I've been remiss about commenting on the news lately because it's all so exasperating, preposterous, and staged. Truthfully, I don't have the emotional stamina to put up with it. And yet, I love talking to everyone here and I need to post something. And so today is the day I'm finally unveiling my one-and-only novel and, for a limited time, making it free on Amazon kindle (or any computer, tablet, or phone with the free Amazon Kindle reader app).
Here's the book description from the Amazon page:
Clump is a man with no name, no past and, most importantly, no head. The huge, heavily muscled giant is unaware of the world around him, but improbably becomes the most popular entertainer in America. Clump's unscrupulous medical and media handlers work desperately to manage his skyrocketing career and wholesome, family-friendly public image...while concealing the inconvenient fact that the headless man is homicidally dangerous when touched.
A so-called "splatire" owing to the mix of razor-sharp comedy and graphic violence, CLUMP's satiric targets include the entertainment industry, medicine, journalism, mega churches, corporate greed and ineptitude, politics, and a morally vacuous culture that increasingly and enthusiastically embraces the brainless.
This scathingly hilarious novel is not for the faint-hearted, the thin-skinned, or the unadventurous but is an all-you-can stomach buffet for those who like their comedy dark and their social commentary barbed.
Wow! Sounds great, huh?! But the buying public hasn't managed to discover the book in the past ten years (and some readers who did discover the book were appalled). So "CLUMP" is buried so deep in the Amazon algorithms that it usually won't turn up even if you search for it by name. I'm hoping to change that by having a bunch of people download the book for free. And I'd love honest reviews, too (that don't mention this blog or "Stilton" or other clues that would lead the FBI to my door).
But fair warning: despite being a very funny book, it's also sporadically horrifying and politically incorrect in a spectacular variety of ways. If I was big enough to be cancelled, this book would do the trick!
It wasn't my goal to shock, but I absolutely was willing to shock in pursuit of truth. Because that's what satire does, and "splatire" even more so.
"CLUMP" has F-bombs the way Colonel Sanders has fried chicken: an unending supply in spicy and extra crispy varieties. There is violence, rape, cruelty, sexism, and other sins galore. But all in the interest of (my) truth and dark humor. Very, very dark humor. And despite being a decade old, you'll find it surprisingly timely in the context of current events.
So let me be very clear: I'd really appreciate it if you download the book (and feel free to share the link with friends who won't know what hit them) but you don't have to read it. Obviously, I'd like people to read it and hopefully enjoy it or even write a short review. But if you're already reaching for a barf bag in the first 20 pages, just walk away slowly - it only gets more intense. And better.
Here's a quick taste test - the opening paragraph: "Rita Romero Gonzaga Gonzales had fabulous breasts. They were large, natural, mocha brown, and not covered in blood yet."
The e-book of CLUMP: An American Splatire is FREE for Kindle (and devices using the free Kindle app) from Friday, August 30 until Tuesday, September 3rd. (Discount begins at 12 am Pacific time) Make sure it says "$0.00" before hitting the buy button, and make sure that it's not just showing "$0.00" for Amazon Unlimited customers, which is a whole different deal. There's also a beautiful paperback edition suitable for classing up coffee tables, bookshelves, and bathrooms!
60 comments:
Even better it's available in the UK
Got it!
Off topic. I’ve been wondering ( but haven’t asked) does anyone know what happened to “ The Daily Gouge”? Been over a year with no word. Last post said it would be back in June of last year.
Sounds like the current Democrat “nominee”; what’s not to love? Off to Amazon - BRB.
I just tried to download it on my Kindle app on my phone and it says I have to go to the website because I'm not allowed to buy books on my phone app. What's up with that?
How time flies... I used to read it every day. Went looking for the bookmark and I guess I'd given up. Another that went missing was TaxicabDepressions.com and just now reading some of the posts (from 2018 and before) it reads like today. The more things change, the more the stay the same.
Read a coupla pages of the prologue, can't wait to settle in later this afternoon with a little Mr. McGregor and start the adventure!
iOS just forced me to update the Kindle app to fix bugs, so maybe… I was able to download it just fine. Cheers!
Done. Can't wait to read it!
Should be fun if it’s like anything on this site.
Amr Australia
I downloaded it in May of 2021. Found it to be a bit less than savory. BUT I didn't realize that it was your work. I'll revisit it and see if I can better appreciate it.
Of course in the UK, the words are on the other side of the page.
The man behind The Daily Gouge is, I'm happy to say, a good friend of mine. He's not publishing the blog currently, though sends out relevant news stories by email on a daily basis. I'll ask him if there's a way to get on that list.
You'll find a lot of parallels to our current posers and predicaments.
I think I've run into that with other books sometimes. But you can indeed buy it on the website and then tell Amazon to send it to your device. Under "Accounts and Orders" scroll down to "content library." Alternately, if you just "buy" it online, your Kindle app on the phone should be happy to download it.
You're clearly entering the fray with the right attitude.
Thank you! And I hope you enjoy it - it's a wild ride!
It's very much in the same vein and style as what I write here - only more so.
I have to cop to the "less than savory" charge, but there was a method to the madness beyond shock value. Hopefully, knowing who I am and what I believe in will provide a different perspective. Conservatism and cynicism are embedded in the book's DNA.
@Readers- I only just saw that when I reply to comments individually, my responses show up on the main page without reference to who I'm talking to. That should be an easy fix in the future
'Clump' should be able to easily settle into a career as a political analyst...for cnn.
Pure Genius.
When I saw the paperback available, I jumped on that.
It'll be here Sunday.
Once I finish it, it will go on the shelf next to "Buddy Holly is Alive and Well on Ganymede".
I read the opening line and I have to ask, "Are they real and are they spectacular?"
Got it.
I too had to purchase it on the website but when I opened up my Kindle app after purchasing it, it was there. I look forward to reading it.
@Anonymous- They could do worse.
@JAW Thank you! It was a fun book to write, allowing me to satirize pretty much everything imaginable. I frequently see the world as corrupt and crazy, albeit leavened with goodness, and that's the world the story takes you to.
@samoore- Thanks for the paperback buy! Based on the number of those that have sold, you're now the owner of an exceedingly rare collector's item!
@JustaJeepGuy- I like to think that I bring a certain integrity to my literary endeavors. So yes, they're real and spectacular!
@Anonymous - Thank you so much!
@Shelly- I'm glad you were able to work through the system!
@Readers- "CLUMP" is currently in Amazon's number one spot in the categories of satire and satirical fiction! Granted, they're only looking at the numbers for books offered free of charge, but this makes the book a #1 Bestseller in its itty-bitty niche categories!
“A perverse fusion of sex and bass fishing.” lol. You are a true hoot!
Yes, Amazon tries to sell the thirty-day trial of the Kindle Unlimited subscription program. By scrolling down I was able to use the "purchase for $0.00" button instead. Reading.
Thank you, sir. I was afraid something bad happened to him. Good to know he’s okay and just taking a hiatus.
Only tow books and one short story has ever hooked me in the first one or two sentences. The books are "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and "Slaughterhouse 5", the short story was Harlan Ellison's "A Boy and his Dog". "Clump" has now been added to that list! Thank You
Downloaded and in the queue. Thanks for the "heads up" on this book!
@Anonymous- I think it's important to give readers something they haven't read before.
@Priscilla King- Yes, Amazon wants to make it VERY easy for people to hit the wrong button and sign up for something they didn't want. Glad you avoided their trap!
@Dastardly Dan- Considering those books (and story) I'm beyond flattered. Thank you!
@Kent Whitehead- I see what you did there!
I started it last night.
It (so far) isn't what I would call gory or unsavory, but maybe that's just me.
It's apparent that your dislike of hospitals, their procedures, and their billing practices approaches mine.
I'm buying a couple more copies as gifts.
@samoore- Thank you! It's definitely not wall-to-wall gore at all and I'd have no desire to write something like that. But there are several instances of violence in the book that are pretty intense. And thank you for buying two more copies - I think that makes you the owner of the largest CLUMP library!
I think you need to ease off on the Clan McGregor, Doc!
@Brie Camembert- Wait, you mean there are writers who aren't drunkards? Well this changes everything.
I just finished the book. I have no words. I’m glad Tetlow got his commupance. I can’t think of what I would put in an Amazon review beyond I’m an old man and I’ve never had nightmares like the pages of this book!
You did a wonderful job, but I don’t want to spend 10 seconds in your head!
Just bought the paperback version. Will be delivered on Sunday. Clump yeah!
Finished it last night.
It's a delight!
I can't imagine a better ending.
You definitely nailed the dismount.
@Anonymous- I applaud you for making it to the end. That's an all-too-rare accomplishment!
@Anonymous- It's no worse than living in a running tumble dryer.
@Anonymous- Thank you! One of the benefits of the paperback is that you can put it on a coffee table and make your guests uneasy.
@samoore- I'm thrilled, genuinely, that you liked it! Like much of the rest of the book, people might debate the ending. Personally, I consider it to be a happy ending. And one that would look great on a movie screen (hey, a guy can dream).
Some of the reviews on Goodreads.com are a hoot!
I too was nearly banned reading it around polite company, due to uncontrolled laughter.
And later uncontrolled horror!
All in the making of a Star...
Well done Jarlsberg!
@Rastapopoulos- I had no idea there were reviews of it on Goodreads - I'll have to look! I'm delighted that you found the funny things funny and the horrible things...horrible. That was deliberate on my part. Our culture too frequently fetishizes acts of violence as entertainment - so my thought was to create a certain amount of revulsion of the kind that once came to us naturally. Mind you, I enjoy those exploitation works too, but I wanted CLUMP to be more than that. Hope you drop a review on Amazon!
Well, well...
I got curious and looked it up on Abebooks, and found it offered by a "Print on Demand" seller in the UK.
Isn't this violating your copyright?
@samoore- Thanks and WTF?! This thoroughly pisses me off. They want $20.32 PLUS $13.14 to ship to the USA? $33.46?! You can order directly from Amazon for $10.99 which nets me about $2 because I want it to be affordable. Order a copy in the UK from their local Amazon and the cost is roughly $11.40.
I'll definitely be looking into this 5-star seller on Abebooks. Although it's probably legal as long as he's paying the Amazon price to have them print the book. The bastard.
I read. I liked, although it's not the sort of book aunts are supposed to admit having liked. I reviewed. Cheers!
Hi from Oz, read the book and it is a hoot. Laughed out loud many times but couldn’t explain why to Rosie my wife without laughing more.
What were you on??
Amr Australia
What a great read. Can't believe that when written in in 2011, you predicted the Democrat Communist platform(JOY!). Thanks for all you have done.
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