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Friday, November 8, 2019

Heard Mentality

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, media, journalism, trump, impeachment

If this is what passes for "news" these days - and it is - we have better things to do with our time than fretting about what "reporters" are hearing from their imaginary friends. Seriously, the news gathering process now reminds us of a clueless Frankenstein's monster trying to pluck music notes out of the air before going on a mindless rampage.

Not that we'd recommend torches and pitchforks as a remedy. Although it's said to be a good idea by unnamed sources speaking on behalf of an anonymous insider.

JUST A LITTLE FILLING...


Considering the fact that nothing in the news actually looks like "news," we're at something of an impasse when it comes to padding today's post to a reasonable length. To that end, here are random bits of flotsam related to what's going on around stately Jarlsberg Manor.

MUNCHIES - While preparing our home for a social soiree, we discovered some odd "rippling" of the paint on one section of a wall. Giving it a gentle poke, our finger more or less disappeared out of view. Uh-oh. Yes, it was an active termite infestation (we personally saw the little bastards) which necessitated injecting powerful, Earth-destroying toxins around the entire periphery of our home. Which, at $1200, would be really painful if it weren't for the facts that A) Greta Thunberg would hate our use of toxins and B) based on their behavior, we're pretty sure the termites were socialists.



FUNGUS AMONG US - A couple of weeks ago, a faint scent of mildew wafted through the bathroom closest to the editorial offices of Stilton's Place. Our strategy of "hoping it will just go away" fared no better than our identical hope for Barack Obama's administration, and following the same pattern the stench soon grew to unacceptable levels. Acrid fumes of mold burned our throat, and we couldn't find any signs of mold or moisture leaks - though it seemed likely that the problem was inside a wall which contains plumbing pipes.

Unable to track the problem further, we hired a plumber who had a specialized tool which allows one to actually look inside walls. That tool, it turns out, is a saw.



Four "windows" were cut into the wall, and moisture was discovered on some of the pipes - but there was no smoking gun discovered. So now we have mold smell (which we're allergic to), holes in the walls, and a renewed dedication to "hoping it will just go away."

US TREACHERY DEPARTMENT - Many months ago, we reported to you that we'd accidentally failed to file a financial statement with the IRS on time, and so had sent it in four months late along with a letter of apology. The form, a 5500-EZ (ha!), simply states how much money is in your personal self-employed retirement account. This is an information form only - no taxes had been missed and no payments were due. Essentially, we were just sending beans to keep the beancounters from getting bored.

To thank us for our honesty, the IRS sent back a letter saying that we were being fined $5000 for a late filing. There is an appeal process, which we unsurprisingly jumped on. But here's the punchline: after nearly 6 months, we just got a letter from the IRS saying "Sorry, we're really, really busy so we haven't been able to get back to you in a timely way. Just keep waiting, and we'll add the accruing interest to your fine."  Bottom line: we're being fined $5000 for being four months late, but the IRS is much later than that...and suffers no consequences. And this is why we drink.

STILTON'S PALSY - You may recall our mentioning that we'd developed a mild case of demonic possession which caused us to wake up each night kicking, flailing, and occasionally punching ourself in the face with a hostile and uncontrollable ninja fist. We showed video footage to a neurologist who helpfully observed that it looked like "violent seizures." We did not, however, have the sound turned up on the video because we'd added the song "Shakin' All Over" from The Who's "Live at Leeds" album. Because that's how we roll.

Fast forward to today and, after having the condition for roughly a year without any successful medical diagnosis, we're claiming naming privileges: the condition is now "Stilton's Palsy."


It's gotten significantly better over time. We're not performing Broadway musicals every night, but still have a lot of weird, lower-grade shakes, head bops, and twirling limbs (all completely painless, though annoying as all get out). Also, the condition now manifests itself during daylight hours in periods of high stress, much to the delight of anyone in our immediate proximity. Happily, the condition is apparently harmless and, two weeks from now, may get us out of jury duty if we make the judge nervous.

33 comments:

Dan said...

Bummers on the termites.

Our quarters on Schofield Barrack, Hawaii, a number of years ago inherited termites from a kukui nut tree (candlenut) they cut down. They cut it down because it was infested with termites. The guys cutting it down said the termites would just move to one or more of the housing units nearby (of which ours was one).

Well, one day a few months later I was in the shower and noticed the same kind of flexibility in the shower walls. Turned out the only things holding up some of the walls in the house were 30 or 40 years of coats of paint.

REM1875 said...

I am worried about you Doc ....... You are unusually peaceful and relaxed about all this ...
I suspect Mrs Stilton have been adding anti anxiety pills to the Clan McGregor 'The bastard of malt' .....Sorry 'the master of malt'

(Actual 1/2 star rating from their site
It’s Dreck!
If you want a decent cheap Scotch, buy XXX house brand or Scoresby, both of which are cheap but decent. Clan MacGregor is truly vile.)
They filtered out the bad reviews ........

So I have to ask has the taste of your clan McGregor suddenly improved ?

REM1875 said...

More reviews from their site to help your memory. If it does not taste like this some one is messing with your brew......

1)Dreadful!
This stuff is a DRAIN POUR.

2)AVOID
I honestly believe I could rustle up something more swallowable from paint stripper, floor polish and methylated spirits, than this ghastly concoction; would probably leave with a milder headache too.

3)EEEW...
Better tasting stuff oozes from old auto batteries.
Thoroughly dreadful.

MiamiSean said...

Stilton- get some “Termidore” on Ebay and kiss your bugs goodbye

Regnad Kcin said...

Try mixing 1.75l of the Clan with a gallon of Clorox and inject the toxic brew into the walls. Move into a motel for a few days while the evil agent does its thing. Might even cause those pesky 'mites to move on.
"The Who - Live At Leeds"..... The last of the hard men. Be sure to get the full length version. I once broke a lease at a dive apartment with that album. Good times.
Have you tried large doses of CBDs to subdue your affliction ? Either that or a mild frontal 'botomy might be in order. BTW, did you do an excess of acid back in your hippie days ? Might explain a lot about your current state....
A friend of mine used to line his bird cage floor with the local fish wrapper. Turned the parakeet into a raving liberal. Just sayin'........

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

So-Called News: Don't you know reading HuffPo can make you go blind?

Termites: Watch out for this guy. https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6oipn

Mold: Well, we always knew you were a fun guy...

IRS: It Really Steals

Stilton's Palsy: For heaven's sake, don't cure it! It could be the next big dance craze!

Geoff King said...

Since termites produce 10 times as much CO2 as all the fossil fuels burned worldwide in one year, your having them exterminated should mean you have done more than your share to combat global warming.
You now owe yourself a huge BBQ and a long ride in a Hummer.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Jeez, Stilton, you should be happy to pay the Five Grand. After all, Bill Gates just announced that he had no problem coming up with Ten Billion, and that if asked by Fauxcahontas, he would gladly pay Twenty Bil. We must ALL do our part, ya know, and think of it this way: the money is needed for Nancy Pelosi's quite-necessary pre-frontal lobotomy.

Anonymous said...

So y'all are dancing the 'Safety Dance' (Men Without Hats) in your sleep - does that count as a good cardio workout ?

Damn termites - don't get me started. Little bastards ...

Jason Anyone said...

Hey Stilts,

Good to hear your "demonic possession" has eased at least somewhat. Small comfort, I know, but even a little lessening is better than going in the other direction. Here's hoping it keeps moving in that direction.

By the way, for all the frustration we've seen with unnamed sources, I'm starting to think that, at least with them, they're usually a "one-and-done" (conveniently timed, of course) and the slip from public attention.

On the other hand, have you seen some of the crap that these people call evidence? Ambassador Taylor's testimony for instance. Like that old commercial, "they told two friends and they told two friends", then somewhere along the line, someone told me.

AMBASSADOR TAYLOR: Right, in which he described a phone conversation with Sondland and President Trump, yes, sir.

MR. ZELDIN: This is the only reference in your opening statement to Biden other than your one reference to the July 25th ca11. And this isn't firsthand. It's not secondhand. It's not thirdhand. But if I understand this correctly, you're telling us that Tim Morrison told you that Ambassador Sondland told him that the President told Ambassador Sondland that Zelensky would have to open an investigation 'into Biden?

AMBASSADOR TAYLOR: That's correct.

I'm picturing Yentl Streisand singing "Papa can you hearsay?"


Then Sondland: His original testimony was "And as I recaIl, he was in a very bad mood. It was a very quick conversation. He said: I want nothing. I want no quid pro quo. I want Zelensky to do the right thing


So, Sondland testified "Trump said no quid pro quo".

In his revised testimony: He says he didn't and still doesn't know why aid was held up, "but I presumed". So, his presumption overrides Trump's actual words. Doncha f'n love it?

...I did not know (and still do not know) when, why, or by whom the aid was suspended. However; by the beginning of September 2019, and in the absence of any credible explanation for the suspension of aid, I presumed that the aid suspension had become linked to the proposed anti-corruption statement.


Hey shithead, if there was "an absence of any credible explanation", pick up the futhamucking phone and call and ask! Nah. Then he couldn't presume.

Shelly said...

If you still need some convincing that the mainstream media is getting its marching orders from the Democrat Party, listen to Rush or watch Tucker and see or hear the montages of supposed journalists across all networks using the exact same language. Could it be a coincidence? Please. I was born at night but not last night. The revelation that ABC withheld the Epstein story ought to wake up even the most cynical among us. Both the Weinstein and Epstein stories were suppressed in order to protect that most vile of creatures and her horndog husband. Lastly, the protection of the so-called whistleblower (who is actually a partisan activist riding on the TDS train) because they fear for his life is beyond appalling after they published every erroneous bit of dirt that was thrown at Justice Kavanaugh and put that sleazeball Michael Avenatti on TV hundreds of times to slander both Trump and Kavanaugh. Those are just a few of my gripes today.

rickn8or said...

Shelly, usually the Mandated Buzzwords for the Week Memo goes out Monday afternoon and by Wednesday all the MSM outlets are bleating them. It's getting to be pretty predictable.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Early Nov, still have leaves on the trees, 20 degrees below "normal" highs.
Global WHAT, exactly? Yeesh..

TrickyRicky said...

From a glass half full perspective, Stilton, at least you are ahead of the jazz hands curve.

MattyVac said...

Your termites and leaking water go hand in hand. Termites love wet wood. Find the leak, end the termites. But you’re gonna need to terminate the termites with extreme prejudice, because it takes forever for everything to dry out. In the meantime, they keep eating. Good luck!

MAJ Arkay said...

Stilt, you have a water leak. Start at the roof and head down to where the termites are/were. Move fast so you don't get even more mold -- that's nasty stuff. And have your air handling system thoroughly cleaned, since it's in there now.

As for your shimmy sham shimmy, have you tried a bar of soap down at your feet between the sheets? A retired surgeon whose name escapes me had a column for years on strange medical folklore that worked. This was one of them. He could not explain why it worked for more people than not, but said hey, it's worth a shot. If it doesn't work for you, the soap was cheap and useful elsewhere.

John the Econ said...

News these Days: Is it any wonder that "mainstream journalist" is now a less reputable profession than "used car salesman"?

Is there even any such thing as a "reporter" any more? How quickly we moved from "It could be true, and so that is what is important" to just making stuff up. And when you are reporting things from "unnamed sources" who heard something from someone else who talked to someone else, you might as well spare yourself the trouble and just make it all up, which they basically already are.

No wonder people in the media are freaked about AI taking over everyone's jobs, because they're obviously at the top of the list.

It also doesn't help that it's no longer possible to deny that most of the mainstream media is just the PR arm of the Progressive left. Consider the last few years:

o Countless people fired over tweets that did not conform to Progressive piety.

o Spent years promoting the Russia collusion hoax, when everyone knew the only people who actually colluded with Russians were the Clintons.

o Brett Kavanaugh was crucified over "recovered memories" that even the supposed victims friends denied ever happened.

o Celebrated fake hate crimes like Jussie Smollet.

o Aired a fake Syria bombing.

o Gaslighting America in that Trump should be impeached for something that undeniably the Obama Administration actually did.

But the media covered up:

o Pretty much everyone in the Obama Administration

o The Clintons

o Harvey Weinstein

o Jeffery Epstein and all his famous friends

So I wholeheartedly agree with what @Stilton said in cartoon #1 today.

Termites:

One thing I learned from my time spent living in the south: There are those who have had to deal with termites in their home, and those who will. I was no exception.

Mold: Few things more frustrating than having someone trash half your home, and then declare that they don't know what the problem is.

We've got (a target on) your back: That's quite a racket; We're years behind on getting your problem figured out, but will be charging you interest during that time.

Spaz attacks: Just hope that they don't use this to "red flag" you.

DoulosDS said...

Hey Jason Anyone, (was going to use your initials, but that might be misconstrued...)
"One and Done" is the slogan for Huggies Baby Butt Wipes. A very appropriate reference for these "anonymous sources" and the crap they exude.
Epstein did not kill himself; just sayin...
DonS

John the Econ said...

Speaking of escalating media beclownment, this from the Washington Post:

Can Republicans relearn how to accept political outcomes they don’t like?

ROFL! Really?

Irony dies in darkness.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dan- I'm very familiar with Hawaiian termites (I have family out there) and those little buggers can do ENORMOUS damage in a very short time. I think they're the Formosan termites? Anyway, those are rare here in Texas and it seems like we were entertaining more causal diners.

@REM1875- Actually, Mrs. J doesn't have to add anything to my Clan MacGregor - I'm already on several mood-lightening prescription drugs and working on anti-stress meditation techniques (stress being a trigger for Stilton's Palsy). As for Clan MacGregor, I won't actually argue with the review but A) it's cheap and B) I'm used to it. Next time I'm in a liquor store, I may try some Scoresby again (well, when I get home).

@MiamiSean- Doesn't that stuff attract lobsters? (sorry, bad joke). I've already had the termite treatment done, so won't add more poison to the mix just now.

@Regnad Kcin- I've never thought of bleach as a mixer, but it's not that different than what I'm drinking now. Regarding "Live at Leeds," it's one of my favorite kick-ass albums. On the CBD front, I haven't tried anything because the (ahem) "good stuff" isn't legal in Texas, though I might try one of the watered down supplements which are available. And no, I never did acid or any other illegal drugs in my past. Though I sure as hell looked like a hippie.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Hey, you can't go wrong with old Warner Brothers cartoons!

@Geoff King- Hey, I'm an eco-hero and didn't even know it!

@Alfonzo Bedoya- At least Bill Gates was talking about paying a (hypothetical) tax. My $5000 fine is nothing but a "fuck you because we can" from the IRS. I didn't owe them ANYthing...they just want to be punitive. Still, if they could guarantee me that the money was going to Pelosi's lobotomy, I'll put a check in the mail tomorrow!

@Anonymous- I don't think I'm enjoying any cardio benefits from the nocturnal hokey-pokey sessions. Darn it.

@Jason Anyone- Good examples of this BS "journalism" and "testimony." I realize that the rules of evidence are different (ie, nonexistent) than for a court case, but still "I heard that someone else heard..." and "I presumed..." shouldn't even get listened to. I get more pissed off every day.

@Shelly- I listen to both Tucker and Rush, and you're right that their montages of multiple politicians and news outlets using EXACTLY the same "phrase of the day" transcends any possibility of coincidence. And I agree that Epstein got an extra 3 years of free child-molesting because ABC didn't want to get sideways with Hillary.

@rickn8or- You'd think that the "Mandated Buzzwords" mailer would remind people not to use whole phrases verbatim.

@Pete (Detroit)- Oh, no! It's...weather!

@TrickyRicky- My "glass half full" perspective is basically "oh yeah, when I finish this glass I have more cheap ass scotch waiting in the kitchen pantry!"

@MattyVac & MAJ Arkay- That section of wall I pictured is pretty secure from any leak sources, so the best guess is that the little buggers have found a crack in our foundation related to repair work we've had done in the past. That area is also where our foundation meets our back patio (on the outside), and it's likely that water enters the area whenever we have much rain.

Regarding the mold, that's in an entirely other part of the house, and we still haven't found the source of any leaking (although we know it MUST exist, right?!). I'll keep looking.

And I've heard the "bar of soap" remedy for restless legs but haven't tried it. Guess I should!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- Excellent recounting of the many, many, many times and ways the media lies to us. I don't believe much of anything these days, and am not happy about it. Although I'm still clinging to the Wall Street Journal as a pretty good news source.

As far as getting "red flagged," I assume I've already crossed that threshold (wry grin).

@DoulousDS- Good point about the "one and done" comparison to baby butt wipes. And no, Epstein likely didn't kill himself, and the fact that everyone seems to be too scared to investigate indicates that everyone knows he didn't kill himself.

@John the Econ- Yes, the Democrats can teach us a lot about gracefully accepting election results, can't they? Sheesh.

Stretch said...

https://www.webmd.com/brain/news/20190610/doctors-expected-a-brain-tumor-she-had-a-tapeworm

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Stretch- I've actually had a pretty thorough MRI of my brain, and no worms or other burrowing pests were seen. Say what you will about Clan MacGregor, but it definitely kills microorganisms!

Murphy(AZ) said...

Re: MAJ Arkay and the bar soap in bed.

I have a friend who has a near life-long history of serious night-time leg cramps through most of his adult life. His muscles would knot up as hard as rocks, and nothing he tried would give him much, if any, relief.

Until he read somewhere about putting a bar of soap between the sheets down by his feet. Actually, he thought it was a silly idea, but his missus snuck one in while making the bed one morning, and the following night, no leg cramps!

He's not totally cured, but the cramps are less frequent and less severe than they used to be.

Valvenator said...

Let me know how it works out for you with the Jury duty thing.
I think I might have a slight case of Stilton's Palsy myself.
Every time I read or hear a stupid liberal comment
my middle finger seems to jerk up.

Gee M said...

i suffer from painful muscle cramps in my foot and my calf, usually.
i learned a fix that ALWAYS works...the internet told me.

i reduce the oxygen level of my blood...ok,i hold my breath, until i have to breathe. then i take shallow breaths for one or two breaths, and the muscles are smoothing out, the cramps let go; i am ok within a minute. i used to spend frantic minutes trying to stop a cramp, hot water soaks, massage...now i get right pdq. i also have copd...cest la vie.

the internet knows all, at least for cramps!
always take free advice at face value.
epstein didn't kill himself. :)

shabat shalom!








Dan said...

@Valvenator--After watching a few commercials, I got to thinking that maybe the finger thing (I experience it as well) is just a very specific type of Dupuytren Contracture.

Anonymous said...

There is a cleaning chemical called Shockwave, available at Amazon, that kills mold dead. Buy the concentrate, mix it at 4 oz per gallon (the high end of the suggested concentration), and spray it on. It turned our basement from a nearly unlivable hellhole into a pleasant place to be. It is used in hospitals as a disinfectant and leaves a pleasant aroma that dissipates over a short period of time.

My wife used it in her mother's house after a plugged air conditioner drain had saturated the carpet in a closet. When she got done, the mold/mildew was gone and the discoloration in the carpet largely resolved itself.

When I sprayed it in the basement, the mold just ran off the floor joists and pooled up on the floor. But, it never came back and it has been almost three years since I treated the basement.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Murphy(AZ)- I plan to try the bar of soap trick tonight. I have a nice, fresh bar of Dial ready to go. Bonus: it's antibacterial so even if it doesn't stop my twitching, it may keep mold from growing on me.

@Valvenator- I'm currently scheduled to report for jury duty in about a week. I'd be very surprised if my daytime tics were noticeable enough to excuse me and, in fact, I'm not going out of my way to be excused. If I were ever on trial, I'd pray to have at least one decent semi-intelligent person on the jury - so I'm not going to shirk my duty. Last time I was called in, I was excused after answering truthfully (hey, I was under oath) that I hold a low opinion of lawyers and, in general, believe them to be annoying word-weasels who will happily lie their asses off. Not being stupid, that's not exactly how I phrased it, but I think the idea got across.

Regarding your middle-finger affliction, that's how Stilton's Palsy starts so remain watchful.

@Gee M- Sorry about your cramps, but glad you've found a workable solution. Next time I have a painful cramp, I'll try your method of cure. Currently, I don't hold my breath in those circumstances but go with the alternative practice of screaming obscenities.

@Dan- You sent me to Google to look up Dupuytren Contracture. Now I know another condition to fear in my advancing years.

@Anonymous- Thanks for the tip about Shockwave. If I can find the source of the mold (I still haven't) I'll give that a try. What I DON'T want to do is hire a "mold specialist" to look around and then file a report saying my home is a "black mold" site requiring thousands of dollars of government-mandated treatment and inspections. I've read some horrible stories about people who were basically thrown out of their homes by the government after the discovery of mold. No thanks.

Anonymous said...

It's probably suppressed memories of that one time at summer camp....

Steve in Greensboro said...

Will keep you in my prayers (regarding the spaz attacks), Stilton. Life wouldn't be the same without you and Johnny Optimism.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- So THAT'S why I wake up screaming "S'more!"

@Steve in Greensboro- Many thanks. And fairly soon I'll be sharing some fun Johnny Optimism news! (Hint: just in time for Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa shopping!)

Bruce Bleu said...

Stilt, If you had a favorite thermal feature at Yellowstone it could be the Spasmotic geyser, then it could be renamed Stilton's Palsy Walsy... the Spasmotic Geyser for the Spasmotic Geezer.