The Miracle Jerker

There are times in our lives, times we're not particularly proud of, when we fantasize about being able to wallop someone with a Costco-sized banana cream pie with extra whipped cream. And one of those times was Monday, when Barack "the future must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam" Obama spoke at a political rally in Las Vegas.

(A brief but important aside: the last time we recall Obama attending a political rally in Las Vegas was while the ruins of our embassy in Benghazi were literally still smoking. And there, he likened the "sacrifices" of political volunteers to those who sacrificed their lives in Libya. The rat bastard.)

But here in the present day, it wasn't our embassy on fire, but rather Barack Obama's pants for approximately the millionth time. And the whopper that particularly caught our attention was this one: "When you hear this talk about economic miracles, remember who started it!"

Well we do remember, and it sure as Shinola wasn't Barry. He further explained, "By the time I left office, wages were rising, the uninsurance rate was falling, poverty was falling, and that's what I handed off to the next guy."

But let's slip into our hip waders and parse this nonsense. Wages were "rising" from the grave at a nearly imperceptible rate owing to Obama's successful efforts to impede economic recovery as long as possible (indeed, it was the slowest economic recovery ever).  The rate of uninsurance declined only because people were ordered under penalty of law to get Obamacare, with taxpayers and the middle class getting stuck for the wildly unaffordable premiums. The claim that "poverty was falling" is absolutely unsubstantiated, and the notion that Barry handed off a nascent economic miracle to Trump is absurd on its face.

To that end, we'd like to take an opportunity to remind everyone of what Obama was actually handing off to his successor...

This is the man who spent hundreds of billions on fake "shovel ready jobs" that never materialized, but somehow managed to enrich the coffers of Democrats and radical liberal groups...

And this same economic genius actually proposed this as an idea to create a million new jobs (spoiler alert: it didn't create any)...

And he followed up that inspiration with this unintentional bit of "transparency"...

Yep, even with record unemployment and no hope on the horizon, Obama disbanded his advisory Jobs Council after not bothering to meet with them for over a year.

Make no mistake, Obama was an economic disaster for America and much of it was intentional on his part. The "economic miracle" is that we somehow managed to survive his eight year reign of error.

Branching Out

The story itself is tragic: a harmless 72-year-old man in India was innocently collecting a few pieces of dried wood when enraged monkeys in a nearby treetop started pelting him with actual bricks - sadly with deadly accuracy. The old gentleman died of multiple head and chest injuries, quite possibly with a look of horror on his face that this time more than monkey flop was being flung.

While it might not immediately seem that there is much for us to learn from this incident, other than that monkeys should have to go through background checks and a waiting period before getting their wiry little hands on bricks, we actually think the incident has strong parallels to what is currently happening in our own country.

Specifically, this angry mob of monkeys puts us in mind of the angry mobs of Leftists who are getting increasingly vocal, aggressive, and confrontational in streets, restaurants, and government buildings. Although fortunately, being basement dwellers, most Antifa types have no tree-climbing skills, and lack the upper body strength to actually lift a brick - let alone throw it farther than the toe of their Doc Martens.

Consider this: in India, the monkeys are considered sacred and are coddled for their entire worthless lives. Any mischief they get up to, apparently including murder, is quickly forgiven. Besides, how can you tell one monkey from another? Meanwhile in the United States, the Leftists promoting street violence are also products of privilege, raised with neither discipline nor a sense of responsibility. Like the monkeys, they gather in mobs and take efforts to make sure that they all look so much alike that no one can tell them apart.

Then there are the more obvious comparisons, the first of which is that both murderous monkey mobs and Antifa protesters are little assholes who want to raise Hell just for the fun of it, with no ability to actually communicate intelligibly what it is they actually want (other than mayhem). Another is that both groups choose victims who are essentially helpless; as a case in point, just look at the Antifa protester in Portland, Oregon who told a widow that her deceased husband, a police officer killed in the 9/11 attacks, was a "sodomizer" who should "rot in the grave."

Remarkably, this little feces-flinger's attitude changed completely when confronted by an actual alpha male - the widow's son. He turned tail and ran, shamed in front of the other anarchy monkeys, and thus unlikely to ever get an opportunity to breed.

There are surely other similarities between the simians and the simpletons, but we don't have enough Jane Goodall in us to bother sorting it all out. Suffice it to say that the potential danger from both kinds of pests will only diminish when people decide they've had enough.

BONUS: STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

Later today, Donald Trump will be appearing in Houston, Texas to campaign for Ted Cruz, who is in a pitched senatorial battle with Democrat "Beto" O'Rourke - a full blooded Irishman who identifies as being Hispanic. Cruz is still enjoying a lead in the polls, despite unprecedented millions of dollars flowing into O'Rourke's campaign from sources outside Texas (and none of which sources want anything good to happen to Texas).

So it's a fine thing that Trump will be leading another pep rally, but we can't help but wonder if the atmosphere might be a little strained backstage, considering the brutal attacks Trump and Cruz exchanged when running for President. And in case you've forgotten, here's a little reminder from the vault...

"Dignity. Always dignity."

Russian to Judgment

Considering all of the sex, violence, and name-calling currently in the news, we thought it would be refreshing to present a story with a more spiritual side.

Specifically, Vladimir Putin has announced that in the event Russia suffers a nuclear attack, all of the Russians who are incinerated will go straight to Heaven. Yay!

Granted, we think his theology may be a little suspect on this particular point, as pretty much all faiths demand belief in their core tenets and require acts of redemption to get past Saint Peter (or in this case, Saint Petersburg) rather than simply dying in a spectacularly colorful way.

Still, Putin asserts that the glow-in-the-dark Russians would have been martyred, which is apparently akin to having a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Mind you, we thought that only worked if you were martyred for your faith - but who are we to question a world leader who poisons journalists he doesn't like?

Gulp.

Then again, maybe Vlad got insights into a change in the eternal entrance requirements in a vision in which he was told, "After my resurrection, I have more flexibility."