The Jarlsberg Diaries: Why I Was Late For Work

Okay, pretty much nobody is actually going to work these days, let alone having to explain why they are late. So let's turn the clock back to 1989...

I've mentioned here before that I am, among many other things, a radio kind of guy. I worked in the business for years, doing writing, production, and voice work - usually with an emphasis on comedy. I love the ability to create "theater of the mind" with audio and, even now, have nearly 8,000 sound effects and 14,000 pieces of production music on my computer. All of which falls somewhere between overkill and obsession.

When I first moved to Texas, I was hired to write syndicated radio scripts for "Hiney Wine" - a purely fictitious product which was perfect for radio-friendly double-entendres: "Founders Harry Hiney and Big Red Hiney remind you that there's no better way to relax after work than with a little Hiney." It was I who introduced the winery's upscale brand "Snifter Hiney," and yes - the jokes wrote themselves.

Which made me think, "why not create a syndicated comedy series of my own and get rich?" And thus was born "Why I Was Late for Work," a daily 60-second skit in which ridiculous characters offer up preposterous excuses for being late. The idea was for radio stations to sell sponsorships and then feature the bit every day during morning drive time (I simultaneously offered up a second series called "Gripe Line" in which fake callers phone in to the radio station to complain about moronic things).

Of course, a demo was needed, so I wrote and produced one (using some of the top radio voice talent in Dallas) to send off to various syndication companies. "Wow!" they all said. "That's really funny! Good luck selling it to someone else! Go away!"

But their (and my) loss is your gain, because some 30 years later, you are about to hear what almost no one else has ever heard. And you can decide whether or not I should have just let this ancient artifact continue to collect electronic dust on my hard drive.

In order to host this on Youtube, I've cobbled together a very rough video to accompany the audio demo, but the intent is really to give you something fun to listen to rather than look at.

I hope you enjoy it!

Bowled Over

Yes, the "coffee couple" we've been meeting with for ten years are back at work for your entertainment, albeit with a somewhat modified wardrobe.  How any coffee actually makes it to their lips in those suits isn't quite clear, but there's surely some benefit just from seeing friends and holding a hot cup.

On a barely related note, we created a political cartoon to run today...but then decided against posting it. Frankly, it just feels wrong to engage in partisan politics (even if we're entirely right, and the other side is entirely wrong) during a "we're all in this together" crisis. Hopefully this sentiment will spread, but even if it doesn't, it feels like the right call for now.

Instead, we'll simultaneously keep things light and focus on the matters at hand. Which is pretty much what's going on in the cartoon below...

BY POPULAR REQUEST: SUPPLY AND DEMANDS

Okay, here's the cartoon that I hadn't posted. Discussion to follow:

The genesis of this cartoon is that I'm sick of hearing people on the Left claiming that the emergency funding measures being undertaken are an admission that "socialism is the answer and always has been." Wrong, wrong, wrong.  And I thought relating that to something tangible like the availability of masks (and the ability to gear up factories in a hurry) might make my point.

However, Bernie hasn't said anything like the specifics above - I was just using him as a handy (albeit pretty accurate) straw man. Which made me feel like the cartoon was sort of petty; Bernie's campaign isn't going anywhere, and the overall tenor of the cartoon has an "us against them-ism" which I'm not comfortable with right now, even though the Left is definitely not in the mood to treat this as a time for unity.

So your thoughts are welcome - was I right or wrong to have reservations about this one?

Extremely Casual Friday

The coronavirus siege continues, and doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon (you can visit this Youtube site for the best and most accurate daily updates we've found). And although we take the matter seriously, we still refuse to take it solemnly - believing that laughter is the best medicine even if, like a ventilator, it needs to be shoved down our throats.

Which is why we're eschewing (gesundheit!) politics here except when absolutely necessary. Rather, we'll continue to post amusements, diversions, witticisms, and hilarious cartoons like this one:

Yikes! That was dark. We're starting to regret bartering with the neighbors and trading our antidepressants for toilet paper.

But on a different note entirely, our publication of a few pages from the "Spensive Gifts" parody catalog reminded us of the Johnson Smith novelty catalogs we enjoyed in our youth. Which prompted an online search and the discovery of goodies like this...

What you see above is a page from the 1938 version of the Johnson Smith catalog, which you can read online right here in its glorious 600-page entirety!

Relive the excitement surrounding the first appearance of the Whoopie Cushion! Thrill to the comic hijinks of a kid using the "Ventrillo" voice-throwing device to make an unsuspecting man say to a policeman "Hey copper, I'm gonna punch you in your big, fat nose!" Delight in unknown wonders like the crank harmonica which uses tiny player piano-style rolls of paper to give you "a jazz band in your pocket"! Marvel that there was once a time in America when kids could order actual "live baby alligators" for $1.50 (or a living 3-footer for just $6.50)! And cringe at a sprinkling of absolutely jaw-dropping items which are now career-ending, code red objects of political incorrectness!

We may well be starting a long rough patch in our country, but it's refreshing and frankly inspiring to see the kind of marvelous foolishness people were still enjoying despite the Great Depression. There's a lesson there for all of us. Albeit a fairly stupid one.