Monday, November 19, 2018

A Poor Excuse for a Post

Wow, that IS a poor excuse for a post!
This is one of those awkward times when our schedule has gotten away from us and we know we're not going to be able to make a "real" blog post, but don't want to just leave everyone with an IOU either. Soooo, we're taking the middle ground: rather than no post, we're giving you a mediocre one. How's that for transparency in journalism?

And we've got no great excuse for our poor time management skills. Oh sure, grocery shopping in the pre-Thanksgiving rush took longer than we thought it would. And offering some tech support for a friend was more time consuming that we expected (note to world: setting up an Amazon "tap" device is a special trip into Hell). And then we had to resolve a brouhaha with Amazon (again!) over their rejection of a tasteful and heartwarming Christmas shirt we designed for sale on their site.

And as long as we're blatantly filling space, here's the shirt...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, kamashirtra, amazon, stocking dead, walking dead, santa

It's available as a t-shirt (we finally convinced Amazon to see things our way), sweatshirt, or hoodie, though we're not making a sales pitch here because we think this stuff is too darn expensive on Amazon. But we make designs anyway because it's fun and we firmly believe in the principle of Ars Gratia Artis (literally, "Artists are grating").

There's plenty of stuff going on in the news, of course, but none of it much captured our fancy. Although we were really tempted to run with the story of the pinheaded California Democrat (but we repeat ourselves - thrice, in fact) who suggested that the way the government could force gun owners to turn in their weapons is to threaten them with nukes. And that, friends, is truly Defcon-One grade stupidity.

In other areas, various Democrats have finally run out of uncounted ballots to pull out of magician's hats (although we've got a pretty good idea that's not what they were really being pulled out of) and have had to admit electoral defeat. A good thing, to be sure, but a pretty frightening reminder that we need to get election fraud under control before 2020. This election cycle was a hot mess, and if we're going to fix any damn thing in this country, that should probably be first.

We'll wrap this up with what's probably the funniest story currently out there: Stormy "Stuff Me Like a Butterball Turkey" Daniels has declared in a Newsweek interview that her involvement with Donald Trump and politics has "completely destroyed her career."

As boinking for bucks seems like an evergreen career choice, we weren't sure what she was referring to. But apparently all the negative publicity has derailed her burgeoning career behind the cameras in porn, where she was blazing a trail as a scriptwriter. Not that it's the world's hardest job...

MAN AT DOOR: Pizza delivery.
WOMAN IN NEGLIGEE: I asked for extra sausage.
MAN AT DOOR: How about...this?!

Stormy was also making professional inroads "picking out the wardrobe" for porn shoots, which again doesn't strike us as highly skilled labor since the wardrobe usually consists of birthday suits, albeit with occasional fashion accessories like a ball gag, butt plug, and strap on.

Which, as long as we're free-associating, would make a good name for Michael Avenatti's next law firm.


She’s A Beauty said...

A good name for Michael Avenatti's next law firm, OR a chapter in Mooch the Tranny’s new tome...

Dan said...

Well, I guess you have to do your real job once in a while. But I do like the free ice cream you provide MWF.

Regarding grocery shopping taking up time, our local WalMart has order-on-line, pickup-at-store (they drag it out to your car and load it up). Lady that did ours last time said they were trying to get a deal with Uber to get them to deliver to the house.

Checking, it looks like several other supermarkets provide that online order/store pickup convenience. Might want to check on your area. (Why doesn't DFW area have HEB?)

j said...

Just want to say, you are AWESOME; your acerbic wit is more than enough to keep us happy, even just a paragraph or two is deeply appreciated. I hope your health is improving. Please do take care of yourself.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

To paraphrase an ancient philosopher, "As long as there's a street corner, Stormy Daniels will have a job."

Rod said...

Today's image makes me wonder what you wood have done if had time. As for Pinhead Nukem; I almost wish he lived in the neighborhood; he would figure it out eventually. Meanwhile I could keep him upset. How about a Tshirt saying: "CISHET your own ass; I'm normal." If he walked a candy-ass dog by the yard I could say: "After cutting grass I'll set up the targets"

Gee M said...

These are the bare facts...

Black, White, Brown, Yellow...
to a Bear, we all taste like chicken.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...'ceptin' Bears;
they just kill you.

Campers, remember this:
you are the soft tacos of the Bear world.

I hope this has helped.

Fred Ciampi said...

One of the things that amaze me (out of many) is that so many of our elected officials do not understand that the United State Military are forbidden to fire upon American Citizens. I would venture that includes nuking as well. In fact if a member of congers (to paraphrase Pogo) tried to order the military to attack a citizen I would lay odds that the good congersperson (again) would find hizself in an uncomfortable position.

And, speaking of elected officials, I think that far too many of them confuse the word lead with rule. I remember 'someone' saying "we're ready to rule now" about ten years ago, but I digress. I would try to list them but I don't have enough paper. When the cow droppings come in contact with the rotating air mover, they will be the first to go. 'Nuff said. Hava a Happy Thanksgiving, one and all.

Geoff King said...

Script writer for pornos? In my experience, porn and football are two things that need absolutely no sound to know what is going on.
Didja see that bright star of the Democratic Party, Occasional Cortex does not even know what the three branches of government are? In fact she does not even know that they are called "branches".
She says that the three "chambers" of government are "the Presidency, the House, and the Senate".
Obviously she is destined for a long career in politics.

A fan and avid follower! said...

You certainly have a way with words Mr Jarlsberg!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Section147- As I've previously opined, and for which I'll probably go to Hell, Michelle's book "Becoming" may be an African-American sex manual.

@Dan- Actually the grocery store I frequent DOES offer online shopping. However, this doesn't appeal to my "hunter - gatherer" genes that like the actual thrill of the hunt, finding unexpected goodies and bargains. And if that sounds lame, all I can tell you is that writers seize any excuse to get out of the house.

@j- Thanks for the kind words. My health is fine-ish, although still weird. I'm no longer doing Rockette routines at night, but the condition - which remains undiagnosed - has transitioned to daytime jerks and twitches, perhaps so that more people can enjoy them. The condition, so far just called the generic "myoclonus," has both a physical and psychological component in that my body no longer reacts to stress normally. Good thing there's so little in the news to cause stress these days, huh? (grin)

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Have a job, or give a job?

@Rod- Today's post requires a tip of the hat to Mark Twain, who once wrote "I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one." That's not as oxymoronic as it seems. It takes more time to really collect and distill your thoughts to make a tight, concise piece of writing. Droning on, even at length, is easier and quicker - albeit less satisfying for all involved.

Regarding the nitwit Dem who posited a "guns vs nukes" confrontation, I agree that his tune might change when he finds out how many gun owners live in his neighborhood. Still, it's like they say - you can't make an omelet without incinerating most of America.

@Gee M- That's beautiful, man.

@Fred Ciampi- My trust in many public institutions is at a low ebb, but that most certainly doesn't include my regard for the military. And you make a DAMN good point about the politicians who no longer understand (or want to understand) the difference between leading and ruling. If Ocasia-Cortez (or whatever the hell her name is) isn't a wannabee tinpot dictator, then the world has never seen one.

@Geoff King- It's laughable to me that anyone could have upward career momentum from writing porn scripts. Has anyone EVER cared about the "plot?" I'm pretty sure that computers could spit out the scripts using all of the cliches which are commonly used.

And I'm still shaking my head over Ocasia-Cortez's methed-up jabbering about the "three chambers of Congress."

@A fan and avid follower!- Thank you! I try to live and write based on the motto of Chuckles the Clown: "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants."

Sam L. said...

That's a GREAT T-shirt!

TrickyRicky said...

I have had the extreme displeasure of seeing Eric Swalwell on television several times, mostly on the Tucker Carlson show. The guy is truly creepy, in a way to which Avenatti can only aspire. His eyes are the window to an absolutely soulless mass murderer. Che Guevara without the beret and beard. I can easily picture him gleefully loading non-compliant gun owners into the rail cars, to be disposed of in a giant ditch with Cat D9s awaiting the orders to fill in afterwards. Seriously, even before this most recent glimpse into his thought process, he struck me as a reincarnation of Stalin. A despot and aspirational ruler to be sure, certainly not a leader.

Regarding porn movies, what is up with the soundtracks, and how did they all end up as modern hold music for most companies?

Doc said...

Our youngest and, hands down, DUMBEST poster girl (chamber maid) for Congressional CRANIORECTAL INVERSION.

TrickyRicky said...

I think I can see Swalwell in the group with the rifles....

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Good description, Ricky; as such, Swalwell would be a perfect candidate for a permanent guest on CNN and/or a one-way plane ticket to Honduras, Guatemala....or even Salvador. I hear that they offer great full-body tattoos.

james daily said...

Stilt: Your wandering prose is really what we need occasionally to stimulate our gray cells to get off the couch and think. Move over Waters, Sheila Jackson lee, your demented mental capacity has been by passed by Swalwell with Ocasio-Cortez coming in second by a nose, so to speak and there may be even more that surpasses this group.

In addition as an outsider, John Kerry is in the running since he basically said if President Trump changed his mind on Paris climate change agreement no one would die although CA might disagree with that.
And speaking of CA and their tragic fires, we hear nothing about what that is doing to the atmosphere although SF has basically un-breathable air. The real tragedy is so many missing and dead because they valued property over life.
Stormy as deteriorated to a sprinkle.

Fred Ciampi said...

What?!?!?!?! Do porn movies really have sound tracks? Asking for a friend, A perverted friend. Thank you.

MAJ Arkay said...

@Fred Ciampi, I don't know where you got that notion, but the US military is NOT NOT NOT "prohibited from firing upon US citizens." We are specifically sworn to uphold and defend the Constitution, against ALL enemies, foreign AND domestic. If the president declares a portion of the nation to be in rebellion, we can most certainly fire as needed.

Now, if a President Whomever gets his panties in a wad over something he simply does not like, and tries to declare, say, Flyover Country, in rebellion, the military is, by law, required to disobey an unlawful order.

I believe you misunderstood the Posse Comitatus Act, which merely states the military cannot be used as a posse for civilian law enforcement. We can back up civilian law enforcement, can assist with intelligence and logistical support, medical, communications and admin support, etc. But until the president declares martial law, we don't do the law enforcement piece.

Current illustration is on the border. Military is backing up ICE and Border Patrol, but not putting the habeas grabbus upon anyone. Now, if one of those "asylum seekers" decides to toss lethal stuff our way, we can shoot back.

John the Econ said...

With all the tasteless crap you can buy on Amazon, they had a problem with that? Perhaps if you had integrated some fecal humor or subtle support of abortion the approval process might have gone smoother.

(Exactly how are you having that done and what's your margin? I've got a T-shirt idea that people want me to do, but I just haven't had the time to do it)

Nuking most Americans: We really do owe Rep. Eric Swalwell a debt of gratitude for his transparency. We've always known that for Progressives, "gun control" has always really meant "gun confiscation" targeted specifically at the law-abiding middle class. But every so often they slip up and plainly admit it. In this case, not only his zeal for confiscation, but his contempt for the hundreds-of-millions of Americans who still give a damn about the Constitution and their civil rights. For that, Rep. Eric Swalwell should be awarded the Accidentally Honest Politician of the Week award.

Ballots, Ballots everywhere: Funny that. Anyone else notice that boxes of "missing ballots" only seem to show up when and where Democrats are behind in a close race, and then the found ballots only seem to be cast for Democrats?

This is the big reason (or excuse) by many to advocate for fully electronic elections managed by the federal government. Election fraud would be so much easier for the Democrats if it only required a few keystrokes to execute instead of all of these transparently fraudulent theatrics. It's way too much work for Democrats to have to manage this fraud in hundreds of jurisdictions as they do now.

Stormy's Career: It was my understanding that the only thing that could permanently destroy a porn star's career was time. Either way, it's pretty laughable that a porn star can complain about having her career destroyed by any other means, any more than one can complain about having their reputation destroyed. (How many people had even heard of this woman before her supposed dalliance with Trump?)

But I think the bigger embarrassment here should be with the Oxford Union Debating Society which gave her a forum to say such silly things:

The political “shitshow" of the last ten months left her with no capacity to write movies—her favorite part of working in porn—she said during an event entitled "Sex, Guns and Other Fluff: How Porn Can Set You Free."

Where there's some irony deficiency for ya. It's such a shame that being a slut who banged a billionaire has had such a detrimental effect on the ability to write stories about sluts who bang billionaires. Of course, she could have abided by her confidentiality agreement and none of this "shitshow" would never have happened, but that was her choice too.

So has porn really set her free? Or is she now a slave? I'm ready to debate anyone that guns have made more people free than porn ever has.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sam L- Thanks! Since it's a "print on demand" product, Amazon charges a lot for it. And it's not even an attempt to make money on my part, but rather just to do something silly because...well...that's sort of what I do.

@TrickyRicky- I like Tucker's show, but GEEZ he has on annoying guests. And I suppose it's important to give them enough exposure for people to see how crazy and potentially dangerous they are, but it's still not good for my blood pressure.

Regarding porn soundtracks, I might actually enjoy being on hold more if they included the moans and groans along with the crappy production music.

@Dr. Roger Harris- She's really the perfect example of the Young & Dumb social media activist. She's essentially a "political porn" star, giving the fans what they want.

@TrickyRicky- Exactly.

@Alfonso Bedoya- It DOES seem that we have an increasing number of Dem politicians who seem like they'd be more at home in South America.

@James Daily- Glad that the wandering prose was acceptable. I didn't consider this a post so much as a chatty letter to friends.

Regarding the fire victims, I think a lot of them didn't make a choice to stay with their properties, but were rather overcome by the swiftness of the flames. Some areas were engulfed with no prior warning at all. It's a horrible situation. And your mention of the air quality reminds me of a gaffe Al Gore made as VP, when there were bad fires in Florida that killed people and he showed up at a memorial service to bemoan the air pollution created. Nice focus, Al.

@Fred Ciampi- Porn movies DO have soundtracks, but my Mom said that if you listen too much your ears will go blind.

@MAJ Arkay- Interesting perspective on the military firing on US citizens. You make a compelling argument...and I pray we never see this really become a major issue.

@John the Econ- Amazon had a problem with the shirt's description because I mentioned that it would be good for fans of the "Walking Dead" show (adding the proper trademark symbol and a legal disclaimer that I was unrelated to the show, and this was a parody product). They still wouldn't allow it, but gave it the okay when I took out that reference.

Regarding how you do the T-shirt thing, it's a program called "Merch by Amazon." You basically write them and say you want to be a merchant, and then they wave their magic wand and say "okay" and give you access to the process. You can set your own prices within limits, but Amazon makes most of the money. I think on a $15 t-shirt I get about $1.50. Maybe $4 for a $36 sweatshirt (and why would anyone pay that for a sweatshirt?!). The process is, however, dead easy - which is why I screw around with it.

Regarding Swalwell, I like the idea of an "Accidentally Honest Politician of the Week" award.

Regarding voting, I'd like to see us go LOWER tech to help fight fraud. Photo ID's, damnit, and indelible/fluorescent purple ink to dip our fingers in.

Regarding Stormy Daniels, porn has never set anyone free. The performers tend to have rotten lives, and the users (who are ubiquitous now) are actually becoming sexually crippled based on their overexposure to wild ass (literally) activities. As a result of this overstimulation, many adults now can't get stimulated by non-porn sexual activity. Thanks a lot, Stormy.

John the Econ said...

I'm already an Amazon "seller". I'll have to look into that. Not looking to make a ton of money from it, but I have a lot of friends who'd be more than willing to pay $15 to wear a bit of my humor. I don't expect any trademark issues.

Voting: Paper ballots only, and handled by each jurisdiction as it is now. The founders knew what they were doing.

Porn: I agree. Within my adult lifetime, it's gone from something that someone had to actively seek out to something that is now literally unavoidable. I think many of our current social ills (including mass shootings) can be connected to the mainstreaming of and easy access to porn. I think it has fueled the divide of the sexes. It's destroyed countless marriages, and has effectively prevented countless more. It's a far greater threat to a civil social order than private ownership of guns ever could be.

That said, I don't know what can be done about it. We're a nation built upon the notion of "free expression". Back in the '80s, I remember shaking my head when the left took the position that political speech had to be contained (via "campaign finance" regulation, remember that?) but at the time, they considered Larry Flynt a 1st Amendment hero. The right largely gave up their fight against porn at that point. I didn't blame them.

Shelly said...

Oh Stormy, I think your grievances are misplaced against Trump. The real villain in your life is the Creepy Porn Lawyer. You had a pretty good pay day, $130,000 just to keep your mouth shut but then got seduced by CPL who lured you into bigger money and fame. Of course, he was only using you to advance his own career as evidenced by his ubiquitous appearances on the Chicken Noodle Network and MSLSD. And now you are having to pay Trump's attorney fees. Next time, heed the warning. When you sleep with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Mr. Stilton, sir. I disagree, this was an extra fancy BRICK post. Thank you for the laughs.

SpectreRider said...

re Swalwell,
Is it too much to ask that when pols break their oath to defend the constitution that they be removed from office.

Doc said...

"Yea, verily, there is much to inspire gratitude on this holiday centered on a gallinaceous bird with alarmingly hypertrophied breasts."
Glen Martin



Anonymous said...

Every little bit helps.


Anonymous said...

@B. Martin
Removed from the ranks of the living? Maybe?


mindful webworker said...

"MAN AT DOOR: How about...this?!"

That right there is probably 100x better than anything that would ever flow out of Sloppy Daniels's keyboard.

Pete (Detroit) said...

Saw a sign outside a place the other day, One side - "We should be thankful for out blessings EVERY day"
The other - "Gobble 'till ya Wobble!"

And, speaking of people who 'should' be more grateful...

Jason Anyone said...

Better late than never. A limerick for dim Eric.

Unknown said...

Ha! - I posted this on facebook yesterday:

I saw a post about Stormy Daniels being mad at Trump. She apparently still doesn't realize that it was the creepy porn lawyer Michael Avenatti who pimped her out to the "mainstream" media/Democrat complex, which played her for maximum clickbait and then cast her aside like what's-her-name Ford, leaving her in the position of having to pay Trump's legal bills while he goes merrily on his bankrupt, fraudulent way...well, maybe not so merrily these days.

Have a good Thanksgiving!

John the Econ said...

@Shelly & @Unknown: Good point. Creepy Porn Lawyer is just a less-successful male counterpart to supposed feminist hero, Gloria Allred. Their business model and MO is to seek out, create and then promote high profile victims. These cases are usually complete garbage and will never see the inside of an actual courtroom, but they do get lots of sensational media attention. The real objecting is making the phones ring at their law firms to fish for the real clients with actionable cases who will ultimately pay the bills. As for their high-profile victims, they are dumped the minute they are no longer useful to that end. Seems that Stormy has not quite figured that part out yet. Not only was she used then dumped, she even got stiffed with a bill for her trouble.

This business model has worked fabulously well for Allred, with a net worth well into 8-figures. Considering that Creepy Porn Lawyer has been skipping out on his bills that appear to be nearly that much suggests that the model has not been working as well for him. Or perhaps it's just his spending habits.

Either way, it is interesting to note that the Democrats use the very same MO to forward their agenda; identifying and glorifying narrative-compliant victims to justify a cause, and then dumping them the second their are no longer politically useful, or otherwise turn into embarrassments.

Rod said...

This has been one of those days when I WAS going to go to pool & wet test all scuba gear before an upcoming dive trip; but instead felt more like clearing up several issues with government, insurance companies, doctors claims and IRS rules. I'll go to pool tomorrow.

Maybe a change of topic but I gotta' vent (& drink). What I took away is IF one can eventually navigate their stupid systems, automated call centers, etc. & talk to a real person, usually they can help us immediately. If they can't do that then you got a dud & may as well start over. Typical Example was RRRB (Railroad Retirement Board) for my father, a govt agency that steps in for Social Security. 40 minutes on the phone trying to get to a person but then problem was fixed problem in 2 minutes.

It's not the little guys & workers; it's the blowhard, career, unconnected to real world and not so f---ing smart Jefe's who are responsible for their defective organizations and endless loop phone systems. That's what need to be swept; and there is not a liberal arts person nor Democrat in the nation that knows how; or would do it if they did know how.