Hammer Time

They sound like bursting grapes!

Removing any lingering doubts that 2019 might not suck with the intensity of an immense black hole, yesterday Nancy Pelosi again wrapped her claw-like talons around a ceremonial gavel (which she refers to as "my precious") as she was restored to the lofty position of Speaker of the House of Representatives.

"Let each of us pledge that when we disagree, we will respect each other and we will respect the truth," said the aging harpy who recently showed her respect for the President of the United States by saying that listening to him was like being sprayed with skunk piss.

"Transparency will be the order of the day," she added - clearly not caring about the irony of her demands to turn off news cameras during her recent meeting with Trump, not to mention her famous quote about Obamacare that "we have to pass it so you can see what's in it." In other words, the only thing "transparent" about Nancy's tenure for the next two years will be the obviousness of her anti-American motives.

Nancy also promised that Democrats "will make America more American by protecting our patriotic, courageous Dreamers who aren't actually Americans and may, in a few cases, belong to violent gangs."

Okay, she didn't really finish the sentence like that, but we're sure she wouldn't mind us adding the additional facts for the sake of transparency.

And while she didn't specifically mention the controversial border wall which is currently the cause of a partial government shutdown, her inflexible position on the issue is already impacting a lot of lives...

The lack of a border wall tempts people to make a very dangerous journey...in hopes of eventually committing the crime of entering our country illegally, after which a huge percentage will survive on welfare.

But not everyone makes it. Many woman and children are routinely raped and abused during the journey, and still others simply die of various causes - nearly 400, just last year. We'd include the young girl and boy who recently died after being dragged over the border by neglectful parents. The United States tried to save the children's lives, but it was too late.

Refusing to build the wall is an open invitation to more suffering and death. But deaths - even those of women and children - are secondary to the political advantages Democrats intend to gain by flooding our country with government-dependent illegals.

So besides giving Nancy that gavel, maybe we should also give her a shovel with which to dig graves for those who she'll continue to sacrifice for her own ambitions.

2018 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

Happy New Year! Before resuming our autopsy of 2018, we pause for a moment of fresh news:

Democratic Socialist Elizabeth Warren has announced the formation of an exploratory committee to test the waters for a 2020 presidential run. In response, the ever-subtle Donald Trump tweeted that "you'd have to ask her psychiatrist" if she really thinks she could win. Which reminded us of an old joke...

Elizabeth Warren went to the psychiatrist and said, "Ever since I decided to run for president, I've been having weird dreams. One night I dream I'm a tepee, and the next night I dream I'm a wigwam! And that's how it goes, night after night - tepee, wigwam, tepee, wigwam..."
"The problem," the psychiatrist interrupts, "is that you're two tents."

And now, back to 2018 and...

JULY



Even when we created the cartoon above, we had no idea how low the Democrats would actually go in disparaging the character of Brett Kavanaugh. This distinguished jurist with a nearly saintly resume would eventually be accused of being a drug-dispensing mastermind of gang rapes.

Oddly (but not unsuccessfully), the Democrats took this appallingly low road in hopes of making themselves more appealing to Progressive midterm voters...



Democrats and media outlets (but we repeat ourselves) began predicting an enormous "blue wave" in the midterm elections owing to the fact that the United States had fallen under Russian control, Trump was emptying dump trucks of weeping immigrant children into concentration camps, rising employment numbers were declared to be a meaningless statistical trick, and Western civilization was on the verge of collapse owing to the President's suggestion that NATO members start paying their dues.

For Progressives, these were powerful messages. And all the more so when they were echoed by their living god in...

AUGUST



Barack Obama made a series of campaign appearances in which he didn't so much promise that Democrats would do a good job if elected, but rather spent most of his time trying to take credit for Donald Trump's long list of successes. Predictably, the self-absorbed sonofagun also worked "I," "me," and "mine" into his speeches so frequently that there was no time left for any other words.

Unsurprisingly, the majority of candidates Barry campaigned for got their rear ends handed to them. Proof that when it comes to political expertise, Democrats should stick with those who really know how to work the system...



Okay, the Clintons probably didn't really say that. Mostly because there's no need to say out loud that which is already tacitly understood.

Which is why they would never have faced what Trump did in...

SEPTEMBER



Porn princess Stormy "Campbell's Cream of Mens Room" Daniels recaptured the hearts and minds of feminists, First Amendment advocates, and liberal news outlets by describing the President's fiddly bits in graphic detail. This was a very important story because, frankly, any story that doesn't involve sex can't hold the attention of a Progressive for more than about 10 seconds.

A truism clearly illustrated by the ongoing torture of the yet-unconfirmed Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh...



Dr. Christine Blasey Ford became the primary witness against alleged serial rapist Brett Kavanaugh, tearfully testifying that at a time and place she couldn't actually remember (but was decades ago), the future jurist had drunkenly pushed her onto a bed and pawed briefly at her clothing. Ford named four witnesses, all of whom swore to the FBI (under penalty of law) that they had no idea what the hell Ford was talking about.

Still, Democrats on Kavanaugh's hearing committee praised the nearly-amnesiac Ford for her courageous testimony, which she made with no hope of personal gain beyond the $600,000 in GoFundMe donations she received for her histrionic performance. She presumably was also able to sell film rights to her dramatic story, "I Might Have Been Felt Up."

In order to give the FBI time to somehow investigate this story with no dates, places, or witnesses, voting on Kavanaugh's appointment was delayed until...

OCTOBER



Kavanaugh survived the nightmarish hearings, but every Democrat voted against him. Progressive voters were predictably (and deliberately) fired up to vote against the party of "Rapey McRapeface" in the midterms.

It was definitely time to take sex out of the news and get back to the discussion of important, substantive political issues...



A judge ruled against Stormy "Now Try to Clap" Daniels' anti-defamation suit against Donald Trump, and ordered her to pay him over $300,000 in restitution. Which is a lot of money, even for an experienced restitute.

And she wasn't the only one being featured in news stories about money...



Still working the campaign trail, Barack Obama's pants burst into Benghazi-level flames when, regarding Trump's astounding economic achievements, he said, "When you hear this talk about economic miracles, remember who started it!"

Well, it sure as Shinola wasn't Barry. Although maybe his claim caused some investors to have doubts about whether an "Obama recovery" would last. By pure coincidence, the stock market suddenly began a fourth quarter nosedive which would eventually make 2018 a disastrous year for investors. And not a great year for America, either, as we found out in...

NOVEMBER

The mid-term elections were finally held, and while the much-heralded "blue wave" didn't materialize, Democrats still won back the House of Representatives. This virtually assures gridlock, specious lawsuits and investigations, and garden variety nonsense for the next two years thanks to a fresh crop of idiots...



Democrat Socialist Representative-elect Alexandria "Way Too Much Caffeine" Ocasio-Cortez was dismayed during early orientation in Washington because people kept assuming that she was a young, clueless intern instead of a young, clueless member of Congress.

Cortez, a darling of the social media Left, proved to be an unending source of hilarious (albeit terrifying) quotes, declaring that she would be "inaugurated" into her new job, that she believed that she'd soon have the power to sign bills into law, and thought she could subpoena anyone who dared mock her on Twitter. All of which made her more "fascist" than "fast learner."

Not that fast learners were in abundance, even in university settings...



Detroit's Oakland University announced a new policy of passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. This wouldn't prevent a tragedy, of course, but might at least provide a bit of comic relief during an otherwise grim situation.

And "grim situation" wasn't a bad descriptor of...

DECEMBER



The Wall Street debacle continued, powered by the Fed raising interest rates and ongoing media claims that the Mueller "investigation" would be dropping an impeachable bomb on Donald Trump at any moment.

Not that Trump cared. Rather, he was pressing ahead with the nation's business - including crucial budget negotiations which would provide for secure borders. Not that everyone saw eye to eye with him on this issue...



With the year drawing to a close, Trump and the Democrats agreed that they'd rather see a partial government shutdown than back down from their respective positions on funding a border wall. But fortunately, there was distraction from the existential nightmare of the government giving paid time off to "non-essential employees" thanks to a jolly old elf...



In a poll (not to be confused with a North Pole), 27% of respondents declared that they'd prefer Santa Claus to be female or gender neutral, rather than a despicable old white man. This despite the fact that the actual Saint Nicholas was an old white man who, presumably, believed that his generosity to others didn't have to go to extremes like submitting to castration. Because seriously, what fun is Christmas once you've lost your sugar plums?

Which thankfully brings us to the end of 2018, a year which richly deserves the shallow, unmarked, backwoods grave into which we've hastily lowered it, and brings us to 2019 - which stretches out before us like a vast, untrodden mine field.

We look forward to sharing and surviving it with you!

2018 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2018 is nearly done, and few of us will be shedding bitter salt tears over its passing. It was a year which frequently lacked subtlety or rationality - seemingly the new norm in the hyperbolic, neon-colored, Thunderdome world of Donald Trump versus the Lunatic Left.

JANUARY



Donald Trump started the New Year's ball rolling by tweeting that he is "like, very smart and a stable genius," which is pretty much all it took for the Left to declare it prima facie evidence that the man is nuts. An opinion which they didn't change after what may or may not have been the President's questionable choice of words regarding certain third world countries...



In a closed meeting about special immigration protections for some populations, Trump allegedly asked "why do we want people from shithole countries?" Despite the fact that the quote couldn't be verified, Trump was vilified by the Dems as a racist (yawn), while others wondered "why do we want people from shithole countries?"

As it turns out, we'd want them to clean up the rubble in case the world was destroyed during a government shutdown...



Leave it to CNN to turn a boring government shutdown into a possible apocalypse. Which is exactly what they did with their preposterous claim that the "Government Shutdown Risks An Undetected Asteroid Strike."

Not that potential catastrophes were absolutely impossible...



Trump stated that he was willing to be put under oath to answer questions from Special Weasel Robert Mueller regarding Russian collusion, potential obstruction of justice, and the whereabouts of the kidnapped Lindberg baby. Happily, we'd make it to the end of the year without that happening. Meanwhile in...

FEBRUARY



We learned from Democratic operative Donna Brazile, who has miraculously not shot herself multiple times in the back of the head, that in the run-up to the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton literally bought the debt-ridden DNC in order to ensure that she would become the nominee, thus disenfranchising the young Democrat voters who overwhelmingly and enthusiastically supported Bernie "I'll Drop Out for a Lake House" Sanders.

Of course, Hillary wasn't the only politician finding questionable ways of spending money...



Trump caused renewed conniption fits by declaring that the United States would put on a giant, wildly-expensive military parade to show the world our awesome destructive capabilities and our talent for presenting entertaining, highly-choreographed events. Plans for the parade fell by the wayside when the President redirected his laser-like attention to playful squirrels on the White House lawn.

Which allowed the media to direct their attention to the squirrels who had previously occupied the White House...

Laughably awful official portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama were unveiled, with art critics swooning over the works solely because they were created by persons of color. Which should have been taken as a considerable insult to the many persons of color who - unlike these hacks - have actual artistic skills. 

And speaking of hacking, in mid-February we finally got an accounting of Russia's actual financial investment in (ahem) corrupting the 2016 election...

Despite the media's claim that Russian election interference was "a worse attack than Pearl Harbor," it turns out that Putin's evil army spent $46,000 on Facebook ads, compared to over $81 million spent on Facebook by Clinton and Trump. In other words, over 99.9% of campaign ads on Facebook weren't originated by Russia, making it pretty darn unlikely that Russia had any influence on the election's outcome whatsoever (and certainly less impact than Facebook's own anti-conservative bias). 

This apparently struck President Trump as good enough news for him to make a happy and hardly unexpected announcement...

Trump announced that he'd be running for President again in 2020. This set a new official record of early declaration for the office, but failed to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words. 

Words were also on the mind of another former first lady...

Okay, it wasn't actually going to be a sex manual (apparently some asshole had already used the name "Obama Sutra" on a book), just a standard memoir which sold for an un-standard price: Michelle and Barry split $60 million for their respective book deals. And while their books might not be page-turners, the calendar pages predictably turned to...

MARCH

The world was once again shocked, shocked, by an announcement from Donald Trump...

Trump agreed to meet with North Korea's leader, Kim Jung Un, to discuss the possible denuclearization of the nasty little dictatorship. Hilariously, serial liar and Obama insider (but we repeat ourselves) Susan Rice immediately came forward to suggest that, prior to the meeting, Trump avail himself of the "expertise" which informed the Obama administration's feckless (and fecked up) policy of watching North Korea build increasingly powerful nukes.

Of course, Trump wasn't the only high profile politician working the international scene...

We didn't make up Hillary's wildly offensive statements above. This is what she was spewing in India while promoting her book "What Happened," describing the millions of Americans who voted for Trump as hateful, misogynistic racists who would actually have to improve to be deplorables. 

Not that those on the Left hated those who were actually deplorable...

Aging porn star Stormy "Sperm Bank" Daniels was interviewed on 60 minutes about her nightmarish experience of having consensual sex with a man who gave her a six-figure paycheck to keep her mouth shut, after which she realized, heartbreakingly, that she could likely get seven figures for blabbing. Oddly, the simple act of a whore raising her price made her a feminist hero.

And while on the topic of people who don't take human reproduction seriously enough...

While in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering (or some word that sounds similar) the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress." Yes, he actually played the relay race card.

But even the notion of a million fetal versions of Barack Obama couldn't quite make us supportive of the ghouls at Planned Parenthood...

Giddy from getting 500 million taxpayer dollars in the "Omnibus Funding Bill," a Pennsylvania branch of Planned Parenthood came up with this bold initiative to make their services more appealing to very young girls who weren't aborted.

And that wasn't the only entertainment related news...



After striking development deals with Barack and Michelle Obama, streaming giant Netflix made Susan "Bald-Faced Liar and Accessory to Murder" Rice a member of their board of directors owing to her "great expertise" with foreign policy. The company would subsequently go on to lose over one third of its stock market value, decimating the retirement portfolio of America's best-loved (and least known) political cartoonist.

Although there would at least be a bit of comic relief coming up in...

APRIL



Actually, we don't need to give any additional explanation to that cartoon, do we? Rather, we should save our wits for trying to decipher other mysteries...



Disgraced former FBI director and serial-leaker James Comey announced a publication date for his tell-all book, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership." The book was a compilation of insights by a man who couldn't find dirt on Hillary, a stunt that even Helen Keller couldn't pull off despite being blind, deaf, and dead.

That's a combination of conditions that the rest of us might envy, considering we still had to put up with nonsense like this in...

MAY



Actually, Michelle, there's a new and immeasurably better First Lady in town. Not that she has ever been shown the proper respect...



Melania Trump was gracious, elegant, and compelling when giving an anti-bullying speech, but Progressives attacked the world traveling, multi-lingual First Lady for having a "funny accent" and not "sounding like an American." This from the same people who have helped flood our nation with so many illegals that we now have to punch buttons on our phones just to continue a conversation in English.

And of course, there had been no such criticism of Hillary "I Always Carry Hot Sauce!" Clinton when she'd previously had a sudden attack of "Amos-and-Andyitis" when addressing a group of African Americans.

But that didn't mean that race was no longer a sensitive subject...

The glasses make all the difference.

Following Roseanne Barr's career-ending tweet, everyone resolved to use much more civil language in...

JUNE



Well, that didn't last long! After all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman, alleged comedian Samantha Bee took to the airwaves to declare that "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt." After which, withered miniature actress Sally Field tweeted her disagreement with Ms. Bee because "cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest." Making us think that the onetime Flying Nun likely experienced a few too many crash landings without a helmet.

So, too, did our hopes crash when hearing the results of the DOJ Inspector General's report on James Comey...



The report called Comey's actions in Hillary Clinton's alleged investigation "extraordinary and insubordinate," and added that various FBI agents assigned to the case were actively working to "stop Trump," but suggested no charges for anyone involved because, as Comey said of Hillary, no harm was intended.

Which pretty much made it official that America has no instrumentality for acting against a slow motion coups attempt staged by our intelligence agencies.

But that wasn't going to be the month's biggest blow to our nation's actual intelligence...



Dr. Charles Krauthammer died from a recurrence of cancer. An author and Fox News contributor, Krauthammer's wit, wisdom, encyclopedic knowledge, and stunning gifts of insight and analysis were (and are) desperately needed in these chaotic times.

Besides his remarkable academic gifts, Charles Krauthammer could make us laugh, loudly and frequently. And he radiated a strength and positivity about life, despite facing and overcoming enormous personal obstacles. His passing was a huge loss for our country, our culture, and to our lives at a time when actual reason and rationality were in demonstrably short supply...

After Sarah Huckabee Sanders was chased from a restaurant, Mad Maxine Waters joined the throngs of Democrats calling for organized violence against members of the Trump administration. It was Waters' contention that decent people shouldn't be expected to share their community, government, restaurants, or Democrats-only drinking fountains with those she considered sub-humans. A mindset which was once all the rage, literally, in parts of our country.

But fortunately, justice and righteousness got a shot at making a return when Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement, giving Donald Trump the opportunity to name a well-qualified potential successor...

Having none of those items, Barry Soetoro didn't get the nod for the job. But little did we know how much grief was about to occur regarding the actual nominee...

Join us Wednesday for 2018: The Year in Review (Part Two)!

BONUS!

Hosting a New Year's party tonight, or need a hostess gift for a party you're attending? Print this picture (click on it for a larger size), put it in a Dollar Store frame, and hang it on the wall (preferably over the bar).

See how many people figure out the New Year's significance of the (wait for it!) old Lang sign...