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Friday, September 27, 2024

The Clump / Headless Debate

Admit it, I came awfully close to predicting "Harris"

I apologize for my relative silence lately. Oh, I'm fine (other than an upcoming hip replacement surgery) but the "news" is so stupid and aggravating that I risk an aneurysm any time I give it more than 30 seconds of attention.  I swear, if I hear Kamala bring up her "middle class background" one more time, my head will explode.

Which is more or less what happened to the protagonist of my 2009 novel "CLUMP: An American Splatire." A huge, heavily-muscled mystery of a man with no head and no awareness of his surroundings. His headless condition doesn't keep his handlers from making him into a huge celebrity entertainer (while hiding the little secret that he'll beat to death anyone who touches him). And eventually (spoiler alert!) the headless, clueless Clump runs for President.

With obvious parallels to the brainless Kamala Harris, let's look at what a Clump campaign add looked like:

Emotionally stirring music played as the camera tracked up a grassy hill where Americans of every type were standing, looking directly at the camera. The old and young, the rich and poor, the black and white.


"Most politicians," said a warmly accessible voiceover, "don't care what we the people have to say. They make promises, then break them. And they tell lies. But one candidate is different. Very different."


At the top of the hill, the camera finds a lone man wearing a well-tailored suit and an American flag pin. A man with no head. 


"Clump never lies," said the voiceover announcer. "Clump never makes promises he will not keep. Clump is not against anything that you are for, or for anything you are against. And because Clump is entirely poll-driven, his voice is..."


"My voice," said an elderly black woman.

"My voice," said a uniformed policeman.

"My voice," said a goth chick.

"My voice," said a bank president.

"My voice," said an attractive Latina.


"Your voice!" shouted the hillside of people, pointing at the camera as it zoomed past them to find Clump standing tall and proud, fists on his hips like Superman.


"Clump," said the announcer as the music climaxed. "Sticking his neck out...for you."

Okay, that already sounds more substantive than anything Harris is airing. But of course, handling the media is a job that both Harris and Clump delegated to sneaky specialists...

It was Heidecker who had created a war-room of bloggers to secretly feed misinformation and rumors to Internet chat rooms. 


Heidecker's bloggers planted damaging lies about Clump's opponents, weaving lurid accusations from a Heidecker-approved list of words which included incest, lubricant, chickens, cocaine, kiddy-diddler, transvestite, felch, hooker, ball gag, traitor, coprophilia, snuff film, anal fistula, wide stance, murder scene, smegma, raincoat, kickback, sheep, Thailand, fisting, fishhook, nipple, vomitorium, gerbil, flesh-eating syphilis and, most damning of all, "big pharmaceutical companies."


But above all, the true genius of Heidecker's campaign strategy was that it offered what voters prized above all else: simplicity. No confusing points or platforms. No moral shades of gray. No lectures about economics, geography, or history. No matters of life and death.


"We are living in post-intellectual times, yes?" Heidecker said to his campaign staff.

But surely a literally brainless candidate would never get very far, right? Right...?

Pundits and politicos who dared to bring up Clump's headless condition were pilloried as being insensitive by advocacy groups for the differently abled. Angry speeches on Clump’s behalf were even made in Congress by members who had lost limbs in various wars, and resented the notion that a man's merit should be judged by his number of extremities.


Clump's history as an entertainer was also taken off the table as an attack point because the Republicans had previously elected actors like Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sonny Bono. 


On the Democratic side, they couldn't criticize a “brainless entertainer” without alienating 99% of their all-important Hollywood donor base.


Thank goodness in our current election, we have valuable real world methods for sorting out our candidates and testing their knowledge and mettle. Debates, for instance, could never favor anyone who was dead from the neck up. Then again...


At the televised Presidential debates, Clump absolutely destroyed the concentration of his opponents. 


Each time Clump was asked a question, the camera sat on him for three interminable minutes as he gasped, swallowed, drooled, and rolled his tongue.


This made the other two candidates into nervous wrecks who stammered during their own answers and actually jumped away from the lecterns if Clump took a step in their direction. Which Clump frequently did, thanks to the remote-controlled shoes operated by a campaign assistant.


Whenever one of the other candidates actually made an intelligible remark of any kind, Clump was given 90 seconds for rebuttal. On the few occasions Clump produced audible bon mots like "Gaaa!," "Akkk!," or an explosive fart, he received thunderous applause from his supporters in the audience.


In all seriousness, none of this is more ridiculous or frightening than the spectacle unfolding in front of our horrified eyes right now. I'm certainly not the first to observe that satire has gotten very difficult to write because reality, such as it is, has become so preposterously stupid that it's hard to top. Harris and Walz are blithering idiots, media-wrapped in the Emperor's New Clothes. 


I wonder if this is how George Orwell felt?


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Clump, Kamala


23 comments:

Mike aka Proof said...

California Governor (and presidential hopeful) Gavin Newsom signed a bill apologizing for slavery today. Thankfully he skipped mentioning that he, too, was brought up in a middle class background!

JustaJeepGuy said...

I can't believe the Demo_Rats think Word Salad Annie is a better choice than Gropey Joe. I also can't believe the Republicans aren't running ads pointing out how nobody wanted WSA before Joe was forced out...or ads pointing out that Gropey Joe was, in fact, forced out. I guess on The View, Joe seemed to forget that he was forced out. That booger-eatin' moron even still thinks he actually won in 2020.

Even now, the Demo_Rats still have time to 22nd Amendment President Trump. They haven't been able to kill him--yet. If he weren't winning, they wouldn't be trying to kill him.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

Clears the sinuses, it does... ;D

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Stilt, we missed you.
We love in strange times. Something big on the horizon, politically!!!!

Anonymous said...

Stilton writes: "I wonder if this is how George Orwell felt?"

Most definitely

Anonymous said...

That was one of the highlights of the book. Taking madness to its extreme! And we all (okay, Stilt and I and the other 5 people who got through the whole book) know how it turns out!

I think Clump would clean Harris’ clock. And I think anyone who votes for her that doesn’t have a clear line of kickback - and she and Joe have created millions of those - is also inferior to Clump!

Sandra Gray said...

If something happened that our President Trump could not keep running for President again, wouldn't that make Vance the Republican nominee?

Drypowda said...

1984. It's here.

Shelly said...

Honestly, I've never seen an election anything close to resembling this one. It truly is unbelievable. This is what happens when you cheat to elect a demented idiot and just a plain old idiot as his running mate. The only reason the polls are so close is because this vacuous woman, who has risen to where she is by powerful men who have elevated her and is currently being supported by the entire Democrat machine from the deep state swamp, the corrupt media, the twisted Marxist academia and fabulously wealthy celebrities who think their own feces don't stink. Each appearance she makes is so cringeworthy as to defy logic. But I am seeing cracks in the dam, and I believe her slide has already begun. I believe in the end Trump will win in a landslide comparable to Reagan's in 1984. He will receive so many votes that the cheat machine will not be able to keep up.

Shelly said...

I forgot to mention good luck with the hip replacement. I had my right one replaced and it literally changed my life. I hope all goes well with the surgery and rehab and I hope you have someone to help afterwards.

Will Hepburn said...

There is an old saying in politics: "They won't remember what you did. They won't remember what you said. But they will remember how you made them feel". This is the focus of Harris' campaign. She can't run on issues or track record. She has to run on feelings. Get used to it. It won't change (unless she loses).

Anonymous said...

I read Clump and when it came to his Presidential run, I wondered just how you knew Kamala was running. You need to dust off your crystal ball...Thanks for a great read. Best wishes for a fast recovery from your hip replacement.

mamafrog said...

They already know Ms Giggles won't win, she knows, and Walz's family doesn't even support him and publicly says so. Even Obama didn't want to support her and was finally made to. Trump will probably win and then the assassination attempts will become far more serious.

mamafrog said...

And damn, sorry about the hip, looks like that's my next repair coming up. I've had another hernia repair this year, getting tired of doing that, lol.

TrickyRicky said...

1984, Brave New World, Fahrenheit 451, Atlas Shrugged all rolled into one. I never thought I would live to see this with my own eyes.

Oldarmourer said...

It looks like this Vance would make a much better President than the last one if he had to step into Trump's shoes, that's probably making a lot of lefties very nervous, maybe nervous enough to call off thier dogs, except that some of them are off leash and won't listen.

Oldarmourer said...

I'm not sure how it works down there but kablabla was never voted on as the candidate, she just stepped into the position after byethen 'withdrew', so if anything happened to Trump then Vance would automatically become the de facto candidate ?
Or would the left start a heretofore unseen level of lawfare to try and prevent the Republicans from even running a presidential candidate at all and have some 'bama appointed 'judge' rule in their favour, at least long enough to get past the 5th of November and declare themselves automatically 'elected' ?

An appropriate date this time too...
Remember, remember the 5th of November...
Gunpowder, treason and plot...

We've already seen the gunpowder...twice.

TrickyRicky said...

You’re an astute guy.

JustaJeepGuy said...

That's a good question. I don't think it would necessarily follow, but the party would have to see what their rules say.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I think that "old saying" only applies if there is an actually decent candidate. Word Salad Annie has been chosen because she will be as malleable a puppet as is Gropey Joe. The liberal establishment, both Demo_Rat and RINO, want a puppet and a DEI hire is one of the best.

Anonymous said...

My favorite meme...Two Indians walk into a bar...Lying Dog and Spread Eagle.

MAJ Arkay said...

Goodness. Spousal Unit is also up for a hip replacement, IF the surgeon decides his osteopenia isn't a hindrance. The prostate cancer fighting meds he takes does suck away bone, so he also gets a bone strengthening med. I do hope he gets the new hip; I'm really tired of manhandling his wheelchair...

Anonymous said...

I underwent hip replacement surgery three weeks ago, my left side having replaced the right side five years ago. Takes about three weeks to get mobile and five for 100% 💯 back on track. And the pain is gone. Hip replacement is one of the most perfected surgeries in the world, it simply works.

Don’t worry, you’ll do great