Every new year is a fresh beginning filled with hope, promise, and the ominous theme from "JAWS" playing in the background. At least, such was the case with 2020, which arrived in the form of a seemingly innocent New Year's Baby who just happened to bring along fava beans and a nice chianti.
Not that the year was entirely bad, of course. We would be remiss if we didn't note that a lot of really, really great things happened too. Unfortunately, they only happened for the usual cheats, liars, and bastards who stop at nothing and get away with everything.
And it all started in...
JANUARY
With the 2020 election already on everyone's minds, primary candidate Joe Biden made a "No Malarkey and Damn Little Poppycock" campaign speech in which he told miners that getting new employment under the Biden administration would be easy-peasy if they just learn to write computer code.
"Anybody who can go down 3,000 feet in a mine can sure as hell learn to program as well," Biden enthused. "Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program, for God's sake!"
And any damn fool can run for president, right Joe? It's not like the job takes courage and initiative...
Or maybe it does! President Trump authorized a drone strike on Iran's Major General Qasem "Smithereens" Soleimani as a reminder to the terrorist regime that he's not really a "pallet of cash in the middle of the night" kind of guy. Unlike...
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| Really, John? We're all ears. |
Appearing on a CNN interview, John "Swift Boat" Kerry again repeated the preposterous claim that during the Obama/Biden administration, there wasn't so much as "a whiff of scandal." Which is true in the sense that a massive cloud of stench can't really be called a "whiff."
But Kerry's "no whiff of scandal" claim wasn't the only thing stinking in the news...
Despite this egregious reminder that celebrities are, as a rule, stupid and annoying, primary presidential candidates still scrambled to get endorsements from the Hollywood elite...
As the old political idiom says, "As goes Danny Devito, so goes Rhea Perlman." At least, this was the hope of candidate Bernie Sanders who apparently considered the munchkin vote to be an important step toward the White House.
And speaking of steps (and quite possibly goose-stepping), we saw a carefully choreographed display of them when House democrats staged a parade...
Their preposterous march to the Senate to deliver articles of impeachment against President Trump reminded us of the Wicked Witch of the West's guards, the Winkies, strutting about while intoning: "Yo-ee-oh, Yo-ee-oh, Yo-ee-oh, Ee-Ohhhh-ya!" Not that the idiocy started with their pinheaded procession...
And so the stage was set for President Trump's totally non-partisan impeachment procedings...
Mitch McConnell officially set the rules for the Trump impeachment trial to be fast, efficient, and - particularly dismaying to those on the Left - with a verdict coming at the end of the proceedings rather than the beginning. Still, the Democrats promised to press forward, refusing to let anything distract them from their single-minded focus on persecuting Trump. Which is a pity, since some important things were brewing...
Pretty much everyone (other than certain insightful bloggers) poo-pooed the importance of a fast-mutating coronavirus from China which was thought to have originated in bats, after which it was passed to snakes, where it transformed into a new form which can affect humans and be passed by coughing, sneezing, or a simple House majority. No, wait - scratch that last one. We're getting our plagues mixed up. And speaking of mixed up...
Still, the Left kept their laser-like focus on impeachment, despite having produced no evidence of wrongdoing during their hearings. Not that evidence would have affected their votes...
And so the stage was set for a final showdown in...
FEBRUARY
The month got off to a flying start with a disastrous Democratic caucus snafu in Iowa which failed to give any intelligible results. Meanwhile, the impeachment circus was wrapping up with Adam "Popeye" Schiff claiming that if Trump were not found guilty and removed from office, he could give Alaska to Vladimir Putin in return for election interference in November. No, really.
And all of that was deemed way more important than the danger of the new Coronavirus coming to our shores, although a few prescient souls started stockpiling Purell and Clan MacGregor scotch, which can be used interchangeably. Advice that might have been handy for Nancy Pelosi to know when Trump's impeachment vote was final...
Still, Nancy is nothing if not a good loser. So she certainly didn't sit behind President Trump during his State of the Union address and make faces, roll cud around in her mouth, and finish the evening by ripping a printed copy of the speech to pieces while on camera. Oh wait - we mean that's exactly what she did...
But despite this setback to the Democrats, a bevy of primary candidates still pressed forward with their campaigns. Some ran on the "Green New Deal," while Joe Biden's campaign remained gaffe-powered...
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| Yes, he really said that |
Following disastrous showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden's political survival hung on getting a big win in his so-called "firewall" state, South Carolina, with the help of black voters. Unfortunately, Joe had a long record of casually racist remarks, like describing (with wonder) Obama in 2007 as being "articulate, bright, and clean." Or his telling an audience of black mayors that a key educational problem in their communities is that black parents "can't read or write themselves." A gaffe that Biden bounced back from, in his own mind, by proclaiming that "poor kids are as bright as white kids."
Despite this, the Democratic primary debates showed that Biden had one thing going for him...
Showing a unified front, the Democratic candidates unanimously ran on hating Donald Trump and having no freaking clue about confronting any other challenges. Or even acknowledging that such existed...
Unlike politicians and the (ahem) "news" media, Stilton's Place was saying things like, "It's a virtual certainty at this point that the virus cannot be contained, and it will be coming to your community." We were also warning about airborne transmission, asymptomatic spread, and the importance of wearing masks and social distancing.
We were not, however, talking about drugs yet. Unlike Bernie Sanders...
During a wildly out of control Democratic debate, then-frontrunner Bernie Sanders proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?
With brilliant campaigning like that, it's not surprising that the primary race really started getting tight (so to speak) in...
MARCH
Even bushel baskets of money couldn't keep competing candidates afloat...
Nor could Elizabeth Warren's "heap big medicine" do the job...
And remember that theme from "JAWS" we mentioned earlier? Those ominous bass notes kept getting louder and louder...
Believing (and announcing) that Covid-19 was growing exponentially, we divided our time between political analysis and dashing from store to store to make ready to hunker down. Disturbingly, in many stores the shelves had already been completely cleared of hunker. Not that it was anything to worry about according to Democrats on the campaign trail...
Then suddenly, just like magic, everyone finally realized that the Covid-19 pandemic was a real thing which should be taken seriously. Well, mostly seriously...
America shut down, the stock market crashed, toilet paper went the way of the Dodo, and Joe Biden decided to do the rest of his campaigning from a basement...
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Join us here soon (maybe even tomorrow, but no promises) for 2020: Part Two!
29 comments:
I like the Jaws reference for the start of the New Year, very apropos (oooh, big word time here)!
I shouldn't have started reading this 2020 re-cap. I'm feeling like I'm going through the whole year all over again. Oh, wait...
Let's just hope that 2021 isn't the drooling bastard spawn of an unholy mating ménage à trois between Deliverance, Groundhog Day and 2020.
I don't think the fine folks at Clan MacGregor could keep up with demand, even if they hired the several million illegal aliens that are poised to flood over the border, should Slow Joe and The Ho manage to get away with The Steal. Maybe Uncle Ho Jo Dung can farm out some of the production to his puppet masters in Beijing? Surely the CCP could pay Hunter a few million dollars to talk Scotland into allowing Scotch whisky to be made from rice? He's THAT good and, obviously, qualified. Just ask the fine folks at Burisma...
Well, at least we know 2021 can't get any worse, right? Oh, it can? Well, poop.
B.C., "Slow Joe and The Ho"? He shoots, he SCORES! Brilliant synopsis!
Stilton, fantastic re(MAGA)cap of 2020! Thank you for your consistent support of our nation. You are a national treasure and we appreciate your wit and wisdom!
I eagerly await the 2nd half of your 2020 Recap. No-one will come close to nailing it like you have.
2019: "Man, I sucked."
2020: "Hold mah beer."
2021: "Dilettantes."
Pass the Clan MacGregor, please.
Reliving the dream in all its reality! Looking forward to Part II. Brilliant.
Your year end recap is always great - because you are re-running your previously posted brilliance! Unfortunately this year it is a series of reminders of what a POS this year has been. Like Picasso's interpretation of a turd. Well, it is what it is. What it is is encouragement to start drinking early. "You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." Time to start. Make it a double.
On a personal note, as if 2020 could not get any worse, my 51 year old son had a heart attack and is currently waiting to get the bed currently occupied by a Covid patient so he can get bypass surgery. I'm afraid and in a daze but still hopeful he will recover fully. Prayers welcome.
Sending positive waves your way, Shelly. Hang in there.
Hang in there, Shelly, may God watch over your son and bring him home safely. Good thing I had my Aortic Stenosis surgery 2 years ago, I'd be dead if I would have had it done during COVID Dempanic...
2021 is legally able to drink now, just you wait... gonna be a doozy after 2020, especially when Trump takes the Oath again. Crap storm's a-comin'!!
Shelly, thoughts and prayers.
Igor, I hope and pray that, since whatever happens 2021 will likely be worse than 2020, the wailing and gnashing of teeth IS due to DJT remaining president.
Stilton, I always love your year-end reviews, but this year had so much I'd tried to forget......
Thanks @Stilton for what will probably be the only "year in review" that I will expose myself to this year. Because who really wants to re-live 2020?
Learn to Code: As someone who learned to code in high school before learning to code was a thing, I found this remarkably tone deaf and a great example of the abject ignorance that Progressive elites have about pretty much everything, from blue collar Americans, "coding", what it takes to be successful in pretty much every profession on the planet outside of the liberal arts, and the people and skills that are actually responsible for making modern life even possible.
Has anyone else noted that the Democrats answer to unemployment is always the same, and has been so for as long as anyone can remember? We need to invest in job training! It's the typical lazy liberal throw money at a problem and walk away without ever bothering to see if it works. Never mind that most of the jobs that they fund training for are for jobs that they've long since chased away to China.
(That's not quite true: Most of the money ends up funding teaching jobs that always support future Democrats)
Whiff of Scandal: As one of the symptoms of the Wuhan Flu is the loss of smell, I think it's not unreasonable to suspect that it's been widespread in Washington since at least 2008.
Gwyneth's Scent: I don't think she's as dumb as people think. After all, she only gets to be Gwyneth living a her fairy-tale-like existence because millions of idiots fall over themselves caring about what she thinks, says, or sells. I wish I had her kind of following. (You people don't send me any money!)
Bernie: The movement has passed him by. And I'm not talking about his regularity.
Impeachment: Here's something else the Democrats would just assume everyone forget. For one thing, they were impeaching Trump for something that the current President-elect actually did. And second, this is what they were absorbed with while the Chinese were busy misleading the WHO and American health observers. Then their advice was "Go party in Chinatown to demonstrate your wokeness!" I wonder how many people Nancy killed with that advice.
Iowa Caucus Results: I never heard that the finished. Who won?
Nancy Rips One: If she had been smarter, she would have saved it for use as toilet paper.
The Women I'll Make Whores: Funny that, that socialism typically forces starving women into that profession. Okay, really not funny at all.
Bloomberg: Anyone else notice that the sizable fortune that Bloomberg has been spending on Progressive candidates has gone entirely to waste? At least it's his money.
Lieawatha: Anyone else notice how since leaving the primaries, she's been largely unseen? I wonder if that was her choice or the party's.
Busty: Fortunately I have seen no hard science anywhere that suggest that the Wuhan Flu can by transmitted by looking at cleavage.
Shelly. Prayers going up right now. Physical healing for him and peace for you and the family.
Stilt, I always enjoy what you write and depict, but wow. Is 2020 really almost over? Do we have a promise it will never come back? There were so many moronic clowns in the circus we refer to as 2020. Be gone wretched year!
However, I must state unreservedly that we didn't see near enough of our sweetheart, Busty.
Long may she wave.
I happened to run across Paltrow's website one day. She was selling an army field jacket in old forest camo for $400. I got one for $4 at a thrift store. If she can get away with a markup like that, her customers are the dumb ones.
On another note, now I have a perverse urge to seek out online reviews of her candle.
Best yet !! 👏👏👏👏
@Shelly, prayers for your son. Bypass surgery is no fun, but well survivable, at least. Keep your hopes up. Once done he will feel like absolute dog crap for awhile, though the benefits are worth it in energy rebound.
Why is it Pelosi and AOC and the other Dem femmes want to dress up like Colonel Sanders and Boss Hogg?
Prayers for sure, Shelly!
Golly, I can't WAIT until Friday, when 2020 really WILL be hindsight!
@John the Econ
It seems that "We need to invest in job training" simply means
you need to learn Chinese so you can move to where the jobs are
Well, as if 2020 didn't suck bad enough I just learned that
Dawn Wells who played the girl next door of my dreams
Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island just passed away
Snark
I don't remember who first noticed this but:
24 hours in a day
24 beers in a case
Coincidence? I think not.
@Gorgon Zola:
Back in the 70's, I was on the semi-pro drinking tour. 24 beers would just get you into the prelims.
After that, you'd better bulk up with whisky, gin, rum and vodka.
I've been told that I actually made it to the semi finals.
These days, two martinis is just enough for me to relive those golden years.
@mamafrog- Ooh, fancy language!
@JustaJeepGuy- Yeah, ironic isn't it?
@B.C.- Your whole line about the drooling bastard spawn was pure poetry.
@Jerryskids- I'd LIKE to think that 2021 will have to be better, but at this point I've given up predicting the future. And most of my optimism (wry grin).
@Bruce Bleu- Thank you for the kind words!
@Roger Myers- Actually, it won't be the "2nd half" of the year in review, but more like the "middle third." This year's recap is of epic length (fitting for a year that seemed like it would never end).
@M. Mitchell Marmel- That's exactly the scenario I'm afraid of.
@Susan Fineman- Glad you're enjoying it!
@Snark- On the one hand, my recap allows me to recycle some of my favorite stuff from the past year, but on the other hand it takes a LOT of editing to boil down 150 posts (many of which had more than one cartoon). Still, I like doing the recap just for the perspective of seeing the whole mess at once.
@Shelly- Oh, gosh. Allow me to send a hug to you along with my very sincere hopes that all will go well for your son. Prayers are going up and don't hesitate to let us know if there's anything else we can do.
@igor- I'm glad you got that surgery in a timely way, and appreciate you reminding Shelly and the rest of us that marvelous things are being done these days to successfully treat heart conditions. (And if Trump DOES get a second term, you're going to see a lot of heart ailments among those on the Left).
@TrickyRicky- I like to think that by compressing the year, it gives us just ONE thing to try to forget rather than just a disconnected mass of stressors.
@John the Econ- I usually enjoy Dave Barry's end of year review, but other than that I don't really want to hear anything from anybody. As for the rest of the beats in your comments, they're spot-on as usual!
@Sortahwitte- In hindsight, I agree that it would've been nice to have Busty Ross visit more often. And no, I wasn't making a double-entendre about "hind sight."
@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- Yes, but that army field jacket was marketed as "Smells Like My Armpits." It's hard to put a price on that, but Paltrow somehow manages.
@Anonymous- Thank you! There's more to come!
@mamafrog- Excellent advice.
@Dan- I remember doing a cartoon in which all the Dem women dressed in white, and I opined that it was because they felt safe doing so since they were all past menopause. And THAT'S the kind of snappy humor that would get me "canceled" if I actually worked for anyone.
@Pete (Detroit)- I don't expect 2021 to suddenly be great, but it will still feel like a spiritual cleansing to throw out the 2020 calendar.
@Valvenator- That's an interesting slant.
@Gorgon Zola- You can't argue with math!
@NVRick- I've never had the capacity for a LOT of alcohol, but have enjoyed being lightly buzzed pretty often.
@Stilton: Forgot to mention that the Buttgieg gag had me in hysterics the first time around, and I still think it's your best line of the year. :D
Why are Adam & Eve depicted with bellybuttons ?
@Alej: UmbiliCUZ! ;-)
@Shelly, sorry I didn't catch this yesterday before posting, but your son and your family are in our prayers. I never take for granted that we do live in an amazing age today where heart issues that were a literal death sentence less than a generation ago are today remediated as routine. I pray such will be the case for your son even under the stressful time of COVID.
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