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Friday, February 2, 2018

Finding Memo

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One of those funny ones from that cheese guy.
The big news for today is, of course, the release of the infamous memo which completely discredits the FBI, proves a high-level governmental conspiracy against Donald Trump, and names those who will soon be heading to the hoosegow.

At least, we hope that's what's in the memo, because we wrote this yesterday and have no idea if the memo will actually be released, if it will be wildly damning to the Left, or will have been yet another overhyped nothing-sandwich.

Based on the enthusiasm of those on the Right to get it into the public eye, and the absolute horror currently being registered by the Democrats, we're guessing that memo will not only have substance, but is going to be the biggest blockbuster in ages to not be reported by the mainstream media.

BONUS: MUG SHOT

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photo credit: Matthew Brady
Speculation continues to run wild about what in the living hell Nancy Pelosi was doing with her face while pretending to listen to President Trump's state of the union speech.

We don't know if she was using her tongue to probe for crackerjack stuck in her dentures, gargling a mouthful of vomit, chewing her cud, or simply imagining blowing out the 113 candles on her next birthday cake.

Then again, maybe she just didn't want anyone to know she was being forced to eat crow.

BONUS: SUPERBOWEL SUNDAY

The world's most accurate measuring device.
Loyal reader and cheese vendor extraordinaire, Sharon Wheeler, sent us a note asking a very perceptive question: who the heck is actually going to be watching the Superbowl this year?

As she points out, anti-patriotism liberals (was that redundant?) are going to avoid the game because they're deeply offended by the names of both teams. Seriously, the words "Patriots" and "Eagles" burn them like Holy water sizzling through the rancid skin of the demon-possessed girl in The Exorcist.

Then you have conservatives who are sick and tired of televised football because the real game has become the "will they or won't they" Kabuki theater in which multi-millionaire players are "taking the knee" because, were it not for widespread racial discrimination, they'd be multi-billionaire players.

Of course, some apolitical types might still tune in...unless they happen to have families, and don't want their kids to be subjected to yet another sonically painful bump-and-grind halftime show broadcast in high definition Crotch-o-rama. Seriously, Tijuana donkey shows have more taste and dignity.

The numbers dwindle further when we consider those folks who just tune in for the legendarily expensive commercials. Spoiler alert: the Budweiser Clydesdales, who can make us weep openly just by clip-clopping past an American flag, are only getting 5 seconds of airtime. Hardly a suitable payoff for putting up with 4 hours of crap.

Which leaves no one to watch except those who are utterly clueless about what's going on around them, and who actually enjoy the kind of musical pap the halftime show spits up. In other words, the lamebrains who make up the Grammy Awards audience.

None of whom can stand football.

YOUR TAX DULLARDS AT WORK

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By now, it's likely that you've heard that no members of the Congressional Black Caucus stood during the State of the Union speech to applaud the lowest black unemployment rate on record...or to applaud much of anything else either.

But it would certainly be unfair of us to categorize their actions as hideously rude and a terrible show of indifference to the constituents whom they're supposed to be representing. No, the truth is that they were just too darn busy with their smartphones to pay attention to anything being said. Just like when someone is blah-blah-blahing in the House of Representatives about laws or regulations or national security or some other boring topic.

In the picture above, we see two members of the CBC checking their twitter feeds, while the gal on the far right is actually playing "Candy Crush." We wish we were kidding, but we're not.

In future years, we'd like to see their seats - for the SOTU and in Congress - given to someone who actually gives a rat's ass about this country.

AND ONE LAST THING...


Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Grammy Can You Hear Me?

Today will be a different kind of post, owing in no small part to the fact that at the time we're writing this, Trump hasn't yet delivered his State of the Union speech, nor have the rioting and molotov cocktails throwing started. Both of which, by the way, we're actually expecting from the Democrats in the joint session.

So let us instead turn our attention to the Grammy's, an exclusively liberal self-congratulatory awards show which a long, long time ago was about music, but is now about hip-hop celebrities, ho's, n-words, and such over-processed, homogenized pop music that you'd expect it to be released on the Gerber label.

And then, there's these guys (who were nowhere near the Grammy's) doing a pulse-racing cover of "Long Time" by Boston...


Pretty awesome, right? Well, not in the opinion of alleged news source The Daily Beast, which sneeringly declares the band to be "terrible," not so much because of their musicianship, but because the band is (CAUTION: Trigger Warning!) openly conservative and Christian. Horrors!

But wait - it gets better! This is the Jay Sekulow Band, and if the name "Jay Sekulow" sounds vaguely familiar to you it should: he's one of President Trump's high-profile personal lawyers!

And seriously, how great is it that Trump has a lawyer who kicks rock'n'roll ass?!  Compared to Hillary Clinton's lawyers who spend all their free time trying to come up with schemes to steal milk money from starving Haitian orphans.

If you want to hear more of this band's great music - AND show them some support - just head over to their Facebook page and "like" the page.

Alternately you can drift over to Youtube and find oodles of classic covers like Suite Judy Blue Eyes, Jesus Is Just Alright, Hold Your Head Up, Mother Freedom, Midnight Rider, The Weight and lots more. Better still, you'll also find their original tunes like "Undemocratic," which roasts the Left, the Washington swamp, and gives a special shout out to sleaze-weasel IRS employee Lois Lerner...


All of this raises hopes for us that next year the Jay Sekulow Band will be the opener for the State of the Union speech, performing before the entire slack-jawed joint assembly (and yes, there should absolutely be a laser show and some pyrotechnics).

Failing that, perhaps the President might order the Grammy's to establish a new category of awards for music which doesn't denigrate our country, denigrate our values, or just flat out suck.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Stand-Up State of the Union

In further budget cut news, Trump has already whittled Obama's 57 states down to just 50.
Okay, we don't really expect President Trump to deliver a State of the Union address anything like this...but we couldn't help treating ourselves to a moment or two of pleasant fantasy. 

And no matter what he says, it's safe to assume that both the Democrats and mainstream media will react as if Trump had proposed a publicly funded 24-hour kitten-skinning cable channel.

To show how serious they are about their opposition to Trump, the Democrats will be running a rebuttal speech in which the latest Kennedy spawn will criticize giving political control to wealthy families. Maxine Waters will also be delivering a rebuttal in which she criticizes political power being in the hands of the mentally unstable. In other words, Democrats have no understanding whatsoever of "irony."

Weepy former comedian Jimmy "Obamacare Saved My Baby" Kimmel will be doing a review of the speech on his show, capably aided by porn star (and possible Trump paramour) Stormy Daniels who presumably has some things she wants to get off her surgically inflated chest.

All in all, we're expecting a very entertaining night of television.

BONUS: EYE DO

Yesterday marked the 35th anniversary or so of the Jarlsbergs entering into matrimonial bliss. The happy occasion was unmarred by the fact that Mrs. J has decided to start seeing other people.

Oh, not romantically. We mean she wants to literally see people - which is why she's going under the knife today for cataract surgery. Afterwards, she'll be wearing an eye patch for awhile and no doubt experiencing some minor discomfort from all the pirate jokes she'll be subjected to.

Which reminds us of the following old chestnut...



The new cabin boy on a pirate ship stared in awe at the Captain of the vessel - a formidable looking rascal with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a skull and crossbones eyepatch.

"How did you lose your leg, sir?" the boy asked.
"Cannonball blew it off," growled the pirate Captain.
"And how did you lose your hand?"
"Sword fight," was the snarled reply.
"And please, sir - how did you lose your eye?" asked the boy.
"I looked up one day and got seagull poop in it," the Captain answered.
Puzzled, the boy said, "That shouldn't make you lose an eye."
"Well," sighed the Pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."