Fatherly Wisdom

It is said that those who forget History are doomed to repeat it. Which is also true of other required classes like English and Biology, even though those subjects don't have snappy catchphrases.

But as we watch the current political power grab and the dismaying loss of moral clarity in the streets, we might do well to look to the lessons which history has to tell us. 

And so, as a special Friday treat, we present this instructive tale translated by Stilton's father. And yes, the film rights are available.

SIDE NOTE: 

This story really was written by my Dad - one of many he wished to compile in a book called "Sinister Tales for Sinister Children." Presumably so kids besides me and my siblings would be able to grow up filled with anxiety and paranoia.

One of these days, I still hope to put that book together. 

Totflix

By now, everyone has heard about the Netflix film "Cuties," which attempts to answer the burning societal question "can an 11-year-old Muslim girl find happiness by turning her back on family, joining a gang of misfit young girls, learning to twerk, and then grinding her pubic region on the floor in front of an audience while pretending to give a handjob?"

And the answer is no - it doesn't make her happy, although it does teach her how to jump higher than she could before when playing jump rope. No, really.

Many people are outraged that the filmmakers had actual 11-year-old actresses doing things that, in the words of prestigious film critic Mrs. J, "make you want to puke." But Netflix (under the guidance of luminaries like Barack and Michelle Obama) is defending the film by pointing out that its real message is that sexualizing pre-teen children for media consumption leads to nothing good for those girls if you don't count them getting into the movie business. Where, if they act quickly, they might catch the attention of Roman Polanski. 

Seriously, the film is a disjointed mess of largely unconnected and nonsensical scenes, interspersed with wildly inappropriate sexual content (at one point, the lead character goes into a frenzied pelvic-grinding, floor-humping trance state from which she can't be awakened...much to the dismay of a visiting imam).

Whether or not this is child pornography is a subject for the courts. But it's unquestionably bad for kids and bad for what little remains of our culture. And we can't wait to hear the highly-paid Obamas say so.

PLANETARY BODY

Researchers have announced that they have recently found possible signs of life on Venus, raising the real possibility that the Democrats are going to have to quickly print up a lot more mail-in ballots for our new neighbors.

The scientists involved have based their speculation on the discovery of phosphine gas in the atmosphere of Venus. A gas which is usually associated only with microbial activity (think "itty bitty farts") or human industrial activity (think much larger farts and unions). 

Should further research prove definitively that there is life on Venus, the next step will involve bringing a sample of the bio-organism back to Earth to study in a high-security site with impeccable containment capabilities and controls. Assuming, of course, that Joe Biden isn't still using it to broadcast from.

Cue Anon

Accusations have been flying that Joe Biden is using a teleprompter when speaking to reporters, and his campaign spokesman isn't saying otherwise - preferring to say "I won't dignify that question with an answer." A phrase which they are no doubt working hard to teach Joe Biden to say during debates - although it remains to be seen if he can get it out correctly when there's no trainer with gumdrop rewards.

But if Biden is possibly having problems speaking for himself, there are plenty of others out there to speak for him. As evidenced by this genuine, unedited snippet from a recent Biden campaign video...

It's worth checking out the actual clip at the link above, because it's deliciously uncomfortable. Kamala Harris laughs hysterically at every syllable uttered aloud and Obama is clearly so bored that he can barely keep his eyes open.

And perhaps to help keep the nation's eyes open, we have this development...

Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of the new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that was on TV Sunday.

We bailed out before actually hearing who the competing teams were because, in the words of Gone With the Wind's Rhett Butler, "they can all go f**k themselves."