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Monday, January 25, 2021

News Beaten

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FROM THE VAULT

As the saying goes, "what's old is nude again." Or at least that's our take on Joe Biden's executive ordure which will force all female athletic competitions and programs to include males who identify as females. And if no biological female ever again gets a college sports scholarship, wins an athletic competition, or lands an Olympic slot, well, tough titty. In this case, literally. Points we thought we had made clear way back in 2015...

SONNY WITH A CHANCE OF SHOWERS (11/6/15)

Maybe so, but we doubt he's 99 and 44/100% pure
Quietly weeping mourners braved dark clouds and chill winds yesterday to attend the graveside services for Common Sense, which finally passed away this week after a long, painful, and ultimately hopeless battle with Liberalism.

The final blow was thought to be the Department of Education's ruling that a transgendered student who self-identifies as female but was born male and still has male genitalia, must be allowed to shower with the girls on the school soccer team.

To the school's credit, they had previously done everything possible to accommodate "the girl with something extra," including providing a privacy curtain for shower time. But that still wasn't acceptable to the student - who is apparently either an asshole or a bitch, depending on whether you believe gender is genetic or simply a choice.

Which is why the Department of Education conducted a taxpayer-funded two-year investigation into what should be done (and the Dems are whining about the length of the Benghazi hearings?!) before determining that the student was being discriminated against "on the basis of sex." Because, no doubt, they didn't want to say "on the basis of having a skin flute."

"All students deserve the opportunity to participate equally in school programs and activities - this is a basic civil right," said Assistant US Secretary Catherine Lhamon, adding "including showering with nubile young athletic women, their skin delightfully flushed from their exertions, and watching the sinuous streams of water course sensuously over their firm young breasts before racing down, down, down to disappear into the heady tangled forests surrounding their teammates' forbidden love grottos."

Okay, she didn't say that last part word for word, but we're pretty sure it was implied.

Hope n' Change isn't against reasonable accommodation of transgendered people, but that word "reasonable" needs to be emphasized. With a Louisville Slugger, if necessary. Which should also be the case when dealing with other ludicrously clear cases in which "self-identifying" doesn't make something true. And we don't just mean Rachel Dolezal's "blackness," Elizabeth Warren's claim to be "Native American," little Ahmed's timed detonator that identifies as a "clock," or B. Hussein's transparently ridiculous assertion that he self-identifies as a Christian.

For instance, a 12-year-old who "identifies" as an adult shouldn't get to buy booze. A 25-year-old who "identifies" as a senior citizen shouldn't be able to collect Social Security payments.  An 11-year-old girl who "identifies" as a grown woman shouldn't be able to be a consensual sex partner for a pedophile. Yet in our society, it seems increasingly likely that any and all of these things could come to pass.

If Common Sense was still with us, we think it would present us with an elegantly simple solution to the problems above: the requirement of a "No Dicks" sign outside girls shower rooms, and perhaps an identical one to tell the dicks in Washington to start solving problems instead of inventing them.

22 comments:

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I self-identify as Madame LaFarge. When do I get to start sending the ruling class to the guillotine?

Michael said...

Can we move the US government to another city and not tell any of the politicians or bureaucrats.

Popular Front said...

OK let's add some logical experimentation to this whole non-debate.
A 17-year old boy who 'identifies' as a woman is on the soccer team. Game over, it's time to shower up. The boy showers with a bunch of nubile team mates; lots of splashing and horseplay as one would expect BUT!! suddenly he gets a boner! All those nude teenage girls are just too much! Sensory and sexual overload! He's now got a diamond cutter you can hang your coat on. What does this mean? Is he sexually aroused because he's a novice lesbian or is it because despite what he may think, his BODY responds to visual stimulus in the normal, usual way.

Seize him! Give him a bloody good hiding and send him back to the boys team where he belongs and tell him not to be so effing stupid next time and his moment in the girls locker room is just a lovely memory to sustain him in his dotage.

REM1875 said...

The Gazette just keeps getting better and better..........

donpaul53 said...

He wants to identify as a girl. I say take away his baseballs and bat.

Jim Irre said...

Immediately!

Anonymous said...

I see where a progressive race hustler aka a college professor came up with the term "trans-racial whiteness". It's the old "acting white" accusation repackaged in the latest scholastic doublethink.

The thought occurred that if trans-racial whiteness is a thing why not trans-racial blackness. Sean King and Rachel Dolezal are two public examples of such. Elizabeth Warren is known for claiming Native American heritage and Amy Klobuchar's father caused a scandal in Minnesota when he revealed that he identified he and his family as black on the census form; ostensibly to give voice to those black people who declare themselves white.

Being Black means that you are the eternal victim. Being Black means you can commit any crime yet claim to be the victim. Black football, basketball & baseball players worth millions of dollars claim they are victims of institutional racism when they are apprehended for commiting violent crimes against other black people. Being Black means that anyone who doesn't immediately agree with you is a racist.

The curious thing is that one can lose their Person Of Color victimhood status. George Zimmerman, a Hispanic, magically became a white person after killing Saint Trayvon Martin who was peacefully pounding Zimmerman's head into a sidewalk.

So if anyone asks I am now a trans-racial black person and will demand that authorities file hate crime charges against anyone who says otherwise.

Fred Ciampi said...

OK, that does it, I am going to identify as a billionaire, go to the bank and demand my money! So there.

Rod said...

EZ Tip for the girls teams: Very sharp S.S. scuba divers' knives with clip-in plastic sheath & rubber strap band that straps to the lower leg especially in the showers If he doesn't enter your shower; go visit his in a group-grope. Maybe he'll decide to join a different team. The knives probably don't have to be very large. Save a few more dollars with multi discount. They ARE after-all, multipurpose.

Fish Out of Water said...

The past few weeks here in and about the Swamp have been gloom-filled, weather wise and spiritually.

As feared, thus far it does seem the worst electoral mistake since the peanut farmer from Plains Ga is getting an unelected 3rd term in office, with Biden as his sock puppet. And that the Obama sock puppet seems intent on outstripping the overreach of the worst electoral mistake since the peanut farmer from Plains Ga.

But thinking a bit, I am also slightly optimistic. This sort of Executive "progressive", neo-fascist overreach may be greater than the worst historical instance of federal overreach - Prohibition (though I'll admit, Obamacare may be a close second), and history has shown where that went.

What the loud, shouting red in the face minority of ideologues on either side of the spectrum continually fail to understand is Americans eschew any sort of ideological extremism. And when faced with such, will react accordingly.

igor said...

One step forward (DJT's Presidency), three steps back (Obambam's and Hidin' Biden's (p)Residency)!

Hope y'all got prepared, 'cause it's too late now...

Anonymous said...

A 25-year-old who "identifies" as a senior citizen shouldn't be able to collect Social Security payments
Well shucks, I had a good argument to identify as an adult well over my age because I have common sense and wanted to collect this social security before they spend it all.

Fish Out of Water said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fish Out of Water said...

@Anonymous: Actually 'identifying as' is not really new. I suspect many of us 'identified as' being of age when it came to buying alcohol while under age. :-)

TrickyRicky said...

I identify as a disgruntled and disgusted American who is now ruled, not governed, by a pack of vile, unprincipled, rapacious minions of the Chinese Communist Party. I'm trying to adjust to my new role, but find it very hard to enjoy life and be optimistic in these circumstances.

McChuck said...

99.44% pure.

John the Econ said...

Over a year ago when it became obvious that Joe Biden was going to be the designated candidate, I declared that their campaign theme should be "Make America 2009 Again!". Before taking office, his appointments of Obama-era retreads confirmed that this would be the case, and his first moments in office did not deviate from the prediction.

The fracking revolution was already underway when Obama took office despite the Obama Administration's desire to be rid of US domestic oil production. One of the grand ironies of the Obama era was that it was fracking that actually saved the Obama Administration. Would Obama have been re-elected in 2012 if gas prices had continued their Bush-era trajectory of heading for over $5/gallon in addition to a stagnant economy?

Joe Biden seems intent on testing that theory. As painful as >$4-a-gallon gas would be, it would be worth it might just to see the White House and Congress flushed of eco-fascist Progressives for actually delivering on a promise.

John the Econ said...

The Real War on Women: One of the Democrat's central themes during the '90s was the imagined War on Women being conducted by Republicans for their opposition to an abortion free-for-all. At the time, the oppression of women was defined by rabid feminist fascists as anything and everything that any women might potentially find offensive, such as less-than-tasteful joke. (A standard now applied to anything that might be considered "racism") Skip ahead 20 years later, and today, forget the jokes. Teenage girls are being told that if they have a problem with the biological male stranger they discover in the shower next to them, they're now the bigots. You've come a long way, baby!

This displays one of the more bizarre contradictions of Progressivism: Progressives absolutely hate individualism and the individual, except where issues of sexuality are involved, where it's literally anything goes, and if anyone else has any problem with that, then they need to get out of the way.

So what happened? Bill Clinton did. In order to save the Presidency of the ultimate misogynist pig who was the living embodiment of everything that modern feminism was supposed to hate, alphabet feminism went all-in. In addition to saving Bill Clinton, they demonstrated once and for all what conservatives had known for decades, that alphabet feminism was little more than a wholly-owned wing of the Democrat Party more interested in the political well-being of Democrats than actual women.

At this point, middle class heterosexual women who were not into alphabet feminism for the leftist politics realized that they no longer had any need of the movement and went on with their lives. This left the movement in the possession of fringe groups and academia, which is why today they're obsessed with the trans movement and associated insanity.

So the supposedly mainstream Biden feels compelled to appoint a trans assistant health secretary not because she's competent, but because she's trans. Because in Progressivism, identity trumps competence.

John the Econ said...

There is an upside, I hope: I've long argued that all aspects of Progressive insanity (and mandates) should apply to sports. Most sports are the ultimate meritocracy. You beat the other individual or team by some objective standard or you don't. How entertaining would professional sports be if teams had to comply with the sorts of mandates that other private industry is made to accommodate? For example, I noted yesterday that the Buccaneers did not have any one-legged-dwarf Anglican hermaphrodites on their offensive line.

Those of a certain age might remember the joke the Olympics were becoming on the '70s with all the East German and Russian bearded ladies dominating certain sports. Who knew that in reality we were the bigots for noticing that?

So what's going to happen to girls sports now that the gates are open for boys to participate?

An editorial in the Wall Street Journal last week had some interesting observations:

"...the fastest female sprinter in the world is American runner Allyson Felix, a woman with more gold medals than Usain Bolt. Her lifetime best for the 400-meter run is 49.26 seconds. Based on 2018 data, nearly 300 high-school boys in the U.S. alone could beat it."

But there will be deeper long-lasting effects that just watching sexually-confused boys beat up on girls:

It isn’t merely the trophies and scholarships and opportunities at stake. It isn’t even all the benefits sports have so long provided to young women—in self-esteem and health and camaraderie with friends. It isn’t merely that girls who participate in sports tend to earn better grades, that so many female Fortune 500 executives were athletes, or that sports force teen girls out of their own heads, where they might otherwise sit and stew to their detriment.

I present the real War on Women.

Sortahwitte said...

@anony. I like it. A lot. I am now a trans-racial black man. Give me some time to work out all of the angles. There's benefits to be claimed and big screen tvs to be had. I want a free phone, too. This spring, I might just not plant some watermelons and chitlins and go after money from the Dept. of Ag not to plant. I can just see the cash rollin' in. Stand by.

Colby Muenster said...

So you wanna compete as a girl? Fine, drop your pants and hand me that scalpel. Then go make me a sandwich.

But seriously, silly Democrats. You can declare that the sky is green until the cows come home, but that don't make it so. You keep screwing around with God's plan, and it won't end well for you. He built us differently for a reason.

Dan said...

Sortawitte: Once you transition, don't bother to not plant, just see if the Dept of Ag is still paying off on the Pigford decision.