Friday, October 21, 2022

Boston Baked Beings

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Covid, Boston University, nukes, meat hat, stand-up comedy

By now, it's pretty safe to say that anyone who doesn't believe that the Covid virus came straight out of the poorly run, unmonitored, US taxpayer-backed Wuhan Institute of Virology is a godforsaken idiot. A towering icon of ignorance. A person whose IQ is expressed in negative numbers because other people get dumber just standing near them.  But remarkably, they are not the stupidest people on Earth.

No, that would be the researchers at Boston University who playfully wondered what would happen if they took the original Covid virus and the more recent, more communicable variants and combined them in a laboratory. It turns out you get a peachy new virus with an 80% kill rate, as opposed to the approximately 3% kill rate that the unmodified virus had.

The researchers did not inform authorities of their Frankensteinian experiments because they "didn't think they had to." They also pointed out that their enhancement of bat virus to bat-out-of-hell virus wasn't actually forbidden "gain of function" research because hey look over there a squirrel! No, no - they said it wasn't gain of function because it was just a combination of functions which, more or less coincidentally, are unfathomably lethal.

To discourage future attempts by researchers to poke Armageddon with a sharp stick, it would seem prudent to visit a disciplinary action on Boston University. Which we're thinking should be several kilotons at the very least. 

Not that we're suggesting America nuke one of its own universities! We're just suggesting that somebody put the bug in Putin's ear that Boston University has huge strategic value and a surprise multiple warhead strike would certainly prove to the world that Vlad needs to be taken seriously.

But for now, nobody seems to be doing diddly squat to stop this existential madness and life goes on as usual. Which in Boston means going to the University wet market to buy used lab rats with which to make chowder.

It's funny because it's true

I reported a few weeks ago that I've enrolled in an online course (via Zoom) in stand-up comedy, and Monday marked my first two-minute performance for the class. And I think they likely see me as the next Rodney Dangerfield because they gave me no respect at all. Or laughs.

To be fair, both my material and delivery were on the eccentric side: "Introverts like me only attend the Introverts Anonymous meetings because it feels so good when we can finally go home."

Plus, if you're doing comedy what you want is an audience of relaxed people who are already having fun and are likely intoxicated. For our class, what each of us had was an audience of about five people on Zoom, all of whom were tasting stomach acid while nervously anticipating their own two-minute set.

And they were nervous for good reason, as it turns out that their material was even sketchier than mine. But hey, that's why we're all taking the class - so we can have our dreams dashed now without years of hecklers throwing beer bottles at us.

Fortunately, I have no desire to pursue a career (or even a hobby) in stand-up. But as a lifelong humorist,  I'm academically interested in the inner workings of stand-up as an art form. So I'm genuinely enjoying the class and, for the sake of verisimilitude, instituting a two-drink minimum at my house for future performances.


Amazon, in its infinite algorithmic wisdom, frequently suggests things it thinks I should buy based on my taste, discernment, and overall sense of elegance. And they may have nailed it with this recommendation:

Oh yeah, baby! That's me all over! Or maybe just meat all over!

When I see products like this I always have the same scenario run through my head; somewhere in the world, in a darkened bedroom, a man suddenly sits bolt upright and shouts "Eureka!"
"Wha...?" his wife, Eureka, will yawn. "Is everything okay?"
"Better than okay, baby! The future is ours! We're about to have it all! Unlimited wealth and a life of extravagance and joy!"
"Oh," the sleepy wife mumbles. "Another idea...?"
"THE idea, honey! THE idea!"
"What is it...?"
"A SUMMER HAT THAT LOOKS LIKE RAGGED CHUNKS OF RAW MEAT! I'll start production tomorrow with our life savings and the kids' college money!"

But say this for the dreamer, he got his hat made. I honestly have no idea what this would be good for, other than gifting it to some a**hole in your life along with a season pass to this place:

Nature Trivia: These guys never prosper


Mike aka Proof said...

At least you got a picture of a meat hat! Amazon usually regales me with the chance to buy something I just bought! Man, that's really helpful!

Julian said...

So glad you are getting some of your energy and optimism back. One step at a time. Thge stand up class will be great for you, even if only for the insights into human psychology, The Neat Hat invention did, actually, remind me of one of my many inventions that never caught on, Myself, and my old Scottish neighbor, Sputumus Mac Phlatus, created an alarm clock which played, at the appropriate time, a recording of a series of gunshots and a woman screaming hysterically. In a test release, five out of five test subjects admitted that it did wake them instantly. Sadly, three of the subjects, being older, had to be hospitalized for various nervous disorders, which our attorneys proved, had nothing to do with our product. Still, out of the five test subjects, when asked if they would purchase this alarm clock, expressed negative reactions, most of which called into question our morality, our legitimacy and parentage. But I am continuing my work on the Dremel attachment for getting out hard to clean earwax.

Fritzchen said...

Ah those care free pranksters of Boston U! Perhaps they will link the Small Pox virus to COVID and we can all spend our final Halloween as walking scabs!

Bones said...

I had to look it up,Idon't know too many people it applies to (Verisimilitude means being believable, or having the appearance of being true) , but defineatly NO politicians.

DougM said...

The meat hat: something something vegans

Anonymous said...

Meat hat will confuse flies at annual picnic. And would drive PETA sympathizers insane ! I'll take two !!

It takes courage to do stand-up. Fine and easy to do it around the bar-b-que pit, drinking a beer and sharing with your companions. In front of strangers, alone on a stage - I'd get stage fright for certain.

We were at your blog already know you are a funny guy. Nothing to prove here but good luck with class.

Bruce Bleu said...

Stilt, I considered doing "stand-up comedy", but my audience suggested that "sit-the-hell-down-and-shut-up comedy" was more apropos. Two years ago I told a cardio-vascular surgeon "Hey, doc... I'd tell you a Covid joke, but there's a 98.7% chance you won't get it". He thought that was pretty funny. I would choose an audience of thumbs for my act, because when I'm building something where liquor is involved, THEY are the ones most likely to get hammered.
Hilarious quip about the jungle cat.

Bones... I can hear you now... telling the Captain, "I'm a doctor, Jim... not a virologist!"

Gee M said...

Bruce Bleu

...building...liquor... thumbs...hammered...
We see what you did there!

Being punny is a terrible thing....!

Bobo the Hobo said...

Didn’t AOC graduate from Boston University? That would explain a lot.

Gee M said...

Bobo the Hobo ...

Hey! My Uncle graduated from Boston U...and he went into Government service.
Oh, wait...

Never mind.

NaCly Dog said...

Way to bring the richly deserved snark, Stilton.

You have skills that open mike night at the local bistro will uncover.

Keep on keeping on.

Colby Muenster said...

I have to ask myself, what is the end game for engineering an uber-lethal virus in the USA at a well-respected institute of higher learning? IMHO, anybody involved in this should be immediately fired and placed on a terrorist watchlist, then the virus should be launched into deep space along with the person who originated this hideous idea. If I was the head of the DOJ, I'd be arresting people NOW, but I guess they are too busy trying to get Trump to be bothered with such trivial stuff.

Sorry your standup routine did not go well, but I'll bet the material was good. You just got unlucky with a crappy audience (and maybe some nerves). How's about you tell us a couple of the jokes you used?

Meat hat... This reminded me. Anybody remember when Lady Gaga went to some event wearing a meat dress?

Anonymous said...

You might look up the podcast Kill Tony to study comedians trying to break in to the business. It's mostly sex jokes, weight or appearance jokes, and of course the always hilarious (sarcasm) make fun of conservative jokes. But, it is interesting to see what these "comedians" think is funny.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the chuckles this morning. Maybe sit-at-the-keyboard comedy is your thing?

Fish Out of Water said...

I too rolled my eyes at the news of a new, super and and of the world as we know it COVID strain. Perhaps this news being drowned out is unavoidable in the furore and noise as we draw closer to FJB Day, er midterm election day, but as you have pointed out, Stilton, this is serious stuff.

Why was this done? Who was responsible? Who was suppose to exercise oversight? and more importantly what step are being considered so this will never happen again?

Glad to learn your are enjoying the stand up comedy ( after years of "Hope'n Change & Stilton's Pace do you really need such though?).

I too have found computer algorithms baffling for my FB and Instagram accounts. I consistently marked the ads and 'irrelevant' or just plain spam and mark the advertisers as never to darken my accounts again. Logically I have thought, the algorithm would 'learn' and send less and less crap to my accounts, but alas...

Alfonso Bedoya said...

That hat looks like a lump of pulled pork......before I break it down with a fork, add a few drops of BBQ sauce and nuke it for 30 seconds.

TrickyRicky said...

I saw today's Johnny strip first, so I seem to have guessed correctly that you have made you stand-up debut. I liked your introvert joke, perhaps it hit your audience too close to home. It had a hint of Steven Wright to it.

Regarding the BU flu....meh, we all know that they mean to exterminate all normals.

The meat hat is awesome. Do you suppose Rob Reiner owns one? Made me think of a T-shirt in my drawer which is always worth some dirty looks and thumbs up when I wear it.

Greywuff said...

Boston University the same place that gave AOC a degree in economics...figures.

Murphy(AZ) said...

Okay, just remember you started this!

To go with your meat hat, how about a polyester Rasta Imposta Bacon Suit? (Google it, I wouldn't lie about something this important.) Currently unavailable, this is proof that SOMEONE thought this was important.

Damn! Now I'm hungry!

Snark said...

With most of the country aware of the tuition scams and the falling enrollment rates, BU has a different approach: After creating the next world killing virus they then announce that the "vaccine" is available for only $200.00 per dose. And it only takes 4 doses to work. This year. Next year, 4 more. If you have "natural" immunity to a virus that no person has ever been exposed to, then the "vaccine" isn't necessary.

Neither is breathing.

roger Myers said...

Hmmm, I wonder if Boston U. could get the virus un leashed before the mid-terms. Just sayin...

Fred Ciampi said...

Can, will, could you put your stand-up routine in your blog? Or sumptin? That way us unwashed minions can have a glimpse of what we're missing and put a wee bit of enjoyment into our otherwise mundane existence. Thankyouverrymuch.

John the Econ said...

So go figure. AOC is now only the 2nd most lethal thing to come out of Boston University.

Stand-upendness: I'm glad to see you engaged in new stuff. Hopefully at some point you get a chance to do this life. I mean, Zoom is useful for a lot of stuff, but it can hardly substitute for an actual room of people.

The algorithms: This is why I'm not worried about AI overrunning us, yet.

Just saw a live clip of Biden claiming he's reducing the deficit. Meanwhile, you and I are funding drag shows in Ecuador. Because "tolerance" or something.

Forget "defund the police". How about "defund the federal government".

Julian said...

BRUCE- I still haven't gotten over that horrible time you invited me to a Gender Reveal party, and I was the only one who showed up nekkid!!!!!!

Sue in Oregon said...

When I read the original report about Boston University and their producing an 80% kill Covid virus I was awe struck and not in a good way. Why on earth would any person with half a brain and an ounce of common sense think this was necessary and more importantly…..Needed? Yours is the first acknowledgment I have seen that someone other than myself was equally alarmed. That in an of itself tells me that insanity has taken over our world. Like you I keep waiting to hear or see that this is being addressed by anyone who has the authority to put an end to this madness. But each passing day makes this more unlikely. Sad State of Affairs!!!!!🤬

Anonymous said...

A new Covid strain is alarming. However, read “The Last Twilight Zone” at What a fright that article is!

Unclezip Is Pointing&Laughing said...

When I went through the Dale Carnegie course (three credits!), I had to be reminded at least a couple of times that I was not there to do stand-up. Kind of a bummer.

mamafrog said...

Hey, Amasuck gives me better search results than google does, at least. I like to search for images at times and it is getting damned impossible to find anything. (Get your mind out of the gutter, paintings and fashion of different eras.) The flu is scary, but have you seen Jeff Bezos-richer-than-God is predicting problems in the economy lately? Is that a case of the pot calling the kettle black? As far as the hat goes, you might need the Lady Gaga matching outfit to go with it.

chipmunk said...

You really run the risk of people calling you a meathead if you wear that hat. Just sayin...

Paul Donohue said...

I've gotta say that I love your meat hat. Looking at it took me back to my teens when I worked in a deli and first came in contact with head cheese. For those who've never had head cheese, it consists of pieces of meat taken from the head of a cow - the cheeks, scraps of tongue, ears, et cetera - and then formed into a loaf which is held together with gelatin made from beef hooves.

Looking at your hat I presume that the meat is being held together by gelatin. or some similar "adhesive". If the beef in the hat is from beef shoulder the two could be sold in a twin pack called Head and Shoulders.

So much for my weak attempt at comedy. Sorry about that.

My best wishes for your stand-up career. One of the few things that I still liked about NY when I left was the number of stand-up clubs. You can select from your favorites and see two, sometimes even three shows in a night. I preferred just one with a date half my age (or younger) and then out for a late snack and dessert. The most memorable was when I was 61 and was accompanied by a 21 year old. There were four comedians and, with us sitting in front of center stage, it was just too easy a target for them to ignore.

My young lady was referred to as my daughter, my niece and my granddaughter. She blushed very prettily and enjoyed the evening thoroughly, as did I. Oh for the days of my "youth" (which means anytime before I was 70).

My thinker isn't working too well today so I think I'll quit while I'm behind. Have a great week y'all.

Shelly said...

@Colby Muenster, your first paragraph was amazing. So articulate, precise and funny. I could have written that! Regarding AOC ties to BU, it reminds she has been the darling of Congress and the mainstream media since day one but it appears her attributes are being overlooked by her "constituency" as they are showing aggression towards her for answers. She actually said in a fake Spanish accent with her head cocked to the side "listen, just listen." That's right, AOC, they should have no right to speak. Personally, I think the Dims are running scared. Stephen Colbert has had her on two weeks in a row.

Stilt, you are one of the funniest guys I know. I love wry humor and sly innuendoes.

Oh, and happy birthday to me!! 76 is hard to swallow although I do wish to keep on getting older as the alternative is much worse.

TVAG said...

Two of the Brethren above this hit a glancing blow at it, but I'll say it straight out: THAT HAT is to be worn by a self confessed MEAT HEAD.

Thus, it would be in order for those of us with bottomless pockets (which is to say, anybody other than followers of The Great Stilt) to buy these and send them to their more Progressive ex-friends, family, employers/yees so we can more immediately recognize them on the street--on Congress.

Otherwise, I am so glad to see, Stilt, that you're posting again in the way that first brought me--among countless (well, forty or fifty) others--to this site for deep draughts of pure O2.

Your wit is a Gift that like the gentle rain, falls equally on us all, and we are freshened and nurtured by it.

Carry on, Sir!


Rod said...

Why would anyone go to a comedy club when we have this Democrat administration in office and also the general character of ALL national politics now? Oh; I get it. This has long ago become NOT funny.

The Overgrown Hobbit said...

Oh man. Now I have the perfect Christmas present...

JustaJeepGuy said...

I almost didn't get the jungle cat joke. Would it have been as funny if you had said the cat was from New York or maybe Boston? I don't know because I'm not a comedian.

Dan said...

I thought it was a meat jello mold.

Anonymous said...

Having been struck by inspiration, I shall now begin working on the new Haggis Hat!!! With a tasteful chin strap cord decorated like mountain oysters.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...


(Lawrence Olivier) IS IT SAFE?

(guess Larry O doesn't work as HTML tags. Oh, well.)

Bruce Bleu said...

Julian, I TOLD you that "gender" has nothing to do with gender any more! Anyhoo, my namesake BRUCE Jender thinks that a "schlong" or a "schlort" does not a male make! Y'know, I just never hear that old saying "it's all in your head" any more.

John the Econ said...

@Shelly, perhaps Colbert keeps having AOC on because she's the only truly funny thing he can find on the left.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Mike aka Proof- It sounds like Amazon is having problems with its time loop again.

@Julian- The stand-up class really is more of a human psychology thing and odd self-help program. I'm NOT going to do stand-up, but in learning about it you have to reflect on who you are and how you present yourself. Since I've been forced into reinvention, those will be handy exercises.

I like the sound of your alarm clock invention. Seems to me it would reliably do the job!

@Fritschen- The most dangerous words at Boston University are "what if...?"

@Bones- Yeah, verisimilitude is in critically short supply in Washington.

@DougM- I love the way your mind works (much like mine). Sometimes humor is art, other times craft, and frequently a mixture of both.

@Anonymous- If you wear the meat hat, PETA protesters will throw a picture of fake blood at you. Regarding stand-up, it DOES take courage if not an outright kamikaze mentality. Which is why I won't be doing that, other than a "graduation" live zoom performance (5-8 minutes) in class. And it does help that I feel I have nothing to prove - I'm 70 and spent my whole adult life writing comedy in one form or another and successfully provided for my family and retirement. I don't feel a need to prove on the "funny" front.

@Bruce Bleu- You should be in my class - that's a better routine than anyone else had that night!

@Gee M- I believe that the pun is one of the essential building blocks of humor, although I don't restrict "puns" to just wordplay. It could be a concept with more than one meaning and there's a jolt of humor when you switch them up.

@Bobo the Hobo- Oh sweet mother of God! I'd forgotten that! Suddenly the Covid story is even MORE terrifying. If Boston U could graduate AOC with an economics degree, I'm guessing that their lab-safety protocols are also a joke. Perhaps on us.

@Gee M- Technically I guess forced labor in a federal prison is government service...

@NaCly- For me, it would be less "open mic" night and more "open terror" night. I won't be taking the stage anywhere!

@Colby Muenster- I don't care what country it's in, we need to stop these flirtations with apocalypse. Violations should be punished with death or worse. And I am officially Not Kidding. Covid changed the world, likely forever, and stole the last years of my wife's life. And the world got off lucky because the virus wasn't as deadly as this new one. It needs to stop.

Regarding my stand-up routine, I can't honestly say that my material was all that good. I had no actual jokes, but rather was riffing on the concept of being an introvert and trying to sell a lot of the humor with cadence, tone of voice, and physical comedy. An example...

"As an introvert, my favorite part of a party is when I can go home. Actually, it's everyone's favorite part of a party when I go home."

So there was very little danger of anyone splitting their sides. (grin)

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- Thanks, I'll look that up! There's also an old TV series called "Green Room with Paul Provenza" that brought big comedians together to discuss the business of comedy and it's insightful and hilarious (the panel has an audience and access to free drinks).

@Anonymous- Oh, sit-at-the-keyboard comedy is definitely more my thing!

@Fish Out of Water- I file the Boston University story under "the world is genuinely insane," although that particular file drawer is straining at the seams.

And algorithms can really be annoying. You do one simple search on Google and suddenly all of the ads you see are for Moose porn.

@Alfonso Bedoya- So then we can also put you down for the BBQ sauce hat...?

@TrickyRicky- I love Steven Wright but don't have the memory to deliver a couple of hundred jokes in a performance. It would be fun to write material for him, though. And that IS a nice t-shirt you linked to!

@Greywuff- It's my understanding that Boston U is labeling the new virus "Alexandria Ocasio-Covid."

@Murphy(AZ)- A bacon suit?! Suddenly my stand-up career is back on track!

@Snark- I can't argue that creating super-viruses isn't a good business model. I mean, Fauci only invested a little in the Wuhan lab and now he's a millionaire!

@roger Myers- Such an event would once again create a need for "special" ways to vote, controlled by the Democrats.

@Fred Ciampi- If stand-up is done right, it almost CAN'T work if you put it in print. It's the difference between music and sheet music. Henny Youngman's signature joke was "take my wife, please." In print it just sits there. Onstage he sold it perfectly.

Here's a great case in point: comedian John Mulaney's routine about the "Best meal I ever had." It is screamingly hilarious with laugh lines aplenty...but I defy you to locate an actual joke or anything that would evoke more than a mild chuckle in print.

@John the Econ- I did live comedy in a club several times in my youth and it really is a whole different experience performing for a crowd. Especially on the occasion when he clamped jumper cables to my nipples and left me writhing in pain on the floor blinded by a cape over my head and the audience treated to the sight of my lower half clad only in green panty hose. All true.

"Drag Shows in Ecuador" sounds like the title of an independent film. And a definite "yes" to defunding the government.

@Julian- Yes, but you won first prize.

@Sue in Oregon- If the original Covid was this lethal, all of us would either be dead or starving by now. Civilization? Yeah, nice while it lasted. And while we may hope for "authority" to put an end to these experiments, it will never happen. The same people who make billions from every disaster also control the "authorities" we hope to prevent such disasters.

@Anonymous- Sort of a fun read, but preposterous enough that it's easy to dismiss. Although if it turns out to be accurate, my bad.

@Pointing&Laughing- As a child, I once got disciplined in "Weekday Religious Education" class for writing something funny in a prayer. I was given a big red "F" and told "God does not have a sense of humor!" I think time has shown that I was right and the teacher was wrong. Granted, it's frequently a sick sense of humor...

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@mamafrog- I'm a bit puzzled by anyone who isn't predicting economic problems at this point. And that being the case, maybe a "meat outfit" isn't something we'll want to be wearing when people get hungry.

@Paul Donohue- In the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (which is a classic, for my money) a scary hitchhiker stammers " you like head cheese?" then describes it. The association between the movie and the, um, "meat" is now permanent.

Your trips to the comedy clubs sound like a lot of fun and may even have been legal, though I'm going to have to see some I.D. from your date.

@Shelly- I would love to see AOC gone from our view, but I doubt even elections can make that happen. And Happy Birthday! And relax about your age - they say 76 is "the new 75!"

@TVAG- I think it will be too difficult and expensive for any of us to equip all of the meatheads with meat instead we should trick them into buying and wearing them on their own. Tell 'em the hats are a protest against the damage done to the environment by cow farts, and then let them wonder why we're snickering at them.

And a genuine thank you for the kind words about my writing. I'd like to be writing and posting here more but I don't know what to write about! Avoiding the news is still a matter of survival for me. But "avoiding the news" and "trying to cope" aren't really springboards for a lot of funny blog posts. If anyone gets any good ideas for Stilton 2.0 (maybe 3.0 or 4.0 by this time) please share!

@Rod- A lot of "comedy" in clubs isn't funny anymore either. "Joke" and "woke" are opposites.

@The Overgrown Hobbit- And when people ask "how is this Christmas-y?" just point at the chunks of meat and say "that's reindeer!"

@JustaJeepGuy- I like jokes that don't seem to make sense until you make an association in your own head that births the punchline. Until you say "Cheetah" to yourself there's no joke. Of course, an argument could be made that even THEN there's no joke...

@Dan- As Dave Barry would say, that would make a great name for a rock band.

@Anonymous- Please promise you'll send pictures!

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Now you've got Lawrence Olivier at a gender reveal party stuck in my head. "IS IT A BOY...?"

@Bruce Bleu- True story: a sports magazine recently asked Caitlyn Jenner to talk about her pole vault and she said that it was where she kept her dick. Thanks, folks - enjoy the rest of the show and tip your waiters!

@John the Econ- Maybe he keeps having her on because she can't find her way out of the building?

JustaJeepGuy said...

Regarding the Boston University virus story: I don't know why it didn't strike me before, but I suddenly remembered Stephen King's novel "The Stand" and how it all started with a leak in a biolab. How exactly did covid get out of the Wuhan lab? Oh yeah, that was deliberate. Is the BU lab actually safe? Have they eliminated their virus? Most importantly, can we trust them?

Fish Out of Water said...

For Sunday viewing pleasure

There ought to be choirs at local polling stations singing this on election day.

Brie Camembert said...

Slow Joe said that if Republicans take the House this November it will put us back to when Trump was in office. Oh. yes please:
Low inflation, low gas price, low crime, Covid under control and no Afghanistan or Ukraine debacles. Not only that but I bet the Donald would have closed BU and had them all shot (Hmm, not a bad idea).

But don't worry folks, what are the chances an engineered virus could escape a lab?

Keep you pecker up Doc, its good to have you araound.

Bruce Bleu said...

Stilt, "tip your waiters..." True story... about 25 years ago I took the family and a few friends out for dinner. After the waitress arrived with the bill, I said "wait a moment... I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to do this", then I stood up and grabbed her shoulders and made her "lean" about 15 degrees. She and the table "got it" immediately, and only my wife was hiding her eyes.

Buck O'Fama said...

@John the Econ...
My idea for a yard sign:
"De-fund the Policies"
Could provide eggs at below supermarket prices.

Colby Muenster said...

That video was great!

Anonymous said...

Yes, we were all praying for a rabid Doberman to rush the stage.

Anonymous said...

I believe that should have been ravenous, NOT rabid, but then again.....