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Friday, January 27, 2023

Hapless Anniversary

I sure wish I could plug something funny or colorful in here, but I'm afraid it's just not happening today. Saturday is my wedding anniversary and I think I could cope with that okay. But it's also a new anniversary that is a lot harder for me to deal with.

When Kathy and I were in the hospital last year at this time, there was a big whiteboard in her hospital room that listed the many different kinds of chemotherapy she was getting, and a series of boxes to show how many doses she'd received and how many were left to go.

Eventually, it came down to one last dose of one last drug - but the nurse forgot to check the box. Kathy instructed me to pick up the marker and fill in that last "X," which I did.

"That was my anniversary present to you," said Kathy - for indeed, it was our anniversary. "I did this round of chemo for you, and that's the last of it."

We had agreed that this would be the case. She'd had more chemo than she ever wanted and she'd done it for me. So the only thing left was to wait to see the results. Two weeks of waiting followed by a painful bone marrow test.

That test showed that Kathy was almost, almost in remission. No cancer cells could be detected by the human eye...but more sensitive computer sensors found a tiny amount of cancer still lingering. Which started another two week wait as prelude to another test. Would the chemo still in her body kill off those last cancer cells?

We waited- me with hope, Kathy without. And again she had the bone marrow test and we awaited results. Results that were eventually given to us by a soulless automaton of a doctor's assistant: the cancer had again exploded out of control. And that was that. There was nothing more to do.

The next day we were in "hospice" at another facility. Actually, just a standard room in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, staffed by people who couldn't speak English. Kathy received no medicine or treatment of any kind. And together we waited.

Roughly two nightmarish weeks later she was gone.

And so this anniversary - the first anniversary of Kathy's exquisite and painful final gift - is going to be a rough one for me.

And I'm embarrassed to be inflicting this on you good folks, but you are my friends and I could use a virtual hug or two.

I love you and miss you, Kathy.

128 comments:

Anonymous said...

I’m so sorry! 💔

Anonymous said...

Please, be at peace. I'm sure she would want you to be.

Mike aka Proof said...

"Time heals all wounds"
However, when the knife is still sticking between your ribs, the knowledge that someday after it's removed and stitched up it's going to be better is small consolation.
There may be some humor, however in the obverse: Time wounds all heels!

Kathleen Houston said...

Stilton,
I have no words of wisdom or advice as you well know. I pray for strength and peace for you and I pray the same for me everyday for 5 years and 9 months running...
Your Anniversary is Jack's birthday so I'll be right with you.
Love always,

Kathe Houston

Anonymous said...

Stilton, I rarely give hugs to guys but I send unlimited ones to you. You have been a great email friend with your posts. I am almost 86 and still have my spouse with me but I dread the day she might leave me and I hope I have the strength you have exhibited to all of us, your fans. God Bless you and Cathy. Loved ones are not really gone until nobody remembers them while here on Earth with us.

Ed H.

Tombstone Gabby said...

As an 81 year old male, born and raised in Australia, not a "hugging" country, and even after 52 years in the US, I'm still not comfortable with hugging. But for you, on this occasion, please consider yourself hugged, and the shoulder is waterproof.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you, my friend

Anonymous said...

I lost my wife after a four year battle with a degenerative brain disorder. We didn’t even know it’s name until eight months before her passing. I passed my first wedding anniversary year in 2022. The joyous dates will never be easy but the love you had will sustain her memory and you. Cherish those thoughts and pictures and sounds. I can tell you that you will not “move on” as so many will counsel you. No. You will grow knowing that the time spent together was rare and precious. I wish you peace in your grieving.

Nutcracker said...

Hey Stilton,
Every time I think of you and Kathy I remember how much she pleased you with her gardening and landscaping. That is something she left you that you can see and touch. So I’ll remember her and your day by buying my wife some cut flowers. Maybe you can find a live flowering plant that you could plant after the weather breaks? Get one of her favorites and enjoy it for her. Hang in there. I’m off to PHX to see my cousin for the last time. He’s in hospice. It’s been a long ass year even though the calendar changed, it’s still sucking. Looking forward to Spring!

Fred said...

My wife Debbie is in hospice care for pain management only, doing this at home. The family is taking care of her. Not too much time left now I think. It's hard. Very hard.

lojinedh said...

Stilton, best wishes. Respect you, big time, my mam!

I can’t imagine your grief, your purpose.

God Love you, righteous ma!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

(big old totally non-ghey hug) Hang in there, my brother. We're here for you.

GCMC said...

Hugs to you from NZ, Stilton
Very best wishes during these difficult times...

JustaJeepGuy said...


@Stilt, I'm not a hugger either, but I virtually have as many as you can use here in the ether.

Anonymous said...

Tender comfort for your grieving heart. You are so loved and the veil between the worlds is so thin. She lives on in your love though there is nothing to take that loss away…. My heart breaks for you …

coldsharav said...

Your friends and fans are with you, as is Kathy's spirit.

William Smart said...

God Bless Kathy and God Bless you! May she be with the Almighty for Eternity, in Purity and Light!

j said...

WE love you and our hearts are with you in your sorrow and grief right now. Praying for you. With my own tears added to yours. May God be with you.

Mrywidow said...

Virtual hugs suck. Wish I could be there to give you a real one. Or several. The hardest part getting thru all this is to keep breathing... Awww, heck, here's a virtual hug for you:
<<<<<<<<<< HUGS >>>>>>>>
Keep your chin up, you'll get thru this! Don't forget to hug your daughter! She's hurting, too...

Best wishes for 2023
A

j said...

ALSO: FRED and NUTCRACKER- fwiw, you also have my heartfelt prayers. That sounds so small and empty but it is all I have to offer. God be with you and yours.

Roger said...

God Bless.you and your daughter.. Kathy loves you still and your readers do in their way. While Kathy is at peace in heaven would she not want you to collect yourself, take a day at a time, enjoy creation, as you know life is short, but continue to feed those who also love your gift of the ability to skewer pompous idiots so deliciously?

Mike said...

No platitudes...live in the moment and move forward.

God bless you.

Mike

Maoz said...

Stilt, big big virtual hugs.

Words are inadequate to express my feelings, so the virtual hugs will have to do.

HankJ said...

God bless. I can't say any more.

Here is one more big-ass hug.

Wish that I could do more.

jackjr said...

Hugs from myself and my family. We just had a loss and know how you must feel right now even though the difference in time.
Bless you and your family,
jack

Chap said...

I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

My heart is with you and your daughter, brother. Sending you strength and prayers for this intense period.

Anonymous said...

Prayers are all I can offer you sir...Blessings and prayers...

JohnF said...

Virtual hugs to all that are suffering! Make sure you get real ones...

Brie Camembert said...

Virtual hugs Doc. We are here for you

Rox said...


God's choicest blessings to you and yours.

Display Name said...

Hugs and prayers sent.

Alex G said...

I’m not very religious, and I’m certainly not a hugger, but I hope Saturday you’re able to focus more on good memories than bad. Life is hard, even harder if you’re stupid. You are definitely NOT stupid.

Art said...

My wife is gone 5 years now. Hope this helps.

"Therefore, whoever thinks he is standing secure should take care not to fall. No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."

–1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Faith said...

Virtual hugs to you and yours. Praying for your relief.

Dastardly Dan said...

I'm feeling you. My wife's in Chemo right now, 3rd round of breast cancer.
If you need to vent, I'm here for ya

Unknown said...

Hugs to you from Missouri. Love your work and praying for you. Randalloyd

lindy21 said...

Just a hug from a vitriol friend. The quietness of alone is worthy of large volume epistle. Sorry as I can be...

Bruce Bleu said...

Never been through a wrenching turmoil as you have, Stilt, so I will not endeavor to engage in any quasi-empathy... just extend my appreciation for your dedication to your love, Kathy.
In the spirit of Mike, above, I will not offer one of those weak droning sympathies I'd call Ornithorhynchus anatinnitus [sic], or "duckbilled platitudes"... just 'thank you' for you loving your family as you do and clearly sharing your allegiance with us.

FredLewers said...

I can't fathom your pain. But I'll pray for y'all.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stilton....
Prayers for strength and endurance during this painful time of memories of her passing.
God bless you and your family.
Wayne in Indiana

BobSanDiego said...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matt 5:4
The depth of your love for Kathy is apparent, which eventually will be a source of comfort as you grieve. Stay strong dear soldier.

Jim said...

Thinking of you...

Anonymous said...

Hugs from NW PA!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Stilton,
I've read and enjoyed your work for several years now - and have never written a comment - but this day is different. With tears in my eyes, I've prayed for you and your family. May the Good Lord grant you the peace of knowing that your beloved Kathy is 'home' with all who believe in their Lord and Savior Jesus. May He also grant you the peace of knowing that you too will be reunited at the time He has determined. Keep the faith. God's continued blessings to you and your family.

Fish Out of Water said...

Time will eventually ease the pain, but not the valuable memories.

Anonymous said...

Remember, also, right now there is only one set of footprints in the sand. Prayers

Colby Muenster said...

Stilton,
Please, no apologies! Sometimes a guy just has to let fly with what's on their mind in cases like this. I think it helps, even if it's only a little bit, to vent frustration and sadness.

Even though we are miles apart, we will continue holding you up to our Creator in prayer, that He may give you comfort.

JHOLTSCLAW said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Cancer is a terrible disease, and each case is heart breaking. Good thoughts and prayers, and hugs, hugs, hugs,hugs....

Anonymous said...

Your loss is still tender and that shows you are still a caring husband. I’m sure your better half is in heaven and you are still stuck with us, just muddling along through this life

Snark said...

Peace, comfort and blessings to you, Stilton. Sharing the grief lightens the load. Hopefully the sharing will also be cathartic.
Rejoice in her freedom from pain. Find solace in her reward. Soon (though perhaps too soon) all believers will share the same home.

Jackie Minniti said...

Sending prayers because there are no words...

Anonymous said...

A virtual hug for you...

Phil said...

Cancer is the pits and leaves far too many of us either dead or lonely.

Prayers to you and your daughter, Stilt.

Rob said...

You will be in my Rosary intentions today.

Anonymous said...

Love and blessings to you my friend, God will give you the strength through the knowledge that one day you will be reunited with a healhy Kathy for eternity.

TrickyRicky said...

So sorry Stilton, I can't imagine the pain of the anniversary you are going through.
I hope never have to experience such a thing, which is selfish because that means my wife would. Life can be a real bitch.

Patrick said...

It was oddly easier for me: my first anniversary without Kim was a mere 29 days after she passed. With that loss so fresh and the grieving process in full force, the passing of that first anniversary was not as painful as I had expected. Harder was Christmas, 24 days after she had passed. And each milestone afterward became easier.

I know that’s small, if any, consolation to you, but being just over two years out, I can attest that the sharp edges of that terrible hole such a loss leaves in us dulls with time. The hole will never fill, but I can look back at our life together with fewer tears, and life is returning some joy where I thought I would never see it again.

Keep at it, Stilt. Keep living life.

Doc Claussen said...

We're here for you buddy. Hang tough and have ONE Clan McGregor for me.

John the Econ said...

I'm sorry. My prayer for you is that you are eventually able to ignore these sad anniversaries and transition to the happy ones. Because it's the happy memories that sustain us and make life worth living.

Paul Donohue said...

Hey, Stilt -

You are in my prayers daily, sometime several times. I am now adding virtual hugs as well. If I could drive the six hours to your place to deliver actual hugs I would be on my way..

My case, as you know, is the opposite of your's and Kathy's. Right now I would rather be done but I hang on for Annie. I thought that my time to leave would be in the next week to ten days. Yesterday my nurse told me that I'm doing so well that it looks like some time in late February. So, another month until Annie's grief begins and my release arrives. If I make it to the "good" place
I'll try to convey your continuing love to Kathy, although I'm sure that she already knows.

Until then I'll continue sending prayers, virtual hugs- and love.

God Bless you and Daughter J.

Anonymous said...

big hug, friend

mrgutzmer said...

SO SORRY for the Loss of your Wife, and the Painful memories!
I Pray that God's Miraculous Healing may touch your soul, and give you comfort each day!
God Bless you and your family,
Martin Gutzmer

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. My situation is not as dire as yours was but it may come to that soon. I hope I can handle it as well as you have.

Dog Mama said...

Big HUGS from PNW. What a gift Kathy was to all of us, it is no wonder that you face these new firsts alone and sad. Prayers for peace and understanding, and healing for you and your daughter. 💕

Kishka said...

Love Never Disappears

Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you; I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.
You see, all is well.

- St. Augustine

MAJ Arkay said...

You can have all the virtual hugs I can give you, Stilt, and then some. I'd give you real ones if I lived closer.

Meanwhile, Spousal Unit got "full remission" from his doctor. Now we get him into physical therapy to rebuild bone and muscle. So while we're very happy, we're feeling for you, daughter, and all the other folks here whose cancer battles aren't/didn't go so well.

More virtual hugs to you all.

American Cowboy said...

I know what I say now likely will not make things better, but here goes.

I spent the day of my parents 60th wedding anniversary with my father watching my mother die. A few days later I sat in the funeral home with my father looking at my mother for the last time, and he turned to me and with a voice weakened by age and grief he said, "At least your mother does not have to feel the grief and look at me laying there."

Perhaps a greater power than any of us knew YOU were the one strong enough to bear the pain without breaking and allowed your Kathy to precede you?

Sharon D. said...

Virtual hugs to you. May prayers to GOD bring comfort to you and your daughter.

My son was a Dallas Police Officer killed in the line of duty in 2000. Anniversaries are always difficult. We are your friends or at least I feel like your friend. Continue to take care of each other. Hope you laugh and cry together. No shame in doing that.

Fred Ciampi said...

Oh, Stilt, that brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you and daughter J. You have my sympathy and prayers. May God bless.........

Joe Drypowda said...

No words, Stilt, just heart-felt prayers for comfort and peace for you and daughter. "This too, shall pass."

Brian F. Bennett said...


That was our June and July of 2022. Dad is hanging in there, keeping busy, but his loneliness is tangible. How people go through this without friends and family around is a mystery to me.

Anonymous said...

Prayers amigo. Prayers.

nan0gaf said...

Jumbled emotions, souless technology, heartfelt communal virtual hugs, rememberances of better times, seasoned witty cutting wisdom exemplified in the written word, helping others by setting an example. These are allI have at the moment. Tomorrow will be a better day, live for it.

Unknown said...

I wish there were words to help comfort you, but nothing is adequate here. Just know that she is no longer in pain, and is in a better place, with God, and she is watching over you. You can still feel the love, ever-present.
Know also, that you have touched many lives over the years, and affected so many people. Please gather the strength to go on, as Kathy would want you to, and continue with your endeavors. Share your feelings with us, as we are a tremendous support network for you.
Know that you are appreciated and loved, and life is definitely worth going on. Kathy will also continue to live on in your heart and mind and home.
All the best , from all of us, Stilton.
Gerry Fox, Las Vegas, NV
wa2vks@att.net

Karnorsson said...

I took care of my mother in the last days before cancer killed her, so I have a faint idea of what you're going through. My commiserations. You have your friends and supporters, thank god. But a large percentage of the pain simply cannot be avoided, no matter how much whisky you have.

Murphy(AZ) said...

Prayers continue for you, your family, and all who know a loss like yours.

Sam said...

I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering. I can only offer a wish for any comfort you may receive in knowing many of us appreciate you and wish you some peace...

MikeH said...

My heart and soul aches with you.

ringgo1 said...

Virtual hugs for you, friend. I share your pain. Keep the faith and look forward to the world to come. Blessings...

Jee said...

I’m praying for you on this tough anniversary. I believe Kathy is praying for you, too, and she has a special “in.” It’s good to have friends in high places.

Unknown said...

Prayers for God's Peace that passes understanding

KellyfromWI said...

Anniversaries are hard.... prayers for you and Daughter J.

TVAG said...

Oh, My Brother,

Your simple remembrance has touched my heart--again.

Know that I--WE--wish you only peace and continuing strength to remain the wonderful person you are.

Your humor, wisdom, and wit are almost as precious to us as Kathy is to you.

A Most Respecting,
TVAG

jayjay said...

Sending you abundant prayers and healing hugs. Wishing you peace in the wonderful memories of your wedding day.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers (Who Are Much More Than "Readers")- Thank you so much for all of the kind and supportive words. My heart goes out to those of you who are experiencing loss and my heart swells with joy for those of you who have had better outcomes.

I am not special and my pain isn't greater than anyone else's. But it's my pain and all of you are helping me deal with it, for which I'm so grateful.

I'll try to post some individual replies later if I can, but until then please know how much you mean to me and that all of your comments are very much appreciated!

Average Joe said...

There's nothing any of us could possibly say that would really make a difference, Stilt, but do know that we are out here and understand. This is all of us - everyone's - worst nightmare and I want to wish you and the daughter all the best memories all the time. She was obviously a very strong woman and lived her life as she wanted and there's no way anyone on this planet would want another they love to hurt as ya'll surely must daily. Stay strong, think of the good, and watch the woman in her shine through the daughter she left in your care. Virtual hug from a stranger with just as strange a sense of humor as yours. Average Joe.

Roy Lofquist said...

This July will see the 30th anniversary on my dear June's last day. The hurt diminishes each year. But it stll hurts.

Anonymous said...

My goodness. You have such a wonderful, literate, and caring band of friends. I sit here with tears in my eyes for you and all the other who shared.
I pray for peace for you and yours.
Mel

Shelly said...

What a wonderful group this is! I feel like we are a community who are joined together by you and your wit and wisdom. I hope our words are of some comfort for you. Just know that we are out here, caring for you and each other.

Tired "Nam Vet said...

God be with you and bless you, sir.

Flyguy said...

I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug I can possibly muster, along with hopes that something good will happen to make the day a little less painful.

chipmunk said...

Consider yourself hugged, Stilt.

John4 said...

I wish I could touch your life the way you've touched mine. I'm sending all the virtual hugs I can muster. Keep the faith, my friend!

Julian Harper said...

ART, DASTARDLY DAN, and PAUL DONAHUE , MAJ ARKAY - My prayers will rise for each of you; may God be with you each and strengthen you.

And KISHKA - a thousand blessings to you for that!!! It brought tears to me but in a good way, my beloved bride passed in 2013 and my life has been empty since. I only hang on to take fare of my animals, who have pnly me to love and provide for them. God bless you.

Lee The Voice said...

My heart really goes out to you, Stilt. Wish I could be there to wrap you in a big healing hug. I can't, but consider it given anyway.

Linda McWilliams said...

Dear Stilton, My heart aches for you. Take however long whenever needed to grieve your loss. This is one of those times. If I could, I would hug you. I hope one day we will meet, because I think you’re a wonderful person and your love for your wife is beautiful. It takes time to recover from watching a loved one suffer. It makes you feel so helpless. I’ll be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

BIG 'ol manly {air hug}...
God bless you, my friend.

Unknown said...

I think the whole world could use more hugs, so I don't mind giving you one.
Take care.

Dan said...

I have no words.
God bless you, and Kathy, and Daughter J.

Kencor said...

I've often wondered why we have to suffer in this life the way we do. Maybe it's to make us especially grateful when we enter the next one. Thanks for sharing and big virtual hug.

Mesquite Country said...

May God comfort you and give you and your daughter peace. Kathy was a brave woman. She would have wanted you to have all the virtual hugs you two can get. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Some of us have been through parts of this mess.

mamafrog said...

A last gift that is not to be taken lightly because her love for you was behind it. Here's my hugs for you and daughter J, and my love to all of you. I'm sure she is still keeping her eye on you both.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- And now the actual day is upon me. I am strengthened by all of your good wishes, but I'm still having a big Sux Donut with my morning coffee (and trust me, it's really coffee). And that coffee tastes of irony because I just got a call from the local blood bank that they need donations, which is directly salting the wound that I'm physically unable to give blood to help others like Kathy. Thanks, Life!

Let me try to do some individual responses, but PLEASE know that if I skip you it isn't because your message isn't important to me!

@Mike- I wish Time did wound all heels, but I've got a pretty long list of public (and private) a@@holes that all seem to be doing fine.

@Kathe- Jack's birthday is today? Sigh... Sending hugs your way (I've got enough to spare some thanks to the generosity of everyone here).

@Ed H- It's hard for words to help in these situations, but hearing that you're 86 and still together with your wife puts a smile on my face. I'm just an old romantic.

@Tombstone Gabby- Just so long as neither of us hugs the other "down under." (wry grin). Thanks, mate.

@Anonymous- I'm so sorry about the loss of your wife. And if there was any mercy in our situation (and there wasn't much) at least our fight was closer to 6 months than 4 years. As you say "moving on" isn't an option that will ever happen. In a grief group I attended, I was told "the pain doesn't get weaker, you get stronger." That sounds closer to the truth. Thank you for reaching out and I hope you find new peace and comfort every day.

@Nutcracker- I like the idea of doing a bit of landscaping work today (even though it's a dismal grey day). I'll try to do that! And I'm very sorry about your cousin. I'm sure that he, and you, will be in peoples' prayers. This is a good group.

@Fred- I clicked on your photo to get a better look at Debbie and the two of you are lovely together. I'm so sorry you're both in this situation. When you say it's "very hard," I know what you mean far too well. I'm glad Debbie is with you at home. Every situation is different, but our choice to go to a facility proved to be a poor one. There's nothing much I can say to help at this point, other than that I can confirm that bodies give out but the love remains in a very real and tangible way. You'll both be in my prayers tonight.

@Mrywidow- Virtual hugs still have real benefit, so thank you!

@j- I can tell you from unwanted experience that when a good person has you in their prayers, it's not small and empty in any way.

@Roger- Kathy would certainly want me to continue being the goofball I've always been. And I want to continue blogging and making people laugh, but I'm SO sick of politics and politicians. I don't cope well with the stress of the "news" these days so need to find other things to skewer - although as you may have noticed, I'll still grab for low-hanging fruit some days!

@Alex G- Sometimes I feel pretty darn stupid, though I can usually take comfort by noticing how many people are even stupider.

@Art- I'm sorry for your loss, brother. I can't imagine where I'll be emotionally five years from now. Some part of every day is still "day one."

@Dastardly Dan- I know quite a few cancer survivors and I hope with all my heart that your wife can join their ranks. Chemo can be a beast but it can also work wonders. Even though I tend to be Mr. Gloom (not to mention being Johnny Optimism's illegitimate father) I believe that where there's life there's hope. My hope is that you and your wife will have many good times ahead.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Dastardly Dan- I'm living proof that one CAN survive cancer! Like Stilton says, where there's life, there's hope... :)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Fred Ciampi- Thank you. I'm still celebrating the good news about your wife (and I hope the medical problem she was having has improved).

@Brian F. Bennett- I'm very sorry for your loss and for your father's situation. It's very hard to go from being half of an "us" to just being a "me." I made the mistake of not creating more of a support network of friends and family in my life. I was happy for Kathy and our daughter to be 95% of my world, and as a result I spend many days alone now which I know isn't a good idea (and certainly isn't easy). Although on the plus side, I've just heard from over 100 friends right here and it makes a big difference.

@nan0gaf- You pack a lot of wisdom into a short space. Thank you.

@Gerry Fox- It does mean a lot to me that Kathy is no longer in pain. I can (and do) wish she was still alive...but not in the condition she experienced in those final months. I'm glad that we were able to share that time...and that she quite specifically gave me more time than she might have wished. But it was also a brutal time and I wouldn't have wanted her to endure another day of it.

@Karnorsson- I daresay you have a lot more than a "faint idea" of what I'm going through and my heart goes out to you. You're right that a lot of the pain can't be avoided and indeed it's a good idea NOT to avoid it - but rather to experience it and learn to endure it. And whisky most certainly doesn't help, which is why I drink very little these days. Which seems like it would be a good excuse to buy better quality booze, but I'm still a cheapskate.

@Average Joe- Thank you for the above average words.

@Roy Lofquist- I'm sure that if I had 30 years left I'd still be feeling pain on the 30th anniversary of Kathy's death. With luck (and bad habits) I shouldn't have to cope quite that long. I'm very sorry about June.

@Mel- Yes, this is one heckuva group of people, isn't it? When I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's impossible for me to ignore what a blessing this wonderful little community is.

@Anonymous- You have good advice and I appreciate it, though I'll take gentle exception to a few points. I'm not "celebrating" the anniversary of Kathy's final chemo in any way, I'm simply remembering it because it fell on our final wedding anniversary. And I don't think I'm doing the Kubler-Ross "steps" in quite the way that you seem to think I am.

That being said, I'm very actively working on everything you've mentioned. Through grief groups, therapy, practicing gratitude, outreach to others, mindfulness, and even medication. And your hugz and prayers help.

@Julian Harper- I'm very sorry about your loss. I'm glad you have your animals to care for (and they for you, to some extent). It's no replacement, but love still counts.

@Lee the Voice- Thank you, sir.

@Mesquite Country- Sooner or later it seems that ALL of us go through this mess. In an odd way, that's unifying and a reminder that we should extend kindness to others because to some degree we've all been hurt.

@mamafrog- If Kathy is keeping an eye on me at this moment, she's thinking "get off the computer and go tidy my house!" So I will!

The Overgrown Hobbit said...

May there be many future anniversaries with your and Kathy's child, so that the pain softens, and your joy in each other may increase. God bless.

Lobsterman said...

Stilton, I lost my wife 14 years ago, still think of her every day, and pray every day as well. Her bravery fighting this terrible disease is something I wonder if I would be capable of. To make matters worse I lost her 9 days before Christmas and this was one of her favorite times of the year. Although it'll never be the same for me, I don't begrudge others from enjoying the holiday season as they wish. The old saying applies, couldn't be more true, and it's this. "You get through it, you don't get over it". Live your life, Stilton, she'd want you to. Keep her in your daily thoughts and just remember you will see her again, just have faith in that. I hope this helps and remember I have days during the year that are especially difficult for me too. Her birthday, our anniversary, holidays, etc. Be well!

Anonymous said...

I KNOW what you went through and what you're going through, Stilt. lost my Soulmate in 2020 to metastatic breast cancer. My life has been a vacuum since. I've sent prayers your way, knowing what you're facing. No way to make the shit-sandwich taste good. Just keep on keeping on and NEVER lose your faith in God. My mission in these end times is to not do anything to screw up a reunion with Penny on the other side. BEST WISHES your way. From a friend you've never shaken hands with, but exists out there, none the less. Don xringer22@sbcglobal.net

Gary D Barnett said...

Long time lurker, prayed for y'all before, and still praying for you! Keep your head up, you will see her again!

BS said...

My condolences. Last May I lost my favorite person.

Gary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gary said...

I went through the same thing. Stay strong

Anonymous said...

Mat G-d bless and send His healing angels. Know that you and Kathy will be reunited in His Kingdom for an eternity with all the sadness and tears forgotten. In the meantime trust in His love.

Rod said...

Comment from a distant observation post: I'm retired now but still very busy; often teasing I need to try "retirement" again sometime while still can, & get it right.

Meanwhile life & "Earthly" death keeps coming all around us and that's moreso with age.

Just in past 4 years my wife & I have seen the aged demise both my aged parents (hers were gone earlier) ... each lost a best friend; and my wife a sister who was much like a sister to me as well. Also truly too many others of note and importance to remember without making a memorial list. In past several more years the Memorial list is a page of small print Then there are those still alive but on the count-down or already in the "home".

I was a goal-oriented person and project manager in two careers and now my self-therapy approach to life is to do a lot of the same. Follow as well as possible an optimum "Neatly wrapping it all up" bucket list plan and try to stay positive. Take optimum care of yourself and yours, DO SOME MORE GOOD & still have some fun. And have no time at all for constant invasion of fools and crap.

You're a creative writer & so you write; but might it also help to set yourself a little more upon other objective, path-forward things, a Clean-up & Preparation plan and more projects?


Anonymous said...

I have been reading you since the early Obama years.

Never posted a comment.

Somethings never end (like memories).

Hope you will find a way to let things go just a little bit as time goes on. The rebirth of spring is beginning. Look for it.

Dan

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@The Overgrown Hobbit- I think the future anniversaries will be easier to take, especially when shared with our daughter.

@Lobsterman- I'm very sorry for the loss of your wife. Based on my limited but ever-increasing experience, I'm sure that 14 years often feels like no time has passed at all. Just before Kathy's last trip to the hospital, she was able to put up a few (very few) Christmas decorations which were subsequently up all year. I'm not sure if I'll take them down or move them this year, either. They're nice and not overwhelming.

I know the truth will be "getting through it" rather than "getting over it" and I'm actively pursuing multiple paths to try to get there. Although that makes me sound like an emotional whirling dervish, when the reality is that some of those paths simply involve slowing down, breathing, being in the moment, feeling and showing gratitude, and other low-impact ways of engaging with life. I hope you're able to find as much peace and comfort as possibly on your hard days.

@Don- Damn, brother, I'm so sorry about you losing your wife. I am indeed trying to "keep on keeping on" because I know that it's what Kathy would want. Currently I think my coping score is maybe a C+ (on the good days) but no style points whatsoever. But it's a process and there is progress. I wish you the best in your grief journey and appreciate that friendly handshake a lot.

@Gary D Barnett- Around here, both lurking and prayers are just fine, though you may not convince cops of that if you're found in someone's bushes. Seriously, I appreciate everyone's prayers, well wishes, back slaps, fist bumps, or other expressions of camaraderie. It means so much to me.

@BS- Dammit. Sorry. I've got a personal grudge against Death these days and I hurt just knowing the pain you're in. Don't let anyone set a timetable for what you're feeling. I had a well-meaning mental health care profession telling me that deep grief lasting more than six months was getting pathological and I should probably be on lithium or something. Because being doped up and drooling is a healthier response to a great loss than sadness - right? Well, no. I disagreed with that person and the horse she rode in on. The best advice I can give, hackneyed though it is, is to really take Life one day at a time for now. Try not to spend too much time in the past, nor any time at all fretting about the future. Be here and be here now. Feel your feelings. Nurture the love in your heart and take comfort from the fact that the love and the bond will continue. Not in the same way, but enough that it helps. And, oh yeah, you've just gotten a pretty tight virtual hug.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Gary- Oh, Gary. I hope you don't think I'm any less sincere when I ask you to refer to what I told BS just above. Because that's about the best my brain can do just now (and yes, "widow's fog" is absolutely a real thing. I think my IQ is about 31 points low at the moment).

@Anonymous- Trust (in all ways) is something I'm still working on getting back.

@Rod- Very good advice. I think it's the nature of this blog and the "old-fashioned values" that many of us here are in our AARP years. And sadly, that means seeing too many deaths as those we know and love start falling away at increasing rates. The ways you suggest of waging a counter-offensive make good sense and it's what I want to try to do: do good for others, have some fun, and cut the negative people and experiences from my life. And I actually AM trying to do projects that are more than just writing. Physical activity is rewarding and mood-enhancing in ways that just don't happen at a computer keyboard.

@Dan- I'm trying (and occasionally succeeding) in letting go of some of the bad/sad things on this journey. They can stand between me and the good memories that can help sustain me even now, so it's a good practice to develop. And I am looking forward to Spring and cultivating Kathy's gardens a bit better than I did last year as I grow into the job. Thanks for your wisdom and advice.

4sleiborg said...

{{{Stilton}}}

Daryll Rardon said...

So very sorry for your loss and the pain that you are still dealing with. She must have been wonderful.

erik said...

I don't have any good advice as I haven't dealt with the subject very well when it's occurred in my own life. I am very sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are making progress in the right direction, based on your last paragraph above. Virtual hug!

R. M. Byrd said...

I hear you. I went through almost the same thing (extended cancer, brutal hospice) with my sister. I wish there was something to say to truly help, but there really is nothing TO say, other than that I have an inkling of understanding of how much what you’re going through thoroughly blows the big root. Virtual single malt raise of the glass to you and your great gal.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong, Stilton.

AuntJoy said...

Praying for you and Daughter J, that our Great God would comfort you as only He can.
I do understand your pain, having been through it myself.

Aunt Granny

sue said...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
HUGS AND KISSES,,,AND A PRAYER FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!

Anonymous said...

Deepest condolences, Stilton.

Anonymous said...

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

Freedom Monger said...

I have been reading your columns for years, so many that I don't even know how many. I have also responded while we all watched and hoped and prayed for both of you.

I cannot imagine the pain of losing a spouse, however I have lost parents, siblings, friends, pets. and I seem to be one of the sole survivors of the old folks of my clan with the exception of my mom who is 84 today.

The only thing that gives me a little peace and hope is that when I finally get to cross the bridge and God taps me on the shoulder and says "come with me son" that my best friend, my Dad, my favorite doggos, cousins, etc. will have all the cool spots scoped out in heaven for me to join them in. The best fishin' spots, the best places to get us a deer (though I'm not sure if that works up there), and the best motorcycle roads you can ride for days on end.

This gives me peace, knowing that there will be folks waiting for me there. I hold solace in Betty White's last words. Her husband, the love of her life was there to meet her as she crossed over.

You guys have a whole bunch of people who love you, and to some some small degree feel your pain. Stay strong my friend, the journey is not yet over.

Much love from Michigan...