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Monday, May 14, 2018

Mother's Day

We're celebrating Mother's Day today (even though it was technically yesterday) with a potpourri of items. First out of the gate, an assortment of motherly cartoons from our good friend Johnny Optimism...




Based solely on these cartoons, you might guess we had an uneven relationship with our own mother - but nothing could be farther from the truth. The woman was a saint and deserves to be canonized; she knocked off at least 3 miracles every day before lunch. She was an artist, an intellect, a person with a wonderful sense of humor, and the warm heart of our family.

All that being said, there is a very special relationship between Mom and Johnny Optimism. And for those who haven't heard it before, we're repeating it for this Mother's Day edition...

___________

In May 2010, I was having lunch with my wife and a good friend (an author) who complained that children's books these days all seemed to need a heavy-handed social message in order to sell. I joked that he should do a book about a terminally ill boy in a wheelchair named "Johnny Optimism."  And  that night, just to take the joke a step farther, I quickly roughed out this book cover and sent it to him:

Johnny optimism, johnnyoptimism, stilton jarlsberg, lance the dog, medical humor, wheelchair, origin

The next day, only a few days after Mother's Day, my Mom died unexpectedly. And for reasons I can't logically explain, I spent the following weeks expressing my grief by obsessively creating Johnny Optimism cartoons - hundreds of them - trying to somehow rediscover joy, laughter, or just a little relief in the very blackest of circumstances. And it helped me to laugh at life's pain (not at its victims) and realize that we're all like Johnny - just doing our best to cope with the odds heavily stacked against us.

Happily, Lance the dog made it into the strip without blindness or a bad cough. In fact, he's the bestest, most loyalest dog in the whole world and nothing bad will ever happen to him (my daughter made me promise).

I've never really explained Johnny's living arrangements, and in my own mind they've evolved over time. Currently, I see him living in a hospital environment where he's surrounded by other kids with interesting maladies, and inept or downright insane medical caregivers and guests.

During the day, he is mainstreamed at a regular school (which is why the school nurse is always calling to report the disaster du jour).

Early on, Johnny would sometimes mention his parents in the strips - but that element has largely disappeared. It seems to me that by freeing Johnny from traditional family structure and putting him at the mercy of a senseless bureaucracy, he becomes more of a symbol for all of us.

Johnny is near and dear to my heart. He has more courage than I do, he has bigger challenges than I do, and he faces them all with more grace and optimism than I could ever do.

And he serves as a gentle reminder that none of us is truly alone in feeling like the universe sometimes goes out of its way to throw pain and suffering our way...as well as a reminder that it's always okay to laugh, even if we're sometimes just laughing at our own vulnerability. It's quite possibly the strongest thing we can do...and the greatest gift I received from my mother.

__________
AND HERE SHE IS...


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mother's day, mom, jo, johnny optimism

Hi, Mom! Looking good!

Her name was Johanne, but everyone called her "Jo." And it was only after I'd turned out literally hundreds of cartoons in her honor that I realized that Johnny Optimism's initials are "Jo."

Whether coincidence or fate, that gave me goosebumps. And still does.



Friday, May 11, 2018

3 O'Clock and All's Well

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, 3 a.m. phone call, hillary, obama, benghazi, trump, north korea, prisoners
Full credit to Mrs. Jarlsberg for pointing out the "3 a.m. connection."
Many years ago, Hillary Clinton's primary campaign for President scored big with a political ad about the dreaded "3 a.m. phone call." The spot suggested that during a crisis (and what else happens at 3 a.m.?), Americans could sleep better knowing that a President Hillary was answering the call. 

Why? Because she would able to handle any problem thanks to having years of experience and a vagina, unlike her challenger Barack Obama - who had no experience and only possibly had a vagina.

As it worked out, both got a chance to answer that late night crisis call. As Secretary of State, Hillary took (ever so briefly) the phone call about the attack on our embassy in Benghazi. But then she ignored it, just like she had ignored the hundreds of previous messages from the embassy begging for additional security.

Still, Hillary did slightly better than Obama - who not only didn't take the call but, to this day, hasn't accounted for his whereabouts at the time. Which is certainly no reason to suspect that he was engaged in a cocaine-fueled orgy with actor Kal Penn in the Lincoln bedroom, and we'd be the last ones to even suggest such a thing.

And then there's the much-reviled President Trump. 

Not only was he genuinely ready to deal with a crisis, at 3 a.m., he actually flew to Andrews Air Force Base to welcome home the three American prisoners released from North Korea.

The Left is still obsessed with slickness and style points (no matter how ineffectual), while a growing number of Americans are voicing their support of a President who keeps producing tangible and substantial accomplishments.

And yes, we will sleep better tonight because of that.

(Editorial note: A previous version of today's cartoon & commentary incorrectly stated that Trump flew to Alaska. That's what we get for trying to write while sober.)

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS MRI's?

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, MRI, seizures, sleep disorder

Owing to our great enthusiasm for trying new things which can't somehow be avoided, we experienced our first MRI brain scan yesterday and learned some very important things about our mental makeup. Like, how quickly we'd start spilling state secrets if tortured.

The MRI scan was looking for the cause of our previously documented nighttime tap-dancing and self-pugilism. The bad news is that the condition seems to be getting a bit worse. But the good news is that with all this practice, our nocturnal choreography is now fabulous!

We'll admit that we were slightly apprehensive about the procedure owing to it's extreme similarity to being buried alive. But our fears were quickly allayed by a friendly, soft-spoken technician wearing a hijab who assured us there would be no danger from the immense, whirling mega-magnet as long as we removed our hearing aids and...and...

Okay, we don't know what the other dangers were because our hearing aids were gone. The rest of the instructions were basically delivered in pantomime as we stretched out on the pallet which would soon slide us into the heart of the electromagnetic storm.

We were given headphones to allow us to listen to relaxing music during the procedure, and we'd actually burned our own CD of soothing favorites which didn't mention death much. After the headphones, a metal cage was locked over our upturned face and the technician slipped into the adjoining room to push the "Fire One" button.

While waiting in the tube (and only opening our eyes once, which was a mistake) we had a lot of quality time to think about a variety of things:

• Did someone leave an oxygen tank in the room which could be sucked explosively into the space currently occupied by my head?

• If there's a metal alien implant in my head, will it puree my brain once the MRI starts spinning it like a particle accelerator? (Go ahead and laugh about the alien implant thing, but I could tell you stories...)

• Is there an active shooter in the building?

• Is it actually possible to choke to death on your own post-nasal drip?

But these thoughts were quickly banished when the machine started whirling, beeping, banging, shaking, and occasionally emitting Klaxon signals of the kind usually only heard on a submarine attempting an emergency dive.

This cacophony went on for a LONG time, largely drowning out poor Enya as she tried to croon "Orinoco Flow" to a hyperventilating, increasingly panic-ridden deaf guy. In total, our stay in the MRI tube lasted about 40 minutes, which feels a lot longer when you're trying to convince yourself that you actually can breathe, no matter what your heart and lungs are telling you.

But eventually it was over and the friendly technician smiled and said...well...

We have no idea what she said, because our hearing aids were still in a locker in the next room. But she seemed happy enough, and pulled a contrast-injecting needle out of our arm before helping us sit up. She also gave us a small bottle of water which, oddly, seemed to be shaking quite a bit.

A couple of hours after returning home to our beloved wife, faithful dog, and cheap scotch, we got a phone call from the MRI facility giving us the good news that the procedure hadn't spotted any "gross abnormalities," which constitutes a clinically significant difference between our brain and Hillary Clinton's birthday suit.

The other good news is that these results make it far more likely that our wacky sleep condition (which our neurologist, with a twinkle in her eye, describes as "violent seizures") is probably just a weird reaction to an antidepressant we started about 6 months ago...and are now getting off of as quickly as possible.

So hopefully we'll soon be able to shelve our tap shoes and put this whole thing to bed. So to speak.

SPECIAL WTF BONUS!

This may not be our brightest idea, but if you want to see one of our more colorful nighttime episodes, here's your chance. If you click this link, you can download an MP4 file of some highly kinetic night time video we recently took (about 40 seconds long). TRIGGER WARNING: In complete seriousness, this footage is potentially upsetting even though we added The Who's "Cobwebs & Strange" as a soundtrack because we have a really strange sense of humor and it works beautifully. But really, think twice before clicking because it's not a joke or a put on and you can't unsee this.

If you take the plunge, note that the real-time speed of the footage has not been altered, there is no particular discomfort for your humble narrator while this nonsense is going on other than chagrin and annoyance (there's no pain, no loss of consciousness, and no after effects), and that the subject is wearing a CPAP mask and not just huffing paint fumes. As an additional bonus, you can enjoy a special surprise guest appearance by Penny, the official emotional support dog of Hope n' Change!

Please don't share the video with others or on any social media sites. Unless, of course, you happen to be friends with a top notch neurologist, or know a booking agent for America's Got Talent.

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Birdbrains of a Feather

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mueller, mullah, iran deal, nukes, obama, kerry

We couldn't help but be struck by the similarities between "Mueller" and "Mullah" when considering the day's news.

In Mueller's case, he rejected an offer from Trump's legal team to have the President answer all of the special investigator's questions in writing. This was unacceptable because all Mueller would get out of that would be answers to his questions rather than a chance to impeach Trump for lack of motor control over his mouth.

Meanwhile, Iran's top Mullah was one of many in that country (and others) who wasn't happy to hear that the President is pulling the United States out of the idiotic, one-sided "nuclear agreement" negotiated by John "Horseface" Kerry and Barack "Hussein" Obama.

And it's a good thing: the Obama "agreement" (never voted on by our elected representatives) cut back on Iranian sanctions, repatriated (and then some) staggering sums of money for the country to use to fund terrorism and work on nuke-capable missiles, and pretty much guaranteed that Iran would have an unfettered nuclear weapons program in 2025...assuming they hadn't already achieved such in their hidden and/or "self inspected" nuclear research facilities.

We see this as a double win for Trump and the American people. And no, we're not tired of winning yet.

FIGURES OF SPEECH

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hillary, melania, accent, no ways tired

First Lady Melania Trump gave a speech this week to lay out an anti-bullying campaign that she'll be leading. She was gracious, eloquent, and compelling...but Progressives immediately took to the Twitterverse to disparage the world traveling, multi-lingual First Lady for having a "funny accent" and not "sounding like an American."

This in a country where we now have to punch buttons on our phones if we wish to continue a conversation in English.

Of course, no such criticisms from the Left ever appeared when former First Lady Hillary Clinton made a magical vocal transformation into a character straight out of "Amos and Andy" when addressing a crowd of African-Americans.

We will also point out that unlike our current First Lady, Mrs. Clinton "ain't no ways" bilingual. Sure, she's two faced - but they both speak English.

Monday, May 7, 2018

Die Hardest

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, john mccain, cancer, funeral, trump, die hard, john McClane

We're not huge fans of Senator John McCain, but we do have to give him grudging style points for planning the guest list at his own funeral and letting the world know that President Trump is not invited.

The animosity between the two men is well documented and well deserved, with each thinking (with considerable justification) that the other is a complete a**hole. Certainly Donald Trump didn't cover himself in glory when he said of McCain, "He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." Ouch.

We'll let the historians sort out the issue of McCain's heroism, and instead focus on the immense service he's given to the country with 40 years as the Senate's single most reliable vote for anything the Democrats are pushing. Not that his accomplishments have been limited to politics; few know that he was also responsible for telling Marlon Brando to "stuff your cheeks with cotton like I do" to play the Godfather.

Despite our political disagreements with McCain, we're genuinely sorry that he is apparently nearing the last stages of a terminal illness. And remarkably, despite everything, he seems to have retained his famous sense of humor. For instance, he recently told Joe Biden to stay in politics.

As the saying goes, "always leave 'em laughing."

The Eternal McFlame.

Friday, May 4, 2018

Our Motto: Be Repaired

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, boy scouts, campfire, name change

Yes, it's true...the "boy part" has been cut from the Boy Scout program, and the members (so to speak) will only be referred to as genderless scouts.

The change is due to the fact that the organization now allows girls (and middle-aged men who identify as girls) to join in the campfire-building, merit badge-earning, marshmallow-toasting fun and therefore didn't want a repugnant, divisive, gender specific name like that still used by those sex Nazi's in the "Girl Scouts."

Technically, the official name of the program will be Scout BSA, so the word "boy" is still hidden in there, but much like the word "colored" which lurks in the name of the NAACP, we're all supposed to pretend that it doesn't exist.

Sadly, the real story is that not enough kids are interested in being any kind of scouts these days which is why the Boy Scouts are trying to steal as much of the Girl Scout membership as possible.

But even though we understand the rationale, we're sorry to see yet another traditional bit of masculinity bite the dust. Especially since when it comes to "social justice," even when huge accommodations are made, someone will always want s'more.

INFECTIOUS PERSONALITY

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, michelle obama, forever, first lady

Michelle Obama recently referred to herself as our "Forever First Lady," apparently under the mistaken belief that, like the "Highlander" legend, she becomes stronger and more powerful each time another First Lady dies.

We're pretty sure the system doesn't really work like that, although if we see Hillary and Michelle charging at each other with broadswords we'll have to reexamine our beliefs.

HAPPY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION DAY!

johnny optimism, medical, humor, sick, jokes, boy, wheelchair, doctors, hospital, stilton jarlsberg, cinco de mayo

Saturday is Cinco de Mayo - a very, very important holiday which celebrates half-priced margaritas, pressing "1" for English, and the complete loss of entry level jobs for actual Americans. Drink up!

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Black and White and Read All Over

We feel somewhat guilty about not discussing politics much here lately - especially since we're about to do it to you again. But here's at least a few things off the top of our head (as our long-departed hair used to say):

• We watched Michelle Wolf's "comedic" performance at the White House correspondents dinner and were vastly unimpressed. She said a lot of nasty things, but we think any actual hubbub about her performance is a waste of time because it wasn't important. And we weren't offended by her despicable ideology so much as we were offended by the fact that she wasn't very funny.  If we're wildly generous, maybe 20% of her jokes landed. The rest just flopped around on the floor and died in painful silence.

• Regarding the leaked questions Mueller wants to ask Trump, we have no idea if they were leaked by underlings of Mueller or Trump (though it's got to be one or the other). Either way, the questions reflect the preposterous nature of this "investigation." As Dorothy Parker (who, unlike Michelle Wolf, was both acerbic and hilarious) once observed, "there's no there there."

• What? Iran was lying about being in full compliance with the nuclear agreement so carefully crafted by Barack Obama?! We are shocked. Shocked.

• We still think Kanye West is a talentless idiot, but concede that he is an enormously influential one. For that reason, the fact that he's retweeting quotes from the brilliant conservative Thomas Sowell gives us a flicker of hope that a few minds may be opened to the reality of the Democrats' new plantation.

And now, let's get on with a little comedy! While tidying our office yesterday, we discovered an old and forgotten cache of Earwigs cartoons (albeit with only one caption each) which exist only on aging paper. As an act of historical preservation, we scanned them, and are sharing a few here:







Monday, April 30, 2018

Take Two Pillows and Call Me in the Morning

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, PLMD, exorcist, possession
"Try not eating pea soup before bed."
If today's cartoon seems even more baffling than usual, it's because it's not so much a witty commentary on contemporary life as a declaration of the fact that our own extremities (whom we have always treated with love and kindness) have recently decided to try murdering us in our sleep.

Seriously, over the last couple of weeks our sleep has become increasingly disturbed by periods in which our legs start spontaneously doing midnight calisthenics and high-kicking like Rockettes as we groggily look on and wonder "WTF?" This was happening several times a night.

Which is why we positioned a motion-detecting night vision camera to record video of us sleeping, a move to which our limbs clearly took exception. Because we've now not only got creepy infrared footage of our legs being possessed by Mr. Bojangles, but also a harrowing bit of video in which one arm pops upward in the dark, freezes while making a Bela Lugosi-style gesture at our face, then proceeds to start smacking us repeatedly.

And no, you can't see the video. But it's awesome and looks like it belongs in a "found footage" horror movie.

We'll be talking to our doctor about it tomorrow, but right now the smart money is on a condition called PLMD - Periodic Leg Movement Disorder. It's apparently an idiopathic condition, "idiopathic" being what doctors like to say rather than "I have no idea what's going on, but damned if I'm not going to bill you for something." And outside of causing severe sleep disruption, the condition is thought to be harmless. Unless, of course, your hand has hidden a meat-tenderizing mallet in the nightstand.

PLMD is thought to be related in some unknown way to RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome), a condition which occurs when people are awake and move their legs continuously to try to shake off the feeling that they're being bitten by millions of ants. This is also idiopathic, unless the victim happens to have a mattress teeming with actual hungry bed bugs and doesn't need a prescription so much as a can of Raid.

We're currently assuming that this weirdness is just a temporary condition related to the strong medicines we were taking for diverticulitis (all better now!) which came with such a long list of potential side effects that we bailed out after "...headache, nausea, bloody diarrhea, skin lesions, blindness, mutated offspring..." and didn't read down to the part that probably mentioned demonic possession.

We're not really worried, but if posts in the coming days seem a bit sleep-deprived you'll now know why. And if this blog suddenly starts spouting liberal dogma, by all means call in an exorcist. It means the hand has won...

Saved by the CPAP! The suspect is described as arm and dangerous.

Friday, April 27, 2018

31-derful Years

Readers- We're giving ourselves a break because we're focused on daughter Jarlsberg's 31st birthday today! For that reason, we're reposting our page from last year which was guest written in part by the birthday girl herself! We hope you'll enjoy it!

========

Hey, we at least TRIED to update the graphic.

Today we're doing something unprecedented: giving you a youthful perspective on life and living in 2017, rather than our standard fist-shaking "angry old coot with a bullhorn" perspective.

We're doing this in honor of (and with the indispensable help of) Daughter Jarlsberg, who celebrated her 30th birthday yesterday! 

If you'll allow a moment of parental gushing, she's an extraordinary young woman who - among many other accomplishments - has been a National Merit Finalist, Phi Beta Kappa college graduate, Dallas Morning News editorial writer, Symphony Orchestra musician, children's book author, and is a Speech Therapist who has a special gift for working with young children.

She's also faced (and overcome) more than her share of challenges, including significant health conditions, entering the workforce during the "lost generation" of the job-killing Obama economy, and the always-frightening possibility that she could grow up as crazy as her father. Let us all give thanks for the ameliorating qualities of Mrs. Jarlsberg's calming genes and maternal guidance.

With that preamble out of the way, here are 30 Life Lessons that this freshly-minted 30-year-old has picked up along her journey so far. Let us all learn from her wisdom...


1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns. 

2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.

3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going to be when the lights go out. 

4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal. 

5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news. 

6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts. 

7. Understand personal finance.

8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.

9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you.  My personal zen-like phrase is "be the rock in the river." 

10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper. 

11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.

12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.

13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.

14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.

15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism. 

16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily offended. 

17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you, Camelot.

18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane. 

19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone. 

20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns. Keep them close and cherish them.

21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to go with it.

22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw french fries at me. ONCE.

23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this. 

24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job satisfaction.

25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a recipe for disaster. 

26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for everyone. 

27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival Overture by Brahms. 

28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind. 

29. Life doesn't owe you a thing. 

30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little different - it reminds you that your life is yours.  So yeah, I am going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!


Good stuff, huh?  Feel free to add to this list of useful life lessons - and share 31st birthday wishes - in the comments section!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Giving a Handout Job

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, bernie sanders, $15, guarantee, jobs, program

As the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't teach simple math to Bernie Sanders." A saying which is particularly apt in light of the Vermont senator's statement that he will soon be announcing a new federal jobs program which would guarantee a $15/hour job and health benefits to every adult American who "wants or needs one."

Sure, such a program sounds like it would be prohibitively expensive, but surprisingly the whole thing could be funded simply by raising taxes so high that the evil rich and the somewhat-evil middle class will literally beg for quick, merciful deaths.

Even apart from the funding for such a program, we foresee a number of other problems with the idea:

• What the heck kind of jobs will these even be? Jobs in the actual government?! Because we're not guessing that this new pool of workers would add much in the way of efficiency for our already hopelessly moribund bureaucracies. Or will the government create businesses which will compete with their private sector counterparts, who will be at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to getting employees or actually being profitable?

• When these magical $15/hour jobs appear, what will happen to those currently making less than that amount? Oh yeah, they'll all jump ship and take the new jobs (which apparently aren't finite in number). And who will take their places? No one - unless they're stupid and hate money. Although Bernie's plan does contain a loophole: the new jobs are for adult Americans.  Meaning the jobs with substandard wages can still be performed by children.

• Bernie's plan would include job training (presumably in many languages) for any who need it. But where will these instructors come from? And how will job seekers be ferried back and forth to class? We're guessing that in any given week, one third of the group will be paid $15/hour as drivers, one third will be paid $15/hour to take classes, and the last third will get $15/hour to teach. The next week (and the one after), they all switch jobs. Finally, a perpetual motion machine!

• Businesses trying to compete for workers by offering higher wages (while simultaneously being taxed more) will have to raise consumer prices significantly just to survive. Unless, say, GovMart or GovPizza or McGovBurger undercuts those prices since they're not required to make an actual profit. So the likelihood is that prices in the private sector would shoot up until consumers rebel and desert them...after which the private businesses will close, reducing the tax base, and forcing taxes to be raised even higher to keep the program funded. This is what is known as a "death spiral" to both economists and the gigantic self-devouring worm Ouroboros.

Is Bernie's plan likely to pass? Thankfully, no - but it's a frightening bellwether of where quite a few Progressives want to take the country. And if the midterms go badly for our side, they just might possibly get the chance.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Kiwi's Playhouse

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, kiwi, diverticulitis

We're easing into the week with an Earwigs post because multiple sources in the media have declared that today, April 23, the world will come to an end - so we thought "why bother?"

The actual cause of Earth's destruction today isn't quite settled science. Some are saying that a phantom planet which usually hides coyly behind the sun will smash into us today, while others have declared that they've found previously unfathomed hints in the Bible that today will be the beginning of Armageddon. In either case, you'll surely be able to catch it all on Facebook Live.

It's particularly ironic that our planet is going kaput today because we're no longer incapacitated by acute diverticulitis. We're actually much improved, and pounced on a dab of scrambled eggs and white toast today in much the same way that the bird above would hurl itself at a worm if he ever sees one.

Eggs and toast might not sound like deluxe dining, but after a week of dining on thin broth, Werther's originals, teriyaki sauce, and gummi worms it felt like a feast! And this is as good a place as any to thank everyone for their well wishes and advice over the past week - all were (and are!) very much appreciated.

And no, we still can't drink liquor. So we wish the news media would make a greater effort to meet us halfway by not reporting so many things that would normally drive us to drink.

Further bulletins as warranted, and see you in the comments section! (And if anyone has previously missed it, just click on the title above each day's cartoon - like "Kiwi's Playhouse" today - and you'll be whisked away to the comments section where wisdom and hilarity cavort in equal measures!)

Friday, April 20, 2018

Whirled View

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, Earth day, environment, Al Gore

Sure, there are a lot of important stories in the news lately - but can any story possibly be as important as saving our entire planet?! Excluding, apparently, any story about a top-heavy porn star or the nightmarish discovery of 8000 domestic hideouts for racist baristas.

But saving the world is right up there, which is why it's so important to take part in your local Earth Day activities this Sunday! Whether it's shutting off the electricity to your home or iron lung, not flushing the family toilet all day, eschewing burgers made from flatulent cows, or simply holding your breath to avoid exhaling poisonous carbon dioxide - every little bit helps.

The time for skepticism about our growing environmental catastrophe has passed, assuming that "skepticism" means "asking for scientific data which is at least marginally plausible." Consensus science tells us that Mother Nature, ruffled and ravaged, deserves to be at the forefront of the #MeToo movement - and not just because of that night she can't quite remember with Bill Cosby.

This Earth Day, don't be an energy-wasting planet-destroying wastrel like Leonardo DiCaprio or Al Gore. Be like this guy...


FROM THE VAULT

A hand-chosen selection of environmentally conscious cartoons from our past...




And with Starbucks in the news, let's revisit their monumentally unsuccessful and quickly aborted "Let's Talk About Race" campaign from several years ago! Apparently having access to free coffee isn't enough to help slow learners...


Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Whine and Cheese

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, diverticulitis, medicare, insurance, whine

Let us be honest up front: today's post is all about venting and complaining. Not about the news, which is about as screwed up as usual, but rather some more personal issues. Like...

• ACUTE DIVERTICULITIS

The verdict is in about our abdominal pain. It's an attack of acute diverticulitis which will take some time to resolve. The good news is that, not so long ago, the standard treatment for diverticulitis was to slice you open and start pulling out organs.

Now, we can be treated with antibiotics - but there's a catch: one of the antibiotics needs to be taken with food so it won't burn a hole through your stomach the way the Alien's molecular-acid blood burned through deck plates. BUT...the doctor has ordered "no food" for up to two weeks - just clear liquids.

This wouldn't necessarily be unlivable were it not for the fact that a second antibiotic will give you violent projectile vomiting if you have so much as a sip of alcohol. So this is going to be a long friggin' two weeks.

• INSURANCE SUCKS, PART ONE

Remember that hail storm we mentioned last week? We've already had one roofer inspect the damage and say (surprise!) we need a new roof. But here's the rub: we last replaced our roof in 2003, and we got the best (and most expensive) materials available. For that reason, our sturdy roof has survived when all of our thriftier neighbors have gotten new roofs over the years - some multiple times - from their homeowners insurance.

But OUR insurance had a little surprise for us: "If your roof is older than 10 years, we triple your deductible." In this case, to around $9,000. So will the insurance pay anything above that? Maybe yes, maybe no - because besides sticking us with that insane deductible, they also plan to depreciate the roof because of it's age. So the likelihood is that the insurance we religiously pay for won't cover doodly squat. Hell, we may owe them money just for making their phone ring.

• INSURANCE SUCKS, PART TWO

As if we weren't already in a rotten mood (and we are!), we got a letter today in which Medicare essentially told us to attempt conjugal relations with a rolling donut regarding a recent bill.

We won't get into medical details, but this involves an expensive test (as in multiple thousands of dollars) which was pretty damn important. But Medicare has decided the test was neither necessary or reasonable and won't pay a dime. "But don't worry," they assure us, "since the fault belongs with your doctor who ordered this unreasonable, unnecessary test, we'll force them to pay the whole bill."

Let's think this through: a doctor (an excellent doctor with a prestigious practice) is essentially going to be penalized for ordering a very important and entirely necessary test. So what do you think will happen the next time the doctor thinks someone needs that test? Right - the test won't be ordered and the patient will suffer the potentially catastrophic consequences. 

It's a win-win-win for the government: they don't pay off on the Medicare promises they've made, they discourage doctors from even ordering tests and, in the long run, more people die early and won't be collecting their government benefits. Genius!

• THEY GO IN THREES

In the past few days we lost Art Bell, the master of creepy conspiracy late night radio, R. Lee Ermey, who burned his way into our national consciousness with his role of "The Gunny" in the film "Full Metal Jacket" and, closest to our heart, actor/magician/con-man Harry Anderson.

In that same period of time, we're unaware of any complete a**holes dying. So what's the deal, Death?!

We could continue ranting about these and other matters, but it's time for us to eat our delicious sugar-free jello and take that stomach-destroying pill.

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(Update: After writing the above, we learned of the passing of former first lady Barbara Bush. Her strength and classiness will be missed.)