An Act of Wampum Destruction

According to a Washington think tank (and yes, we find that oxymoron hilarious), if Joe Biden is elected as our next president, Elizabeth "Many-HaHa" Warren will be his likely choice for Treasury Secretary with primary responsibility for financial and economic policy. Leaving Joe to concentrate on giving the country a sense of direction by growing moss on his north side.

Such an assignment would be popular with young voters who would have liked Warren to be the VP candidate owing to her solid dedication to socialism, mathemagic taxation plans and, most importantly, the chance that Kate McKinnon would again play her on Saturday Night Live.

But that's not going to happen since Joe has already announced that his VP candidate must be a "woman of color" who is fully qualified and ready, at a moment's notice, to take over the job of stroking Biden's blonde leg hairs when he's sitting poolside.

At the moment, the leading contender for the position is Kamala "I'm not saying Joe is a racist, but he's a racist" Harris who, we're assured by former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown, has plenty of stroking experience.

But just how much damage could Warren do as Treasury Secretary? Plenty - as we pointed out last September:

Warren would introduce a concept she calls "accountable capitalism," which the Wall Street Journal succinctly summarizes as a plan which is "an assault on retiree wealth" which would "destroy savings built over a lifetime and sink the economy."

Think they're exaggerating? Warren wants every business in America worth $1 billion or more to be compelled to become a "federal corporation" in which 2/5 of the directors must be elected by the workers. And rather than primarily serving stockholders, these "federal" corporations would be ordered to serve "the workforce, the community, customers, the local and global environment, and contribute to the betterment of community and societal factors."

In other words, every large company in America will go belly up, taking retirement investments with them.

And there's plenty more where that came from, like Warren's multi-trillion dollar plan for "Medicare For All" which can be fully funded by taxing millionaires and billionaires "pennies" on their fortunes. All of which would, by law, have to be converted into pennies.

It's all a reminder that even if elected, Joe Biden will never be president. This vacuous, grinning shell of a man will merely be a trademark character used for branding purposes, like Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima, while the real decisions and presidential policies will be handled by a cabal of the most extreme radicals the Left has to offer. 

FROM THE VAULT...

Cape Diem

Sometimes there's a man...we won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And with apologies to the Coen Brothers and "The Big Lebowski," at this time and place, it's Pessimism Man.

Granted, like all superheroes, he just does his thing and quickly departs - for which we can all be grateful. But he paid us a visit earlier today, which sort of derailed our train of thought for anything very useful.

See, the news was already just godawful no matter what direction you look in, but at least we felt fairly secure here at home. Then, over our morning coffee, we noticed that our quiet little residential street was teeming with speeding traffic. But why? It turns out that they were all detouring from our nearest major intersection, which had been closed off after an "incident."

Specifically, there was a car crash (which didn't look too major), and a helpful police officer arrived on the scene and went to check on the occupants of the cars. The driver of the first car jumped out and stabbed him. The officer fell back, and the driver then rushed to the other car and started stabbing its driver. Lacking a Rapid Response Social Worker on scene, the officer shot the offender - who died at the scene.

We don't know the race of any of the people involved, and it wouldn't make any difference to us anyway (though it might to mobs). It was a horrible event, and the police officer acted appropriately to save a life.

With this gloomy cloud hovering our head (and an unending parade of cars roaring past our home), we at least tried to come up with a topical cartoon or two, but couldn't conjure anything which wouldn't get our house burned down.

An especially dangerous proposition when you've stockpiled as many flammable bottles of Clan MacAccelerant as we have.

Statuary Rape 2020

On Monday evening, we watched the sad spectacle of radical human cockroaches swarming a statue of Andrew Jackson and attempting to topple it, just across the street from the White House. Police were eventually able to save the statue and push back the anarchists, but not before the monument had been damaged and vandalized.

There are two kinds of madness at work: that of the mob which wants to destroy anything and everything related to "history," and the madness of politicians who are doing nothing to restore law and order. Indeed, many of them are encouraging the chaos and destruction.

Remember a long time ago (or so it seems now) when all of this was allegedly about George Floyd and racial equality? Well that narrative, along with the principles Martin Luther King Jr fought and died for, has gone into the crapper.

What we're seeing is a radical push for anarchy and Marxism. What we're hearing is that only Black Lives Matter, except for the Black Lives lost to black-on-black crime and gunplay. In Chicago this past weekend, a black 3-year old boy was shot and killed. If his life mattered to the mobs, they would declare that Chicago can't continue to be a slaughterhouse for the innocent.

But they're too busy screaming "F*ck the police" to offer up actual support for black children in a war zone. And too busy toppling inanimate objects to confront actual killers, or challenge the political party which has really been guilty of systemic racism since its inception.

FROM THE VAULT...

A Tall Hat to Fill

In honor of Father's Day (when I'm writing this), I'd like to share several cartoons that my Dad drew many years ago. He constantly doodled cartoons just for the pleasure of it - any scrap of blank paper became his playground.

One character he returned to frequently was The Man in the Tall Hat. Why the man had a tall hat, or even who he was, never really came up. And why should it? A little absurdity does a body good.

The cartoons weren't laugh-out-loud funny, but instead were flights of gentle whimsy. A peek into my father's psyche, and his conception of the world as it should be rather than how it is.

Happy Father's Day, Pa - You are missed by many and you still make us smile.  -Stilton

BONUS: CHICK, PLEASE...

At a recent roundtable discussion of race, Chick-fil-A's CEO, Dan Cathy, showed that he believes actions are stronger than words. Unfortunately, the words in question were Cathy's declaration that to atone for racism, white people should literally start polishing the shoes of black people wherever they find them. Which won't be socially awkward at all, right?

To show he means business, Cathy then whipped out a shoeshine brush that he keeps in his pocket (this is called "eccentricity" when you're wealthy) and stooped to polish the sneakers of rapper Lecrae Moore - a black man who has been so oppressed by centuries of systemic racism that he currently has a net worth of only $3 million.

Humility is fine, but obsequious virtue-signaling is the opposite of humility. Moreover, Cathy's suggestion strikes us as a good way to get killed. Don't believe us? Pounce on the feet of the next black person you see, and hock up a loogie on their shoes. The odds that you'll finish giving a spit-shine are considerably lower than the likelihood you'll soon find yourself waddling to a hospital for an emergency shoebrush extraction.

Brand of Bothers

Cultural change is in the air. Or maybe it's just the lingering smoke from burned businesses - they smell pretty much the same.

In either case, corporate America is bending over backwards to show that it's woke and not racist. Which is why Quaker Oats has announced that they're getting rid of the Aunt Jemima brand of products. Not that Aunt Jemima herself will be out of work long...

And Aunt Jemima was only the first classic brand representative to fall. Because another familiar face will soon be missing from store shelves...

If you didn't read comic books, don't even try to understand this one.

Of course, we want to be helpful in a time of crisis, so we're offering to let the Uncle Ben's Rice folks use this different, more contemporary design we came up with a few years ago...

But lest anyone start thinking that problematic branding is limited only to products with black people's names on the label, we want to point out that products with white people's names on the label can be just as bad, if not even worse...

News Flasher

I'm taking a rapid fire (as opposed to a Wendy's fire) approach to the news today because of the last item in the cartoon above. Daughter Jarlsberg's dog, Ladybug, who currently resides at stately Jarlsberg Manor, has to be taken to the vet today because an anal gland has swollen painfully and the resulting butt bubble looks way too much like Jerry Nadler's face for us to ignore. And though she should be just fine, I worry anyway - because I currently like dogs more than I like people, and nothing in today's news has done anything to change that.

• FDA bans hydroxychloroquine - Medical data from around the world shows that hydroxychloroquine (HCQ), when administered early and with a zinc supplement, is a highly effective treatment for Covid19. Plus, it's safe (millions of doses over decades of use) and cheaper than dirt. But now the FDA has withdrawn their emergency approval of the drug because, in their view, HCQ isn't effective and may be dangerous according to a completely fraudulent study which has already been withdrawn by the con artists who wrote it. So if I know the study was a fraud, why doesn't the FDA?

Clearly, it's because A) they hate Trump and B) they aren't going to get bribed for approving a cheap remedy when the "official" approved drug is Remdesivir at $1000 a dose. The FDA also tells doctors not to give HCQ together with Remdesivir because it may reduce Remdesivir's beneficial effects. Oh, really? Because Remdesivir has no effect whatsoever on reducing mortality and may, at best, reduce hospital stays for those who would have lived anyway by a few days.

The fix is in, and those who are getting their pockets lined or are operating out of political hatred should pay for the innocent lives they're happily sacrificing.

And as long as I'm pissed off about everything related to Covid19, I should mention that we'll never know how many protesters and rioters caught the illness in New York, because Bill de Blasio has ordered healthcare works not to ask if people who test positive were at the protests. Because politics will always be more important than pandemics or public health.

And one more thing (as Columbo used to say when approaching a door): one of the reasons there's so much confusion now about whether or not masks should be worn to help fight Covid19 is that Dr. Fauci now admits lying his ass off originally so medical professionals could grab what few masks were available. The truth: masks were always important and they're still important.

• Atlanta rioters burn Wendy's after new police shooting - (Truth in journalism: since creating the cartoon, I haven't been able to absolutely confirm that the business owner is black.)

I think everyone can pretty much agree that George Floyd's death under a police officer's knee deserves thorough investigation and, if warranted, tough criminal charges. But the police shooting of Rayshard Brooks in Atlanta isn't even vaguely the same. Despite headlines like "Police Kill Black Man For Being Asleep at Wendy's" and media/political accusations that this was murder, the facts - and the video - don't support it.

The police officers treated Brooks with respect and a calm demeanor. When he was found to be legally intoxicated after a breathalyzer test, they asked him to put his hands behind his back to be handcuffed. That's when Brooks erupted into a furious fighting machine (he had a criminal history of violence, including violence against his own children), wrestling with and repeatedly punching the officers before grabbing one of their taser pistols and running. Here's what happened next...

All of this is absolutely clear in the video. Not shown here is that the cop who was fired upon then pitched to one side and fell against that red car as Brooks continue running. So what the second cop saw was that the man who had just violently attacked him had raised a weapon, there was a bang and a muzzle flash, and his partner staggered - perhaps injured. The second officer then shot and ended the situation before it could escalate farther.

(Update/Correction/Apologia: I got an important part of the sequence wrong in my summary above. It was not the second cop who shot Brooks, it was the one closest to him - who had just dodged the Taser shot. Sorry about the error!)

Here's a helpful tip to bad guys of every race, creed, and color: if you don't want to die, don't shoot anything at the police. And a tip for rioters: burning down a business that had nothing to do with the incident doesn't help your cause.

• Obama to join Biden for online fundraiser - I can only imagine that Barry is praising Allah for Covid19, because it means he won't ever have to actually share a stage with Joe Biden. Nor will Obama have to be wearing pants with a nice crease during the event. In fact, he may not wear pants at all - who's to know?

I don't really have anything clever to say about this "event." Obama still sucks, Biden is still the world's most prolific gaffe machine, and I sure as heck won't be watching.

• Seattle gives "CHOP" concrete barricades for their imaginary kingdom - Confirming that Seattle is now officially The Dumbest Place On Earth, city officials are giving the occupying protesters concrete barricades to replace the old wooden and plastic ones. While not specifically stated, I assume that this was done as a public safety measure, because protesters who fire AK-47s at police will be much less likely to get hurt if they can hide behind rebar-enforced concrete.

UPDATE: GLAND OF PLENTY

Ladybug is home and doing fine now that her anal gland, much like a Seattle protester, has been able to express itself. She'll be on antibiotics for a couple of weeks, then get rechecked.

But clearly she's feeling better already. Now that her backdoor Nadler face has been drained, she was finally able to scurry into the backyard and take a big, healthy Schiff.

A Bad Rap

In the newly formed principality of CHAZ (the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone), the only thing actively being produced is irony - and plenty of it. The leader (an admittedly hazy distinction) is a local rapper with an AK-47 and enough gold rings to pay for all of the commune's needs...if he was willing to give them up, which he's not. Apparently seizing his property for the people is still unacceptable.

CHAZ has erected border walls to keep out foreigners and demands voter-unfriendly (and likely racist) photo IDs at checkpoints. The local citizenry divides its time between demanding that all land be seized for communal farming, and begging for food that someone else has produced. To paraphrase Steve Martin in "The Jerk," land and freedom and autonomy are all they need. And food and ice and Gatorade. That's all! Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Gatorade are all they need. And Cigarettes. And clothes. Land and freedom and autonomy and food and ice and Gatorade and cigarettes and clothes and shoes and solar chargers and pillows and flashlights and Tracfone minutes and folding chairs and body lotion. That's all! And disinfectant.

While we've previously suggested going Branch Davidian on these numbnuts, our better angels have spoken to us and we now realize that this situation should be handled non-violently. So rather than drag them out of CHAZ, we keep them in. As in permanently. And we cut off the flow of all of those items that they want for free but haven't earned.

Let them break up the streets and plant their crops. Let them turn dumpsters into dwellings. Let them defecate on the sidewalks and drink rainwater from the gutters. And let them see just how long one a**hole can hold on to his gold rings without help from the police.

The Garden of Eatin'

BONUS: UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Perhaps to clear up the confusion between "autonomous" and "erogenous," the Seattle squatters are changing the name of their encampment from CHAZ to CHOP (Capitol Hill Organized Protest).

But as long as the name is in play, we'd really like to suggest the Capitol Hill Union of Militant Protesters Zone. Because CHUMPZ has a nice ring to it.

Book 'Em

As Old Lodge Skins famously said in the film Little Big Man - "Sometimes the magic works. Sometimes it doesn't." Today was a "sometimes it doesn't" for us.

We tried mightily to come up with a worthwhile post and some pithy wit, but found our muse uncooperative. As muses are wont to be when the feces hits the fan.

People are losing their careers for not kneeling before the New Taliban, movies and television shows are being pulled from public view, Amazon and Google have announced plans to cut off certain forms of technological support for the police, a significant chunk of Seattle has been commandeered by armed radicals who are getting no pushback from hamstrung law enforcement agencies, the stock market plunged (after first enthusiastically running off a vertiginous cliff, stopping in mid-air, briefly turning into a cartoon "sucker," then plummeting), and people are waking up to the fact that the coronavirus didn't actually disappear just because there was a bigger story in the news. Yow!

And so we struggled to find something to say. Thinking about the way police officers are now being demonized, we thought about the children's books of our youth which always depicted the police in a positive light...

We looked for other old police-themed titles which might lend themselves to a comedic updating, but came up dry. Not that we weren't pleased to discover this classic...

But still thinking of old children's books as a good contrast between the innocence we once enjoyed and the current destruction of our culture, we thought about "Goodnight Moon," and thought maybe we could write a parody along the lines of "Goodnight freedom, capitalism, and western civilization."

Hmm. Not really good, but maybe if we diddled around with a cover for awhile, something would come to us (spoiler alert: it didn't)...

You can kill an impressive amount of time trying to find the right font, find burning buildings to put outside, and creating a broken window effect. And in the end...it was "meh," and we still didn't have any ideas. How in the heck could we even use this piece of art we'd labored over?

That's when Busty Ross helpfully said, "Send me in coach!" And it seemed like a good idea, because no matter how lame a blog post we make, people are wonderfully forgiving if Ms. Ross has paid a visit. Which is how today's cartoon came to be, and why the weekend has arrived for us in just the nick of time.

Whirled Health Organization

The WHO has spoken, but (wait for it!) we won't get fooled again. Once more, they've opened their inept, over-funded, Chinese-owned yaps to spread completely incorrect information about SARS-CoV-2, then issued an immediate retraction when their lies were challenged.

In this case, we're referring to their announcement several days ago that there was virtually no risk of contagion from asymptomatic spreaders, as such cases were "very rare." Which meant that society could reopen fully and, as long as someone wasn't running a fever or hacking up a lung, social distancing and masks could be forgotten. Hooray, right?!

Only they've now issued a "clarification" that what they really meant to say was that up to 40% of coronavirus transmission might be due to asymptomatic spread but "more information is needed." Information which they apparently get by spending way too much time on Facebook.

Let's be clear: Covid-19 is still a critically serious world crisis...and one which gets worse every time blatant misinformation from the World Health Organization spreads virally.

FLOOR SHOW

It's official: "cultural appropriation" now only applies to sombreros.

To show their support for George Floyd and, apparently, their African heritage, on Monday Democrats solemnly pretended to kneel on a black neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. Which brings the total time they've been kneeling on black necks to about 100 years, 8 minutes, and 46 seconds.

We marvel, and not in a good way, at what the thought processes must have been behind this repugnant idea:

"Maybe we should finally allow black kids to go to good schools?"
"Nah - teacher's unions."
"Close the borders so illegal aliens don't take jobs from black Americans?"
"What - and lose our nannies and lawn crews?"
"Why don't we stop paying Planned Parenthood to abort black children?"
"No way - we'd lose the women's vote!"
"Okay, let's finally renounce Senator Robert Byrd - the longest-serving Democrat senator in U.S. history - for being an Exalted Cyclops in the Ku Klux Klan!"
"C'mon, let bygones be bygones."
(A long pause as brains are wracked. Then...)
"Let's pretend that George Floyd was from Africa and we can all dress up as Africans!"
"BRILLIANT! Now let's raise taxes and get lobster bisque for lunch!"

For this very sincere ceremony which was in no way a cheap, transparent, condescending grab for black votes, Nancy Pelosi was given the tribal name "Kunta Kente." Kente is the traditional African fabric seen in the neck wraps the Democrats were wearing. And Kunta is, well...let's just say that it fits Nancy Pelosi perfectly.

Complete Cop Out

In order to prevent even a single future case of police malfeasance, liberals are now demanding to "defund the police" (which essentially means cutting training budgets, which won't give us better cops) or getting rid of the police entirely and replacing them with (wait for it!) unarmed Rapid Response Social Workers.

No, really.

We're not exactly sure how this would work. Would a social worker visit a crime in progress and attempt to disarm the perp with a forceful show of empathy? Or ask a rapist to stop pumping for a moment to consider what his victim's feelings must be? Or perhaps thwart a bank robbery by pointing out to the bandits that, in the end, money can't really buy happiness?

If attempted, we predict that this bold new initiative could be very effective in causing an uptick of rapes, murders, and robberies of social workers. Not to mention getting their "rapid response" electric cars stolen.

Realistically, all these social workers could really do is show up at crime scenes after the fact, and help the victims and survivors (if any) process the experience in emotionally healthy ways that don't in any way denigrate those who have been forced into crime by unfortunate circumstances and societal injustice.

Still, we want to be fair about giving this new system a chance. So we suggest that the first team of rapid response social workers be deployed to Chicago to clean up that pesky "inner city black genocide" thing. Because in those mean streets, there are clearly a lot of killers who desperately need a hug.

TALLY JOE!

Even though our disease-ridden, riot-plagued nation is overdue to catch a freaking break, it didn't happen last week when Gropin' Joe Biden finally scored enough delegates to assure that he'll be the Democrat nominee for president.

In complete sincerity, we welcome Biden's guaranteed place in the race because, in these troubled times, it's reassuring to know that we'll never run out of comedy gold.

Keep Comedy and Carry On

We're doing our best to keep laughing these days, although it's entirely possible we're just hysterical. Our society is currently juggling a pandemic, racial strife, looting and rioting, ongoing proof of years of traitorous duplicity from the FBI, DOJ, and Obama administration, and a newly raging debate about how much tear gas is "too much" to use on one's way to church.

And yes, we know it wasn't tear gas - just friendly smoke bombs and mischievous eye-scorching irritants - but shoving all those accurate words into the paragraph above would have broken the comedic flow. And right now, that flow (and the flow of Clan MacGregor) is about all that's keeping us sane.

Well, that and the camaraderie of friends in the comments section (as always, just click on the title of today's cartoon to get there). See you there!

A Time for Heeling

We hope you enjoy the cartoon above because it's about all we're capable of giving you today. In complete candor, we're nursing a splitting headache (and jaw ache and neck ache) which we believe is related to our allergy to bullshit. And there's way more of that in the air than ragweed or mountain cedar pollen.

We have friends on the Left (beggars can't be choosers) who are inundating their social media with sniffy sentiments like "if you have to say you're not a racist, then you are one," that the violence (not just the protesting) in the streets is entirely understandable and appropriate, while simultaneously claiming that we are now officially living in a police state because Orange Man has brought down the full force of the American military on the citizenry. Which, frankly, is a news story we seem to have missed.

Whether from individuals, the media, or the PR Department of Soros World Domination Inc, there is  a choking pollution of lies that has us gasping for a BS95 mask capable of filtering the stench.

But here is a bit of fresh air from Monday night's broadcast by Tucker Carlson. It's 26 minutes long, but the time flies by as Carlson gives us his truthful, thorough, and insightful analysis of the riots burning through our nation. It will inform you, anger you, and hopefully inspire you. That's certainly what it did for us.

Ease of Destruction

Nothing helps clarify the decision about when to return to a virus-ridden society like nationwide riots actively trying to burn that society to the ground.

The provocation of said riots, at least in theory, was the sad and almost certainly criminal death of George Floyd, an African-American who died after having a policeman kneel on his neck for an unconscionable amount of time. There was video of the incident, and all who saw it - of any race or political disposition - agreed "this is wrong. The officers involved need to face legal consequences."

Outrage and protest from the Black community and sympathetic persons of all races was and is completely understandable. Peaceful protests are absolutely appropriate. Our nation has real racial problems that run deep and need solving, though any longterm solutions are going to be difficult, multi-tiered, and involve hard questions for everyone involved.

But that's not what these riots are about. They are about anarchy, and the most violent offenders couldn't care less about George Floyd. Many are politically motivated antifa-style terrorists, emboldened by previous spasms of destruction that not only went unchecked and unpunished but were actively praised by left-leaning media. There are opportunists who want to loot whatever businesses the crowd chooses to pillage, stripping shelves like a plague of locusts. And there are those who are simply feral, getting a drug-like high from senseless violence and carnage.

All of that is bad enough. But where are the leaders - local, state, and federal - who are willing to take a stand against all of this? Police are told to stand down, government officials become apologists ("We think white supremacists have infiltrated the mobs"), and the many existing crowd-dispersal technologies go unused.

It is no stretch at all to imagine that there are many in power who want to see these riots continue if only to make Donald Trump look bad in the run-up to the election: if he doesn't react strongly, he'll be tarred for not protecting lives and property. If he does react strongly, he'll be pilloried as a racist.

We've seen all of this before, far too many times. What we haven't seen, and what we must see, is order restored to our streets by immediate and appropriate use of force (including, as a final resort, deadly force), and severe legal consequences for the agitators and anarchists who are setting flames not just to buildings, but to our nation's soul.