Just Slay No

Leave it to our intrepid correspondent Busty Ross to bring a fresh new perspective to the otherwise stultifying Kavanaugh lynching...er, we mean proceedings. Ms Ross is, of course, not a woman to be trifled with, and we pity the fool who would underestimate her ability to convincingly make the case that "no means no."

Mind you, we're not actually recommending that every incidence of an unwanted sexual advance end with a man being dumped into a shallow grave - though we do think it's a great idea for women to know the basics (or more) of self-defense. Failing all else, ladies, just remember that a knee to the nuts is a highly compelling argument.

But rather than violence, we want to speak about the unfortunate effects of holding in a horrible secret for 30 years. This does nothing good for either the psyche of the victim, nor the accuracy of memories related to the actual event. We certainly acknowledge that coming clean at the time of an assault may create shame and embarrassment for the victim; in the case currently under review, the alleged victim said she couldn't tell anyone (least of all her parents) because she had knowingly put herself in harm's way by attending an unchaperoned "party" with older boys and alcohol.

But now, with the passage of so much time, it's simply impossible to know what really happened at that party so long ago and how much the victim's memories have metastasized or been rewritten.

And yet, the Left demands that justice must be done to avenge the complainant's honor, whether it was actually besmirched or not.

Which brings us to A Modest Proposal: the Left wants Kavanaugh punished despite the lack of evidence, the impossibility of investigation, and the expiration - by decades - of any relevant statute of limitations. We therefore suggest that he be sentenced to perform community service to pay back his debt to society in general and women in particular.

Specifically, we think he should be sentenced to lifetime community service...just as quickly as he can be sworn in for his well-deserved seat on the Supreme Court.

BONUS: BROKEBACK MUPPETS

Our "Tempest in a Teapot" Award for the week goes to the minor media brouhaha surrounding an announcement by a former Sesame Street writer that puppet buddies Bert and Ernie were actually gay lovers - at least in the writer's mind (which is never a healthy place to be - trust us on this one).

Sesame Street quickly denied the allegation, making the not inconsequential point that the characters are puppets and not sexualized in any way. The whole subject is, like the bulge in Caitlyn Jenner's knickers, a moot point.

Truthfully, we think the LGBT community should be relieved to hear this. After all, do they really want gay couples to be represented as poorly dressed, constantly bickering, hopelessly dimwitted doofuses who exhibit really bad impulse control along and obsessive fascination in the ABCs, primary colors, and squeaky bath toys? We think not.

Rather, Sesame Street says that the real dynamic between Bert and Ernie is to show us that very different types of people can still be very good friends. And gay or straight, that's a great lesson for all of us.

Getting Gamey

And in the interest of fair play...

An oldie but a goody. The gag, not Stormy.

We live in confusing times. The Left is currently trying to destroy Brett Kavanaugh by painting him as a wannabee rapist (and potential murderer) for perhaps inappropriately touching a girl at a party when they were both in their teens. Which he denies categorically, and we believe him.

But still, in order to be seen as anything but troglodyte sexist pigs, we're supposed to accept the idea that every woman is a gentle flower whose life can be ruined and psyche shattered by an unwanted physical advance. Fine.

But how are we supposed to square that notion in comparison to what the Left's current moral champion, Stormy Daniels, is saying in her new, soon-to-be-discounted book? Referring to her alleged tryst with Donald Trump, she says "I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart." Yikes. No gentle flower, she. Yet despite this horrible experience, she hasn't subsequently shown signs of PTSD or the need for counseling.

Our point is that people - yes, even women - have entirely subjective reactions to things which occur in their lives. Reactions which can be radically different even in similar circumstances. And it is these subjective, emotional reactions which often become memories even more than the actual events which inspired them.

Which is why, in the absence of any evidence of wrongdoing, it would be a crime to deny Brett Kavanaugh his seat on the Supreme Court. Where he can safeguard the Constitution which states, however sadly, that it is not a crime for Stormy Daniels to write a sleazy book.

Blown Away

Liberal media is pretty much the definition of "an ill wind that totally blows."

By now, everyone has seen the infamous bit of video footage in which a Weather Channel reporter struggles to stay on his feet while braving the apocalyptic winds of Hurricane Florence, unaware that two guys casually strolling by in the background completely reveal the on-air (no pun intended) fakery.

It's pretty funny until one thinks about what a perfect visual metaphor it is for the way every news story seems to be reported these days. Everything is an emergency and looming disaster. Everything is a grave risk to our freedoms and our way of life. And everything depends on paying very, very close attention to the hyperventilating talking heads rather than what we can see with our own eyes in the background.

Every news outlet is guilty of this theatrical charade (yes, even Fox News) although no one can beat the Lefties for sheer hysteria and generating their own gale force winds. Is it merely a coincidence that the longtime slogan of MSNBC was "Leaning Forward?" We think not.  And frankly, Hurricane Donald isn't really helping the situation any.

Stilton's Place would like to see the journalistic histrionics turned way the heck down (tranquilizer darts are not out of the question) to decrease the dangerous and deliberate agitation currently polarizing our country.

Trust us, news media, when we say that contrary to Bob Dylan's admonition, the answer is not blowin' in the wind.