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Friday, January 18, 2019

Free Association Friday

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, free association friday, smart tv, trump, cohen, Will

Today we introduce a special feature called "Free Association Friday," in which we comment on whatever the heck is tumbling around inside our noggin. This will provide us the opportunity to examine stories which may not be in the mainstream, as well as to fill space on slow news days without resorting to posting bikini babes twice within a week.

• In looking at the BRIGHT RED HEADLINES on Drudge asking "Did Trump Bribe Drudge Poll?" we find ourselves shaking our heads for the umpteenth time about what passes for news these days. In the story, sleazeball attorney Michael Cohen is accused of paying a firm to skew the results of a CNBC poll and a Drudge poll to make Trump look better- but the firm wasn't able to do it, and Cohen subsequently gave the PR flacks only a small amount of the money they were promised, plus (inexplicably) a boxing glove.

As nearly as we can tell, no one was "bribed," the polls weren't swayed, and who the Hell cares about (or believes in) the accuracy of online polls anyway? Besides being an entirely non-criminal act, it's also unforgivably boring.

• We are currently reviewing an updated version of our Last Will and Testament, and it's even less fun than doing taxes. The legal language is just as convoluted and baffling, plus every sentence is describing some horrible scenario we'd rather not think about. "In the event that you have died horribly and your rotting corpse is being nibbled on by maggots and your spouse has descended into drooling incompetency with a life consisting of alternately screaming and having spectacular bathroom accidents, how many years should your drug-dependent descendant be deemed "clean" by a certified drug rehab program before receiving any of the money you were too dumb to enjoy before kicking the bucket?"

Even worse, it's important to only review important legal documents while cold sober. Not that we believe Nancy Pelosi ever has.

• We are trying to make peace with our recently purchased "Smart TV," but it's an uphill battle. Because in our experience, "smart" devices seem intentionally designed to make us feel dumb. The 55" 4K television has an astoundingly sharp picture, fully capable of making epic films look like they're being played out on live security cameras. The sound is about what you'd expect from one-inch, bottom-firing speakers (or tin cans connected with a string), but you can easily upgrade the audio by adding an expensive sound bar which plays everything slightly out of synch, making an old episode of The Office seem like a poorly dubbed Godzilla movie. The Smart TV also has buttons which take you to hundreds of Internet channels which apparently originate in The Twilight Zone. Seriously, what the heck is this stuff, where is it coming from, and how can we make it go away?!

In our aforementioned Will, we plan to leave this TV to someone we don't like.

• In the Jarlsberg household, debate rages about whether it's more relaxing to watch cysts being drained on Youtube (yes, we subscribe to the Dr. Pimple Popper channel), or savoring some good ingrown toenail surgery (we also subscribe to the Toe Bro channel). In complete honesty, we find both to be relaxing (especially just before bed, viewed in our Oculus Go VR goggles) and less disgusting than the average news broadcast. Warning: the links above are real, and the one with the cyst should not be clicked while having any sort of gravy-based meal.

• And finally, we think it's freaking hilarious that President Trump cancelled Nancy Pelosi's overseas jaunt on a military aircraft at the last minute as an act of transparent payback for her attempts to force him to cancel the upcoming State of the Union address. What his move lacks in class, it more than makes up for in style points!


38 comments:

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Photo of the year:

https://twitchy.com/brettt-3136/2019/01/17/photo-of-the-year-heres-nancy-pelosis-luggage-sitting-on-a-cart-in-the-hallway

BWAH HAW HAW!!!

Jim G. said...

Stilt,

OMG.....can you imagine Nancy and team on a USAF Bus heading to the USAF aircraft at Andrews AFB and then being told that President Trump has cancelled your trip? BWAHAHAAHHAHA!!!

You just got BUUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNED by the Donald!!!!

MAGA BITCH!!!!!

Jim G. in Coronado, CA

Jim G. said...

P.S. He dumped her bags on a cart in front of her office. Suck up BITCH!!

Sortahwitte said...

I, too, have jumped into the "smart tv" age. I have finally adjusted the sound to where the guy stops talking and then, using ventriloquism, says three more words. It's hilarious. I don't know why I fought so hard over getting a new tv.

And the hilarity was real when pisslosi's minions came off the bus. They stalled as long as they could, but the cameras wouldn't go away. I can only observe she was too special to ride the short bus. OK, so it wasn't really short. Can't a man hold onto his dreams anymore? I guess riding the bus with her "people" makes her nauseated, so it had to be the limo.

mamafrog said...

Good for Trump, lol.

James Daily said...

Today has been a good day. I ready where RBG has pneumonia which kills lots of old folks. Of course, she passed "old" many years ago. Now, to call LV and see if I can bet an over and under on her making it to retirement next January. They will probably just have a money line with is just as good.
You know President Trump could have cancelled this flight anytime but choosing the last hour, all on TV was just brilliant. He understand theater. Now has Nancy retrieved her Jet from the last time she was Speaker? No? Ya think she will get it back? Not hardly. Forgot: While waiting to get off the bus, the minions were loading their carry on with liquor bottles, after all they like Free.

REM1875 said...

Wait ......Hold on here .......go back to the part about where we could have had bikini clad models two time a week.....

REM1875 said...

Having served in the military I have been on different version of that bus many times where things get yanked at the last moment. Usually though they leave us standing in a line outside of anything we could sit on but tarmac for hours with us carrying all our luggage with a lot of it on our back .......
Sympathy for them is in short supply but laughter is not ....

)C said...

Ummmmm, Stilt, You make it sound like multi bikini babes a week is a BAD thing.

Judi King said...

Nancy's little plane trip being canceled.......the funniest thing I've heard in years.

Snark said...

Stilt - Posting photos of bikini babes is a FEATURE, not a bug. GO FOR IT!

Bill from Wood-Ridge said...

I thought Free Association Friday might mean that I'm still free to associate with whomever or whatever I'd like and not have Kamala Harris and Masie Geronimo question me about it. Pleased to be a practicing Roman Catholic and member of the Knights of Columbus.

Geoff King said...

On your smart tv audio problem: the only way a sound bar would be out of sync is if you are transmitting wirelessly via Bluetooth. If you hardwire it from the tv's audio out jacks, the problem will be solved. Also, in the tv's audio programming, probably under "advanced settings", there may be an audio sync control.

Igor said...

So... How's the Yellow Vest movement doing? From the (utter lack of) coverage you'd think it died out.
Bueller?
Bueller?
ANYbody?

TrickyRicky said...

I say that if Nan absolutely has to go to Afghanistan, send her on a Hellfire drone. As payload.

Liberty Card said...

Hey, donate my "double your money back" to the Democrat 2010 presidential lottery fund.

Gee M said...

@ igor
The Frog riot control has begun decorating the Parisian streets with inert yellow vests, beating them, face shots with "bean bags" and other riot control projectiles, and possibly some live round activity.
Like when Mommy is really gentle with an acting out toddler who goes all baby violent on Mommy...after a short time absorbing bites, scratches, hurled toys, etc Mommy goes Medevil on said acting out overindulged little brat...'cept this is real world stuff and adult level acting out.
Like..." don't do the crime if..." stuff.

John the Econ said...

Trump Poll: The best the media could do the other day on the "orange man bad" narrative front.

Wills: Never fun. But better now than when under duress.

Smart TVs: Not a fan, largely because we tend to keep our TVs for a very long time, and the state of what is "smart" changes on a semi-annual basis. Also, several brands of "smart" TVs have been caught being a bit too smart by literally spying on their owners for the benefit of their corporate overlords.

I'd prefer that the TV stay dumb, and that it have plenty of ports available to plug in newer smart devices as they come and go over time. I did buy a new 4K smart TV a year ago, but I kept it dumb by not connecting it to the Internet, and use a Roku box, Blu-Ray player and a netbook PC to feed it content.

And yes, the paper-thin design of modern TVs make for crappy built-in sound, so soundbars or some other home theater solution is pretty much mandatory. Even Mrs. Econ, who claims to be tone deaf and considers any visible speaker in a room as a sign of toxic masculinity concurs.

The state of entertainment TV in the 21st Century: What better statement could there be on the state of entertainment today in that millions of people would prefer to watch pimple-popping and ingrown toenail remediation instead of anything else that Hollywood produces? I our house, I finally broke down and paid for the Hallmark Channel for Mrs. Econ, who enjoys watching mysteries while I putz in the office.

Air Force None: I too had mixed feelings about Trump's payback on Pelosi. But not too many. I was also amused by snarky media comments about the President skipping on the Progressive Billionaire circle-jerk at Davos. I mean, why would he want to hang with a bunch of big-government globalists lecturing about global warming at a ski resort? That's something Obama enjoys.

Speaking of, up here in northern rockies, we just got a few more inches of climate change last night, so I'm taking the rest of the day off to go skiing. See ya!

Gee M said...

Fox news did a paste-up of the usual squawking anchors on how awesome Pelosi was and how she so masterfully handled him on the SOTU shutdown...
Then when Donald so masterfully smacked Pelosi down for misbehaving...he's the President fer God's sake!...the whole barnyard went nuts on how juvenile the President was!
Me and my imaginary friend high-fived and laughed heartily. Sit-coms aren't this funny!

Emmentaler "Nothing of my own to say" Limburger said...

@Sortawhite: Can't a man hold onto his dreams anymore?

NO! Well, not, at least, in public. And definitely not with Gillette...

@Bill from Wood-Ridge: Pleased to be a practicing Roman Catholic and member of the Knights of Columbus.

Me, too. Vivat Jesu.

Old Cannonballs said...

Mr. Jarlsberg, I meant to comment yesterday on your creative nickname for AO-C. If I had been drinking a glass of milk (or scotch, or anything else) it would have shot out my nose when I read "Pistachio-Kotex."

mamafrog said...

@Igor, France is in meltdown and Macron is throwing hissy fits because nobody loves him and his globalists policies and kiss ass attitude Hang'erhigh Merkel. He's told police to use real bullets on unarmed protesters, and his ex-education minister now buttboy has said to shoot them all and end the protest problem. Wonder how that's gonna work out for the next revolution over there? England has their own problem with police beating their protestors up because they want Brexit now, not in a year, may be another revolution coming over there. Meanwhile the witch hunt is in full make up and high heels tomorrow in DC thanks to antifuckers and not so inclusive women's march. Should be interesting. Amazing will be hearing this on any msm news site.

Jason Anyone said...

"Disinvitations have consequences."

https://media.giphy.com/media/5R2Zjr4ImdPXbcJPUB/giphy.gif


Speaking of the out-of-synch Godzilla movie, I remember this guy from America's got talent. I was impressed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw6DclY7RrE


Happy Friday!

Edam Wensleydale said...

@Gee M sez:

The Frog riot control has begun decorating the Parisian streets with inert yellow vests, beating them, face shots with "bean bags" and other riot control projectiles, and possibly some live round activity.

How do we get Antifa, BLM et cetera to start wearing yellow vests? :D

Shelly said...

You mess with the bull, Nancy, you get the horns. She is absolutely unable to deal with a Republican who fights back. This is totally new to her and believe me she's been kicking around Washington a very long time. Maybe she should fly her broom overseas. Booze service wouldn't be as good though.

Colby Muenster said...

Let's take inventory. The left-tards have now spent two years and several million of our hard earned bucks on trying to hang a "guilty of collusion" sign around DJT's neck, the whole time managing to ignore the fact that "collusion" is not a crime.

So they throw the book at General Flynn, Paul Manafort and Sleazebag Cohen for anything from soup to nuts (except "collusion") in a vain attempt to justify their bloated paychecks and pathetic existence.

Now we have the "BREAKING NEWS!!! Trump bribed the pollsters," yawn inducing, pseudo crisis.

Crimony.... And there sit's Shrillay. She bought the DNC with ill gotten gains. She's guilty as sin of compromising our national security. She funded an illegal FBI investigation of Trump which is based on an illegally obtained dossier packed with made up shit.

I'm expecting to see a mad hatter and a hookah smoking caterpillar any day now!

Pelosi...

I have five things to say: HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! Let me add three things: WAH BOO HOO! That photo of her giant-ass pile luggage setting in the hallway is priceless.

Wills...

I'll second what John the Econ said, and add, better now that having the gubmint divvy up your stuff!



Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel- That photo is a thing of beauty.

@Jim G.- Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Nancy got the news!

@Sortahwitte- I've actually found a setting (which I'll never find again) which allowed me to fix the sound synchronization problem. Still can't do any EQ settings for the soundbar, though. And the TV seems to randomly decide whether it wants to show movies that look like movies, or which look like cheap (albeit super sharp) videotape. The other day we had on "West Side Story" and it looked like it was being performed live. Which is interesting, but not pleasing to we old school types who want movies to look like FILM.

@mamafrog- Trump is a loose cannon, but occasionally he's pointed in the right direction!

@James Daily- I bear no ill will toward RBG but would like to see her step down. It's time.

@REM1875- I have nothing against showcasing bikini gals, but it's not a crutch I want to lean on too often. Part of the point of this blog is forcing me to use my noggin and bang words into each other so I don't forget how. (grin)

@)C- Well, my Mom once told me that too much of that sort of thing could make a person go blind...

@Judi King- I'll admit I cackled with delight on hearing about the cancelled trip and Trump's letter.

@Snark- Oh, they'll be back. The "news" is so stupid that I seem to need filler on a regular basis. Plus, I think it's good to celebrate toxic masculinity from time to time.

@Bill from Wood-Ridge- Fortunately, we do have such free association for the time being. But we'd better not leave it unguarded...

@Geoff King- The soundbar was hardwired to an optical output. There was, however, an advanced setting which put the TV and soundbar in synch, as long as I turned off the internal speaker. Which was no great loss.

@Igor- Ain't it funny how certain news stories just seem to disappear?

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@TrickyRicky- Suddenly I have visions of Slim Pickens riding an A-bomb and waving his cowboy hat...

@Liberty Card- Consider it done!

@Gee M- A little discipline goes a long way. As does a little fascism.

@John the Econ- Regarding the Trump polls, who the heck cares? How much money do politicians spend ANYway trying to influence polls, or gin up fake polls, or buying fake followers on Facebook and Twitter? Damn foolishness.

Regarding the Will planning, I truly hate it - but yeah, this is the time to do it rather than while I'm distracted by the beep-beep-beep of my heart monitor.

On the Smart TV front, it appears there's no way to completely turn off the spying components built in to the set. I don't like it, but when I stop to count the microphones and cameras in every single room I realize that the privacy ship has sailed a long time ago.

And until this TV, I had a Samsung DLP set for 15 years. Great picture and great sound, but eventually the components just started wearing out. "Progress" my ass.

Regarding pimple-popping and toenail extractions, I think a lot of stressed-out people (like me!) get genuine benefits from seeing a painful situation resolved and pressure relieved. More or less the opposite of most TV these days.

@Gee M- Both actions were uncalled for, but since Nancy started it I don't mind seeing Trump pay her back in spades. Granted, this is a very silly period in our nation's history...

@Emmentaler "Nothing of my own to say" Limburger- Using code language, huh?

@Old Cannonballs- I have damaged a lot of keyboards and sinuses in my day. As always, I advise people NOT to have a mouthful of liquid when reading my stuff.

@mamafrog- Meanwhile, some very deserving protesters in our country never seem to get a good, educational thrashing. As Paul Harvey used to say, "it's not one world."

@Jason Anyone- The out-of-synch ventriloquist was amazing! I can't even imagine how he can do that!

@Edam Wensleydale- Tell them that the yellow vests are PETA-approved alternatives to fur, leather, or wool.

@Shelly- That's what I like about Trump's unsubtle response: subtlety has been tried and it fails every time. We're overdue for street fighting tactics. We don't have to like them, but we at least have to acknowledge that nothing else works.

@Colby Muenster- Good points throughout!

Fish Out of Water said...

Best Pelosi meme yet

https://www.infowars.com/must-see-best-trump-grounds-pelosi-memes/

Anonymous said...

I say we put Occasional Cortex and Numbcy P. together with fungo bats in a darkened room and tell them there's a piƱata filled with goodies that goes to the last one standing......

Pete (Detroit) said...

Anon, above, effing BRILLIANT!

Jason Anyone - WOW!! How cool was THAT?!?!

Lee The Voice said...

RE:
Trump vs Pelosi.

Gotcha.

Rap doggy dude said...

Man, Ah saw da word "free" an' ah wuz dere. Turns out it was jus' some ol' honky words. Where my free stuff?

Rod said...

I didn't catch the source nor do I remember where I heard it (This has been a tough week); but someone slyly said Trump should have recalled Pelosi's military aircraft (and crew only) AFTER she had been transported to Afghanistan

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Rod:

“The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.”
— Will Rogers

Anonymous said...

Stranding them there might change their minds, but I doubt it.

Gee M said...

Unlike Hillary's "landing under fire" Pelosi's aircraft most likely would've been taking fire...probably NOT Taliban AK rounds...

JeremyR said...

Anon @ 8:49, Nobody can change Nancy P Lousy's mind because no one wants to get close enough to blow in her ear.