Mundane Morning Quarterback

We hope you enjoy the cartoon above, because there was no way we were wading into the morass (not that we're against morass) of the latest news cycle.

Anti-Sharia Law protesters were attacked by Antifa counter-protesters, while LGBT groups took to the streets in support of Islam. We'll note that LGBT folks also take to the streets in Islamic countries, only they start from rooftops.

We learned that Comey may or may not really have secret memos, Trump may or may not really have secret tapes, Mueller may or may not be preparing to charge the President with obstructing the investigation of crimes which didn't happen, and all the while tweets keep flying out of the Oval Office in the wee hours (or, to men of a certain age, the wee-wee hours) to remind everyone that The Donald has political Tourette's syndrome.

So instead of dwelling on the depressing stuff above, we're going to share some actual, thoroughly investigated good news to get your Monday morning (and conceivably many other mornings) off to a good start: "Zing Zang" Bloody Mary mix is great.

We discovered this on Saturday morning while attending a dog's birthday party. Bloody Marys were served, though not all of the people (and none of the dogs) in attendance availed themselves of such, apparently under the mistaken belief that when it's 8 a.m. in Texas, it really isn't "5 o'clock somewhere."  We begged to differ, and further pointed out that on the very spot we were standing, it had turned 5 o'clock three hours ago.

You may question our logic, but it's demonstrably sounder than anything else in the news.

Breakfast of Champions

Comey's Testy Moaning

Despite stratospheric levels of hype, yesterday's laughably named "intelligence hearing" testimony by disgraced former FBI Director James Comey wasn't so much "shock and awe" as "Rorschach" and "Aw, shut the Hell up."

We cite Rorschach because, as is the case with other meaningless ink blots, everyone interpreted Comey's remarks however they wanted: the Right sees Trump as completely exonerated, and the Left believes they heard so much dirt that they can't decide whether to take the time to impeach the President or simply march on the White House with pitchforks and torches and burn the building down while he's still inside.

The reality, as nearly as we can tell, is that Trump didn't do anything legally wrong when talking to Comey about Mike Flynn and the Russian investigation. But in true snowflake-style, Comey is now interpreting his own bizarre feelings and fantasies related to that conversation as proof of wrongdoing.

Comey, who is dishonest and Machiavellian but no fool, is fully aware that Trump did nothing to obstruct justice - but he was spinning like a Dervish trying to imply otherwise. Which makes it fortunate that he no longer runs the Federal Bureau of Implication.

Comey did occasionally share interesting truths, including his concern that former DOJ head Loretta Lynch had been compromised during her meeting with Bill Clinton on an airport tarmac. He additionally confirmed that Lynch asked him (which in Comey's mind is apparently a direct order) to refer to Hillary's criminal investigation as a "matter" - which Comey subsequently did, even though he freely admits that it was a lie designed only to help Hillary's image during election season.

All in all, his testimony showed only that Trump can be ham-handedly (but legally) direct when expressing his thoughts...and that Comey (among others associated with Obama and Clinton) has genuinely made a practice of obstructing justice by attempting to interpret the hints, nuances, and implied desires of his political masters.

Because a nod is as good as a wink when justice isn't intended to be blind.

Blank Reality Check

With the announcement that 25-year old "Reality Winner" (no, really) had been arrested for stealing and leaking top secret documents, it became clear to us that a near and dear friend who was very ill for a very long time had finally been pushed over the brink: we regret to say that Satire is dead.

Because seriously, when a story gets this "in your face" ridiculous - what details are left for us to push to humorous extremes?!

Start with her name: "Reality Winner." Then let's tick off the other boxes: lesbian bodybuilder, ardent Bernie Sanders supporter, a "Black Lives Matter" enthusiast who (though white herself) argues that "Being white is terrorism." A woman whose social media posts include referring to the President of the United States as a "piece of shit" and the "Tangerine in chief," who additionally declares that in a war between the US and Iran, she'll side with Iran.

And still...STILL...she was given a top secret security clearance and access to classified materials. Which raises two very troubling questions: just what in blazing Hell does someone have to do to not get a security clearance, and how many other angry, ignorant, communist-leaning, anti-American social justice warriors are currently embedded in (and sabotaging) our intelligence agencies?!

We're guessing the number to be terrifyingly high, but can't know for sure because trying to find out would require functional intelligence agencies. And that ship, like Satire, has sailed.