Okay, by this time you all know the drill. We've looked at the tangled can of worms that is currently the "news" (Example: "Did Trump call Meghan Markle 'nasty' and, if so, why does that add to the urgent need to impeach him? We'll ask our panel of experts...") and decided we'd rather not play that particular game today.
Soooo, we've once again grabbed a perfectly innocent piece of clip art and added enough punchlines to hopefully assure you of at least one laugh today. Which is still more than you'd get from looking at current events.
In keeping with this thought, let us share this fun country-rock ballad co-written by The Five's own Greg Gutfeld and performed by co-writer John Rich (with The Five doing the call-and-response background vocals). We appreciate the song's sentiment, and will also point out that the song is available on all major services with 100% of the profit going to charity. Because that's how capitalism beats the crap out of socialism. But there we go, talking about politics again...
After two years and millions of dollars spent on a fruitless investigation, Robert Mueller finally crawled from the primordial ooze to reveal himself as a swamp-dwelling Deep State weasel bent on overthrowing the President of the United States.
We refer, of course, to his "special announcement" on Wednesday which revealed not a scintilla of new or relevant information, but was packed with deceptive wording, insinuation, and innuendo. Which is, coincidentally, where we'd like to tell Mueller to shove his report and his opinions.
Mueller stated that he didn't have the power to indict a sitting President even if that President had committed a crime - strongly suggesting that if this weren't the case, he'd already have Trump in manacles. But no significant evidence of any crime involving Trump was included in his encyclopedic report. Which is why he's now trying to spin the results.
Similarly, Mueller stated that the Constitution requires a process other than the criminal justice system to bring charges against a sitting President. As a statement, it's perfectly true. As an insinuation, it practically screams that Mueller believes Congress should impeach Trump, despite his having committed no crimes.
Left-wing media sources (redundant, we know) are throwing confetti in the air, high-fiving, and popping champagne corks as they happily report that Mueller has very strongly implied that Trump was colluding with the Russians (who, according to Mueller, had a massive effect on the 2016 election), was guilty of obstructing justice even though nothing actually was obstructed, and that Trump needs to be impeached because...uh...because the Left finds him, his hair, his wife, his supporters, and his continuing successes so damn annoying.
As bad as all this is, Trump himself gave the media another stimulating pop of amyl nitrate when he subsequently tweeted that "I had nothing to do with Russia helping me to get elected." He later tried correcting the clumsily worded (surprise!) tweet, but it was too late. Alleged news outlets and social media were already ablaze with the news that Trump himself had finally admitted Russian collusion.
So between Mueller's deliberate obfuscation and Trump's par-for-the-course mangling of words, this hasn't been a great couple of days for those of us who, unlike Mueller, are still interested in justice, the fair application of laws, and our Constitution.
We can only hope that the Barr investigation of the power players behind this attempted coup will soon pay off, and real justice will be carried out promptly, fairly, and mercilessly.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
For those who may have been baffled by today's cartoon, it's a tip of the bowler to this classic Monty Python sketch...
The WHO (World Health Organization, not to be confused with the greatest rock band of all time) has recently updated their handbook, "The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems," as a helpful resource for doctors, health insurers, and hypochondriacs who are sure that they have something, dammit.
The 2019 revision notably includes devastating illnesses like "job burn-out," which is "a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed." Which, in our experience, pretty much describes every job we've ever held. And while the WHO doesn't explicitly say it, we assume that they see the job-creating Donald Trump as the Typhoid Mary of stress-inducing employment.
(Worth noting is the fact that there is still no vaccination for burn-out, although researchers at the Clan MacGregor distillery say "shots can help," which we can personally confirm.)
The WHO also updated their definition of "compulsive sexual disorder," a very serious condition best known for afflicting a former president who shall remain nameless, but whose wife's name is Hillary.
Thanks, Obamacare!
Other interesting changes to The Big Book of Horrible Conditions (which we think would be a much catchier title if they really want this thing to sell) include the WHO's official recognition of video game addiction. Which must be a terrible thing to have - just imagine the amount of work it must take to grind an X-Box console into powder fine enough to snort.
Happily, not all of the handbook's revisions were adding new medical conditions - some old ones have been reconsidered by the great medical minds in Geneva, Switzerland and it turns out that they weren't illnesses at all! As a case in point, transgenderism is no longer described as a "mental disorder," but simply a "natural variation of human experience."
This comes as great news to transgender folks, because many governments previously insisted on a medical "gender disorder" diagnosis before changing people's names and gender markers on official documents. But with the banishment of "gender disorder," anyone is now free to demand legal paperwork substantiating whatever name and gender currently tickles their fancy. (medical note: "fancy" is the official term for transgender genitalia).
The WHO handbook has literally hundreds of other interesting medical updates but unfortunately we're not able to comment on them at present. It's time for us to take our shot (or two) to avoid job burn-out.
