Monday, October 15, 2018

Witch Way Did They Go

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, witches, hex, kavanaugh, supreme court
No, that isn't Hillary - though she gets that a lot.
While most things in America seem to be improving under the Tump administration, these are desperately hard times for satirists. How in the world are we supposed to come up with stories more ridiculous than those actually being presented as news?

As an October-appropriate example, the laughingly liberal Huffington Post is reporting that dozens of witches will gather in New York City a few days from now to put a hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The ceremony will include photos and effigies of Kavanaugh as well as graveyard dirt and coffin nails so everyone will know that the hex maniacs are taking this thing seriously.

The harpies see this as a "radical act of resistance," which they are doing entirely for the benefit of the "oppressed, downtrodden and marginalized." So it is merely coincidental that these politically woke witches have sold $10 tickets to as many as a thousand people to attend the ritual, even though their venue, "Catland," will only hold 60.

Not that the witches will keep all the money. They plan to give 25% of the take to an LGBTQ center for homeless youth, which probably isn't a bad thing, and another 25% to the cackling cauldron-stirrers at Planned Parenthood, a group which is more hellish than any coven could ever hope to be.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, witches, hex, kavanaugh, supreme court


JRMD said...

Stilt, You're absolutely right. A story like this is hard to top. :)

Dan said...

An LGBTQ center for homeless youth? Like in the song YMCA?

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Dan: SPCA may be nearer the mark.

@Stilton: Back in the early 70s. after Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, noted satirist Tom Lehrer declared he was hanging up his spurs because "satire was dead".

I'm beginning to get some idea how he felt. FFS!

Gee M said...

plural noun: biers
a movable frame on which a coffin or a corpse is placed before burial or cremation or on which it is carried to the grave.

Also: common usage German word for "Cervsa" or "Brewski"

Brie Camembert said...

A thousand tickets for a 60 seat venue. Hmm... what idea can I come up with to part dumbass liberals from their dollars? Seems like a very easy way to make some real money.
Head over to my crowd funding page: "ImpeachanyoneConservative"
Now where are those vacation brochures!

Rod said...

No worries Stilt. That was a stretcher, but you're still in business.

Fish Out of Water said...

The event will no doubt be covered by the enemedia and air time given.

Sortahwitte said...

Our country is swirling down the toilet, if you believe the whoremedia. I say there's a fool born every 10 seconds and the majority of them lean sharply to the left. They seem to be climbing over each other to paint themselves as ridiculous. I'm going to Lowe's to buy some more paint brushes to donate to the "party" of the dim set. Maybe I'll get a paint sprayer.

Fred Ciampi said...

But but but ... what will the Pope say?!?!?!?!?!????

Geoff King said...

I imagine it is difficult to be a satirist or comedian in today's world. The Tide Pod eating safe space generation has taken the fun out of funny.
We now have The Onion articles that are more credible than those of The New York Times, Chevy Chase stating that Saturday Night Live (where he got his start) now "has the worst f---ing humor in the world",and practically every stand up comic and other performers believing the audience prefers to hear their left wing rants over real content.
Thank God for my collection of comedy movies such as "Airplane", "The Princess Bride", and practically everything by Mel Brooks.
Now I think it is time for me to do a Google Image Search of "Far Side" to re-read the hilarious offerings of that other great satirist Gary Larson.

Rod said...

@Geoff King: Larson's "Far Side" was a real treat. There are many memorable cartoons but one of my all time favorites was the "Donner Party Snow Globe". I suppose to some that's pretty offensive; assuming they know the history.

Fred Ciampi said...

For those who still put up with facebook there is a Far Side page there. Yay.

Fish Out of Water said...

With all the hype and cry over the midterm elections, I wonder why here in the Commonwealth of Virginia, there's seems to be little campaigning, TV ads. From where I sit there are two races of consequence. One the Senate race in which the running mate of the vilest, most corrupt public figure in recent history, wants to keep his seat and does have a Republican challenger. The other is a Republican Congresswoman, more purple than red, who the democrats have had in their sights for at last two elections. This congressional race has seen its share of TV ads, mostly by the Democrats, trying to tie the incumbent to Trump. But there's been very little on the Senate race, both in news and TV ads. Which leads me to wonder if the RNC has written off the Commonwealth as Blue?

Shelly said...

Will the head witch, Hillary, be leading the incantation?

Gee M said...

I was just going over my copy of the ballot, in preparation of my voting today...normally I'd go over the names listed one by one and verify online their "bonafides"; this ballot has visuals, though...Ocasio-Cortez with her Sanpacu eyes making god-awful policy statements; screeching barely human females chanting nonsense and performing "Idiocracy" the movie in the Senate halls and at the gate of SCOTUS...Antifa the annoying attacking the bewildered in Portland traffic...these images are dragged from the Stygian depths along with the Hoary Hosts of Hogarth by the Witches of the DNC, but mostly by my reading the trigger word printed on the sample ballot- "DEMOCRAT".
As I think of the obvious attempt at fomenting a lynching of Justice Kavanaugh and the aforementioned visuals with audio, I can not believe I am alone in avoiding any name described by the descriptor "DEMOCRAT"; I am just gonna check off names across from the simple word "REPUBLICAN" ...hey, Demotards, I got your Blue Wave right here!
It's hard to believe this wasn't done to "throw" the election, being so well done towards that end.

Fred Ciampi said...

So, I am seeing bunches of stuff about the witches (wonder if one of my ex wives will be there?) casting a hex on the good judge and it got me to remembering my history classes wherein I learned about what they did to witches in good old Salem Massachusetts way back in the good old days. I was wondering ... you don't think ... Will The Hildabeast be there? Ahhhh, such happy thoughts. Time for my nap.

John the Econ said...

This is an odd age for satirists, where the Progressive freak show keeps demonstrating its capability to outrun satire in near real time. The headlines of The Onion and Babylon Bee now have a half-life of about half-a-week.

And is there really any hex that America's witches can put on Kavanaugh that is any worse than what the left has already done?

Let the left have their freak shows. Want more Trump? Because this is how you get more Trump.

Speaking of Women being taken seriously:

Warren releases results of DNA test

"Senator Elizabeth Warren has released a DNA test that provides “strong evidence’’ she had a Native American in her family tree dating back 6 to 10 generations, an unprecedented move by one of the top possible contenders for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president"

For years, I've argued that if Elizabeth Warren's claim to a mere 1/32nd Native America ancestry had any legitimacy at all to it, she would have had a DNA test done years ago and the results would have been on the front page of the Boston Globe and New York Times. I guess I was wrong. Her claim still has absolutely no legitimacy, but the results of a supposed test just made the Boston Globe. But it is now clear that she is seriously considering a run in 2020, and in order to get in front of her ancestry fraud she had to do this, even though the results still repudiate her claims.

But what it is good to know now is that all it takes to be a "person of color" in America is a 1-in-1024 parts of non-white DNA in your cells.

Speaking of both reality outrunning satire and women being taken seriously:


"A biological male who identifies as a transgender woman won a women’s world championship cycling event on Sunday. Rachel McKinnon, a professor at the College of Charleston, won the women’s sprint 35-39 age bracket at the 2018 UCI Masters Track Cycling World Championships in Los Angeles."

Just more proof that men can beat women at almost everything. At what point can we declare victory on that "war on women" we used to always hear about?

Colby Muenster said...

Dang it! You gotta stop doing that. I saw the photo, and immediately thought, "Somebody FINALLY sewed Hillary's mouth shut!" Then your first words were, "No, that isn't Hillary" I feel so cheated!

@Fish out of Water,
I assume you are referring to Hillary's little lap dog pit bull, Tim Kaine. I am not a violent person, and have never thought about punching a politician in the snoot. Never, that is, until I watched his lying, smug ass (aka face) in the debates. What a condescending ass!

@John the Econ,
It takes time to fabricate a really genuine looking DNA test (or in Obammy's case, a genuine looking birth certificate). And she apparently doesn't really get it. We don't really care about her lineage. We care that she used it to promote her career and get special treatment. My grandson just started college. His application asked if he was a minority. He said he was tempted to say, "Yes, I was a white kid in a high school that is 80% black kids." Fortunately, he didn't do that, so he actually got accepted to the university.

james daily said...

On Satire, P.J O'Rourke wrote "Foreigners Around the World" that was fairly good but most have never heard of it. On Witch, very little difference in that word and _itch which are probably acronyms anyways. Now Poke a hauntus is wanting President Trump to donate a $M since her DNA test shows she is 99.9999999999 percent white. I suppose the millions he has already donated doesn't count, including over two years salary. Some how I would love to see her donations on her taxes. But, that's democrats, all wanting to be recipients of charity. But the best news is the blue wave is becoming a fart in a whirlwind.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@JRMD- Seriously, what am I supposed to do to this story to make it more ridiculous?!

@Dan- Suddenly I have visions of cops, Indians, and sailors dancing in my head.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Little did Mr. Lehrer know how bad things would get.

@REM1876- Or is she? Read the next comment down...

@Gee M- Thanks for sharing the definition for anyone who might have thought I made a spelling error with "biers." See, biers support coffins, and this witch is sitting on a coffin, so she obviously likes biers, right? Right?!

@Brie Camembert- I agree that this seems like a ripe market for fleecing. Then again, they are sheep...

@Rod- I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

@Fish Out of Water- The hexing event will supposedly be live streamed (which, of course, anyone can do these days). I wouldn't be surprised if it got another publicity bump when it actually happens, as there will probably be some good photo opportunities when the witches and wackos actually show up.

@Sortahwitte- I'd suggest you also get a roller, only they'd think it was for putting weed into joints.

@Fred Ciampi- And that's the key question that an anxious world is waiting to have answered.

Fish Out of Water said...

@Colby Munster: Yep, that is exactly who I meant. Debates?! When? Haven't read or watched much news coverage as the local NoVa TV affiliates, including the Fox News affiliate, have pretty much lost their minds since election day 2016. And the only way a copy of our local version of Pravda (aka WaPo) iwill cross my home's threshold is when I am dead and gone.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

100 tickets to a venue capable of 60? Well, duh! Witches! They can get them all in there.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

(Sorry. Dropped a zero. 1000 tickets...)

Anonymous said...

Didn't the witches get together to hex Trump already?

Rod said...

@ Anonymous: Yes; several times, and some of it may have worked. He may need a countermeasure witch.

Kate said...

In many 'witchy' spiritual practices, especially Wicca, curses and hexes are considered unethical and verboten, so these "witches" are really the lowest of cherry pickers in an already quirky group. I think these ladies just desperately need some Halloween chocolate.

Anonymous said...

I have posted many times and places that it is very easy to collect Warren's DNA legally. Then we can run our own tests and publish them.
So much for her claim of infinitesimal Indian blood.

John Gailtcsa said...

@M. Mitchell Marmel for their next act, they'll be Poisoning Pigeons in the Park :)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Fish Out of Water- I share your opinion of the WaPo. I wouldn't use it to wrap, well, a fish out of water.

@Emmentaler Limburger- Actually, that's 1,000 tickets to a 60-person venue. Granted, after their trials and punishment in Salem, you could fit a LOT of witches in a small space...

@Anonymous- Hillary, Feinstein, Waters...yeah, I guess the witches already have been trying to hex Trump.

@Rod- I like the idea of have a defense witch!

@Kate- Good point! I think I've seen that in Wicca, the bad energy (or spells) you send out will come back to you three times worse. Or did I read that in Ray Bradbury's "Something Wicca This Way Comes?" All kidding aside, the "Dust Witch" in that book still scares the crap out of me.

@Anonymous- Apparently no DNA test can definitively establish the kind of ancestry Warren has claimed because actual Native Americans refuse to give DNA samples for comparison purposes. So even the 1/1024th estimation of Warren's heritage is highly suspect (and, interestingly, lower than the amount of Native American blood in most "European" Americans these days).

@John Gailtcsa- Always nice when someone recalls Tom Lehrer's work!

Geoff King said...

Hmmm. Starting to feel a little self conscious. This is perhaps the third time Stilton has skipped right over my post and continued replying to all those after me.

Dan said...

I read that the 1/1024th Indian is less than the "normal" American white person.
I don't think I have any Indian blood unless one of them caught a ship and got off in Naples prior to 1890. Of course many American communities didn't consider Eyetalians to be white folk until sometime in the mid '50s or early '60s. (My mom considered us amongst the brown people of the middle-swath of the world.)

james daily said...

Buried in the Boston Globe story is this bombshell: “To make up for the dearth of Native American DNA, Bustamante used samples from Mexico, Peru, and Colombia to stand in for Native American.”

Since no American Indian DNA samples were used, the test was fake anyways just like her.

Kate said...

Stilton - couldn't agree more about the Dust Witch!

Gee M said...

I was born in Salem, Mass.
Way I heard it, my folks moved to Texas for my Momma..."health reasons". I was 'bout 9-10 months old, but I have memories of Texas cockaroaches, etc.
Met the main Witch of Salem inna '70s, she may be still around...still looking 20 years old, I assume; I heard that 'bout Witches.
As for Trump, I am sure he has US Military Grade Witches, psychics, and Shamans...we may see the civilian witches burst into flames or grab their heads and scream.
Almost worth the $ far, he's been unaffected by any witchy evil...maybe now they can get Pocahantas to do a medicine dance!

I'd pay $10 NOT to see that!

John the Econ said...

Think that the witches will have any better luck than Stormy?:

Federal judge dismisses Stormy Daniels' defamation lawsuit against Trump

"A federal judge has dismissed adult film star Stormy Daniels' defamation lawsuit against President Donald Trump."

But it gets even better:

"In addition to dismissing the lawsuit, [Judge] Otero ruled Trump is entitled to attorney's fees."

So, not only does Trump win a defamation suit brought by a porn star, but he will be getting money from all of those idiot Progressives who donated to the Stormy Daniels defense fund!


Colby Muenster said...

There are lot's of Cherokee folks here in NC. They are not amused with Lizzie "Standing Joke" Warren.

I'm about as white as they come, and my DNA showed a small percentage of mideastern (Arabic) descent. If the radical Islamists ever invade North Carolina, I'll tell them, "You can't cut MY head off! I'm one of you!"

@John the Econ,
Dollars to donuts, there is a GoFundMe page already set up to save the libs from having to give one crying dime of THEIR money to Trump.

John the Econ said...

Fauxcahontas Liz Warren, now with even 32-times more faux!

She's demanding that Trump pay up on his bet for her to take the blood test. I think he should pay up: $976.56, or 1/1024th of a million dollars.

For the the better part of a decade now, I've argued that both Barack Obama and Liz Warren were walking arguments as to the fraud that "affirmative action" is in both academia and government. Now it's proven that Harvard's first "woman of color" is actually whiter than most of "white" America. This may be the first nail in the coffin of racial identity politics. If Liz Warren can lay claim to being a "person of color", who can't?

Sortahwitte said...

@ James Daly. I love it James. She compares favorably to a South American Pound Puppy. I live in Oklahoma and most of my native friends will never willingly surrender any of their dna. Their almost unanimous retort is: F*ck You and the swaybacked pony you rode in on.

Rod said...

The family notebook I've had for decades is safely stored so well I can't find it right now.
But back in mid-1800's in my father's male lineage was a young and said to be beautiful native American woman who had a lasting & loving marriage with one of the great-great etc. grand fathers. If remembered correctly their offspring suffered several early deaths, and that more elderly couple did good job of fully raising their grand kids. When when I find the notebook we'll do the math to determine Minimum Native Content. Family history can be interesting.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@John the Econ:

"I was born...a poor black child." -Steve Martin

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- Sorry! I don't know how that happened as I'm certainly not deliberately ignoring your posts. In fact, I remember writing a reply to your comment! Sometimes if my replies are getting long, Blogger forces me to break them down into smaller pieces - and it's not impossible that I drew the dividing line at the wrong point. Anyway, know that your posts are valued here!

@Dawn Seicheine- Well that doesn't leave much mystery, does it?

@Dan- Yes, by Elizabeth Warren's standards the majority of white Americans can claim to be "people of color" with Native American heritage. Which is, of course, baloney. And sorry about the anti-Italian discrimination back in the day. What the heck were people thinking?

@James Daily- Exactly. These test results amount to nothing more than a "guesstimate" because there aren't any DNA samples to match with. So for all we know, Warren is actually 1/1024th Incan, Mayan, or Aztec.

@Kate- I just got goose bumps (no, really!) thinking about her. The sewed eyes...the grasping fingers reaching from a silent dark balloon... Brrrrr!

@Gee M- I like the idea of Trump's Supernatural Army, if only for the sheer entertainment value. As for Warren doing a medicine dance, I'd have to drink a LOT of medicine to endure it.

@John the Econ- Your post just gave me for an idea that may or may not run tomorrow. It's rude as hell, but that doesn't always stop me...

@Colby Muenster- My DNA shows that I may have trace amounts (ie, more than Warren) of West Middle East and South Central Asia heritage. Neither of which groups have asked me to contribute anything to a cookbook.

@John the Econ- I love the idea of Trump donating an adjusted check to match the percentage of "Indian" blood Warren is still claiming. I can hear Trump now: "That charity, you know I wrote them a check. Wrote them a nice check. But if Pocahontas had been telling the truth, it would have been for so, so much more. I feel bad for them, I really do. She shouldn't have lied."

@Sortahwitte- Considering the history Native Americans have with cooperating with the government, I'd say they're smart to keep their DNA to themselves.

@Rod- That is interesting! Although imagine your chagrin if you find out your a distant cousin of Warren's!

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'm so old that I remember when that line was hilarious instead of plausible.

Rod said...

@ Stilt: If that (with Warren) is the case AND I outlive her AND Could parley that to a right to speak at her funeral: I could have some real fun with that. But it won't happen.

Pete (Detroit) said...

I *was* born a poor black child, and have docco to prove it.
My original b-cert (hard copy, and no photoshop layers) lists 'race of parent'
And both of them as "Negro" (hint, they're NOT)
Early 60s. In Detroit.
I don't know that the Very Nice letter of apology that arrived w/ the correction (and all copies requested since are 'correct') still exists, but that original still gets used, on occasion...

So, if 1/1024th is enough for Princess Running Joke, maybe Rachael Dolezal really *is* black?

Pete (Detroit) said...

O/T, but it's been grinding on me for a day or two.... We lost ALL 'moral high ground' to criticize any country who takes out a citizen in a foreign country who they deem to be seditious, the very moment O'Bummer droned that a-hole in Yemen.
Not saying EITHER that guy OR the "journo" (MoBroHo plant / agitator) was "justified" or not - just saying WE have done the Very Same Thing.
THANKS, Barqui...

james daily said...

I do wonder how many Johns will it take for Stormy pay the lawyer bill (excluding expenses)? Years ago, we had a brindle boxer named Stormy that was also a bitch. Just as in our Stormy, old age will get her. That one lived to be 14 (78 in dog years). However, picturing her at 78 still grinding away to pay off the long dead President Trump is a picture to behold.

Dan said...

@Stilt - - no apologies needed. You didn't do anything bad to us. Funny, though, how some folk didn't like southern Europeans. One guy down the block even drop kicked my brother across an alley for being a wop playing with other kids (he wound up in court). I did have problems from one of the lay teachers in Catholic elementary school. Ironically she was Irish. But life goes on.