April Fooled Day

This year, we've given up working on April Fool's Day (when we're writing this) for Lent. Which is why we're revisiting this semi-classic post from 2015...

FROM THE VAULT: APRIL FOOL'S DAY EDITION 2015

On an unbelievably busy news day, no story is bigger than the shocking resignation of Barack Hussein Obama and his subsequent hasty helicopter escape from the roof of the White House.

Early morning television viewers were surprised to find their programs interrupted for an emergency announcement, during which the ashen-faced and possibly drug-fueled president spoke in rambling, frequently cryptic sentence fragments about "the sweet, sweet call to prayer," "dog-flavored shave ice," the merits of Titleist golf balls and, most puzzlingly, his declaration that "Mike is done pretending to be Michelle." He then told America to go (and we paraphrase here) fornicate itself, and capped his brief resignation with "Allahu Akbar - I'm out of here, suckers!"

In a scene reminiscent of America's departure from Vietnam, Obama scrambled aboard a George Soros-owned helicopter hovering just above the White House roof.  Newly appointed President Biden celebrated his unexpected promotion by rushing onto the White House balcony in his pajamas and firing a shotgun into the sky, before being tackled and disappearing under a pile of Secret Service agents. Sadly, the shotgun blast was thought to have done only minor damage to Mr. Obama's helicopter.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - Also in today's news:

• John Kerry triumphantly announced that his negotiations with Iran have been successful and will be officially ratified in a ceremony in which "I'll kneel on a beach while wearing a traditional Iranian document-signing orange jumpsuit."

• A council of Native Americans judged Elizabeth Warren to be guilty of violating tribal law by failing to use "every part of the buffalo." In point of fact, she was using only one part of the buffalo and not, as nature intended, for the purpose of making more buffaloes.

• Pressed for more details about his injury, Harry Reid admitted that "the band that snapped" as he was working out with it was, as many suspected, The Village People.

• A crowd-funded Kickstarter campaign intended to pay for a monument to honor race martyr and cigar liberator Michael Brown fell short of its stated goal today, raising a final tally of only $375. The Ferguson highway department says the funds will be sufficient to create a commemorative speed bump.

• The Supreme Court issued a 5-4 ruling confirming that, despite the controversial and somewhat confusing language in the 17,000 page Obamacare bill, the government will give full "breast exam" reimbursements for every crispy dollar bill men spend in topless clubs.

Oh, relax - it's April Fool's Day

Scaling Back Expectations

Joe Biden's CDC has acted quickly and decisively to prevent a possible nationwide outbreak of optimism about our odds of surviving Covid-19.

Oh sure, there are millions of vaccinations being given every day, 73% of seniors (the most vulnerable population) have had at least one injection, and new studies are showing that even a single injection may be 80% effective at preventing serious illness. Statistics which could easily lull the simple-minded into having a sense of hope.

But in a highly emotional briefing on Monday, Dr. Rochelle Walensky, the highly emotional CDC chief, choked back tears while describing her feelings of "impending doom." Because damn it, that's the kind of useful, pragmatic advice that America expects from a powerful, highly-paid government official of the female persuasion! And if she happens to sense "impending doom" at about this time every month, well, who are we to judge? After all, you can't spell "premonitions" without PMS.

Mind you, there are legitimate reasons to worry about how Covid variants will affect the efficacy of the current generation of vaccines, but that hardly seems a reason to cast a thick cloud of gloom over everyone. Unless optimism really is the scourge that the Biden administration is trying to eliminate. Which makes sense - after all, when people become less worried about the pandemic, they may be more inclined to ask uncomfortable questions about all the money and power grabs the Democrats are making in the name of a Covid-19 wildfire.

For the record, the pandemic isn't over and common sense (remember that?) safety measures should still be used. But dread and despondency aren't going to help, even though the CDC still seems incapable of delivering much else.

BONUS: FOILED AGAIN

Can You Tell Me How To Guilt To Sesame Street?

The ever-popular children's show Sesame Street has added two new muppets, 5-year-old Wes and his father Elijah, to help teach the "ABC's of Racial Literacy" and racism in general. The move represents a growing trend in children's programming to teach that the color of someone's skin is really, really, really important. Which, sadly, is becoming truer every day. 

Sesame Street already had some muppets reflecting "people of color," which is a pretty hilarious descriptor in a world where everyone already sports a different neon-bright color of the rainbow. Although to be fair, now toddlers with white privilege can see with their own eyes that "people of color" have brown skin and bright orange and purple noses. 

The young muppets belong to the "Power of We" Club in which they learn how to become "upstanders" for racial justice, no matter what shop windows stand in their way.

And it would appear that Sesame Street's new racial awareness initiative is already shaping the worldview of those who watch every day. Like, say, Joe Biden...

In his dazed and halting comments to the press recently, Joe Biden declared that Republican initiatives to bring an iota of integrity to federal elections were so freakingly racist that "they make Jim Crow look like...Jim Eagle!"

Which would probably be a really powerful thing to say if anyone knew who the hell "Jim Eagle" is. We assume that he's a racist bird (not to be confused with the racist Byrd, a former Democrat Senator and Ku Klux Klan "Exalted Cyclops") who is even more racist than murderous, lynching Jim Crow, but presumably not as racist as genocidal Nazi bastard Jim California Condor.

And speaking of racism, since suddenly there are no other topics, we again reflect on the tragic wave of hate-crimes sweeping our nation... 

With the next syllable out of this guy's mouth, he's going to get his ass kicked so thoroughly that he'll feel like he took a wrong turn on the highway and ended up stranded on Sesame Street after midnight.

Seriously, if you're white and find yourself in a situation like this, you'd do better to fake a sudden heart attack and hope that the Human Resources director calls an ambulance for you to escape in.

Of course, there's always the risk that the Human Resources director might try to use a portable defibrillator on you...but if they were smart enough to pull that off without killing you, they probably wouldn't have to be working in human resources.