Word War II

Apparently, the rule about "one bottle of water" had some wiggle room 

On Tuesday, September 10, we'll finally see the great debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris. An epic confrontation which will at last answer the question on everyone's mind: is it even possible for that whiny, nasal, cackling female hyena (with the sporadic Stepin Fetchit accent) to get out a cogent sentence that makes sense? At least when her boss was onstage, he made it damn clear that he beat Medicare.

Kamala's people are already laying the groundwork to explain her likely failure by saying that the debate rules, which were specifically demanded by Joe Biden, will disadvantage her. For instance, she'll be handicapped by the fact that Trump's microphone will be turned off while she's speaking, raising the very real danger that people will hear what she's saying. Additionally, there will be no studio audience to cheer riotously when Kamala mentions her love of Venn diagrams, yellow school buses, the difference between being strong and being a bitch, soaking collard greens in her bathtub, and her promise that someday children will be able to see the moon with their own eyes.

Still, it's likely that Harris will get an eensy-weensy iota of help from the ABC moderators when it comes to the questioning. Having previously stated that she intends to confiscate guns, pull the plug on free speech, and outlaw fracking, we'll all be leaning in to our TV sets when she's finally put on the spot and asked what her favorite color is. Trump, on the other hand, will be asked if he's given up rape during the campaign, why he wants to destroy democracy, and how long it will take him to grow a little Hitler mustache. There is also an unconfirmed rumor that while he's answering, the moderators will take shots at Trump's ear with BB guns.

And speaking of shots, let's each knock back a drink every time Kamala uses the phrase "convicted felon" on Tuesday night and see if we're still conscious by the end of the debate. Or want to be.

FROM THE 2020 VAULT: AGING RACIST TEAMS WITH SKANKY WOMAN OF COLOR!

History was made Tuesday afternoon when Joe Biden's hand, resting limply on a Ouija Board planchette, was aggressively guided to a picture of Senator Kamala Harris - thereby making her the official Democrat candidate for vice president of the United States.

Of course, when drummed out of the actual presidential nomination process, Harris said it was because Democrats (those misogynistic racist bastards) just weren't ready to vote for a "strong woman of color" - a trend which we hope to see repeated in November.

She also wasn't shy about accusing Biden himself of a long, long history of racism...



While none of the finalists on Joe's potential VP list were any good, we have to admit in complete honesty that we find Ms. Harris the most odious of the lot. Even her nomination is a sad day for our nation.

Reading Club (With Spikes On It)

Don't panic, it's just another pen name

I've been remiss about commenting on the news lately because it's all so exasperating, preposterous, and staged. Truthfully, I don't have the emotional stamina to put up with it. And yet, I love talking to everyone here and I need to post something. And so today is the day I'm finally unveiling my one-and-only novel and, for a limited time, making it free on Amazon kindle (or any computer, tablet, or phone with the free Amazon Kindle reader app).

Here's the book description from the Amazon page:

Clump is a man with no name, no past and, most importantly, no head. The huge, heavily muscled giant is unaware of the world around him, but improbably becomes the most popular entertainer in America. Clump's unscrupulous medical and media handlers work desperately to manage his skyrocketing career and wholesome, family-friendly public image...while concealing the inconvenient fact that the headless man is homicidally dangerous when touched.

A so-called "splatire" owing to the mix of razor-sharp comedy and graphic violence, CLUMP's satiric targets include the entertainment industry, medicine, journalism, mega churches, corporate greed and ineptitude, politics, and a morally vacuous culture that increasingly and enthusiastically embraces the brainless.

This scathingly hilarious novel is not for the faint-hearted, the thin-skinned, or the unadventurous but is an all-you-can stomach buffet for those who like their comedy dark and their social commentary barbed.

Wow! Sounds great, huh?! But the buying public hasn't managed to discover the book in the past ten years (and some readers who did discover the book were appalled). So "CLUMP" is buried so deep in the Amazon algorithms that it usually won't turn up even if you search for it by name. I'm hoping to change that by having a bunch of people download the book for free. And I'd love honest reviews, too (that don't mention this blog or "Stilton" or other clues that would lead the FBI to my door).

But fair warning: despite being a very funny book, it's also sporadically horrifying and politically incorrect in a spectacular variety of ways. If I was big enough to be cancelled, this book would do the trick!

It wasn't my goal to shock, but I absolutely was willing to shock in pursuit of truth. Because that's what satire does, and "splatire" even more so.

"CLUMP" has F-bombs the way Colonel Sanders has fried chicken: an unending supply in spicy and extra crispy varieties. There is violence, rape, cruelty, sexism, and other sins galore. But all in the interest of (my) truth and dark humor. Very, very dark humor. And despite being a decade old, you'll find it surprisingly timely in the context of current events.

So let me be very clear: I'd really appreciate it if you download the book (and feel free to share the link with friends who won't know what hit them) but you don't have to read it. Obviously, I'd like people to read it and hopefully enjoy it or even write a short review. But if you're already reaching for a barf bag in the first 20 pages, just walk away slowly - it only gets more intense. And better.

Here's a quick taste test - the opening paragraph: "Rita Romero Gonzaga Gonzales had fabulous breasts. They were large, natural, mocha brown, and not covered in blood yet."

The e-book of CLUMP: An American Splatire is FREE for Kindle (and devices using the free Kindle app) from Friday, August 30 until Tuesday, September 3rd. (Discount begins at 12 am Pacific time) Make sure it says "$0.00" before hitting the buy button, and make sure that it's not just showing "$0.00" for Amazon Unlimited customers, which is a whole different deal. There's also a beautiful paperback edition suitable for classing up coffee tables, bookshelves, and bathrooms! 

Live And Impersonator

The Trump vs. Harris debate is coming soon, and the two camps are already preparing for battle. In order to sharpen her rhetorical skills, Harris is said to be doing practice debates against a comedian who is also a skilled Trump impersonator. And frankly, I'd give one of anything I have two of to be able to write lines and insults for that man to use in the practice debates.

Kamala: I'm unburdened by what was.
Stand-in: You're unburdened by a quart of Jack Daniels.

Kamala: I will enact price caps on goods and services.
Stand-in: And that's why they call you Commie Lie Harris. Commie. Lie. Harris.

Kamala: Donald Trump is a convicted felon.
Stand-in: You laugh like a Batman villain. Seriously, it makes you sound crazy. 

Kamala: I'm focused on the future.
Stand-in: Because your past has been a terrible, terrible disaster for all of us. Terrible.

Kamala: I'm a proud black woman.
Stand-in: Remind me - what are the seven principles of Kwanzaa that you and your Indian family always celebrated in Canada?

Kamala: I will continue the policies of Joe Biden.
Stand-in: Do you mind if I use that in a campaign ad?

Kamala: You're Hitler!
Stand-in: You're the one in favor of killing Jews. So wrong. I think you're a Nut-zi.

Trump will surely be practicing for the debate too, but it's doubtful that he'll need a Kamala double to spar with. After all, unlike Harris, Trump fields aggressive questions from the press every day. He already knows how to respond to every accusation and insinuation. And he damn well knows the difference between "joyful" and "nuts"...

LOVE AT FIRST SOUNDBITE

While largely dismissed by the news media as an ineffectual, cackling annoyance, Kamala Harris is now truly, deeply loved and worshipped as a genius and gifted leader by all the talking heads and political parasites. So much so that they're crooning this sweet song...