly just "conceptualizes" his works, then hires cheap Chinese laborers to do the actual brushstrokes. What a scam.

@Rod- Very sorry about your personal situation, and glad that my humor was of sporadic value (I like to set low bars for myself). But believe me, I was never worried about losing Barry - only looking forward to his departure. Unfortunately, he seems to be what we call a "floater" in the toilet of life, and won't actually go away.

@Casey Carney- Hey, I'm having a drink with all of you right now (really)! I couldn't spend New Year's Eve with a greater bunch of people!

@Sally Jo- I'm glad you enjoy the posts. Thanks for the kind words!

@CC- Damn, that DOES look like a big Chips Ahoy cookie! Now we know why Keebler has been showing us cartoon elves instead of their real workers.

@B.C.- Thank you for the high, and quite possibly volatile, praise!

@John the Econ- Great bullet points! And regarding Donna Brazile, I'm guessing she's got an envelope of information somewhere which will automatically get sent out if she ever dies mysteriously.

@TrickyRicky- You make a great point. As I've reviewed everything over the past year, so many of the "big, important" stories turned out to be sand castles - gone and forgotten with the rising tide of whatever story washed in next. It's a good reminder that we shouldn't take the "news" - or ourselves - too seriously.

@Sortahwitte- I tend to skip the MSM wrap ups of the year's news, though I WILL seek out Dave Barry's annual review just to enjoy seeing the master at work. And I, too, am going to try the "water off a duck's back" routine in 2019. I'll pay attention, but they can't make me care. (wry grin)

@Pete (Detroit)- It really is incontestable that Jarrett and Dr Zaya have a "separated at birth" quality. Although Dr Zaya is considerably hotter.

@Gee M- My wit is basically the candy sprinkles atop the thick chocolate frosting which is the actual news. Only that ain't chocolate frosting...

@Anonymous- Happy New Year to you, too!

@SFMEDIC- I'm told you can quickly establish dominance by identifying the pack leader and then humping his leg. Then again, I might have read that in a dog training manual.

@Rod- Holy crap, that's the worst idea for a game show ever! I get short of breath just thinking of it! Granted, I'll probably still try to Google it...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Fish Out of Water- I predict that 2019 is going to be way more chaotic than 2018. These pages will never be lacking for material...

@Gee M- THAT was a thing of actual beauty. It could only have been better if that twerp actually stroked out and fell over during his screamfest.

@Pete (Detroit)- The vape shop fired that asshole quite quickly. That doesn't necessarily mean they disagreed with his politics, but they sure as hell didn't want to take the heat for his idiocy. I'd also like to see him getting charged with assault for throwing things at the customer.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dan- Good point. I, too, would like to know what the hell "comprehensive immigration reform" looks like. We definitely need it, but not if it's just misleading words like, oh, "Affordable Care Act."

valvenator said...

Best part about 2018: Hillary Clinton is still not, I repeat NOT the President.

..oh and, there's a government shutdown?
Really? I never noticed. ;)

Regnad Kcin said...

Can't wait for the new session to be called to order Jan. 3 in DC. The rabid mouth-breathers will be running amuck in circles waving all their "Impeach POTUS" bills. Hope it gets broadcast live when the call goes out to "Send in the clowns". Just restocked my larder and packed the fridge with adult beverages as so not to miss any of the big show. This could be the best thing since Abbot and Costello's baseball routine - Who's on first, what's on second, and I don't know at third.....

Rod said...

Dateline Tuesday morning: Where the Hell is my Ultima Thule fly-by?

We can go take a picture (Maybe? Maybe not.) of a rock 1 billion miles beyond Pluto...
but can't build a wall to stop an invasion. NASA has become an ANIMATOR. They want to see rocks? Stop by our place sometime.

OH... Happy New Year.

Al Goodwyn said...

Thanks for the look back. Great stuff!