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| "This is your captain speaking. We're not actually moving yet." |
It's been a while since I've mentioned my "wobbly floors" problem, but it's never gone away. Nor has it changed much; some days it's very minor and other days (like today) it's more annoying. I'll finally be able to consult my doctor about it next week, but I think I've identified my malady by searching the Internet (doctors love it when you do that!).
Unfortunately, the condition has a French name that makes it sound sort of candy-assed: "Mal de Disembarquement Syndrome." According to Google, it's "a rare and poorly understood disorder of the vestibular system that results in a phantom perception of self-motion typically described as rocking, bobbing, or swaying. The symptoms tend to be exacerbated when a patient is not moving, for example when seated or standing still."
As you can guess from the name, this is an affliction usually associated with disembarking from a ship or jet and then still feeling like your body is in motion. It can also happen spontaneously. And it tends to just go away in a couple of hours for most people...except when it doesn't. It's also most common in women, so perhaps I've been a little too confident in my gender self-assessment up until now.
One of the treatments for the condition is to actually put the patient on a jet or ship, after which in some cases the symptoms disappear upon disembarkment. Or, if you land in gay Paree, disembarquement. So maybe Medicare should just put my happy ass in a first-class jet seat to some tropical resort for awhile. Although the way the government spends money, I'll probably end up getting an open-air ride with a crop duster.
In other news...
• It's now been a full month since we lost Kathy. Daughter J and I are doing reasonably well all considered, although the whole surreal situation still sucks and hurts like bejeezus. I've barely made a dent in all the things that need to be done, but I've made a serious dent in our grocery store's junk food aisle. I've fallen into an unfortunate habit of binge-eating and have put on almost 20 pounds. Fortunately, if inflation continues to be a factor I soon won't be able to afford the vast quantity of barbecue chips and Nutty Buddy bars that my psyche is prompting me to gorge on.
• For those of you who haven't read the comments section from my last post, The Mysterious Interview went well last week and it looks like I'll be in the upcoming documentary at least a wee bit. And while it's fun to be vague about the details of the documentary, there are also a couple of pragmatic reasons that I'm not saying much yet. The first is that I signed a non-disclosure agreement. The second is that I don't want the "cancel culture" cultists to associate this blog (and other politically incorrect aspects of my life) with what I was doing 30 years ago. But all can be revealed when the documentary airs in August.
And by the way, the 30-year-old bottle of Scotch didn't even get opened. The documentary crew decided they wanted to do a little more shooting at another location and it didn't seem like a good idea, liability-wise, to be pouring alcohol into them before they hit the road. SOooo, that pricey bottle of Scotch is now a family heirloom or an investment or something. If I ever tap it, I'll certainly give a review here.
• I'm still avoiding the news in general because, and please correct me if I'm wrong, it still sounds incredibly stupid and depressing. I did see that Joe Biden is going to help out America's working class by authorizing the sale of E15 gasoline that will be a dime a gallon cheaper because it's 15% ethanol made from preposterously expensive corn subsidized by our tax dollars. Granted, "gasoline" with that much ethanol will damage most internal combustion engines and cause gaskets and other parts to fail, but there's absolutely no other alternative to bring down gas prices. Well, other than to repeal the Biden policies that have ruined America's energy independence. Or maybe just knock a dime off the damn federal taxes on gasoline. But hey, destroying engines is good too.
• And finally, because we desperately need something colorful to break up all this text, I was recently browsing video projectors on Amazon and had a genuine WTF moment when looking at this ad promising "greater enjoyment" of what's on the screen...
And this, my friends, is why I drink cheap Scotch.
51 comments:
Glad you and Daughter J are progressing. It isn't easy as I know from experience. Hope they can figure out your "moving" problem and get you back on an solid ground permanently. Blessing to both of you!
Oh my God, that ad absolutely deserves good Scotch, maybe even a nice stiff Rum and Coke! That is about as tasteless as they come, and possibly even seriously tacky. Bless their hearts, and you know what I mean with that!!
On the other side, my doc rolls her eyes, just a little, when I mention looking things up on the...gasp...interwebs, lol. She's pretty good about it usually as I try to do what she wants. Have you checked your blood pressure lately? I can't imagine why it would be high with your calm and boring life but you never know. I can tell mine is up since I'm having dizzy spells and those normally aren't a thing. Though this time of year it could be the raging spring allergies, too. i love spring but my body absolutely refuses to cooperate.
Don't worry about getting through the chores, unless they are absolutely necessary. Enjoy the nice weather while it lasts the rest of the week (summer will be here soon, unfortunately). Sit outside if you can, maybe even throw rocks at something like pictures of a certain Brandon? Tack them up on your back fence and have at?
For even greater enjoyment, they promise to strap "go-pro" cameras on the jumpers next time!
I've been offline since March 14 (ISP issues) and have just heard about Kathy.
I'm sorry, there are no words but I wish there were.
You and J will be in my thoughts and prayers.
And speaking of ethanol, I read a while back that a certain fellow from Chicago profited from its use in gasoline. And he was the most responsible for its use. 'Nuff said. Fortunately, there's a station down the road that sells unadulterated gas for a premium price. Plus, I can think of a better use for corn. On another front, I pray that everyone has a wonderful and holy weekend.
@Mike ~ winner!
You are traveling on a hard, stony road, but at least you are moving. And you have a bottle of hooch as a reward, if needed.
You were blessed with a wife of great worth, as few men are blessed. And you fought hard for her. I respect that.
Let her memory guide you to a continuing life that shows her goodness. I have prayers ascending for continual progress.
I had that problem, with the dizziness and shit. I got cheaters for reading. Take 'em off BEFORE standing. Took me years to figure it out.
Sad part is, I can imagine some Millenial graphic designer going, "Oh, that happened before I was born, who'll care anyhow?"
Pfui.
Glad to read you are slowly but steadily moving forward. Can't imagine what needs to be taken care of in light of your wife's passing, but formidable is probably is. Here we have yet to create a will and should one of us pass before we do have a will, talk about a mess.
Might I suggest a bottle of Roku gin? It's far more pleasant and delicate than the usual stuff one sees on the shelf. First time I've had gin neat.
Yes, the news is depressing, but a couple of things keeps me going. One, the more Joe le Petomane (HT Mel Brooks) F's up, the greater the joy will be after mid-term election day. Second, I keep a folder open for keeper memes etc., concerning Joe le Petomane and periodically email them out to those who will appreciate them and those who won't, along with snappy subject lines like, 'Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I Say FJB and You Should Too'.
And yes, that screen shot is WTF, and beyond.
👍👍👍👍
Stilton, sorry to hear of your mal de debarquement woes. My wife developed those symptoms after a 5 day freighter trip in 2015. It took quite a while for the accurate diagnosis to be had and she finally found a doctor who specialized in that malady. She was assured that it would be cured by administration of Paxil. Unfortunately, she had a bad reaction to the medication, that being coughing fits to the point of barfing, multiple times a day. She decided the cure was worse than the symptoms and discontinued the Paxil regimen. We took the same trip in 2017 and hoped the bobbing and weaving of the vessel would cure her. No such luck, she deals with the room spinning symptoms to this day.
Regarding the scotch, don't save it forever, it was meant to be enjoyed!
May you and daughter J be blessed. Remember that you only have to face one day at a time, and you don't have to do everything at once. Take time to breathe!
You are such a strong man and I am sure your daughter is strong too. Nancy's post is right on the spot. Rest, breathe and eat what you want now. You will have plenty of time working in your flower garden and yard care too to wear off those extra pounds. If you are now up from taking one second of a time and even one minute at a time that is wonderful. Time is on your side believe it or not. Prayers always coming your way.
You did miss a bird shitting on Joe Biden. That was worth a peek at the news!
Ethanol: Since ethanol has a lower heat content that gasoline, the more of it that is in your fuel means that you'll be getting less mileage. E10 has been reducing your fuel economy by 3% to 4%. E15 will reduce it by 4% to 5%.
So that dime per gallon you supposedly saved at the pump will actually cost you at least two dimes in lost mileage.
Thanks, Joe!
(This was actually a vote buying scheme for Democrats in the corn belt. Expect much more vote buying before November. It's their only hope)
Good to hear from you, @Stilton.
JIMTAB M22 9/11 demo screen. Not surprising: "Country of Origin China."
They don't even try to be civil any more.
Best to you and your daughter, this will take some time. In the mean time don't let that bottle of $200 scotch age too much longer. Enjoy it now. BTW, in case ya missed it, a pidgeon tried to shit on numb-nutz head and hit his lapel instead! Good times !! Thanks, stay well !
And right on cue the media whores are claiming that it wasn't bird shit on Bite-me, it was corn.
Strange that a pile of corn to the left of him as the video plainly shows would somehow cause corn to drop from directly above him. I would also think that corn kernels would perhaps land on a lapel and fall of, not splatter and slide down the lapel leaving a streak.
I guess they MIGHT be right though. After all birds do eat corn, and what they do not digest proceeds to squirt out on deserving politicians as bird shit! Reminds me of George Carlin saying in a routine that there was no difference between someone going bananas or going ape shit.
Stilt,
Whenever I have a touch of Mal de Disembarquement Syndrome, I go to an amusement park, ride all the rides, especially the roller coasters, blindfolded and with a large cork in my mouth. Remove the blindfold and cork between rides. Works every time.
Please accept my belated condolences. Many prayers for you and your family, go and live life boldly as she would have wanted.
And right on cue the media whores are claiming that it wasn't bird shit on Bite-me, it was corn.
I saw people who believed it was a bird being mocked for that, like "duh, it was an inside event". Looked to be large building - machinery shed perhaps? I have seen birds flying around in Home Depot - they sometimes get around the netting that separates the outside yards (lumber and landscape supplies) from the retail sections.
Stilt
I forgot the ear plugs. Blindfold, cork and ear plugs. All in jest. I’m not a doctor but if I put on a lab coat I could play one. I was inspired by your cartoons, leading me to the dark side. Hope you and your daughter heal soon. Ben
UPDATE about the 9/11 photo. I was sufficiently put off by this that I went to Amazon and posted a question about it - the question and reply are as follows=
Why does the third picture down in the series, show the 9/11 terrorist attack? showcasing the death of thousands of people??"
They answered:
"Dear, Thank you very much for your interest in jimtab m22 short throw projector. Thank you very much for paying attention to the details of the third picture. Because 9/11 happened in 2001. Exactly 20 years ago. M22 hopes to express our thoughts and remembrance for the victims of 9/11. Hope for world peace.Looking forward to a better life. Thanks JIMTAB Support"
@ BEN - are you telling us that Madame Domina supervises your visits to the, uh, amusement park? ;o)
I used to get that weird disembarquement motion feeling after the first few times I went to sea while I was in the Navy, especially after the time we were out for a week in a storm. It stopped after just a couple months. Then it sort of came back once, 5 or 6 years after I got out of the Navy, when I tried to sleep after driving for most of a day. It felt just like trying to sleep while the ship was rolling in about 6-foot swells. I kinda liked it.
Still following and praying for you, Stilt. (Can't get too many good wishes with the Father) I lost my Angel July 2020 and lost 20 pounds from depression and lack of wanting to eat. Good example of YMMV. Please reach out to me. xringer22@sbcglobal.net
Gropin' Joe, someday folks are going to want to EAT that corn, ya moron!
Concerning your $200 scotch gift to yourself, consider this: what if a giant, flaming meteor the size of Kansas were to crash into Lubbock tomorrow afternoon? When you stand for your Final Judgement, how are you going to explain having "saved it for a special occasion?"
NOW is a special occasion. Don't risk losing it to a cosmic catastrophe.
@Readers- Your comments buoy me nicely, though I don't have enough wind in my sails today to respond properly. Not that I'm doing terribly today - it's just that writing takes thinking and right now my survival strategy is to avoid thinking as much as possible. Much like the old fart in the oval office!
But @Stilt, there's a world of difference between why you aren't thinking and why Gropey Joe isn't thinking.
Stilt, my friend, you must never feel a need to respond. We're all just sittin' back, sittin' here, lovin' you and daughter J. Way back when I was a very energetic young boy, sometimes my mother would say: "Dammit, Skeeter, cool your jets!" I usually did, otherwise I would risk an ass beating. All I'm suggesting is every once in a while, is put that brain in neutral and let it coast. Love, Glen and Sioux.
@Stilton & Murphy AZ
https://robbreport.com/food-drink/spirits/yamazaki-50-year-old-first-release-rare-bottle-bonhams-auction-1234674680/
Trust me on this. It will take time. How long? All the time that YOU need, not the time other people say you are allowed. Avoid getting mired in grief. That stuff is sticky and will suck you under if you let it.
And, if you lean toward really bad Scotch, try Military Special Blended Scotch Whiskey. It is lovely. It has the discreet undertones of transmission and hydraulic fluid all at once. And, as I discovered on Saturday, it will kill stinging insects on contact.
Be Blessed. Jesus Loves You. And so do we.
Belated condolences Sir Stiltonian. Hang in there as best you can after your ordeal. Best always.
Stilton,
Dr. Muenster says, DRINK IT!
I'm wondering if that motion syndrome might be a version of an ailment I encountered about twenty years ago. I had severe vertigo after a bout of flu, or similar. If I was vertical for more than maybe 20 seconds, my internal gyro would tumble and I would fall down. Lasted a month. All the medical people I mentioned it to concluded that it was caused by a stroke. Eventually a CAT Scan determined that I had not had a stroke. When I talked to a nurse about it later, she stated that there is a crystal buildup inside the ear that causes the malady, and there is a process of head movements that is used to dislodge them to fix the problem. No idea what this condition is labeled with, but I would not be surprised if a mild version might be the cause of your malady.
"Mal de Disembarquement Syndrome." Isn't that what sailors used to call sea legs? Get off the ship after a voyage and the ground is moving under you for a few hours.
Also what Will said; there is a condition caused by crystal build-up in the inner ear called Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. Roll over in bed and you feel dizzy. There are a series of exercises that can help with it a lot. I've had something like it, and I think it is made worse by sinus issues. Which are pretty common in the very dry low pressure air of the cabin in a jet.
I've also had BPV. The exercises are simple and can be done sitting up. Look into that, Stilton.
Stilt,
Although my vertigo was caused by a car accident and is different in some ways from what you describe, I also had some of your issues. I was prescribed "antivert" which as I understand it calms or slows down nerve impulses that are telling you where your appendages are, which is a component of balance. It worked pretty well and I found no side affects. It didn't stop all the problems because they were pretty profound but it gave me considerable relief.
John
Stilt and Daughter J, as others have stated, you take however much time YOU need, not whatever someone else has decreed. And don't feel you have to respond -- just know we're here with you.
So if I were in Biden's situation, I hope I would be quick-witted enough to reply on the spot something like this: Well, there's been left-wing commentary and right-wing commentary -- now I'm even getting commentary from the middle of the bird!
(And those saying it was just corn -- I dare ya to eat it!)
@Readers (Dear friends all)- I don't have any actual news, but I wanted to drop in and thank you all for the kind words. Even though I haven't been super communicative, it sure helps to know you're there.
Daughter J and I continue to do "okay-ish" with occasional cloudbursts. My visit to the doctor on Monday for my "wobbles" didn't do anything other than put the condition on the "wait and watch" radar. The visit to the doctor was rough, though, because it turns out I'm very easily triggered by all things medical now. Or even being asked my name and birthdate (really) because Kathy had to tell people those things 20 times a day.
I have no clue whatsoever about what comes next in life or what to do with myself (or by myself). This is why I'm concentrating on one day at a time - and there are always things that need doing whether I do them or not.
I liked the link posted by @Fish Out of Water above which takes you to the story of a 50-year-old bottle of booze that is expected to auction off for about half a million dollars. Suddenly my $200 bottle of scotch seems so cheap by comparison that I'll go ahead and drink the damn stuff one of these days. And you can bet that it will be a blog post waiting to happen.
Nothing else to report just now, but it had been a while since I've dropped in to wave and say "I love you guys (and gals)!" And that needed to be said.
I remember the days and weeks after DH's passing, sort of, a lot of it is a blur now. Some of it was just going through the motions and trying to go through the days, and trying to sleep in a lonely bed. My big Lab/Golden Retriever started sleeping with me about then and it helped. We had moved in with our oldest son and at that time were trying to go through a huge pile of boxes that had been in storage for over twenty years, taking up one side of his two car garage. We had just started going through the books mostly. I went through so many boxes of them that were his, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of or see if someone wanted. and box after box of my stuff, lol. That kept me busy for a couple of months and helped get the first emotions out. I would go down in the garage at night and work on it. Cutting up cardboard boxes for recycling is somewhat therapeutic, who knew?
I rearranged the bedroom furniture after awhile so there was more room for me and three dogs, I went through his clothes. I had to learn how to drive again since I hadn't for twenty years, and retake the test several times, of course. He always drove unless there was an emergency. His sister took over the care of his brother at least, I really couldn't deal with him anymore and didn't have guardianship so it was a help. I think the worst time was closing all his accounts on the internet, that brought a lot of tears one night as it felt like erasing him. He had all his accounts and passwords written down in a notebook which made it easier.
It's been four years now and things are mostly good, thank God for my kids and grandkids and family. I'm still sorting things out unbelievably, lol. And there are still things that will make me cry at times. Getting social security and certificates was a real joy too. Just made me hat government bureaucracy even more. Best thing of all was that my youngest grand daughter was born on the day he died and has the same name as my favorite grandmother, who was also born on the same day! Talk about serendipity.
@mamafrog- Thanks for sharing so much. It's inspirational to see that you've still got a sense of humor and positivity after what you've been through (and what you're going through). All of the bureaucratic stuff is especially painful because what is so intensely personal and important to me is just paperwork, numbers, and rubber stamps to the bureaucrats.
And yesterday I had a tech support call to transfer remaining minutes and service from Kathy's Tracfone to mine. It made me feel like I was stealing gold from her teeth. Geez, I hate this.
Tomorrow (Friday) I go in to donate blood for the first time (and shame on me for waiting till I'm nearly 70) in Kathy's honor. I hope/plan to do it as often as they'll let me.
So it appears depression is present related to Kathy. I have found that people who live in the past, remembering those good days, get depressed. This appears to be you. I see others who live in the future with anxiety. This is me afraid of death, hell it might hurt. In most cases, attempt to live in the present. Sometimes during an fire fight or similar event, twenty minutes will do. I suffer from PTSD, but I call it a deep depression too related to my past in Vietnam. When I came home, 1972, I would run and run for this help greatly in removing negative feelings (body chemistry e.g., endocrines). Cigarettes, pot, and alcohol would help, but never cure. Recommend you run, if not walk 30 to 60 minutes every day to flush that chemistry. Sugar will raise you up, then slam you down, better to eat fruit and nuts, but hell we only live once. Anyhow if a run or walk for 30 minutes a day does not help, then go see someone, get some anti-depressants. Be careful, for you can check in but never leave. DM me if you want, we can talk on the phone. Lv ya, SgtPete, old RN in Ohio
@SgtPete- All good advice. I have ample experience with actual clinical Depression, so I know that I'm not going through that at the moment. But I'm definitely hurting without Kathy here, and at a loss to connect to the world again somehow. But I'm working on it.
The advice to live in the present is excellent and I'm already trying my best to do that. It was a skill I developed during our long stay in the hospital and hospice, where the entirety of the situation would have broken me but I could cope with exactly one day at a time. So that's what I still do.
I haven't been getting out for a walk (it's emotionally difficult because the beloved dog I walked every day, Penny, died of cancer just before Kathy went into the hospital) but I hope to start soon. I know that both the exercise and being outside are critically important.
I haven't been terrible about junk food but am taking in way too many calories. No other spectacular vices being employed (cigarettes, pot, strippers whose names end in "i"). It's rare that I have a second drink in a day and many days I have nothing at all.
As far as anti-depressants go, I was already on two of them and have been for years. Without medication, I used to suffer months-long bouts of clinical Depression. With medication, I've gone without an episode for a couple of decades. And I'm already seeing a therapist with whom I had a good and pre-existing relationship.
So I'm trying to be proactive about this grieving process, but Kathy has always been my strong emotional foundation. Which is why I'm thankful I've got friends like you right here to help me.
There are many of us who would be right there with you if it were in any way possible. We would comfort you, sit and pass time with you in conversation or silence, as you needed. We would invite you for walks or gently cajole you to wander out on your own. We would share our snacks or booze with you, and gently remind you that you need some exercise to go with it all.
Sadly, the best most of us can do is to be here, reading what you offer, responding as we may, and continuing to pray for you and daughter. Healing will come.
@Murphy(AZ)- I know that and it means a lot to me. A lot. In the absence of much human contact (I hate to brag, but I'm King of the Introverts) I'm compiling a small library of books about grieving and, eventually, may screw up the courage to open one.
Stilt and Daughter J. Try this pretty good little paperback book. Many ministers may already have it & can loan. Nor is it expensive to buy, keep, mark up, refer to & share. Maybe read together & discuss. Quick easy read maybe helpful. Really, check it out. Good stuff there.
5x8" Paperback, 74 pages. HEALING GRIEF, Victor M Parachin, Chalice Press, Copyright 2001
[ISBN-13] Barcode 9 780827 214415
Best wishes. And with some help staying in the good lanes: time heals at one's own pace.
Maybe write your own? You certainly have the talent, and, sadly, first-hand experience. Even if nobody reads it but you, the healing might come from the process.
Besides, consider that a great deal of the book is already written, right here, with all the experiences you've written about and all the responses you've received.
You may well be your own best medicine.
Mal de disembarquement would translate as "sickness from getting off a ship" or "loss of land legs" (which happens sometimes when people who have been aboard ship and got their sea legs suddenly find themselves standing on terra firma, which doesn't rock and roll).
Of course that's just a metaphor for the syndrome.
Hang in there, and I hope your doctor can find a remedy for it.
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