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Monday, June 15, 2020

A Bad Rap

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In the newly formed principality of CHAZ (the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone), the only thing actively being produced is irony - and plenty of it. The leader (an admittedly hazy distinction) is a local rapper with an AK-47 and enough gold rings to pay for all of the commune's needs...if he was willing to give them up, which he's not. Apparently seizing his property for the people is still unacceptable.

CHAZ has erected border walls to keep out foreigners and demands voter-unfriendly (and likely racist) photo IDs at checkpoints. The local citizenry divides its time between demanding that all land be seized for communal farming, and begging for food that someone else has produced. To paraphrase Steve Martin in "The Jerk," land and freedom and autonomy are all they need. And food and ice and Gatorade. That's all! Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Gatorade are all they need. And Cigarettes. And clothes. Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Garorade and cigarettes and clothes and shoes and solar chargers and pillows and flashlights and Tracfone minutes and folding chairs and body lotion. That's all! And disinfectant.

While we've previously suggested going Branch Davidian on these numbnuts, our better angels have spoken to us and we now realize that this situation should be handled non-violently. So rather than drag them out of CHAZ, we keep them in. As in permanently. And we cut off the flow of all of those items that they want for free but haven't earned.

Let them break up the streets and plant their crops. Let them turn dumpsters into dwellings. Let them defecate on the sidewalks and drink rainwater from the gutters. And let them see just how long one a**hole can hold on to his gold rings without help from the police.

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The Garden of Eatin'
BONUS: UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, BLM, protests, Seattle, race, rapper, autonomous zone, erogenous zone, garden, Chaz, Chop, Assholes

Perhaps to clear up the confusion between "autonomous" and "erogenous," the Seattle squatters are changing the name of their encampment from CHAZ to CHOP (Capitol Hill Organized Protest).

But as long as the name is in play, we'd really like to suggest the Capitol Hill Union of Militant Protesters Zone. Because CHUMPZ has a nice ring to it.

41 comments:

Mike aka Proof said...

I like to call it the Seattle Political Autoerotic Zone.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

I see by the news the Chazzers are talking about going into no-till farming. I hope they have plenty of GMO seed and Roundup and other herbicides, because that's how that works.

igor said...

It never ceases to amaze me just how poorly run Seattle is. Unfortunately, we here on the "Right" side of the state have to put up with the Goobernator that they elect, and he's Barking Mad J Dimslee. The mayor is just as much of a dipstick as well, and those clowns in Olympia aren't far behind.
Let's just nuke 'em all and start over, 'k?
(I call 'em Dimwitz 'R Us)

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I say rename 'em to CHUD. They're going to wind up eating each other anyhow.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

@Igor: RE: Seattle, maybe the sweet volcano of death will take care of it.

She’s A Beauty said...

Wow, Stilt. Hitting on ALL cylinders today! The cartoons were stellar and your accompanying prose was fabulous. Even managed to work in “The Jerk” reference (an American classic, as was “ Gone With The...” (something or other). You’ve set the bar impossibly high for yourself this week...just quit while you’re ahead and take the rest of it off.

Michael said...

liked Wayne Allen Roots name for the idiot town. Catz for communist anarchist terrorists zone.

Phoebe said...

@Section 147, I agree with your kudos. Even the linking email hit it right: "where life is beautiful all the time." Now I won't be able to get that song out of my head all day. "They're coming to take me away, ha ha..." But then again, as Stilton says, better to leave them there to stew in their own fetid juices. Splendid!

Fritzchen said...

I'm an old enough "geezer" to remember such stellar left coast wackos as The Manson Family (The family that preys together, slays together) and the Symbionese Liberation Army or SLA. After a fatal shootout in Los Angeles, those letters came to mean, "So Long, Assholes"

So what's the difference between then and now?

Nothing!

Different assholes, same old shit!

Fish Out of Water said...

Paris Commue, occupy Wall Street,
etc, redux.

But like a malarial relapse, these pop up, pop up and pop up again, partly I believe these progs (and their predecessors) in their arrogance, believe they are so smart, they can create paradise on earth.

Bobo the Hobo said...

That’s a pretty sad looking garden. Have they tried Brawndo? Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes!

Someone should start a livestream. I would pay to see how the SPAZ, er, I mean CHAZ LARPERS interpret Lord of the Flies

REM1875 said...

Not sure that there is anything I could add that would beat or top this summation .....

But as long as the name is in play, we'd really like to suggest the Capitol Hill Union of Militant Protesters Zone. Because CHUMPZ has a nice ring to it.

Fits them to a Tee

Fred Ciampi said...

Ahhhhh, Pol Pot would be proud. And when someone disagrees with them, "They're coming to take me away, HA HA". And I love the flip side of that 45RPM record. I think I'll play it repeatedly today ... HA HA.

And as far as 'defunding' the police, let's start with all the politicians. Take away their personal bodyguards and security detail first. I remember all the unrest in San Francisco in the sixties where the common cry was "down with pigs". Then one of the popular disk jockeys said "when you're in trouble, call a hippie". Yeah, that'll work.

Joe Jetson said...

"...oh, and this 'paddle game', too. And that's ALL I NEED! And never forget, the Lord loves a working man, never trust 'whitey', and see a doctor and get rid of it."

smokepole said...

Turn off the power and water..
PLEEEEZE !!!

Emmentaler Limburger said...

@Fritzchen said "So what's the difference between then and now?

An emboldened, well-funded, and EMBEDDED enemy. Governors, mayors, DAs and more have been embedded into position to enable this. In the cited prior epochs, though I was a mere child for most of it, I recall it being exceedingly rare to have politicians decrying the inhumanity of enforcing the law against such as these.

I say: let them secede from the US in these little pockets. Build a wall around them to keep them from re-entering. Cut them off from all of the utilities provided by the US. Shut off that power, gas, water! Block the sewers from flowing into or out of their little "autonomous zone". Based on their "Supplies Needed" sign, they won't last a month. Plus, being their own little country removes these insane voices from our political process - non-citizens, despite all of the Democrats' efforts, still do not get a (legal) vote.

The only downside of all of this is that these immature punks seized other people's property to impose their dominion. For that alone, a sweep with a well-equipped SWAT team is the only rational, constitutional response - they have set themselves up as an occupying force, and have seized under force property from US citizens and territory from the US itself. Generally: acts of war. Such decisions and actions carry - MUST carry - repercussions, pandering democrat simps notwithstanding.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

I see Portland's mayor has finally "caved in to the demands" of REAL Portland citizens - or someone in the PD has grown some stones - and they have begun implementing crown control and is now pushing back on these mutants.

Or, perhaps, since the monster has taken to burning the castle, Dr. Frankenstein has decided to end the experiment? Or maybe the Project Veritas stuff and the President's comments and actions are starting to make people nervous?

In any case, seeing them being pushed out of Portland (of all places! They've enjoyed immunity there since Øbama was in the seat!) was uplifting news. Wait and see, I guess. There may be hope for us yet...

Stan da Man said...

They're CHUMPZ, all right!

brunnegd said...

Cut off utilities, send them food laced with laxatives

American Cowboy said...

Given the definition of autonomous
1a : having the right or power of self-government an autonomous territory
b : undertaken or carried on without outside control
2a : existing or capable of existing independently

@Emmentaler Limburger's first comment is spot on. They want to exist "independently"? Force them to do so.
They do not want outside control? Refuse them anything from outside their little occupied area.
If they try to leave, make them swear an oath of allegiance to the united States of America, and make them live up to it by any and all means available.
Give that "independent" bunch a deadline to get out of OUR country, and if they are still occupying OUR property, terminate them with extreme prejudice.

Suzy said...

LOL! Pleeeeeeeeze open a Twitter account, Stilt!

TrickyRicky said...

Wow Stilton, if your muse failed you last Friday (debatable) she surely made up for it with today's post. All three cartoons rank at the very top of your body of work! The Napoleon the 14th reference in your email was the cherry on top. Good ole Doctor Demento, sigh.

As much as I would love to see these moronic thugs be shown the error of their ways, in a painful if not lethal fashion, I sincerely hope that our president DJT will not fall for their trap. Let the local "authorities" sort out the mess they have enabled, and let the ensuing clusterfark be a "teachable moment" for the rest of the country.

The choice in November could not be more stark, and as mindless and indoctrinated as our population is, I still have hope that two and a half centuries of freedom and prosperity is still represented in our DNA.

SteveO said...

Seattle People's Autonomous Zone

Unknown said...

Don't risk any police lives taking it back. Instead, make them give it back - it'll sting more than being shot with rubber bullets. How?

1) Start by putting 6-foot tall razor wire around the whole perimeter except for one gate next to their "autonomous" sign.

2) Shut off all utilities except water (we don't need any more diseases starting up)

3) Put a sign in front of theirs declaring the area is now a holding pen for the Seattle Police Department.

4) Inform the occupants that they are now all under Arrest. Non residents (out-of-town anarchists) will be charged with theft (6 blocks of the City of Seattle). Original residents supporting this nonsense are charged with aiding and abetting the theft of said 6 blocks of the City of Seattle.

5) No people or supplies go in - ever. Anyone can come out, checking their weapons at the door as they do so.

Sit back and watch the situation resolve itself.

Bobo the Hobo said...

Ted Cruz just won the internet! 😆😆😆😆😆


Ted Cruz@tedcruz
The modern Left: they cancel Gone With the Wind...and then burn Atlanta.

WDS said...

Has ANTIFA & BLM consulted the world famous agriculturalist, Michelle Obama?

Navyvet said...

Sell repeat SELL them whatever they want. Right after they pay for the utilities they are using. Nothing like a dose of the real world. Maybe mommy and daddy will come and pay for it as usual. Heh heh. Free love huh? I'll get some of those lesbians that are there are getting something they never had before while keeping Raz "satisfied".

John the Econ said...

Stop Stereotyping Black People: Once again @Stilton, an instant classic. A perfect example of how the 3-panel cartoon format is so effective at political expression.

What we may (hopefully) or certainly should be witnessing here is the death of Progressivism. Every day the absurdities and extreme contradictions of Progressivism move from 10 to 11, and then redefines what 11 can be. One of the most Progressive cities in America orders the police to abandon a neighborhood which is immediately taken over by even more Progressive people which then descends into anarchy. A genuine warlord takes over as if this were a district in Somalia. People immediately start to starve hours later when their supplies of goods and services from the outside evil capitalist world of abundance stops. It's all a great example of what will happen once we "abolish police".

10 years ago had you written this as a movie script, nobody would have bought it.

Progressivism is self-destructing before our very eyes. They aren't even trying to hide the absurdities of it anymore. You are told that you don't need a gun because the police exist to protect you, except when it's politically expedient to order them not to. You need to eliminate your carbon footprint while they continue to consume conspicuously. You need to shelter in place while they gallivant about freely. Borders, IDs, and deporting people are evil unless it's a zone they exclusively control. Black lives matter, unless they live in certain neighborhoods and are preyed upon exclusively by black people. And they need to know your every movement, unless of course your movements are compatible with their political agenda.

In other words, Progressives themselves have provided us with all of the answers as to why Progressivism is a disaster. When your opponent is in the process of self-destruction, step out of the way!.

So @Stilton, your better angles are correct. Going Branch Davidian on the CHAZ would be a massive optical mistake that would ultimately somehow get blamed on Trump anyway. Let them stew in their own excrement until they beg to be part of the real world again. In fact, get the crew from MTV's "The Real World" to set up cameras everywhere so we all can see how life in a Progressive nirvana really works out for people. Should be entertaining TV.

Spoiler Alert: "Ruthless Capitalism" is far easier to witness in collectivist societies than it is in the rule-of-law capitalist world.

And that phony garden won't likely feed one person for a week than a whole neighborhood. Good luck with that.

Contact Tracing: The Ultimate Big Brother

NYC COVID-19 Contact Tracers Not Asking About George Floyd Protest Participation, Despite Fears of New Virus Wave

The hundreds of contact tracing workers hired by the city under de Blasio’s new “test and trace” campaign have been instructed not to ask anyone who’s tested positive for COVID-19 whether they recently attended a demonstration...

Got that? The state wants to know where and who you've been hanging out with, say, perhaps at a Trump rally. But if it's a politically correct rioting event, they'll look the other way and pretend it never happened, making the whole endevour entirely pointless.

So what's the real point?

Murphy(AZ) said...

"GARDEN?" What GARDEN?

I've got more vegetation in my dinner salad, and I'm a damn carnivore!

Somebody's gonna be "Grazin' in the Grass" pretty soon.

Fish Out of Water said...

The now global March of Folly -the mass intellectual hysteria aka "progressivism, has now put the name of Penny Lane of Beatles fame in danger over alleged links to a long dead slaver.🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Colby Muenster said...

The bases are loaded and Stiton's at bat. POW! Grand slam!

I like Unknown's idea of razor wire around the perimeter, then place huge PA systems all around and blast country music 24-7 at 130 Db. Also build a temporary market with ALL the stuff on their "want list" for sale, at enormously inflated prices. "So, princess, you want a trakphone. Got 'em right here. Only $4,500! Need some hummus. $85 bucks an ounce."

And this is freaking Seattle. Isn't it supposed to be the rainiest city in the US? Bring it on Mother Nature!

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be interesting if some group, something like Delta, were to sneak into CHAZ and scoop up their warlord and spirit him off to some federal facility. I'm sure there are quite a few federal charges he could be prosecuted for.
.
NSF

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- I see what you did there.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- Perhaps they're confusing "no till" with "no clue" farming.

@igor- I was sort of dumbstruck by Seattle's mayor visiting the encampment to celebrate the new (and quite ratty-looking) garden. This is insanity.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Note to citizens of Seattle: if you hear the sound of scraping manhole covers, RUN!

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- You're a magma chamber half-full kind of guy!

@Section147- Oh, I've got to keep trying for the rest of the week. I need to get my momentum back!

@Michael- Plus, they hate baths.

@Phoebe- I like making references to things like "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha" sometimes. It's like a secret code that only people of a certain age will understand.

@Fritzchen- Actually, I think there is a difference. Neither the Manson family nor the SLA had wide (almost universal) support from the media.

@Fish Out of Water- It really is the ultimate in hubris, isn't it? And irony, too - the people who can't live by the rules intend to make new rules, with no self-awareness that they'll be the next targets of rebellion.

@Bobo the Hobo- How I wish there was a way to send a case of Brawndo to them!

@REM1875- It would also be funny if CHAZ stood for "Capitol Hill Acronym Zone."

@Fred Ciampi- Yeah, the flip side of that record was great. And would blow the minds of today's youth: they'd flip the A-side over, start the B-side, then wonder why everything was coming out backwards.

And I absolutely agree that the place to begin "defunding the police" is with the security details of all who are pushing this idiotic idea.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Joe Jetson- "Dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my Special Purpose is for."

@smokepole- I really want to see that happen. Of course, there are a lot of civilians in there...but what the hell, Seattle has already written them off as unimportant.

@Emmentaler Limburger- Yep, yep, yep.

@Stan da Man- Plus, they have to pay me a small royalty whenever the word is used!

@brunnegd- Simple, yet elegant!

@American Cowboy- I'm with you all the way until the "terminate with extreme prejudice," though any resistance that poses a real threat to police or National Guard should indeed be met with deadly force.

@Suzy- I suppose I should open a Twitter account, but I'm developing an increasily strained relationship with technology and time-sucks. Maybe it's time for me to invest in a copy of "Twitter for (Old) Dummies." Of course, then it's a slippery slope to Instagram, Tik Tok, and probably 10 newer things I've never heard of.

@TrickyRicky- A true fact: I was in a band (where I sang lead!) that had a song played on Dr. Demento's radio show. Only once, but hey - it still counts!

And you're right that a show of force by Trump at this point wouldn't accomplish anything good. The local government wouldn't support it, and it would be seen as Trump's race war - even though most of the people in there appear to be lily-white whackjobs.

@SteveO- I like it!

@Unknown- I can't find any flaws in your plan. I hope it happens!

@Bobo the Hobo- Damn! Wish I'd thought of that!

@WDS- Now that is a wonderful notion!

@Navyvet- I'd like to see a running tab kept that these a**holes would eventually have to pay back.

@John the Econ- The "stop stereotyping black people" line is from the heart. There is nothing white America can really do for black America until their culture of self-destruction ends. I find Rap annoying as hell, but really hate the idea of bad (and stupid) messages being beat-beat-beaten into the heads of the young. And instead of fetishizing black men with gold rings, guns, and "ho's," how about praising the black men - real men - who are fathers to their children?

Oops, I appear to have been on a soap box.

And I certainly hope that you're right about this being a process of self-destruction for Progressivism instead of a victory lap.

@Murphy(AZ)- Squinting at the picture, it looked like there were flowers, a few tomato plants, and what will probably turn out to be weed. It will all make for a pretty sad Thanksgiving for them come November. Then again, I doubt any of these parasites has ever been thankful for anything.

@Fish Out of Water- No problem: keep the name "Penny Lane" but make it official that it's now named after a Beatles song rather than a slave trader.

@Colby Muenster- Fine points, all!

@Anonymous- That would be fun!

JustaJeepGuy said...


@Emmentaler Limburger,

Is it possible that the mayor of Portland is--for once--listening to the taxPAYERS in that city?? It has been the practice of Demo_Rats to totally ignore the taxPAYERS for several decades. Are they finally getting tired of financing the idiocy of Demo_Rat policies? Well, I doubt it but it would certainly be a refreshing change, wouldn't it?

The Demo_Rats have been counting on the Demo_Rat taxpayers to bend over and pay in order to assuage their guilt for having been born into "privilege", but maybe some of them are finally seeing the error of their ways. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

JustaJeepGuy said...


Oh, and the CHAZ or CHOP or CHUMPZ or whoever they end up being, should be made to pay for anything(especially water) that goes in to their little commune. The only thing I might let them have at a reasonable rate is sewer service. Or maybe not. They NEED to know what it takes to run a city--or even just 6 city blocks.

Pat Cummings said...

Rational thoughts, all... And, ah! the irony of applying rational thought to a fuster-cluck like CHAZ/CHOP/CHUMPZ.

Alas, as long as there are guilt-ridden libs eager to support (read: underwrite) such social experiments, or blue governments (local/state/federal) willing to do the same with taxpayer dollars, these yutzes will not have the motivation or opportunity to learn anything from their experiment—except how easy it was to seize other people's property, and how simple it would be to do it again somewhere else. And no result will truly show the consequences of yet another community-funded attempt at a socialist paradise.

I agree with @Unknown: convert the enclave to a police holding cell, and process the emmigrants as they exit. Which they will, eventually. That has the additional possibility of correct handling for any (relatively) innocent citizens caught there in Seattle's Capitol Hill by the seizure and declaration of secession.

John the Econ said...

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food, I've long argued that one of the upsides of a total economic collapse is that people like the Chazzers will be the first to starve and self-select out of the gene pool.

@Fritzchen, I've also long argued that ideas like "universal basic income" would basically create a nation of Manson Families; people who would be sustained just enough to be able to do nothing more than just sit around all day, be bored, get high, get mad, and think up ways to be trouble to people who actually want to be productive and healthy citizens.

@Bobo the Hobo, the only difference is that in Idiocracy, it took 500 years for America to arrive at this moment, not a mere 500 weeks.

@Fred Ciampi, the Pol Pot reference is apt. These are "year zero" people who have been programmed from a young age to kill off the adults who made their previously easy lives possible.

@Stilton, there's nothing that the white supremacists that are supposedly walking all around us could possibly do to these people any worse than Progressives have already done.

@JustaJeepGuy, agreed. Unfortunately, the only exports that I can see from the Chaz is political discontent and second-hand marijuana smoke, the markets for which are already fully saturated.

@Pat Cummings, seizing other people's property is pretty much the only thing that Progressive idealists know how to do. And it appears that it only took a day or two for the denizens of Chaz to trash the neighborhood. Even as Chaz ultimately collapses in short order, the neighborhood will likely be blighted for a generation.

Colby Muenster said...

So, the mayor of the actual incorporated city that surrounds CHAZ/CHUM/CHAD/CHOKE (or whatever it's called this hour) has agreed to put in concrete barriers to replace the plastic ones. Perhaps the mayor caved? Or perhaps took the first step towards a real barrier? I say take it five steps further. Surround them with 20 foot high concrete barriers with no doors or windows. If they want out, they can build a hot air balloon out of used condoms, tents, and grocery bags.

But to be clear, I'm not a complete a-hole. These people need food, so lets send in some cows. Why not turn their farm into a ranch!?

Fish Out of Water said...

Interesting head line today (Tuesday). Americans said the headline are at a level of unhappiness that hasn't been seen in the past 50 years.

50 years ago would put us back in that waste of a decade, the 60's and given what is going on about and around us, I'd say we are seeing a rerun of such( that or witnessing our version of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution) .

Interesting question is, how might this unhappiness play out on election day? Will it serve to spoil Trump's re-election by those who for some nebulous reason believe that turning him out will make everything go away?

And while this could be all spontaneous, might have the tinder been set by those believing "she" should have won?

Sevenheart said...

That dog is no hero, that dog is a sh........... CHAZ protester? Uh CHOP hound? Uh. I've used that "The Jerk" set of lines every time I get divorced.