Monday, June 14, 2021

Weeking Off Again

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, toobin, cnn, masturbation, weeking off, Kamala, Fauci, Hillary, murder, tarmac
Oh sure, we can laugh - but he was just awarded a "Pull It, Sir" prize

CNN viewers may want to install windshield wipers on their television sets now that Jeffrey "Sound of One Hand Clapping" Toobin has returned to the air. Toobin had been given some time off for getting off - specifically, on a Zoom call with CNN colleagues during which he grabbed some lotion, a tissue, and then proceeded to pleasure himself while on camera

Granted, CNN anchors do that all the time during actual broadcasts, but the action is usually hidden because they're forced to sit behind desks with washable undersides. And the same practice is also rampant at MSNBC, where they winkingly describe their throes of pleasure as "leaning forward."

All of this takes us back to the title of today's post, "Weeking Off Again," because that's what we're going to be doing this week at Stilton's Place. Taking time off, that is, not making obscene Zoom phone calls while pretending that part of our anatomy is a trombone.

We also find ourselves more than a little distracted by an impending colonoscopy on Tuesday, which means fasting all day Monday and then finishing the day with two rounds of chemically-induced explosive diarrhea. Sort of like if Dr. Fauci sent our tax dollars to Wuhan to create "gain of function" mutations in Ex-Lax.

And of course, we're not really nuts about the invasive procedure itself, likely to be performed with surplus equipment from the canceled "Keystone XL" pipeline project. Although on the bright side, we think we should at least be able to rack up some Woke points for scheduling our anal invasion during Pride month.

(Side note: "News" sources are delightedly reporting that Kamala Harris "made history" by being the first VP to march in a rainbow-striped Pride Parade over the weekend. Our thought is that walking one freaking block isn't even news, let alone history. And more importantly, pretty much EVERY VP has marched in Pride Parades over the years. Okay, back then they were called "4th of July" parades, but trust us, snowflakes - they were about pride.)

Anyway, we've decided to take the entire week off (barring really spectacular events) in order to step away from the news for a bit and make an effort to get some joie de vivre. Which, the astute among you will already have guessed, is French for "Clan MacGregor."

As always, the comments section will remain open and lively - see you there!


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hillary, tarmac, reporter, suicide, murder, lynch, election
Unsurprisingly, Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable for comment


JustaJeepGuy said...

Oh don't worry--I'm sure the authorities will thoroughly investigate the "suicide" and declare, definitively, that there was no foul play involving Hitlary Clinton, Slick Willie Clinton, or Gropey Joe or Hunter Biden, or anyone who might have gotten discovered doing something unsavory by the late journalist.

Dan said...

I wonder if Christopher Sign knew Seth Rich.

Fritzchen said...

In Unca Fritzchen's rules for calculating life expectancy, the time a journalist has left to live varies inversely with their depth of knowledge of the Deep State! You know you're in deep Do-Do when your life insurance policy is suddenly canceled!

Jim G. said...


Best of luck with the colonoscopy, the procedure for sure, but more importantly, the results!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Toobin: I'm sure everyone at CNN is pulling for him.

Arkancide: I know it's accurate, but, dagnabbit, hasn't my adoptive home state been through enough?

Colonoscopy: First one in 2010, the day of the Royal Wedding. They also did an endoscopy while I was out, and drove the Golden Spike somewhere near my duodenum.

Bobo the Hobo said...

MY 16 year-old grandson wanted to watch the monkeys on CNN (a channel that is verboten in our house). When I asked him why, he said he heard his dad talking about “some guy spanking the monkey”. It made me realize I should start telling the kid about trade schools as I now know college is not in his future.

@Dan, I find it odd that Republicans are about the only ones who actually care about what happened to Seth Rich.

Good luck with your procedure, Stilt, and enjoy the well-deserved, chemically-induced nap. My family has a history of colon cancer so (lucky me!) I get to do a colonoscopy every three years; last year I drank so much prep that I had to check to make sure my eyes were still brown.

Michael Riles said...

Newsflash: Journalist and Alabama television news anchor Christopher Sign, who once played football for the University of Alabama, was found dead Saturday morning after what police are investigating as an apparent suicide.

Yep, they say he derailed Hillary with his book -

To the tune Suicide is Painless

Once again it's on the TV.
Elation for friends of HILLARY
Like all the others who stood in her way
should have bet
Got nice PAYDAY.

Suicide's the payback
for those who stabbed HER in back,
another bites the dust

Victor Reiser,
Mary Malone,

Seth Rich,
Vince Foster,
There's MO

Jim McDougal,
Jeff Epstein

Jerry Parks,
coincidence or scheme?

Suicide's convenient.
really mean it.
The angels of death have stuck once again.

Michael Riles said...

To the tune Another One Bites the Dust

Woke up June of twenty one
heard it on a blog
another victory
and one for HUBBY the HOG

Chris Sign,
yep he died,
add another to the list.
FOB's* are cheering hard
add his name to the list.

Riser, Malone,
no they weren't alone.

Vice Foster
Seth Rich,
grave diggers
start digging the ditch.

Then LIBS were pissed,
they started the list,
Suicide they say.

Clinton Body count,
lefty's scream and shout.

They made the lefty's day.

*FOB? Friends of Bill

Gorgon Zola said...

"Withdrawal Decision?" Really???

Snark said...

Good luck on the results of your colonoscopy, Stilt. I hope everything comes out all right.

@3M - I hope they did the endoscopy first. Do you know the difference between an endoscope and a colonoscope? Flavor....

CNN equals the result of your colonoscope prep.

As far as Kamala "making history" - I'm just waiting for the ho to become history.

Have a nice nap, Stilt.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Colonoscopy should be a snap, Stilt. The Versed and whatever else they give you pre-op is almost better than Clan MacGregor----almost. We'll all hang in there while you are gone, while we sip the Clan or similar product, forcing ourselves not to get into a group wretch while watching CNN.

Fred Ciampi said...

For my last colonoscopy I made a sticker, "you are about to go where no man has gone before" and stuck It on my butt. The nurse told me after that the doctor laughed so hard he had to delay the start of the procedure for 10 minutes.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Snark: This was a deluxe joint, so they had separate scopes. As I recall, I DID use that line, and the reaction was 'yes, ha ha, we've only heard that one a thousand times'...

@Fred: Hee hee hee! Good 'un!

As for me, well, I had what I thought was tuna sushi last night, but I suspect it was actually escolar aka Olestra fish, cos this ayem...well, enough said. You may consider me a very regular reader of this comic and leave it at that. ;-)


TrickyRicky said...

As fate would have it, I'm doing the "double-double" exactly one month from today. I'm dreading it already, although I do enjoy the deep sleep induced by what I call the Versed Vacation.....

John the Econ said...

Just the latest example for proof of my maxim: There is absolutely nothing a Progressive can do to permanently destroy their career as long as they are faithful to the Progressive agenda.

And as @Stilton pointed out, Toobin was just taking to a literal physical level what the people at CNN & BSNBC do mentally every day. I can only imagine that after Toobin was done, he looked up at all of the disapproving faces (usually only reserved for non-Progressive guests) and asked, "What? Did I to something wrong?" I guess that for some people, watching porn and attending CNN zoom meetings is the same thing.

Which just makes this another example of the real "great divide" that exists in America today. It's no so much "left" versus "right", but arrogant Progressive elitists against what's left of the moral & sane America. These are the people who consider themselves the "thought leaders" of the nation; people who can easily masturbate during work meetings (or excuse the behavior as "diversity") but think that you are a neanderthal for believing that men are men and women are women, or just decent personal behavior. There are even those who think that you're the pervert for having a problem with people who masturbate during zoom calls. (I had a link to one such op-ed, but seem to have misplaced it)

Of course, what they consider "just going with it", you and I might consider childish behavior; giving in to impulses instead of delaying gratification like grown adults used to do.

Kamala: Making history by lowering the standard of vice presidents.

Weeking Off: Probably best not tasking one's self with authoring incisive political commentary/humor while preparing for an anal probe. Wise move.

I mentioned to anyone who would listen that the prep for the procedure would go down much better if they make it some kind of beer, which would make the chugging much more palatable and go much better with the added plus of unconsciousness when you were done.

I hope it all goes well in the end.

Shelly said...

My colonoscopy is scheduled in July (not my first). I have to go every 3-5 years. The worst part is the cleanse (stock up on baby wipes and don't use TP). I'm so lucky I get to do it for TWO DAYS. Aaargghhh!

Skip said...

Good luck to you and they find you extremely healthy.

You gave me the name of the software you use for the comics, which are great today. There is no low bar CNN will not hesitate to lower themselves to. The template you have for a single cartoon and a 3 panel toon, you created them from the existing templates provided by the software maker I would assume, because their is nothing I have seen that is what I want.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Cancel the colonoscopy and go for Cologard, the original poop in a box. Just about as accurate, convenient, no fasting or chemicals to swallow and results in about 2 weeks - or less.

Jess said...

It's amazing how extra-soft tp turns into 400 grit sandpaper during prep for the colonoscopy. That, and how the lemon-lime flavored drink takes on the flavor of boiled battery acid. In the end (no pun intended) the biggest caution I can give for anyone having such a test is to make sure they pull that tube out before you leave. This prevents "gravy" and embarrassment.

DougM said...

What a jerk

Bobo the Hobo said...

@Fred - laughing so hard at that sticker. I think I’m gonna steal that idea and make one that reads, “Welcome back!”

Anonymous said...

There was one from a guy who said he was coming out to say (before the fact) that Anthony Fauci did not commit suicide.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- I'll try to respond properly to comments later. This is the morning of The Procedure, and I don't mind saying that I've had a rugged 12 hours or so. The "prep" solution was different than what I've had before; two bottles of clear liquid that tastes like death. You mix one into a 16 ounce glass of water and chug it down, then chase it with two more 16 ounce glasses of water while trying not to throw up. This triggers about five hours of forceful diarrhea, after which you have to do it all over again (so to speak). I got up at 3 am to start the process again so that I MIGHT make it all the way to the hospital without having the sharts.

I should definitely have invested in baby wipes with aloe or something, because my backside is on fire and looks like that of a baboon in heat. For that matter, I hope no baboons spot me when I'm (ahem) "vulnerable."

@Skip- In the ComicLife software, start a "new from template" project and choose Comics>Blank>Blank with styles. Once there, go to the word balloon bar at the bottom and you should see a rectangle shape on the far left side (next to the choices for lettering and boxed captions). Drag it to your blank canvas and you'll have a frame/panel to drop you art into. You can adjust the size (and use alt or whatever when dragging to get additional control). Want three panels? Just select the first, copy it, then paste it a couple of times. I then use the lettering button (bottom left) to create a header over the empty panels. Once done, just save as a template for future use. Easy peasy!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Stilton: Or one can get the same effect by ordering "tuna" sushi, when it's actually escolar (aka Ex-Lax Fish). Don't ask me how I know. :P

John the Econ said...

Fortunately, by now it should be all over. The prep is definitely the worst part of the experience. Go to bed for the rest of the day and sleep it all off.

NaCly Dog said...

May your procedure be non-eventful.

And may you not get you hand patted and told "You have a beautiful colon.

My first one, I was told that by my older, female gastroenterologist. I have a good response now. Not then.

Prayers ascending for you both.

Anonymous said...

There’s a better chance that the hian does.

Anonymous said...

“hit man” not “hian”. Sorry bout that.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Readers- Yay, I'm home! And bushed! Everything went smoothly and we collected a fine crop of polyps (none of which immediately appeared to have escaped from a lab in Wuhan). I now plan to spend some quality time in my La-Z-Boy...

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

@Stilton: Glad to see you're back. Might want to put newspapers down on your La-Z-Boy; they're not good for much else these days. ;D

Skip said...

@Stilton: Glad your test is over and you are doing well.

Thanks so much for the instruction and prompts for the software we use. The advice worked well and was 'easy peasy'. You did not have to help but it was certainly appreciated.

TheOldMan said...

I pretty much fast a day or two before quaffing down the rocket fuel. I figure there is no point in wasting those precious calories. I bring the WSJ with me to read and grip both sides of the porcelain goddess so that I do not fly around the room!

Michael Riles said...

Then: Crime causing start up firms in American cities where home security is monitored.

Now: A startup called Yoshi that delivers gas to people's cars for a monthly fee of $20. Yoshi, which is competing with several companies billing themselves as the "Uber for gas," has been backed by Exxon Mobil and General Motors. It currently operates in 16 cities, including Chicago, Los Angeles, and Boston. The reason? FOGS.

FOGS? Fear Of Gas Stations (as incidents of shootings there increase)

To the tune Say┼Źnara

The time has come to call
have gas delivered.
Psychos with guns at US gas stations now.

The thought of slug in cranium
makes me shiver.
As I go down,
stare at sky,
and then
bleed out.

I remember
time when this
was impossible here.
If people whacked---
by people they knew.

Now living in this country
very very tense now.
Like Hitler's Reich
and I am a practicing

Newsflash: Hawaii military base mysteriously launched three F-22s in response to unknown incident. The incident came less than a week after another unspecified incident prompted the base to issue a lock-down order for several hours. Tourists
at the Arizona memorial were told to shelter in place.

To the out tune from Star Trek.

Holy *&%
what the &^%
Three Raptures
ordered to
Chinese, North Korean
or maybe.
Little green men,

“Damn it!”
It was a Russian navel maneuver that came too close to Hawaii.

Michael Riles said...

Hey, it's the anniversary of the OJ Bronco chase in LA as people cheered
on a wealthy woman beater.

Some trivia.

Simpson Trained In Knife Combat For a Role Before The Murder

Simpson Had a Fake Goatee With Him In The Bronco

He Released a Rap Music Video Titled, "Get Juiced"

Domino's Made a Bundle Off The Car Chase

America Came To A Standstill During The O.J. Verdict