Hello everyone,
This will be a short one as I’m beyond exhausted. Happily, the medical news (Thursday night as I write this) is pretty good - Kathy’s various indicators are all indicating what they’re supposed to, although she has some detectable bacteria in her blood (not what you want with no immune system) and so she’s being pumped with a lot of antibiotics to prevent any infections. She has no fever, which is a good and important sign.Her energy was a bit less today, and her mood a bit down - both attributable to the long hospital stay, the constant interruptions, the inability to sleep, and more. She isn’t really hungry but has continued eating, and she has none of the chemo side effects one might expect like nausea, vomiting, or hair loss. So all of THAT goes on our gratitude list for today.
Upbeat letters and anecdotes about pretty much anything can help provide a good distraction for Kathy, as I’m running desperately low on conversational fodder. She’s really not into movies, books, or other such distractions right now, and the idea of Alexa-assisted karaoke even seems dumb to ME now, and that's saying something.
And on that note, I have some chores to do before an early (I hope) bedtime - then back to the hospital tomorrow to hopefully find Kathy having a better day.
As always, your prayers and good wishes mean a lot to all of us!
-Stilton
76 comments:
Best wishes and continued improvement. Hurry home!
Good report, Soldier!
Do keep the doctors on top of the risks of infection--be proactive for Kathy's sake. Keep out the visitors, use sanitizers as if you'd never used them before, don't even let yours or others street clothes get too close. Wearing gown or even fresh scrubs each day couldn't hurt and might help--a lot!
My prayers are only part of the otherwise "choir invisible" of your fans and supporters, but no less sincere for the fraction they represent of the whole.
Having recently done a four day "tour of duty" at a local hospital myself (nothing grim, just damned inconvenient), I quite understand the apparent impossibility of actually getting any rest, though I found that (with the staff's permission) 5mm of Melatonin at night really did help me sleep better.
Can you view YouTube through your television or other device? The wide variety of history, religious, and other high quality programs--not to mention the simply silly videos--can be a far better time killer/mind occupier than regular telly or the current news.
As others have recommended, please leave plenty of time for yourself--rest and good food will help keep you strong to be strong for her. It's not self-indulgence--it's self preservation!
If you've not crossed the "hump" yet, you may soon, after which things will get a lot easier.
As A Friend,
TVAG
Tried my best to write a hopeful comment but all I can say is
The best to you and the Mrs.
Hope the the two of you make it through your trying times.
Hey, Kathy, one "Old Lady" to another; we are tougher than most people think and you can do this, we are behind you. Keep Fighting!
Prayers for a speedy recovery!!!
I’m praying for Kathy, you, and your family, for strength and healing. I’m also praying for Kathy’s medical team for wisdom and skill.
Keep the chins up, youse guys.
Prayers for all three Jarlsbergs.
So happy to hear the excellent news, Stilton. Try to look after yourself too, as you’ll be no use to anyone as a zombie.
Stilton,
Your comment:
"I’m running desperately low on conversational fodder. She’s really not into movies, books, or other such distractions right now" is quite apropos and needs to be addressed.
Also ... the days are so-o-o long and the nights provide no respite ... except for having a LOT of time to really think about ... just what?
Not trying to be to be rude here ... but this is not a formula for success.
My wife passed on almost 20 years ago and I think about her every day ... but the pain is no longer there. It's true what they say about remembering only the good times.
Do you have picture albums that you can spend time reviewing, sharing and chatting about? ... that really worked for us.
I cannot over-recommend books ... my wife was an "art freak" ... especially regarding the paintings from the late renaissance through early modern era. She could stare at them for hours.
Best to the both of you.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
Boiled Caucasian: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Democrat Baked or Grilled: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for a Democrat?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all mornin'!
After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my gosh!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis...and a brain too?"
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
__________________________________
GENUINE GROANERS
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
-------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry,
we don't serve food in here."
--------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the
road."
--------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------
Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of
home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
--------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly. "I was artificially inseminated
this morning."
"I don't believe you!", said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!".
--------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've
lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?".
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...".
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have
to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
-------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
-------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
-------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be
the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well, I have
five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the
doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove".
--------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
-------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
other and says, "dam".
-------------------
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll
man the guns, you drive."
--------------------
Here's the difference...
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
I LOVE THIS KID!
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken..
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Funny but true! Genesis 7:12 - And the rain fell upon the earth for 40 days and 40 nights...
In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call you sister and tell her," and he hangs up...
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
A Saskatchewan farm wife call the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scent, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone did not right away , then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found the following:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone systems' ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that there are some problems that CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Yesterday I was at Fry's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think...I had an elephant?
So because I'm semi-retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack. He was laughing so hard.
Fry's won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say
The arrogance of authority.
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !!!!
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
we were married, or wish we weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.'
Time for a swim. An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast...
True Medical Stories
· A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby In the cab!
· I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there Were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Strangely enough, the Lady didn't seem to mind.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
· "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that Her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
· Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover Your right eye with your hand. "
· He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
· "Now your left"! Again, a flawless read.
· "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
· I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
· "The patch. The nurse told - me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!
· "I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
· Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
· Now the instructions - include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you've been bedridden?"
· After a look of complete confusion she - answered. "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
· I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your Breakfast this morning?"
· "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
· I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard ICransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
- A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed - Performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
· The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
- He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
· She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner.'
Dr. A. N. Nomous, Planet Earth
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
................................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
...............................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
...............................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!
************************************************************
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Get better now, Kathy...Greg M.
Thinking of you, Mr. Jarelsberg...
A man is hired as a salesman at a new Megastore, where they sell everything imaginable under one roof.
The sales manager says to the new hiree, "After you put in a full day tomorrow, I'll come by and see how you are doing."
The end of the next day, the sales manager comes by to check up on the new salesman.
"How was your first day?"
The new salesman replied, "I sold one customer."
The sales manager replies, a little upset, "One customer? Most of our regular salespeople sell at least 30 customers every day!"
"Yes," replied the newbee," but it was a sale of $132,600."
The sales manager was really taken aback. "Would you please explain to me how you sold one customer $132,600 worth of merchandise?"
"Sure," said the salesman, " At first I sold him a small fish hook, but then I sold him a medium one. After a minute, he decided to go with a large one. Then, we got him a nice rod 'n' reel for the fish hooks, and of course he needed a new Bass boat to go with his previous purchases. Well, he then needed a good boat trailer to put the boat on, and after that we went to the automotive department and set him up with a new Expedition to haul his new equipment to the water."
The sales manager was incredulous. "You mean to tell me a customer came here for a small fish hook, and you ended up selling him bigger hooks, a rod 'n' reel, a new boat and trailer, and an Expedition?"
"No", the salesman said," He came in for some Tampons, and I said, 'As long as your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "
A true story: I got up to pee; decided to check e-mail & Stilton's Place. Thanks for good news; then read all the jokes, some good ones. Now I may as well make coffee & stay up. I need to send some new jokes to the kids and some buddies. [grinning]
And also: Try the website "Chonday". It's recently been rather slow on adding NEW videos of interest but the archives is huge. Good entertainment with lot of choice in types; most are very good.
OMG, LakeMechanic, where have you been hiding?
My piddly little offering (and I can't claim credit, got it from someone else):
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.
Bartender says to the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I have no idea. I'm only here because of autocorrect."
Okay, true story. A few years back, I'm in Israel working with a volunteer program with mainly US and Canadian volunteers. On this particular afternoon the volunteers are away; I'm in the workshop by myself. Fiddling around on the radio, I find a station broadcasting golden oldies, light jazz, that sort of thing. They put on some Dean Martin song I'm not familiar with. The gist of the song is that he wants the girl to dance with him and not any other guy. At one point the lyrics actually say, "Other dancers may be on the floor." But for some reason, I heard that certain letter not as a "b" but rather as a "p". What did he say?! " Other dancers may PEE on the floor"? Sooo, like -- what, he's warning her that it might be slippery in spots?
I laughed at what I *seemed* to have heard. And then I got caught up in one of those laughing jags where the harder you try to stop laughing, the more you laugh. Ever notice that someone who's laughing really hard looks and sounds like they're crying?
So I'm glad the volunteers aren't there (if you're going to embarrass yourself, do it in private). But I'm worried that one of the Israelis will come in, see me like that and think, "Oh my gosh, what is she crying about?" And I won't be able to explain it. Number one, because I'm laughing so hard I can't talk anyway. And number two, even if I COULD talk -- how can I explain all this in Hebrew?
Sir,
The Ozzy Man Reviews is a great youtube channel, as well as Quick Dick McDick from Saskatchewan. No time for conversation with either of these.
Blessings to you both.
-M-
Prayers continue to ascend for you both and your daughter.
Humor?
Last Message about our dog. Do not bother us any more!
In response to all the recent emails about our dog, please be advised, we are sick and tired of answering questions about him.
Yes, he bit six people wearing Bernie t-shirts, four people wearing Biden T-Shirts, two car drivers with rap music blaring from their vehicles, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their butt cracks, three flag burners, two anthem kneelers and an Iranian taxi driver.
.....FOR THE LAST TIME, THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
We're with you in spirit....
A man who was honest, virtuous and had a good sense of humor (much like Stilt) was out walking alone one day when, suddenly, the Lord appeared before him!
"Mister", said the Lord "You are so honest, virtuous and have a good sense of humor (much like Stilt), I have decided to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The man thought for a moment, then said "Lord, I've always wanted to visit Hawaii and and return there for many visits; however, I'm afraid of flying and boating. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii?"
The lord paused in thought, then said "Jeeze (His nickname for His Son) I don't know! I'd have to build it so ships could pass anywhere under it, file an Environmental Impact Report you wouldn't believe how long ...... Is there ANY thing else you might like?"
The man paused for some time. "Well then, can you explain women to me?" he said.
"You want two lanes or four?" said the Lord
Keep it up. You are doing what you promised to do when you married Kathy. She needs you to strengthen her. Continued prayers for the both of you, from all of us out here in deplorable country.
A man walked into a bar, with a set of jumper cables draped over his shoulders.
He says "bartender, gimme a beer"
The bartender says "OK but don't start anything"
Prayers for you and yours
You both are so brave to be facing this. She's fortunate to have you - I'm doing the best I can for my friend with leukemia, but he's not doing well at all. You're a good and loyal person and partner in life. Hugs
A few Administrations ago, Bill Clinton was walking down the steps of Air Force One with a baby pig under each arm. Noticing the Marine guard regarding him quizzically, Clinton explained, "These are Razorback pigs. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
The Marine nodded. "Good trade, sir."
Once in downtown, a traffic signal failed and the police shift sergeant assigned officer Donahue to direct traffic. After a few hours, Sarge went down to the intersection to see how things were proceeding. When he arrived, Donahue was directing traffic, but had a small penguin standing by him. "Donahue, where did the penguin come from?" asked Sarge. "I don't know Sarge, I looked down and there he was",
Sarge,then says" your relief is here, why don't you take the penguin to the Zoo." "OK Sarge." The next day the signal was still on the blink, so Donohue was assigned to direct traffic. Sarge came to check up on Donohue and the penguin was standing next to him. Sarge says "Donohue, I told you to take him to the Zoo?' "I did Sarge and we had a great time, we are going to a ballgame this afternoon."
An Aggie was at the beach in his Speedo, all oiled up, pumping iron to attract the many girls walking along the water's edge. As a bevy walked nearby, he'd redouble his efforts, making the veins stand out, and looking all cut-and-buffed.
The girls all walked by him without a glance, but stopped a little further down where a skinny little Cajun was sunning on a blanket, where they all chatted, laughed and talked. This went on many times during the day, and the Aggie began to get irritated.
As the sun began to go down, he walked over to the Cajun and complained about the situation, saying that he worked hard to impress the girls to no avail, and asking him how he as able to attract all the girls on the beach
The little guy looked at him through his milk bottle bottom eyeglass lenses, and said, " Ah, mon ami, what you need to do is go to da store on you way home and buy you a big potato. Tomorrow morning before you come down to da beach, you put dat potato in you trunks, and den you gonna have plenty company!
So the Aggie does that, and next morning, fully equipped, he spreads his blanket and starts pumping iron. Groups of girls walk by all day long, never stopping to talk, and, as before, they stop and chat with the Cajun. All day long, the same thing happened.
At the end of the day. the Aggie, now some kind of aggravated, walks down to confront the Cajun, saying, " I did what you told me to do, but it didn't do any good - those girls just walked on by me like I wasn't there!"
The Cajun busts out laughing... when he recovers, he says," Mon ami, 'scuse me to laugh... it's my fault. I forgot to tell you - you got to put the potato in FRONT !
Kathy will come through this fine. Medical knowledge is very advanced these days. I just recovered from colon cancer surgery, which would have been very serious 10 years ago, but is now, apparently, quite routine. All will be well. Kindest thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Prayers for positive news today and rest for the both of you.
Kathy & Stilton: Still in our prayers for good humor and returning health.
Laughter is the best medicine...
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For a high school prom, a boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
--------------------
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says:
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
--------------------
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No, we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
--------------------
But seriously, folks ... with as much encouragement and support that's shown in these comments, there's no doubt Mrs. S will get better. Hang in there!
Prayers for your family in this very difficult time.
So a man confesses to his pastor that he for all his trying cannot lose weight. "My life is lonely and sad, if I could only lose 50 pounds....." His pastor tells him to make sure he is home the next night at 6PM.
At 6PM his doorbell rings and he opens to find a gorgeous woman who says "Hi if you can catch me, you can have your way with me" who then darts off. The man follows but alas is winded a few yards down.
A week later the doorbell rings again with the same women message. Off they go. This happens week after week and slowly but surely he is starting to get close. Finally he thinks tonight !!
He waits by the door ready to fling it open. RING RING. The door flies open only to find an attractive but rather plump woman who says, "My pastor told me if I could catch you........"
Hey Stilt! Why do Cowboys have brown noses?
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Lookin for love in all the wrong places.
After battling illness for quite some time, a friend said to me, "Hey, it could be worse! You could be struggling in a big, deep hole filled with water." I know he meant well.........
Prayers to you and your family.
Hang in there Jarlsberg family. The update seems encouraging. Love and Prayers.
How to speak Irish in one easy lesson.
Just repeat, out loud, the following words:
Whale oil beef hooked.
Did open heart surgery to fix a widow maker anurysm and the hospital nearly killed me in the cath lab. Almost died on the table during surgery. Had to go back a month later to take 38 pounds of fluid out of my chest. 2020 was tough. Sounds like she's got a warrior spirit and things are going great. Watch her close, holder even closer, and maybe slip her a whataburger once in a while. Hospital food is notorious, and mine was inedible. Get the strength up and keep us posted. Take care of you too. Can't help her if you aren't on your A game (or at least the B one).
Best wishes and prayers for you and your wife.
I do know what you are going through. My wife fought cancer for 5 years, the bravest and strongest person I have ever met. I hope to be like her when I grow up. The worst for me was not being able to "fix it" as I do other out of wack things. On thing that helped her in her hospital says was audio books. Just lie there and listen. Hope that will work for you lady.
Thanks to all the jokesters for providing me some great laughs. I hope they helped you too, Stilton. Still praying for Kathy every day.
Don’t forget about the daughter J. She needs attention, too. Just sayin’.
May God bless the three of you.
@mjshee1049 noted: "Also ... the days are so-o-o long and the nights provide no respite ... except for having a LOT of time to really think about ... just what?"
So it seems that there's a cure for the speed with which time goes by as you get older. I had thought that going to prison was the only thing that would slow time down.
If I prayed any harder for you and Kathy and family something would break!
Ken Elder
I love the stories and jokes. Don't forget, J family, a large moblet of your closest friends and hanger-ons are out here. We're sending you our love and prayers by the train car load.
Love, Glen and Sioux.
Humor at Pelosi's expense:
https://ifunny.co/picture/it-s-like-a-vampire-being-forced-to-hold-a-mZ7OEusP6
Stilt, 2014 or so you clued me into that comic software you used at the time, and I've kept up with your hilarity and truth on almost a daily basis since about 2010. Just wanted to say that although there are many of us out here who may not comment regularly, or when life has some of its unfair trials occur, it doesn't mean that we're not thinking of you all, or empathizing with the pain of loss or hurt, but merely, that sometimes, the right words can't be found in short order to express that, while there may be a majority who seem silent, we do read your work and about your travails, and care. Stay positive, and a tip of the hat to you and all of the posters on here who work to maintain laughter and a smile through even the darkest of times.
Dear Friends- Wonderful comments and wonderful jokes, including the jokes that are awful (wry grin). All of this means so much to us.
Kathy is still doing well on all the medical measures (Yay!), although we're all feeling the strain of this sudden and very surreal situation. I spend most of my time feeling like I'm about to cough up a flaming porcupine. Even Clan MacGregor didn't prepare me for this.
And while I appreciate all of the suggestions about books, movies, audiobooks, and streaming services, Kathy is having none of them. I am her preferred distraction for now, although I've never been more empty-headed and less entertaining in my life. Although we have yet to go a day without a few precious laughs.
Monday or Tuesday she'll have a bone marrow test to see how close we're getting to remission, which is our next really big goal.
Daughter J is staying strong and minding the homefront for me when I'm at the hospital. Kathy can only have one visitor per 24 hours, so for now I'm just a go-between for my two favorite ladies. But we're fighting this as a team (but you should know that - you're an important part of that team).
I genuinely love you folks. -Stilton
Thanks for keeping us posted. As others have mentioned, our thoughts and prayers are with you even if when trying to come up with something witty escapes us as well. One of the thoughts that frequently comes to mind is that were my wife to become ill, I'd want to be as good as you have been and as supportive as you have been to yours. Best wishes for a quick recovery to both of you :)
Hey Stiltie, if you are telling bad jokes here's a page with a massive amount of them. IA is mostly free and you can search for, and borrow or download, them to read to your wife.
https://archive.org/search.php?query=bad%20jokes
If you really do "cough up a flaming porcupine", be sure to make a video of it and put it on YouTube; 1,000,000 views the first week, guaranteed.
Seriously, I'm so happy to hear that Kathy is showing progress and has been spared at least some of the downside of chemo. God give her, and you, the strength to persevere. Hope you both get to go home soon.
Prayers my friend glad to hear that she is doing better!
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room watching tv, and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some stupid
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
BITCH...
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other
a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he
didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so,
slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off
my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with
trembling hands he did as he was told. "Now" she said,
"take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and
off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If I ever catch you
wearing my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.
However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.
However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.
The moral of the story?
WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Rabbi, when I was young, I attended your sermons, and you always used to say 'Life is like a fountain.' It was so profound, and many times over the course of my life I have pondered it, and it has given me strength. But, I must confess that I feel I have never truly understood it's meaning. Can you please tell me what is meant by 'life is like a fountain?'"
The rabbi thinks for a minute before responding:
"Okay, so it's not like a fountain."
Stop me if you've heard this one.
You are locked in a cage with a tiger, a gorilla and a lawyer. You have a revolver with only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Praying for you both.
Began my Monday morning with healing prayers for your bride and prayers of peace for you, Dear Friend. You're both in my daily prayers.
A hoity toity man went to eat at a fancy new restaurant he'd heard about. Everything he ate was wonderful until they brought his main course, when he noticed the Hollandaise sauce was on a Styrofoam plate. Outraged, he demanded to speak with the owner. The owner strongly defended his serving methods, and said, "Everybody knows, there's no plate like foam for the Hollandaise."
Did you know that vegetarians cannot eat pudding? True! "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"
A lawyer was driving home in his brand new BMW 735i, when he pulled over and parked in front of his favorite bar for a drink. When he opened the car door, a truck came by, ripping the car door completely off. Incensed, he called the police to file a complaint. When the cop get there, he said, "You lawyers are all alike, You are so self centered and materialistic, you didn't even notice your left arm was gone." The lawyer gasped, looked where his arm used to be and cried, "Oh my GOD! My new Rolex!"
I'll be here all week....
@Colby:
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Had my knee replaced a few weeks back and spent two nights in the hospital. Couldn’t wait to get outta there so I could get some SLEEP!!!
We're with both of you. Keep on keepin on!
What's hairy, brown and goes up and down? A kiwi in an elevator.
Love and prayers to Kathy, Dr. J and Daughter J. Glen and Sioux.
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