Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Area Fifty Fun

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, strippers, area 51, ufo, aliens, exotic dancers

Although we've been treating the story as a joke, no one is laughing now that the stakes have been raised dramatically in the upcoming attempt to storm Area 51 and, perhaps, "see them aliens."

We refer, of course, to the news that Nevada's largest adult entertainment operation is sending a contingent of strippers to help breach the defenses of the top secret military site. Granted, we're not exactly sure how that's supposed to work, but we suspect that some of the brave young women will attempt to distract the guards, while others use their well-honed pole skills to vault over the barbed wire fences.

The exotic dancers will be arriving at the staging area in The Strippermobile, which frankly sounds like the most awesome superhero vehicle ever. Although we don't even want to think about what might happen if it got too close to the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

The US Air Force, which is taking the possibility of a mass assault very seriously, has plans in place to repel potential intruders. Still, allowing for the slim possibility that civilians - including the curvaceous corps of adult entertainers - may indeed penetrate the top secret area, contingency plans are being made to provide the aliens with Earth dollar bills.


A Japanese scientist has been given the go-ahead to breed a rat-human hybrid, apparently unaware that the United States accomplished this decades ago.

Francis "Rato" O'Rourke, a hyperkinetic race-baiting hatemonger, was conceived via gene splicing between a common rat, and what we assume was a common (perhaps very common if not outright whorish) Irish woman. At birth, this unappealing chimera was determined to be principally a rat and, by virtue of the fact that his "parents" weren't married, was technically labeled a rat bastard.

Unable to find social acceptance or gainful employment owing to his disturbing appearance, freakishly large incisors, and an unpredictable tendency to poop oversized raisinets, Rato O'Rourke has earned a meager salary as an experimental lab rat.

Notably, he has been engaged in a study funded by Starbucks to discover what constitutes a lethal dose of caffeine. So far, he's only become extremely jittery, but we have hope that the research will eventually have a successful conclusion.


igor said...

So far, he's only become extremely jittery, but we have hope that the research will eventually have a successful conclusion.

I understand that Starbucks wants their money refunded...

FlyBoy said...

Is Stormy Daniels going to be among the contingent of strippers? How about getting Creepy Porn Lawyer to lead them all into battle with the Air Force security police?

JRMD said...

In the mid 1960's I spent about a year and a half stationed in the 'wonderful' Nevada desert and saw many aliens in the vicinity of Area 51. From the border crossings we have today, I'm sure there are many thousands more there now.. :) :)

Geoff King said...

I think the Air Force should just open the gates and allow the loonies to have a guided tour of the base, and make that an annual event. However, as on any military installation, certain areas would be deemed off limits such as armories, hangars with top secret experimental aircraft, and of course the flying saucer from Roswell.

Geoff King said...

Just for fun, they could order all personnel to dress up as Vulcans, Alf, or black haired Thermites from Galaxy Quest.

Geoff King said...

The guards stationed in front of secure areas naturally should be dressed as Imperial Stormtroopers, and Chewbacca could be the tour guide.

Fish Out of Water said...

Is Busty or Lefty available for comment?

Fish Out of Water said...

PS: The media-abetted hoopla around this reminds me of the - how many years ago was it?- frenzy over the "prediction" on a certain date, mos of the State of Assorted Nuts would drop into the sea.

There's a sucker born every minute.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

And here I was thinking about another rat giving otherwise peaceful and law-abiding rodents a bad name...

Chris in Michigan said...

I seem to recall an attempt by some research lab to get rats to mate with lawyers, but there were some things that even a rat wouldn't do.

Fred Ciampi said...

This is a wonderful opportunity to test some of the new weapons such as Laser and sound weapons. Or, let them all in, herd them into a large unused hanger and shut the door. Problem solved.

B.C. said...

The USAF should use aerosolized SFE* to repel any attempts to breach the perimeter of the base and stream the resulting hilarity via PPV. They'd be able to fund any project they wanted, in perpetuity, from the funds generated.

*Synthetic Fermented Egg

PS: If you've never smelled the stuff, buy some and take a YUUUGE sniff of it as soon as you open the bottle. Just be sure to have your friend recording the results. :-)

TrickyRicky said...

@Fred Ciampi- Yes indeed, a perfect time and place to test the latest in sonic crowd dispersal technology. More popcorn please!

Blick said...

Leftists storming Area 51 is a perfect opportunity to test the alien ray-gun technology on crowds. Besides, if xhey are vaporized, were xhey really there?

Sortahwitte said...

On a morning when I was so hopelessly bewildered and bereft of humor, my good friend Stilt and the numerous "aid and agitators" have delivered me. Thank you all for numerous belly laughs and snorts. My wife came in to take pictures of me swallowing my tongue.
She was disappointed to only see me laughing, but you have to roll the dice. Thank you all.

Seriously, I wouldn't want to see any "strippers" get hurt, but for the rest of 'em, start warming up the death ray. Yes indeed, TR, more popcorn.

Alej said...

I doubt the average rat is as handy in public with the "f"-word as O'Rourke is.

Jack Wiegman said...

Delightful as always!
Don't ever die, Stilt. If you do, I shall be forced to come and give you SUCH a talking-to.

Anonymous said...

To hell with Area 51, I wanna watch the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and the Strippermobile cozy up in a parking lot, and take bets on how much bigger the Weinermobile will get before it spurts radiator fluid all over the place and the tires go flat!

rickn8or said...

"The guards stationed in front of secure areas naturally should be dressed as Imperial Stormtroopers"

Which would tend to draw the invaders in range, as the perception of Imperial Stormtroopers not being able to hit anything would override the invader's good sense.

Um, I'm not sure how I got "invaders" and "good sense" in the same sentence, but I can't think of any alternatives.

Anonymous said...

Off topic, but in the last three emails the link to your site has turned up "404 Not Found". Don't know if the problem is on your end or mine.

Geoff King said...

@ rickn8or: Another problem I had with the Stormtroopers, besides their inability to hit the broad side of a barn, is what was the point of their wearing that full body armor when one shot from a blaster would take them right out with no problem?

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Uh. Please keep Area 51 closed. There are enough strange beings wandering freely about our country as it is.

Unknown said...

Some things that could and maybe should actually happen with this trespassing plan at Area 51:
- Video documentary or mockumentary titled "Strippers at the gates" should be a thing.
- Finally the saying "Set Hooters on Stun" will be a thing.
- Aliens "making it rain on" dollar bills on strippers will be a great meme.

Unknown said...

#HonkHonk Beto!

What a clown.

Other nick names for this fine example of humanity:
- "Rat Master O'Rourke"
- "Master-Baiter O'Rourke"

John25mm said...

Part of me says they should use large quantities of CN-DN riot control spray/smoke. Cn is related to CS in that it causes ALL of the mucus membranes to go into overdrive and you will have nasal discharge(snot) running from your nose to the ground however far apart they are. DN is a fun agent that causes you to have as the late great George Carlin said "Involuntary personal protein spills." So to paraphrase the ad for a cold medicine "It is the coughing, sneezing so you can vomit while possibly having explosive diahhrea smoke." That should be good for a fair amount of PPV however in am sure that the Sierra Club will be there in short order for causing that much damage to the desert ecology.

Yes I have a warped sense of humor but given the nonsense these twits are proposing it is what keeps me relatively sane.

Anonymous said...

Air Police should definitely be in full Klingon costume.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure whatchu been smokin', Stilton, but pass it over to me.

Old Cannonballs said...

They should have Hollywood build a yuuuge space-alien base in a hangar in Area 51, with lots of bizarre and exotic-looking creatures, sort of reminiscent of that bar scene in one of the early Star Wars movies. It should be located near where the mob is forming at the gates, and the guards should accidentally on purpose allow them to get in and find the hangar... and then have a zillion troops spring up from nowhere, surround the strippers et al, take them into custody, and tell them that if they ever talk they'll have to be killed. Should be good for laughs.

Colby Muenster said...

Yup, when I think of the best ways to take over a top secret and highly fortified US gubmint military installation, the first things that pop into my mind are snowflakes in mom jeans and strippers! Goldfinger had it all wrong when he invaded Fort Knox, using helicopters, tanks, nukes and other stupid weak stuff.

But, You never know. Maybe these so called "strippers" are really Fembots with machine guns in their jooblies?

The maroons planning this fiasco probably think, "They can't shoot us; we're innocent American citizens." As you so eloquently point out, the military probably has all sorts of ways to incapacitate these morons without ever firing a shot. I've not been to a Hollyweird movie in years, but would pay BIG bucks to watch this unfold, if it actually ever happens. I predict a yuuuge wave of chickening out at the last minute, especially if the Air Force utilizes even a small amount of the things you mention.

Beto... calling him a self serving scumbag is an insult to actual self serving scumbags everywhere. Ya think he's getting desperate for attention?

Unknown said...

Some of them are running for the democratic nomination for POTUS. Badabing!

james daily said...

The raid would be a perfect time to test non lethal weapons such as a brain frequency machine that sends out sound waves as the same frequency of the brain causing brain malfunction. Oh, never mine, it these nitwits had a brain they would do something productive.
Strippers? What will be next. They should send strippers to Iran and Iraq where they would do some good plus make a boo-koo of Dinar. Instead of a G-string, they would have to wear a bushel basket.
Whatever happens to that Faux Mexican would be an improvement.

Dave in WI said...

I have a friend who was exploring the area near 51. He wandered too close and the black helicopter appeared, as did two guys in a vehicle. After checking his ID and answering a hundred questions, they told him which direction to walk, and warned him that next time he might be shot for getting close. Usually I would suspect a story like this, but this guy doesn’t know how to lie.

John the Econ said...

Actually, I believe that we're on the cusp of an amazingly useful social experiment. Last I heard, over half-a-million people "pledged" on social media to be there to storm Area 51. Out of that half-million, perhaps hundreds may actually show up. Out of the hundreds who actually show up, only a small fraction will actually follow through and storm the facility and find out what it's like to be probed, albeit not by aliens.

The point is that in the age of social media where one can live a virtual existence in near-anonymity and virtue signal at absolutely no personal cost, "pledges" are almost totally meaningless. It would be very useful to get hard numbers on that. It would make candidates like Hillary Clinton look far less "inevitable".

I've seen the inside of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. I'm not sure what means out of context.

Rat-Human Hybrids: It's been my understanding as well that these already exist, and are currently overrunning the streets of Baltimore, San Francisco, LA, New York and Seattle. A more useful scientific endevour would be finding a way to turn these hybrids back into functional human beings again. The free campgrounds and needle exchange approach isn't working.

John the Econ said...

Alinsky #4 is a Bitch: @M. Mitchell Marmel brought up the Joaquin Castro stunt of publishing the names of Trump donors. Since campaign donations are a matter of public record, anyone who donates to a campaign should be aware that anyone with any modicum of effort can find this out for themselves. However, I have a more sinister idea:

In 12 months or so when the election is really ramped up, I'm going to cruise my neighborhood with digital cameras aimed laterally and recording as I go. Think of it as a poor-man's Google Street View vehicle. Then I'll leak to local media that all the addresses with signs for Democratic candidates are being forwarded to whoever the left-wing conservative boogieman is at the moment. Then I'll watch the chaos ensue. A week later, I'll troll the same routes to see who the chickens were.

When people get upset, I'll just point out that this is no different than what Joaquin Castro did.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@igor- Rato won't return the money. He's already shredded it to make his nest.

@FlyBoy- Who knows more about storming the enemy than Stormy Daniels? And it would be interesting to see if disintegrators work on Creepy Porn Lawyer.

@JRMD- This "alien" talk gets confusing. Maybe we should call them undocumented intergalactic immigrants?

@Geoff King- Rather than just open the gates, they should charge $25 to each person entering. Make a little dough for the military while also thinning out the crowds.

And regarding the cosplay costumes, I'm sure we'll be seeing such.

@Fish Out of Water- Both had other engagements at press time, but will be available as needed in the future.

And hey, just because California didn't fall into the sea is no reason we should give up hope.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- It would be wrong of me to say that Joaquin Castro should be horsewhipped, tarred and feathered. So I definitely won't say that.

@Chris in Michigan- I think the rats made the right call on that.

@Fred Ciampi- I've seen some tests of fun crowd dispersal technologies which could come into play here. One of my favorites: a projected microwave beam that makes people feel like their skin is on fire. Although such a weapon should never, ever be used unless it's being videoed for Youtube.

B.C.- I've never heard of SFE before and now I need to find out about it. It

@TrickyRicky- By "sonic crowd dispersal" do you mean something that makes a sound like "BRRRRRT"? (Kidding! I'm kidding!)

@Blick- Just so long as their gaseous remains aren't hazardous to the ice caps and polar bears.

@Sortahwitte- Glad you enjoyed today's entry, which was very specifically intended to give us all a little lighthearted breathing space during a particularly ugly news cycle. I wasn't in the mood to share a meltdown (no matter how much I felt like it), so decided "let's go for some cheap laughs."

@Alej- That's because rats have more class.

@Jack Wiegman- Well, I'm trying to avoid that whole "being dead" thing as long as possible. Even more so now, I guess, since you'd get mad at me.

@Anonymous- And seriously, who are we to judge the intimate relations of giant vehicles?

@rickn8or- It IS sort of hard to take Imperial Stormtroopers seriously. Although that might change pretty quickly at the point they're using real blasters.

@pkdphd- I haven't heard of the 404 problem from anyone else, so it's probably on your end. You might want to (carefully) clean out your browser's cache and see if that helps. Good luck!

Old Cannonballs said...

Maybe the Dims will hire a special prosecutor to investigate possible collusion between Donald Trump and Zeta Reticulan Grays. They could look for evidence that he used their advanced technology to flip the election.

Sortahwitte said...

With Stilt as our swami on the mountain and all the hilarious commenters, it has been a great day. I love you all! .......Wait. Not in THAT way.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Geoff King- Granted, it's not good body armor. And despite all the angles, that armor doesn't really give the troopers a "Stealth" profile.

@Emmentaler Limburger- I'm not sure some of the things we see on the streets now AREN'T from Area 51.

@Unknown- I desperately want all of those things to happen.

@Unknown- I think it's probably clear that, despite my jocular treatment of Beto today, I think he's a dangerous asshole.

@John25mm- I may not know much about chemical irritants, but I know good theater when I see it!

@Anonymous- But that's true every day, right?

@Anonymous- You want my ham?!

@Old Cannonballs- Now THAT'S a plan!

@Colby Muenster- Frankly, I think strippers enhance any public event. And I think the military surely DOES have tools that can make any protesters change their minds pretty quickly.

@Unknown- They should run faster, and on more dangerous surfaces.

@james daily- You've put your finger on the problem with using brain disruptive weapons. Perhaps we should concentrate on simpler methodologies like, oh, steamrollers.

@Dave in WI- I've heard similar stories and I believe them. Whatever is going on out there, it's not a game.

@John the Econ- I'm sure your assessment of the actual "storming the barricades" moment is accurate. Although I'm betting all of this is probably leading to a pretty good party in Nevada.

Regarding the rat-humans, I agree that being able to turn them into full humans would be a good idea. Failing that, we should be putting out bigger sticky traps.

And I love your idea of "street doxxing" Dems, then seeing how they like it. But in all seriousness, what the hell was Joaquin Castro trying to do if NOT cause harm - physical, financial, or social - to people who donated to a candidate Mr. Castro doesn't like? He doesn't seem to be willing or able to answer that question.

@Old Cannonballs- Don't say that too loud, or the Left will really do it.

@Sortahwitte- "Swami, how I love ya, how I love ya..." Oops, sorry. I was temporarily possessed by Al Jolson.

Rod said...

No matter their route into the area, Security should have no trouble tracking the strippers. Just follow the trail of $1 bills.

This could be more funny and weird than the old flick "Earth Girls Are Easy"

John the Econ said...

Failing that, we should be putting out bigger sticky traps.

Thanks for the best belly-laugh of the day. Not a bad idea.

And I love your idea of "street doxxing" Dems, then seeing how they like it.

Thanks! My idea now has a name!

As for what Joaquin Castro was thinking: As usual, I don't think he really was. Or if he was, it was with the usual expectation that Democrats are always held to the different (or non-existent) standard than conservatives are. Come next year, I'd like to see somebody expose his supporters as the fascists they really are. Of course, he will consider that most unfair.

Dan said...

If they're going to look for space aliens in Area 51, remind them that the Roswell guys were transported to Carswell in Texas, and then to Wright-Patterson in Dayton, Ohio.

Also, the knuckleheads who want to swarm Area 51 need to remember that it's in a desert. Bring lots of water and sunscreen and wear a floppy hat. Also be sure to have some bail money available.

I wonder how the cell phone coverage is on the outskirts of the Groom Lake facility. May be hard to call mom & dad for help. Also wonder if Uber goes out that far, the availability of Starbucks and avocado toast.

Lee The Voice said...

Live the Rat - Human hybrid story. Brilliant.

Colby Muenster said...

@Stilton said,
"Rather than just open the gates, they should charge $25 to each person entering. Make a little dough for the military while also thinning out the crowds.

That made this pop into my head:
"Somebody go back and get a shitload of dimes!" Why do I think that the Blazing Saddles toll gate trick would absolutely stop the moonbats in their tracks? And the Air Force has plenty of time to build a fake Area 51 a mile or two from the real one.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Rod- I've never seen "Earth Girls Are Easy" but might check it out. I know Jeff Goldblum is one of the aliens, and he's always fun to watch. Then again, he may BE an alien.

@John the Econ- There is no reason for Joaquin Castro to post those names and addresses, and places of business unless he wanted them confronted face-to-face by people who hate Trump. There can be no excuse for that, and it's pitiful hearing Castro claiming that he intended no harm and, really, didn't intend anything. Finally resorting to "it's not even my graphic, just something I shared." The 21st century equivalent of "I was only following orders."

@Dan- You raise a lot of serious challenges that may be facing the intrepid horde at Area 51. And I'm guessing that there isn't good cellphone coverage at Groom Lake, and that ALL coverage can probably be switched off from the base.

@Lee the Voice- I just felt like venting. Beto really honks me off.

@Colby Muenster- I'm guessing that it would be easier and cheaper to simply lay mines than build a fake Area 51. Although for the sake of the strippers, I hope that doesn't happen.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I hate to see the name "Beto" used to refer to soy boy Robert Francis O'Rourke, the Irish Mexican guy. His fake Mexican name is "Beta".