Monday, December 18, 2023

Book 'Em, Santa

In this crazy, fast-moving, high-tech world of entertainment devices, isn't it nice to know that the very best gift to give a child at Christmas is still a good old-fashioned picture book?

And I emphasize "old-fashioned" because the new generation of picture books is a one-way ticket to Hell. Don't believe me? Then check out these actual picture books from Amazon...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, children's books, christmas

Okay, to be fair none of these books are intended to fall into the hands of actual children. Rather, they're parodies of children's books aimed at adults - and I'd be hypocritical if I didn't admit that a number of these titles made me laugh. 

I'd also be a hypocrite if I didn't say that seeing all of these has me thinking that I may be just a pseudonym away from starting to publish some of these of my own in 2024. Many of these books are selling like crazy, and it's not like I don't already have a disturbed sense of humor...

My apologies to the long-gone artist currently turning over in his grave

And not to seem crass, but I suppose this is as good a place as any to remind you that there's still time to order giftable editions of my books Johnny Optimism Volume One, Volume Two, and Volume Three ("Home for the Horrid Days") from Amazon. Or for the wordplay lover on your list, the fun cartoon book co-written with my beloved wife, Kathy, "The Skin of a Hen's Teeth."

I have also written a lot of real children's books over the years and can say in complete seriousness that I still consider well-done books to be among the very best gifts you can give children. I was certainly influenced by the many beautiful picture books I received as a child (and still cherish today).

Although you may or may not take that as a good endorsement considering how I've turned out. 


Dan said...

Look like mid-shift bs session book-naming.

Speaking of books for kids, any suggestions for Civics books for 8-12 year olds?

Mike aka Proof said...

Bah, humbug and a Merry Festivus to you, Stilt! Seriously, have a Merry Christmas if I don't speak to you again before then. Try to find (or bring) a little joy wherever you go!

mamafrog said...

The only one of the grandkids I can give books to now is a little almost three year old. She's at the age where she's either eating, reading or throwing the books, lol. I recently bought a set of larger board books (not bored, just hard pages of cardboard). I'll confess to buying them originally because I really liked the artwork, and baby animals are always a good choice for baby humans! I bought another set for her and kept one for me.

The other grandkids (one of whom is heading off to college next year, ack!) already have a ton of books. Some of them were even bought by me. What's really funny is my kids who never really wanted to read have big collections of both real and digital books now. I think it's catching. It's great when I run across something they are interested in and pick up a book for them.

Can you tell I love books? I have discovered that Amazon will do print on demand books so I'm busy replacing or expanding my collections. And we won't mention what I get off kickstarter campaigns, hint: I'm a "super backer" now.

Hubs and I had boxes and boxes of books when we moved. It broke my heart going through them after he died. I had bought a lot of them for him. Oh well, they went to other people who value books at least. Which is better than him having to go through my boxes of fabric and cussing about how much there was. That's a thought that makes me laugh.

And the fact that you can read and write and put out stuff that makes us laugh and think is a good testament to your folks getting you into books!

Julian said...

Those titles were hilarious, and Mike Hunt seems a perfect name to call in to one of those local TV shows that wish Happy Birthdays to people.... by now, they have caught on to Hugh Jayness, Hashid Abbrik and so on. BTW I just ordered the book by Kathy but your name is nowhere on it - just some clod using the pen name "Steve White", which I suspect MIGHT be Ron White when he is too drunk to remember writing anything... but a Biden says... well, uh, whatever, uh, never mind..anyway... hang in there, and I send my best wishes to you and to all during this holiday season.

Bones said...

A disturbed sense of homour is not a bad thing at all,the bad thing is being a lefty with NO sense of humour.

Fish Out of Water said...

Disgustingly a reelected (sigh) of the local school board here took his oath of office on a stack of similar lyvile "literature".

And not to miss a different opportunity, but with the Senate, democratic sex scandal, it seems it gives new meaning to the campaign slogan,. 'Ridin' with Biden'.

Bobo the Hobo said...

I wonder if Jack ever got off that horse. We’ll never know but your column made me laugh.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I recommend Brad Gosse's vids where he reads some of his "children's books" to unsuspecting adults... ;-)

Snark said...

A little searching can reveal an audio recording of Samuel L Jackson's rendition of "Go The Fuck To Sleep". For those who have muttered -or shouted- that at your recalcitrant 2 year old, it's a hoot. I don't recommend playing it to those who might find such language uncomfortable, a mistake my dear wife made one day. I think that friend is still suffering from the PTSD the experience delivered.

Phil said...

A tip of the hat to Bones for his spot on post.

A very Merry Christmas to you Stilt. And to all your readers too!

TrickyRicky said...

I must admit that I got several chuckles from those book titles. I guess that's what happens when one's formative years are heavily influenced by MAD magazine and National Lampoon. I also agree with Bones above.

Merry Christmas to all of our pals in the Jarlsberg universe. It is imperative to keep a stiff upper lip and enjoy the good things in life, even as these good things are under assault.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dan- You might try William Bennett's "The Book of Virtues." It's very specifically about showing classical moral values to kids.

@Mike aka Proof- And all the best to you, sir! I'm doing "holiday-lite" again this year (and probably always) but am enjoying some of the trappings.

@mamafrog- I also chuckle about what Kathy would have to sort through had I passed on first. It would take her about three hours to become so pissed at me for my collections of nonsense that she would have needed a chardonnay break.

@Julian- I've been known to occasionally use the pseudonym "Steve White" when dodging lawsuits and creditors.

@Bones- I agree. I don't even know how to communicate with people who have a stunted sense of humor. Which includes pretty much all liberals.

@Fish Out of Water- I find a lot of the garbage sexually-themed books being jammed into school curriculae outrageous. It's not "censorship" to suggest that some books have logical age restrictions, nor is it censorship to subvert a parent's instincts about what and when to teach their child about sex.

I like your new interpretation of "Ridin' with Biden" and will add that this is yet another fine example of "Leading From Behind."

@Bobo the Hobo- Maybe they could help Jack off the horse if they use a pony keg.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'll take a look!

@Snark- I've heard that recording and it is, of course, wonderful. Samuel Jackson didn't phone it in - he really performs that motherf***ing book.

@Phil- And I wish you and EVERYONE here the very best of Christmases, Hanukkah, Festivus, or the celebration of your choosing.

@TrickyRicky- If MAD magazine, National Lampoon, and Warner Brothers cartoons were somehow drained from my sense of humor there wouldn't be much left. And you're right that it's no time to stop laughing when the going gets tough. It comforts ourselves and makes others nervous.

John the Econ said...

I just assumed that those were from Hunter Biden's childhood library.

And remember, if you in any way criticize the recent goings on in the Senate hearing room, you're a bigot. In fact, it's your fault that anybody cares.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I can remember that I received a copy of The Cat In The Hat for Christmas 1959. I was six years old and when someone read the book to me I suddenly realized I could read it myself. I have been a voracious reader ever since. I always kinda feel sorry for people who don't read for pleasure.

I saw that that Senate aide is trying to play the victim in the incident. The worthless fudge-packin' rump wrangler says he "wouldn't disrespect" the workplace, yet that is exactly what he did. He shouldn't have just been fired, he should have been expelled from the country. With extreme prejudice.

Shelly said...

@Snark, there is a real book SLJ was narrating. I gave it to a young cousin at her baby shower.

As to books, I'm with @Mama Frog. I have been a voracious reader since I first learned how. I always have a book "in progress." I always love learning new words to add to my vocabulary. My ex-husband used to ridicule me for using "hundred-dollar" words that he couldn't understand. I knew it was because his own vocabulary was grossly insufficient.

As far as the sex in the Senate episode, had this been a Republican, they would be celebrating and giving thanks for such a powerful weapon to use against not only him, but the rest of us MAGA terrorists. Remember when they crucified some Republican Congressman for having a "wide stance" in a public restroom? Or running George Allen out of office for using the word Macca? That was supposed to be racist somehow. The truth is behind the hot air, they are in crisis mode and know that video is going to be used in a ton of campaign ads. We've come a long way from gay people just wanting to be accepted to this. And we all knew it would happen.

Merry Christmas to you, Stilton, and all his fans who comment here!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I learned to read at age 3, as my parents thought I was dain bramaged and whipped up some Letraset flashcards. I went from speaking perfectly inflected gibberish to "Oh! Those funny noises MEAN something!" in nothing flat, and was reading at a college level by 8th grade... :D

miniskunk said...

You almost have enough for a calendar. Mayhaps make a few more suggestible fake covers and put it 2025's calendar.

John the Econ said...

@JustaJeepGuy, my parents were voracious readers. Once I discovered that reading didn't necessarily mean the bland crap served up in school, I became one too. Certainly saved me from a life of intellectual mediocrity.

Because of my parents, I was already reading when I started kindergarten. Being the end of the '60s, the pendulum was swinging towards "social development" over "intellectual development". My parents were actually admonished by the "experts" that it was too soon for me to be reading, and that they should not be encouraging it at the tender age of 5. I should have been more focused on eating the paste, I guess.

Fortunately, my parents told the "experts" where to shove it, and I was reading above grade level ever since. (near college level before high school, back when testing was still a thing) I've had a low opinion of "experts" ever since. It's not an accident that so many of our fellow citizens unquestionably rely upon the advice of experts because of intentionally limited literacy.

The hottest new nightclub in DC: If only the J6 "insurrectionists" had thought to strip down and engage in gay sex, instead of being in jail they'd have been celebrated as heroes.

That someone would even consider playing the victim card after getting caught partaking in such a stunt demonstrates just how far down the cultural sewer we've gone. Remember when it was all supposedly only about "what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms"?

Fortunately, the Internet will remember him. Any future employer will act accordingly when they do a search on his name. (One way or the other)

@Shelly, amen. If there had been an (R) anywhere near this story...

One of the things I love when reading online is how easy it is to get a definition for a word you are unfamiliar with. I take every opportunity to widen my vocabulary.

Fish Out of Water said...

@ John. I too am amazed the person in question has played the victim card and that speaks of course as to how downhill we've gone in teaching children right from wrong and taking responsibility for one's actions.

I'm sure this narcissistic attention whore will find something to earn a living; like guest appearances on The View, CNN, Vox,Daily Kos, and on and on.

Fish Out of Water said...

On an unrelated to this thread item. Perhaps Joe le Petomane is getting serious about border security??

International Relations Specialist
U.S. Customs and Border Protection
Washington, DC, USA
Posted on
December 19th 2023

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Job Description
International Relations Specialist


Customs and Border Protection

Office of International Affairs


Organizational Location: This position is with the Department of Homeland Security, within U.S. Customs and Border Protection, Operations Support, Office of International Affairs, International Operations Directorate, located in Washington, District of Columbia.


The International Relations Specialist (IRS) is responsible for conducting analyses of the geopolitical risk factors that impact legitimate flows of people and goods in relation to U.S. trade and security goals in the respective region(s), and for developing and managing related technical assistant and capacity building programs.

This position starts at a salary of $78,592.00 (GS-11, Step 1) to $122,459.00 (GS-12, Step 10) with promotion potential to $145,617.00 (GS-13 Step 10).

Major duties include, but are not limited to:

Collaborating with federal interagency partners to assess the economic potential diplomatic capabilities and border security of the assigned country region or organization in an assigned area of responsibility (AOR); developing plans for international trade and travel enhanced border security for the U.S. and host nation.

Promoting outreach activities and programs with the assigned country region or organization in an assigned area of responsibility (AOR) to strengthen diplomatic ties with the U.S by recommending planning and coordinating engagements with U.S. government representatives leaders and congressional members.

Developing proposals and recommendations for future development and outreach activities with the assigned country region or organization in an assigned area of responsibility (AOR); and supporting the assigned country region or organization in assessing the effectiveness of economic diplomatic and border security initiatives and recommending courses of action for improvement.

Participating in assigned country region or organization in an assigned area of responsibility (AOR) development and providing input on sensitive and controversial issues; collaborating with assigned country region or organizations representatives to formalize strategic plans to facilitate and substantially enhance trade diplomacy and border security between the host nation and the U.S.

Old Navy said...

OK Busty!!! you brighten my day: A Pretty Girl is like a Melody...