For those who want to read no farther (and I can't blame you), let me give you the Cliff's Notes version of today's post: Kathy and I are going through new levels of Hell I'd never dreamed of, but hope still exists. Keep praying.
I begin with an email I sent to family and friends on Saturday night...
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SATURDAY
I left everyone at a scary cliffhanger with my previous update so I’m following up with this one that says, essentially, we’re still hanging on to that cliff.
My brain is mush now, so pardon me if I refer to things I’ve never mentioned or whatever. In recent updates, I think I mentioned that something had gone wrong in Kathy’s brain causing her to become non-verbal, disconnected from the world, and reacting dramatically to the unexpected touch. The next day (and especially night - I genuinely don’t know if she sleeps now) that upgraded to her saying “Uh-huh, yes” hundreds of times as if listening to a phone call. The next day and all night, she still couldn’t react to anyone but was singing nonsense songs. An improvement.
A CT scan didn’t show anything amiss. An MRI scan showed some likely swelling on the left side of the brain - cause unknown, but suspected to be a medication issue. The most likely culprit wasn’t even chemo but rather a powerful antiviral Kathy was being given intravenously because that’s standard procedure when chemo has destroyed (by design) someone's immune system. The next day (I think) which was yesterday, she had improved even more. A lot. She knew her name, knew where she was and was able to carry on actual (albeit limited) conversations with the people who came to the room to give her an EEG (brainwave) test. Her doctor was quite impressed with her progress and shared that Kathy’s blood numbers are currently looking good. However, she was becoming aware enough to also realize how confused she still was, and couldn’t understand that there had been missing days for her. She was also seeing things, though nothing too major for a brain hard at work repairing itself. Still, she started becoming agitated (not badly, but a bit) and it seemed a good time to call for some medication to help her rest (she hadn’t slept the previous night, having sung constantly all night).
A quick aside: we’ve now met nurses who are strong in every conceivable sense, smart, and angels of mercy. We’ve also met some who are dit-brains. On this particular occasion, we got the latter. She said that the usual tranquilizer of choice - Ativan - was forbidden by the doctor but he had authorized morphine or "Haladol." Morphine certainly seemed like overkill, so we thought that "Haladol" would be an okay tranquilizer. I can not begin to tell you how wrong we were.
When Kathy had Haldol (the nurse didn't even have the name right) injected into her line, she immediately had a panic reaction and labored breathing - not from allergic shock, but because of what the drug was doing to her. It was like she was plunging from a mental cliff.
“Oh yeah,” says the nurse. “It relaxes most people but it makes some people a lot worse.” Well THAT would have been a handy warning 5 minutes earlier. And it turns out that Haldol isn’t a tranquilizer at all - it’s a powerful anti-psychotic given to people having a psychotic episode. But for other people, it puts them into a psychotic state. And that’s what happened here.
I’m not going to go into details but it was bad. Horrible. Kathy developed off-the-charts paranoia and thought that I was at the center of a plot to murder her, everyone was in on it, and she was angry and physical about showing it. And more that I just won't ever talk about. By the way, at this point I still had NO idea what Haldol really was or what was really going on. “How long does it last?!” I asked. “About 12 hours” I was told. But that was wrong - because she should have been coming down about midnight, and didn’t. Not even barely.
By 3 a.m. I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to leave the room, having not really slept in about 48 hours. The "shaky floor" I've been standing on had become a swaying rope bridge. Nurses gave me permission to sleep on a leatherette couch under a cold window in a noisy public (but not busy) space. I’ve honestly never been more miserable in my life, but I slept. Or passed out.
When I got up the next morning and returned to the room, accompanied by one of the GREAT nurses, Kathy had calmed down a lot but was still in a very bad state. She was much more lethargic and had flattened affect, her voice had changed (sounding like another person), movement was hard (waxy flexibility - a symptom of schizophrenic catatonia), her breathing was labored, she believed that she was having constant epileptic seizures, and still held the idea that I was the villain in the piece although she allowed me to hold her hand and feed her spoonfuls of water.
And after a few hours, I ran like a scalded dog.
Seriously, I came home and am currently so guilt-ridden that I want to puke. But it wasn’t a totally irrational or (hopefully) cruel decision. The doctor still believed that the induced psychosis was medication-related and could clear her system in a couple of days - hopefully to find her recovering brain still recovering (the EEG test had come out good). During the time the drug would be clearing her system, there was very little I could do for Kathy and I was at absolute wit’s end - having lived in the hospital for the last 3 weeks and going through a rollercoaster of emotional events. Additionally, I wanted to see and comfort Daughter J, who has had to deal with all of this on her own. So I struck a deal with the doctor to get a two-day pass from the Covid lockdown as long as I didn’t interact with anyone who could be carrying Covid. Which currently is everyone in the world except Daughter J. Having that permission, I quickly packed some things and told Kathy that I was going to visit our daughter but would be back and that I loved her very much. The reaction I got wasn’t reciprocal, but that was the Haldol and not Kathy.
So I drove home (that’s a good choice when sleep-deprived, right?) and had a happy and emotional reunion with Daughter J, and then went into a spate of housecleaning. Just to put order to some things, or have some control over my environment. Just to interact with the familiar, and in spaces defined by Kathy. Just because I've been running on fumes and momentum and you can't just turn off momentum. And that brings us up to right now.
One of the kickers in all of this is that Kathy’s current blood numbers are looking good; it’s not impossible that she’s in remission. The bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Friday was moved to Monday, and that’s when I’m back with Kathy. If the results are good, then we’ll again have the job of getting Kathy healthy enough to have more effing chemo again to receive a stem cell transplant. If the marrow test is bad, then our options aren’t happy ones.
But the point is that there’s still some hope. And I couldn’t crash and take a long sleep tonight without first sharing that with you.
SUNDAY (Real-time as I write this at about noon Sunday)
I slept 10 hours and would still be asleep if my bladder was cooperating. It took me only a few groggy seconds to determine that I wasn't waking up refreshed and revitalized but dazed and with myriad pains as if I'd been hit by a bus.
I'm moving around slowly and doing more chores (even with Daughter J keeping up the house, lots of loose ends develop as the weeks pass). There is laundry to do. Checks to write. Personal pill cases to fill. Spoiled food to toss out.
I called into the hospital around 9 a.m. to see how Kathy was doing. She was sleeping and had apparently slept all night, which is encouraging news. Sleeping is hopefully healing. And tomorrow (Monday) I'll return to Kathy's side as they punch a hole in her pelvic bone and draw out the marrow to tell us if any of this had a point.
I'm really trying not to think beyond immediate and welcomely familiar tasks (like talking to you, right here, right now). Everything else is mentally off-limits; in a building fire, you're told to touch a door before opening it to determine if there are flames roaring on the other side. All of my mental doors are closed but searing to the touch. And I still have guilt, but I no longer feel like the worst person in the entire world. I just feel like a bad and weak person, so that's healing - right?
But I will continue to move sloth-like through this day and take pleasure in the company of my daughter and her dog. And I will hopefully join Kathy tomorrow, stronger, and find that she's coming back to reality. And for the love of God, let it finally be a better reality than this one.
90 comments:
Wow. That's a lot for anyone to handle. We'll certainly keep you in our prayers.
One personal bit of wisdom I learned when I dislocated my shoulder and was too tired of hospitals to go back to one:
The pain is there to teach us something. Don't waste any of it.
God bless the three of you.
Indeed, what you've been put through would have crushed a lesser person long ago.
I pray that I could hold up as well as you in such circumstances, but I fear that I wouldn't.
My prayers continue for the three of you. And for the medical folks attending.
For Kathy; Prayer for a Friend with Cancer
Father, my Miracle-Worker, You allow the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked. Though my friend is a wonderful person, they have found themselves embroiled in an extremely difficult battle with cancer. Lord, come and give him/her strength. Prepare them mentally, physically, and spiritually for this battle. Give them the faith and desire to fight and win. Amen.
For Stilton;Prayer for Guidance in Cancer Treatment
Most merciful God, the cancer-fighting process becomes both exhausting and disorienting. The sheer amount of treatment, schedules, and healthcare professionals my friend is interacting with during his cancer battle is overwhelming. Please simplify this process and guide my friend through this difficult maze. Give them clarity and peace of mind. Send caring people into his life so that this process becomes easier to navigate and manage. Amen.
Stilt, you're still in our prayers, having never left but now with more passion and depth. I can and do emphasize with you. When this is over, you and Kathy must take a cruze.
I too would like to think I could handle this much adversity, but I'm not sure that's true. All the best to you and yours.
Stilt, I continue to pray that you and your wife survive this ordeal.
Hang on to the positive, little bits of good news and hope. I am so sorry to read about your experience with the edit-nurse and the wrong medication, hope that is past now and what a sorry sad thing to put you both through. My Kathy's bone marrow test turn out well tomorrow and the blood count continue to improve blessing to all of you and hope is a good thing to hold on to at this time.
I plead with God on your behalf constantly. For His mercy to be sufficient.
Please. please. please. speak to a fierce attorney!!! That's my prayer for today.
That is SO wrong...
Dear God, please grant this good man strength and serenity.
Amen
Hang In there Stilts and pray
I am Praying for you and Kathy and your daughter.
I am 87 years old and have ten doctors on my payroll.
Just sit down and ask God to make it all better and soon. With the plan being you have to ask to receive! I will ask him to do this for you also!
In His Great Love, Bob
Oh, My Brother. We both know you are guilty of nothing--and because you are a man of great character, we both know you will still feel it, anyway.
No one could face what you've had to and not need to escape, if only long enough to get your second wind. Three weeks in the jail that passes for a hospital would have broken anyone in your situation, so who could fault you when you beloved Kathy went mad and you had to leave before she really hurt you?
You don't need to be told to "be strong"--it would be like telling steel to be unbending. You have demonstrated your strength time and again, and it took that same strength to know when to step back before you, too, went mad.
My prayers continue, as do those of all of us in your Choir Invisible, and will not stop before the story has been told.
I respect you greatly, Sir.
TVAG
Oh, Stilt, this is a tough one to read but because we have all been with you during this crisis, thank you for letting us know.
I am sure you are aware your body is reacting to the stress and physical & mental exhaustion - I believe what you are experiencing is PTSD, so do not beat yourself up; guilt is a man-made emotion.
We’re praying Mrs J’s numbers hold and everything else falls into line, that God brings Mrs J to a safer shore with good news, and your family be reunited in your home sooner than later.
Much admiration for your family’s fortitude from our home to yours.
Hello Stilton,
Your screed brought tears to my eyes.
I'm 82 years old, drove an ambulance in a war zone, tended my father and mother when they were in bad health, and thought I could not cry again.
I know that it is tough when you're with her and when you are away from her.
She knows that you love her, and hears your words even when it seems that she does not.
Peace be upon both of you,
Bill Moore
I don't think Hollywood could write a script more nightmarish than this. I cannot even contemplate what you are going through but please cut yourself a break. You know this isn't real but medication induced, and you need your strength for the back nine. Praying for the best possible outcome for the bone marrow scan.
(hugs) Can't offer much more, my brother.
keep the faith brother man
Ditto what smokepile said.
All the best!🙏🏻
Haldol is used in the treatment of certain mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia. I don't understand why Kathy would have been prescribed this stuff, nor why they thought it was indicated. It might be the reason for slurred speech and/or other side effects.
I join with Smokepole in prayer and faith:
For Kathy; Prayer for a Friend with Cancer
Father, my Miracle-Worker, You allow the sun to shine on the just and the unjust. The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked. Though my friend is a wonderful person, they have found themselves embroiled in an extremely difficult battle with cancer. Lord, come and give him/her strength. Prepare them mentally, physically, and spiritually for this battle. Give them the faith and desire to fight and win. Amen.
For Stilton; Prayer for Guidance in Cancer Treatment
Most merciful God, the cancer-fighting process becomes both exhausting and disorienting. The sheer amount of treatment, schedules, and healthcare professionals my friend is interacting with during his cancer battle is overwhelming. Please simplify this process and guide my friend through this difficult maze. Give them clarity and peace of mind. Send caring people into his life so that this process becomes easier to navigate and manage, amen.
Please give comfort and strength to the Caregiver. Amen.
From your electronic device to God's eyes. May this (Please, God!) be the turning point in this horrible saga. Prayers continue, and intensify!
I'm very glad you got a little sleep and a little rest. I'm sure it does you good, even if it doesn't seem like it (right now). Glad you got to spend some time with your daughter. I'm sure it was a little stressful as you probably edited your comments to her and tried to put a positive slant on things for her (Daughter J).
Really sad the attending did not warn you about the possible side effects (or actual possible real effects) of Haldol. Very bad way for you both to learn it.
So glad Kathy is getting some sleep. I very much hope the effects of the Haldol have gone when you return to her side.
Thanks for keeping us all up to date. Please take care of yourself.
Care giving for a person with a critical illness is difficult and taxing, requiring the kind of good nurses you have described. Care giving for a loved one with a critical illness is difficult, taxing, and agonizing in ways nothing else is. Kathy and you are in my prayers daily - for healing, for physical, mental and spiritual strength for the day, and for rest in God's hand.
Stilton, after reading about Kathy's illness, and the care you have given her, I cannot tolerate your claim of any guilt. You have been kind, considerate and caring beyond all human capacity. You owe it to yourself to accept that you have done what is possible in this horrid set of circumstances. This will allow you to continue on to what we all hope is a successful conclusion of her hospital care.
Kathy and Daughter J are blessed to have a brave rock to hold onto during trying times.
Do not feel guilty. As a medical professional, I can tell you that as a caregiver it is essential and important that you care for yourself, so that you are able to again care for your loved one. Keep the faith and keep storming heaven with your prayers. Holding Kathy, you and daughter J close in thought and prayer.
Keep on fighting the good fight, Stilton. You and Kathy are a heck of a team. Continued prayers that you both get through this and can go home!
God give you strength!
Ditto to all of the above comments. And to Smokepole's: amen v'amen!
Stilt, as I noted before, my commenting here may be somewhat intermittent, but my prayers are not. Kathy and Daughter J AND YOU get explicit mention daily.
Virtual-embracing the whole family!
I will double down on all the great thoughts, wishes, prayers and advice above. I especially resonate with TVAG's. Take care of yourself and good luck this week!
Stilt, praying for all three of you, with daughter replaced with in in the hierarchy by you. Us older guys never remember we have to try to stay health for when the immediate crisis is passed and we still have to get her recovered at home. My lovely couldn't get out of Costa Rica for 10 days with COVID and I had it here so we're both sick and thousands of miles apart. Though I might make it and so worried about her. Keep fighting and push for clarity all the time if any doubt. Haladol is big time antipsychotic and sound like dr1 didn't talk to dr2 and the nurse is in the wrong field. Looks better. Let us know as soon as you know the results tomorrow. Ain't brothers but both Texas guys and nearly the same things.
@Readers- Well, you've got me crying again (in a quiet, manly manner) but in a welcome and cathartic way. Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. My brains would rattle around in a thimble right now so I can't respond to specific comments, although I'll address a couple. "Getting a fierce lawyer" certainly has an emotional appeal, but it would be pointless because the drug was, in fact, administered in what's considered a medically acceptable application. Not that I won't physically rip the heart out of anyone who gets near Kathy with a syringe of that shit in the future.
UTI's were mentioned, but Kathy doesn't have that going on (or at least didn't at the time - lacking mental capability, she had to be catheterized at the same time as having diarrhea...not the best way to keep a catheter clean, but the nurses were exemplary about changing her).
The comment was made that it was good for me to beat a tactical retreat before Kathy hurt me. To be clear, while her words stung I knew they weren't coming from her. The hurt was my heart breaking. Especially since I didn't know at the time that this even MIGHT be temporary - I thought she might be gone forever.
Reading about Haloperidol I came across this: "When administered intravenously, haloperidol has a bioavailability of 100%. The onset of action occurs within seconds and lasts for around four to six hours. The T1/2 is just over 26 hours." That's exactly what happened here: it hit her 100% within seconds and was terrifyingly severe. From what I read about the half-life it may take 4-5 days to completely clear her system. I can deal with that as long as it seems there's incremental progress soon.
In the meanwhile, thank you again for your support and prayers.
And because I haven't given you anything to laugh about recently, let's try this: when Kathy was coming back from her FIRST brain-damaging med reaction, she was asked some standard questions...
"What's your name?"
"Kathy"
"Where are you?"
"Hospital"
"Who is the current President?"
"Fuck head."
To which I added, "That needs to count as right."
Kathy is lucky to have you in her life. Stay strong!
You are on my prayer list. Stay strong!
Stilton,
I have been on your site for approximately a year, so am somewhat up to speed with the unreal world your wife and you are dealing with. I honestly don't know how you are still holding up and able to write and design such a professional site and mailing.
Both of you are doing what has to be done but...If I were a close friend of yours I could only recommend you take better care of yourself and than could continue caring for Kathy. Take many more breaks from the hospital room life so perhaps you can recharge. I will continue to send my good thoughts to both of you.
Skip
The guilt is hard to deal with, but shows how tremendous a caregiver you are. It's normal, and you will get through it.
Prayers.
The Lord is with you in your storm.....lean on Him for your strength....sending up many prayers for all of you....
I am inspired by your courage, humor, and fortitude. I've experienced scary hospital situations and understand the need for a break and admire you for actually taking one. So glad to hear that your daughter is doing well! Praying constantly for all of you and believing for miracles to rain down on your family!
Yikes! What you are doing for love. Your Love is off the scale Epic.
Much respect.
And prayers ascending, now with even more fervor.
Your post is astounding, upsetting, inspiring, and the anecdote hilarious! Kathy was definitely right about the current president. Continued prayers for you all.
I can't offer much more than what previous posters have said: stay strong, keep the faith, and know that we are sending virtual hugs, positive thoughts, and prayers to all of you.
My dear friend, I know so much of what you are going through as I went through similar with my wife and please do NOT let the guilt overwhelm you- it is a simple fact that sometimes, being in the room with someone can not help them and can be devastatingly bad for your own health, physical, mental and emotional. BTW, never feel reluctant to very firmly insist on being told everything about any new meds, insist on knowing its uses, side effects and interactions with other drugs. I knew that Haldol was a pretty potent anti psychotic , they once gave that to my father when he was in the hospital and when his regular physician came in the next day, he raised Hell with the ones who had done so. I don't know why Ativan was not used as it is generally a pretty safe anti anxiety drug but I am sure the doc had his reasons. So please remember do yur best to take care of YOU, because your bride needs you to be healthy and strong for her. I pray for your whole family intensely every day and night, God be with you.
Kathy spoke with absolute clarity when she was asked who the president was. She made me chuckle. I remember the names my husband was calling one particular dit-brain nurse (most being FABULOUS) when he was on anti-psychotics following lung cancer surgery this past July. It has been a wild ride to health. I truly understand everything you write about the medical roller coaster we continue to ride with CT's and MRI's every three months. Your story is compelling and I pray for Kathy's recovery and yours. Thank you for your posts that I relish every time.
@Readers/Dear Friends- I'm happy to report that when I checked in with the day nurse a short while ago, she reports that Kathy is improving. That's huge. I don't expect her to snap back immediately, but hearing that the effects are diminishing has lifted my spirits immensely. As have all of you.
You are both still in our prayers. So good to hear there's improvement!
Please don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. If you don't, there will be two that need help. You need to have your cup filled so you have something to share. May God restore you and give you peace.
I'm finding words hard to come by, so I'll keep this short. You have my total admiration for what you have done over the last many months for the woman that you love. Whatever the outcome - and I'm praying for the best - you should feel no guilt. I'm sure that Kathy feels your love, even if not so for a few days. She is lucky to have you, and you her. I will continue to pray for the three of you..
My prayers continue, Stilt - and my siblings are praying for Kathy’s recovery as well.
My heart just breaks for you, Kathy, and your daughter. You have all gone through so much. I pray for healing and comfort for you all.
We'll pray for you, you just pray praise to the Lord Jesus.
👏
@Stilton: Good to hear she's snapping back! And she's definitely right about President Fuckhead.
Prayers are with you guys Stilt, as always. Glad to see she at least remembers who's President. Stay strong, and know we are here to catch ya if ya fall and to always lend an ear when needed.
No one could ever doubt that you are a devoted husband and father. Prayers for your family during this difficult time.
You are a loving and devoted husband. It is just an overwhelming exhausting situation. Please don't feel guilty for what you can't do. Prayers for you, Cathy, and your daughter.
Sounds like hell, alright. I nursed my mother through her last days before pancreatic cancer claimed her. But it never got near as bad as you just described. Naturally, you have my full sympathy and support, for whatever that's worth. You're a good man. Hang in there, and for chrissake, take care of yourself, too!
What the tall Icelander said. :)
Been there, done that. Wife had a deep-brain bleed, enough to push the whole thing forward an inch or more, and the doctors diagnosed it as a diabetic episode because her blood sugars were high. Guess what happens when you have a brain injury? It wasn't until she painted the nurses' station in the ER with a year's worth of vomit that we got actual action. Which turned into a transfer to another hospital at 3AM, waiting around to find out they didn't want to talk to me, being shunned by everyone, and...
Then there was the time they put her on a ventilator and had to give her extreme drugs to keep her from pulling out the tubes. Yeah, that made no sense.
The only thing you can do is take care of yourself, and when you come in, tell her what day it is, the time, what happened, repeat it, and then when she falls asleep and/or forgets it all, repeat it.
Post-hospital, if she's having speech problems, put a tv show on that she'll yell at. For my wife it was "Chopped." Two weeks of yelling "Not the Truffle Oil!" and other things not mentionable got her speech up to mostly snuff.
Hang in there. Hospitals are hell on Earth, only made bearable by good docs and nurses.
Bad ones? Report it to your wife's attending doctor and her family doctor and to anyone who will or has to listen. Bullscat like "Haladal" is why death-by-medical-misadventure is like #3 on the ways to die. Take notes, don't be hostile but...
God bless you and your family. Better times are ahead.
Oh Sweetie, so many, many virtual hugs for you guys and as many prayers as I can muster. (I am dealing with my mom who is in the throes of dementia and it ain't any fun, but just slightly more fun than your job.) Please don't feel guilty, you have to take care of yourself too, so you can take care of Kathy. And sometimes that means running away and hiding. You will go back and that's all that matters. We love you guys.
You are SO not a bad person! Why they still give people Haldol -- and why nurses who don't know their arse from a hole in the ground are still allowed around patients -- is beyond me. My father had that reaction, too, but the shorter version of it. You, your wife, and daughter J are always in our prayers. I read your "letters" to my husband, and he's amazed at your strength -- all of you!
My husband isn't a gourmet sort, so he honestly thinks your last name is Jarlsberg. God knows who we mean, and Jarlsberg is good enough for all of us.
I'm also amazed at your strength.
I wish I was half as good a person as you.
Stilton.....
My heart cries for you and Kathy. Continued prayers for you both. Prayers for strength, healing and peace.
Stay strong for Kathy.
Wayne in Indiana
You and she have been going through quite a rollercoaster of medical mayhem. I pray that she recovers sooner than later. If suffering makes you stronger, you and she should be able to benchpress a Buick by now. My condolences.
That's horrible Mr. J. I hate that you had to go through i tbut I pray for continued improvements.
In the dark hours of the early morning, when I talk to God and He patiently listens, your family's name is coming up frequently lately.
This morning, I believe He asked me, "What if it were the other way around? If this had to happen, what if it were Stilton in the bed, and Kathy keeping watch?"
I do not presume to know the ways of God, but it seems this is the best way for this to happen. Who would keep us informed of all this? Think of all the prayers for your family every day, just because you have the strength to share your story.
I think your strength is spreading beyond Kathy's hospital room to a lot of us cranky old f*rts who forgot what we were taught in our younger years. Your family is bringing some of us back to where we belong.
God in His mercy bless you all and keep you safe.
If our Father in heaven has some good news via the crazy medical community, may that good come now. May you, Kathy, and daughter J find comfort in knowing that you are loved. You all are in our prayers.
More prayers for you and your family.
Yes all three of you are loved. If everyone on this page could take turns sitting with with Kathy so you could take a break, I sure we all would do just that. You are so brave and strong. You are showing us all how to care for our beloved family. Prayers to our Father in Heaven for nothing but good news from now on. Rest when you can.
At nursing facilities, they commonly give morphine injections to residents who are in pain and at the throes of death so as to ease their pain. Was your wife in extreme pain so as to be prescribed morphine?
I work as a CNA (Certified Nurses' Aide) at a rehabilitation facility here in NJ.
I simply can't imagine.
No, you aren't a bad person. In Kathy's drug-induced state, your presence at that point wasn't helping in any meaningful way. You were tired, beyond exhausted. Going home to rest and regroup was the rational choice. And if Kathy needs anything, it's for you to remain rational while she's in no state to be anything.
I'm at least grateful that you had Daughter J and her dog there for you. I couldn't imagine going home to an empty house after all that. (Dogs are so helpful at times like this; they know how to respond)
I am praying that today goes much better. And at some point you can laugh at at least some of this.
@Friends- I’m back in the saddle here at Kathy’s bedside and am beyond happy to report that the psychotic episode has passed. She still has healing to do (including from the brain condition BEFORE the drug misadventure), but is friendly, loving, and conversant. And confused, having missing days and nights and dreams/nightmares which her brain treated as reality. She doesn’t remember much of it at this point and I’m not pressing. I’m just beyond grateful for where we’re at just now.
The visit home was a mixed blessing but a blessing all the same. WONDERFUL to spend time with our daughter and do some things to feel “normal.” Last night we watched a dumb but enjoyable horror movie (Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark) and had popcorn as a way of giving the finger to the forces trying to beat us down.
Kathy had the bone marrow test this morning, so now we wait a few days for results. I hope we haven’t used up all our miracles.
I’ve got no words to express how much your kindness, support, and personal experiences mean to me. Someone mentioned that this great crew would gladly take shifts sitting with Kathy if you could. But in a sense you already are, just by keeping me propped up and encouraged.
@mahamis asked if Kathy was in extreme pain to have morphine on the menu. And the answer is “nope.” When asked if she had any pain at all, the answer was no (as it almost always is). All we wanted was a simple calming agent like ativan or a cup of chamomile tea, but the choices approved by the doctor were only coma inducing or madness inducing.
@John the Econ mentioned the benefit of dogs at time like this and I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that dogs have “communicable zen,” and that with the laying on of your hand, you can actually clear your mind of negative thoughts and simply share the dog’s perspective: “We’re in a comfy place. Everything seems okay. Contact is nice.” Ladybug (the vicious face-eating pitbull) did that for me in spades.
@Stilt, if Mrs. J has missing time, just think of the stories you could make up about what she (allegedly) did and said after she recovers from this and is back home for good.
Now I want a T-shirt that says "LET'S GO, FUCK HEAD!" Do you think anyone will fail to know who that is?
All I can think of is to endure. May you both endure this.
"...and dreams/nightmares which her brain treated as reality."
Just don't let her watch the news, especially now that we're living the reality/parody inversion. That would really irredeemably mess her up.
Dogs: I think I've mentioned here before that I used to do pet therapy with our dog, Odie, and was a board member of our local organization. One of my favorite visits to do was at our local hospice, largely because it was a visit that a lot of people were not comfortable with but I had no problem doing. It never ceased to amaze me as to how he instinctively knew what a particular patient needed from him. Sometimes it was a playful smile and kisses on the nose. Sometimes it was tricks. Other times he knew the person just wanted some peace and on his own he'd just calmly lie down next to them and let them stroke his fur.
When my father-in-law started dying of lymphoma, the dog instinctively knew it. When we'd go and visit, he'd run into the house and instead of seeking out my mother-in-law for the usually anticipated treats, he'd jump up onto my father-in-law's chair where he was sitting and wedge himself beside him, as if he was keeping him warm.
And I did witness genuine miracles. At one visit to an "adult day care", there was one relatively young woman who was blind and for whom everyone had assumed was mute. For years I'd place my dog on her lap and she'd just sit there and stroke his fur. After one visit, I said, "Okay, it's time to go", and as I picked up my dog, she said "Bye, Odie". Everyone looked over in amazement. Nobody, including the staff knew she could speak at all. But she did for my dog.
Ladybug knows what you need. Take advantage of that as much as possible.
Still praying. Kyrie eleison.
OMG Stilton. I'm the one feeling guilty after reading your heart-rending account. I'm feeling sorry for myself because of severe flu-like symptoms (corona?) and awaiting results from a bioposy last Friday. I honestly cannot fathom what you and your family are going through. Daily prayers continue for you and yours, and members of my family who are fighting various maladies. This getting old stuff is for the birds. Stay strong my friend.....
@Readers- Tuesday morning and still nothing but improvement for Kathy which is wonderful. She got a good night's sleep and that's really a great healer. Her primary doctor dropped in this morning to say we may have preliminary results from her marrow test today, so that's terrifying. And his assistant helpfully added that we won't have final results for two days, so I'm also confused. Not that this is a new state for me.
"Real Kathy" is definitely back, albeit a bit understandably confused, so it's a great day so far.
@John the Econ- Wonderful story about Odie. I believe dogs are essential to our mental wellbeing. Essential.
@TrickyRicky- My prayers (a new tool that I'm still getting the hang of) are with you and I'm hoping that biopsy comes back as nothing to worry about or at the very least something that can be dealt with.
Welcome back, "Real Kathy". You were missed.
New prayers for good news today.
Prayers continue for all of you. I am so happy to hear that Kathy has come through that horrible incident, and that reports are encouraging about her healing. Y'know, God has infinite miracles up His sleeve, and we're all asking Him to show you more.
Keeping you all in my prayers
@Readers- Wednesday afternoon here and things continue to go well with Kathy's mental recovery. Like, AMAZINGLY well. Granted, Kathy is weak as a kitten, has no immune system, and uncontrolled pooping - but if you're going to complain about every little thing you're never going to have fun.
The big concern now is what the result of her bone marrow biopsy will be. Yesterday the doctor said he'd have the results that day, so we waited and waited to see if the Emperor of Marrow was going to give "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" to the bloody and battered in the arena. But no, he never came back to tell us anything. But we were told he'd almost surely have that life-or-death verdict by this morning (Weds). And he didn't, though he did come by to say "tomorrow."
This feels a lot like having a guy tell you in complete and believable sincerity "I will return to you in this room sometime tomorrow, at which point I may or may not shoot you to death." Anxiety-producing is putting it mildly. I feel like Javier Bardem's killer-for-hire in "No Country For Old Men" is doing his dead-eyed stare as he watches a coin flipping in slow motion in mid-air. Heads or tails. Live or die.
Or maybe it won't be like that at all. Or maybe it will. Your thoughts, good wishes, and prayers are greatly appreciated. I love you folks.
And unfortunately you can't tase the doktor when he delays..... Hmmmmm.
When you need accurate and reliable information you want the real stuff and I am so sorry that you all are having these delays. It is wonderful to hear that Kathy is achieving some progress and now we will pray for a positive outcome of her test on Monday.
Stilt,
As much as you love Kathy and as much as a real man such as yourself will fight to deaths door for the woman he loves, you also need to understand that you are of no use to her if you end up at a point of exhaustion laying in a hospital bed. So, don't be so hard on yourself for getting a good night's sleep and taking a short break from a very stressful situation. Taking care of yourself so you can take care of Kathy is in itself an act of love. Please remember that.
What Gonzo said (above).
Along with a few words that I pray will help give you comfort and grace.
“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.” - Unknown
Stay strong, brother.
Stilt, we are like that stain in the bottom of your coffee cup. We aren't leaving. We aren't fading away. We are here for the duration. Our prayers and meditations toward you and your family will continue. You are not alone. In fact, you are in a very large crowd of people that love you, Kathy, and daughter J. Much love, Glen and Sioux.
I see you're a fan of Hieronymus Bosch...
Well done, Stilt.
Still praying for you, your wife, and your whole family.
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