In the newly formed principality of CHAZ (the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone), the only thing actively being produced is irony - and plenty of it. The leader (an admittedly hazy distinction) is a local rapper with an AK-47 and enough gold rings to pay for all of the commune's needs...if he was willing to give them up, which he's not. Apparently seizing his property for the people is still unacceptable.
CHAZ has erected border walls to keep out foreigners and demands voter-unfriendly (and likely racist) photo IDs at checkpoints. The local citizenry divides its time between demanding that all land be seized for communal farming, and begging for food that someone else has produced. To paraphrase Steve Martin in "The Jerk," land and freedom and autonomy are all they need. And food and ice and Gatorade. That's all! Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Gatorade are all they need. And Cigarettes. And clothes. Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Gatorade and cigarettes and clothes and shoes and solar chargers and pillows and flashlights and Tracfone minutes and folding chairs and body lotion. That's all! And disinfectant.
While we've previously suggested going Branch Davidian on these numbnuts, our better angels have spoken to us and we now realize that this situation should be handled non-violently. So rather than drag them out of CHAZ, we keep them in. As in permanently. And we cut off the flow of all of those items that they want for free but haven't earned.
Let them break up the streets and plant their crops. Let them turn dumpsters into dwellings. Let them defecate on the sidewalks and drink rainwater from the gutters. And let them see just how long one a**hole can hold on to his gold rings without help from the police.
|The Garden of Eatin'
Perhaps to clear up the confusion between "autonomous" and "erogenous," the Seattle squatters are changing the name of their encampment from CHAZ to CHOP (Capitol Hill Organized Protest).
But as long as the name is in play, we'd really like to suggest the Capitol Hill Union of Militant Protesters Zone. Because CHUMPZ has a nice ring to it.