Comey Over

The long-touted DOJ inspector general's report on James Comey's bizarre antics as FBI head was finally made public yesterday, and it's safe to say that it feels more than a little underwhelming.

Oh sure, it catalogs plenty of wrongdoing, but backs away from accusing Comey of intending to do harm...in much the same way Comey himself gave a ludicrous free pass to Hillary Clinton despite her demonstrable panoply of high and low crimes.

The report, which we admittedly haven't read in full owing to actually having A) a semblance of a life and B) no faith whatsoever in the DOJ, calls Comey's actions "extraordinary and insubordinate" - which sounds more like the title of a bad Matt Damon/Ben Affleck film than the final words Comey should hear as a cell door clangs shut behind him.

The report also mentions the desire of various FBI agents working on Hillary's case to "stop Trump," which sounds pretty darn politically motivated to us...but then, swamp dwellers seem to live by different rules.

Our takeaway is that the highly-politicized Comey and his crew destroyed the credibility of the FBI which isn't really a good thing for the rule of law in our nation. In fact, this inspector general's report mostly serves as another reminder that we are too often ruled by the lawless.

BONUS: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, GOD

In a startling bit of research which definitively proves, once and for all, that "researching" is the easiest job on Earth, a composite picture of the face of God has been assembled based on the scientifically precise method of having 511 people look at mugshot-style faces and then choose the ones which most look like God. Presumably after the Almighty was being booked for something.

When a computer combined the selected sketches into a single image, it was revealed that many conservative Christians believe that God looks like Jimmy Fallon, while liberals saw God as being a bit younger, a bit more feminine, and a bit more likely to have a really long, detailed and annoyingly precise set of instructions to give the barista at Starbucks.

Frankly, we find the resulting image to be a little less than awe-inspiring. In fact, we think the only thing this pointless exercise proves is that people are spending a lot more time watching late night TV than reading the Bible.

Nork, Nork! Who's There?

President Donald Trump bumfoozled the world and the media for the umpteenth time on Monday when he had a successful meeting with North Korea's nuke-happy little dictator, Kim Jung Un, to talk about a world in which neither nation has to reduce the other to glowing radioactive debris.

This has, of course, been derided by Trump's critics (and they are legion) as either a completely meaningless gesture or a godawful tragedy of historic proportions. If not both.

We see it a little differently. Donald Trump has opened the door for meaningful progress with North Korea...and it's far too early to know if it will pay off or not. That being said, even getting to this stage was considered impossible by previous administrations, so Trump deserves considerable credit.

Based on the progress made, it seems that Kim Jung Un is a little more willing to deal with a President who takes a tough stance ("I will bomb you so bigly that your entire country will be like molten lava spraying from the devil's butthole") rather than the more nuanced approach affected by Barack Obama.

And by nuanced, we mean acting like a prissy pantywaist when he watched North Korea launch test missiles towards Hawaii on the freaking 4th of July and still gave no more reaction than a cocked eyebrow, pursed lips, and an exasperated sigh.

It was basically the same sneering reaction Barry would have at a formal dinner if he spied someone incorrectly using a salad fork instead of the escargot fork...while completely losing sight of the more important fact that any fork is a danger in the hands of a volatile, sociopathic murderer.

Here at Stilton's Place, we still don't really understand Donald Trump...but we do understand winning and, from the Left, whining.

And currently we're enjoying both.

BONUS: NORM!!!

"Dammit Bill, don't get any of her blood on my private email server!"

Bill Clinton continues to be the anti-feminist gift that keeps on giving. When recently talking about disgraced former Senator Al Franken getting busted for fanny fondling, the syphilitic ex-president offered up this rationale as a feeble defense: "The norms have really changed in terms of what you can do to somebody against their will."

Apparently in Bill Clinton's world, there was once a "norm" in which it was okay to have state troopers drag women to his hotel room, it was okay to drop trow and do an enticing weenie-waggle, it was okay to take sexual advantage of women too young and stupid to know better, it was okay to shove cigars up their tunnel of love, it was okay to threaten women (or worse) who didn't keep their mouths shut and, of course, it was okay in Bill Clinton's "norm" to rape a woman and leave her bleeding in bed after chewing on her.

And the Left agreed, for decades, that this not only was the norm but it was empowering for women. Because otherwise, they'd have had to condemn Bill Clinton and the loathsome wife who enabled (and possibly encouraged?) this appalling behavior.

#MeToo is finally saying the things that conservatives had been saying all along. Welcome to the club, ladies.

Soros Loser

One of the easiest ways of gauging the success of the Trump administration is by checking the misery index of progressive billionaire troublemaker George Soros. It's a perfectly inverse (and perverse) relationship, in which the better things get, the worse Soros feels.

Which is why Soros's recent statement that "everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong," is a cause for celebration among those of us who actually love America.

The sloth-like Bond villain, who was utterly convinced that his contributions to Hillary Clinton would amount to the successful purchase of a President of the United States, now thinks he was "living in my own bubble." Which isn't really rare among ultra-weathy self-worshipping liberal whackjobs who believe their own methane emissions smell like rose blossoms.

Soros, who still receives royalties from Lucasfilms whenever Jabba the Hutt appears onscreen, is convinced that Donald Trump is "willing to destroy the world" by doing things like trying to get the North Koreans and Iranians to give up their nuclear ambitions and building a strong American economy in which fewer people become slaves to the state.

Actually, George, he's only destroying your world...and the dystopian nightmare that you and your hirelings had planned for us.

So let us rejoice in Soros's misery and also be reminded of a very important truth: money can't buy happiness or, in some cases, plastic surgery capable of removing really hideous eye bags.

BONUS: "...AND EAT IT, TOO."

What we lack in geopolitical economic expertise here at Stilton's Place, we make up for with succinctness.

Radical Moosedom Extremists

As the G7 Summit begins in Quebec, trade war tensions are crackling in the air. In part because prissy Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau recently asked how his country could possibly be a "national security issue" for the United States, after which political historian Donald Trump accused Canada of burning down the White House during the War of 1812...

In fairness, this is a traditional way for Canadians to keep warm.

Which they pretty much did, depending on how you want to parse the semantics: the White House pyromaniacs were technically British citizens at the time, but many of the torch-bearers were born Canucks as we know from their well-remembered battle cry: "So let's burn this place down, eh?"

With this in mind, we now take you on a trip into the recent past to remember how the chilling (literally) threat of Canadian terror was dealt with under Barack Hussein Obama...

FROM THE VAULT (Friday March 22, 2013)

Barack Hussein Obama kicked open the door for Mideast peace yesterday by sharing his insight that the relationship between Israelis and Palestinians is almost exactly the same as the relationship between Americans and Canadians.

Granted, the Canadians haven't sworn to wipe America off the face of the Earth, nor do they constantly barrage our cities with rockets and mortar rounds, or send suicide bombers to blow the hell out of innocents in public places. But other than that, those Canadians are really hateful bastards.

And yet, after centuries of bloodshed and warfare between our two nations, Barack Obama has finally managed to negotiate an uneasy peace with those snowbound, French-speaking assholes by recognizing their divine right to have their own nation-state separate from the United States, as well as the religious freedom to say "aboot" when the sons of bitches clearly mean "about."

And so too, according to the president, the Palestinians and Israelis can come to a meaningful peace by following our example and, perhaps, fielding hockey teams.

Or then again, maybe the Palestinians and Israelis can achieve a real peacemaking victory simply by finding just one thing that both sides can agree on.

We think "Barack Obama is a complete effing idiot" would be a really good start.

So, you know, you should watch for anything that's like syrup-titious, eh?

Missed America

Sorry, Busty (and heterosexual males) but when the Miss America Organization announced that there would be "no swimsuits" in this year's competition, they weren't adding nudity to the mix - but rather insuring that in these #MeToo times, the contestants would be properly and fully covered to protect them from the lustful gazes of the babe-centric.

In fact, the women "will no longer be judged on outward physical appearance" at all...

Clearly this is a huge step forward for those who hate attractive women (and who doesn't?) and also represents a huge door-opening opportunity for the many women who've been unable to peddle their wares onstage since sideshows were outlawed.

The event (which is not to be called a "pageant" ever again) will now feature women, or people who want to be women, or people who are becoming women being judged (wait, can we still say "judged?" Shouldn't it be "honored?") while wearing the evening garb of their choice and "discussing how they will advance their social impact initiatives." Wow, talk about HOT!

The Miss America event is at least keeping the talent competition, so we can still judge - oops, honor! - women who can twirl batons, play "Lady of Spain" on the accordion, solve a Rubik's cube, read self-written poems celebrating abortion, or devour a 72-ounce steak in under 5 minutes without using her hands.

We are also given to understand that the "Miss Congeniality" award will now be replaced by a "Miss Congenital Defect" award, and we think it's high time!

The event will be televised on ABC on September 9th. If you're like us, you're already marking your calendar to make sure that your television (just like males all over America) won't get turned on.

BONUS: I DID NOT PLAY SAX WITH THAT WOMAN

Bill was wiping his servers long before Hillary got the idea.

In a hilarious appearance on NBC's "Today Show" to tout a novel he allegedly co-wrote, Bill Clinton was unexpectedly grilled on how he views the Monica Lewinsky scandal in light of progressive America's sudden realization that sexually abusing young women and destroying their reputations might not be the good-natured fun the Left always assumed it to be.

Slick Willy (looking increasingly like he's got a bad case of Sick Willy) was clearly annoyed by the host's repeated questions, denied any real wrongdoing, repeatedly claimed he'd apologized to Lewinsky before admitting that he hasn't (and won't), and also whined that he "didn't get out free" because he left the White House with $16 million in legal bills. None of which, as we recall, were actually related to his degradation of a woman 27 years his junior, but were rather a byproduct of his repeatedly lying under oath.

Clearly, Bill's not going to break his lifelong habits of lying and sexual predation just to please the transitory #MeToo movement. Especially since he sees all women as #MeatToo.

Monkey Business

Following the brouhaha about Valerie Jarrett and "The Planet of the Apes," we thought it was a good idea to run a quick experiment to see what was and wasn't still acceptable in the world of political mockery. For this reason, we quickly whipped up the above comparison to Nancy Pelosi and a random baby monkey who would probably make better policy decisions.

The results amazed us: not only did we NOT get sent to Facebook jail (yet), but at last count the picture had been shared with 687,211 people. A number which is all the more humbling when you think that if each one of those people sent us only a dollar, we could be having a way better Monday than we're actually having...and one which would probably involve popping champagne corks and a number of hilariously rude phone calls to people who annoy us in everyday life.

But no, Facebook glory neither lasts nor pays...but it was still fun to see such a silly post catch on fire for a bit, especially since it emitted the scorched scent of burning liberal fur.

And for the eagle-eyed among you, yes, our Facebook page is still called "Hope n' Change" though we're now trying to change it to "Stilton's Place," if only to better screw with Facebook's algorithms.

I Beg Your Pardon / The Unkindest Crack

President Trump issued a tweet yesterday which commendably did not mention apes or monkeys in any form, but which instead announced his intention to issue a pardon to the brilliant conservative thinker, writer, and commentator Dinesh D'Souza.

D'Souza (who is believed by many to be the great-grandson of patriotic "March King" John Philip D'Souza) had previously been found guilty in 2012 of contributing too much money (over $10,000) to a candidate for Senate, using several proxies to sneak the money through the door. Was he guilty of wrongdoing? Totally. And unlike most Democrats, he had neither the guile to hide his crime tidily, or the ability to claim outright stupidity and have it seem plausible.

That being said, D'Souza was - to quote Trump's tweet - "treated very unfairly by our government." Specifically because they sentenced him to a $30,000 fine, 5 years of probation, 8 months in a halfway house, community service, and the loss of his ability to vote.

In similar cases involving Democrats, you don't see anything like those punishments. Or punishments at all. Of course, when Democrats are involved, you also don't tend to see such itty-bitty amounts of money involved.

No, when you want to illegally shove money into the pocket of some generic Democrat candiate whom, picking a name at random, we'll call "Hillary," your smarter election fraudsters will hire the candidate's husband to make a speech in a language no one in the audience understands about lunchbox safety, or ways to keep cigars moist, or international fiscal policy ("Get everyone to donate to the starving orphans of storm-wracked Haiti, then keep all the money and enjoy a dream vacation on Pedophile Island!") and pay him half a million dollars as a "speaking fee" which will conveniently end up paying campaign expenses.

No muss, no fuss, no criminal convictions, and no misadventures in the shower room of the halfway house (which raises the question: is it still a prison rape if things only go in halfway?)

In any event, we regret that D'Souza made such an idiotic choice (not a "mistake") in the first place, but we're glad that he is now receiving a well-deserved pardon. At least in part because it will really honk off Liberals again, which is always a great way to start the weekend!

BONUS: THE UNKINDEST CRACK (Caution: unavoidably R-rated!)

Literally one day after all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman or any other primate, alleged comedian Samantha Bee (whose show is the gynecologically named "Full Frontal") took to the airwaves to declare that  "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt."

And did Hollywood immediately lose its collective crap about this most unacceptable of sexually derisive obscenities?! It did not - because liberals believe that conservatives deserve every conceivable insult, no matter how foul or sexually charged.

For instance, withered miniature actress Sally Field, much beloved for her eons-ago role in TV's "The Flying Cunt" and the big screen "Forrest Cunt," tweeted "I like Samantha Bee a lot, but she is flat wrong to call Ivanka a cunt. Cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest."

And of course, the Twitterverse went crazy, praising Ms. Field's wit and wisdom.

So if we're getting this straight (not that we mean to use a term which could seem homophobic or sexually binary), it's now a compliment to call a woman a cunt...and it only applies to progressive women?

The notion runs contrary to our upbringing and every fibre of our being...but thanks to women like Samantha Bee and Sally Fields, the idea is actually starting to grow on us.

Deja Virtue

If you found yourself having difficulty buying your overpriced addictive drug of choice yesterday, it was likely because 8000 Starbucks locations had closed for the day in order to help their employees learn not to be KKK-loving bigots who have trouble differentiating between a latte and a lynching.

Or at least, that's pretty much the implication when a major corporation feels the need to take (and promote) such drastic actions. They're practically screaming "Mea Culpa," although can't actually do so because using Latin in front of people who've had only a poor public education is also considered racist and non-egalitarian and sexist if a blond says "what?"

But in complete candor, we find much that is admirable about the training Starbucks is paying for. Not because it will do any more good than hanging up a sign with The Golden Rule in every location, but rather because we have such appreciation for the con-artists who are teaching the baristas how to deal with their unconscious bias. By definition, it will be impossible to see results - which is the tastiest scam we've heard since the idea of charging $7 for a cup of java.

The "unconscious racial bias" instructors might as well be charging each location $2000 to scare away invisible tigers. Can anyone prove their services aren't working? And is the web domain for InvisibleTigersBegone.com still available?

Of course, the real purpose of the training isn't to aid race relations. Rather, it's a very expensive bit of well publicized virtue signaling intended to showcase the idea that Starbucks is absolutely, positively, not racist when it comes to overcharging suckers for coffee.

At least, not consciously.

Carnies have feelings too, you bastards.

BONUS: ABC-ING YOU!

Well that didn't take long. ABC has abruptly cancelled the new "Roseanne" series owing to an allegedly racist tweet sent by the show's star.

The tweet in question suggested that Valerie Jarrett, Obama's Iranian-born puppet master, was the offspring of the "Muslim Brotherhood and the Planet of the Apes"...

Was it a stupid and tasteless joke? Sure. But was it really reason enough to cancel a successful TV series, especially with Barr quickly offering an apology? We don't think so.

Rather, we think ABC was relieved to be able to dump the show in part because it was successful. And they were further tickled to be able to slap the "racist" label on this "pro-Trump" show which wasn't so much pro-Trump (the show was still overwhelmingly liberal) as it was pro-working class. A class which the liberal Left doesn't really like to get noticed, as the plight of America's working families so clearly reflects the cruel impact of the Democrats' countless political failures.

Personally, we thought the show was okay-ish...and it was the only network show we'd watched in years. If Starbucks was running the network, we presume that Roseanne might have gotten scolded for unconscious racial bias instead of canned.

But then, that wouldn't allow ABC to label all of the show's fans and all of Trump's supporters as racists, would it?

Playing the Brace Card

During our restorative week off, there was certainly no lack of interesting news. Topping the list were the continuing revelations that our nation's corrupt, out-of-control intelligence agencies were pretty much all involved in a deep and dirty conspiracy to keep Donald Trump from being elected, and that the swamp dwellers didn't really worry about getting caught because they assumed the Queen of the Swamp would soon be President and would quietly bury their misdeeds as tidily as she'd buried Vince Foster and Seth Rich.

But just who the hell was this woman these agencies were trying to put in charge? The mysteries around Hillary only continue to grow...

Recently, people have been wondering why Mrs. Clinton is showing up for hot weather events wearing thick pantsuits, coats, and an omnipresent scarf which occasionally blows aside to reveal some sort of odd structure under her clothing. Odder, even, than her actual body.

The speculation is that it's a back brace...but from what circumstance, and why would she hide it? Then again, Hillary wasn't exactly forthcoming about her post-Benghazi brain trauma and loss of memory, her use of prismatic glasses, her recent need for a therapeutic boot, or having her arm in a cast after taking an alleged slip (or sip?) in the bathtub.

Oh sure, she could just be coquettish about the fact that her aging body is falling apart, but we can't help but wonder if it's something more sinister than that. What if Hillary is being rebuilt, piece by piece, to become a cyborg capable of being a shrill and annoying presence in future elections for the rest of eternity?!

Oh sure, it seems far-fetched, but this week we also saw the Left-leaning media celebrating when they thought North Korea wouldn't negotiate on nuclear disarmament, and top Democrats celebrating the beautiful "spark of divinity" in the bosom of every vicious MS-13 killer and rapist.

Is Robo-Hillary harder to believe than that? We think not.

KEYNOTE UNDRESS

Some stories are just too dumb for us to ignore. As a case in point, West Hollywood just presented their "Key to the City" to porn actress Stormy Daniels for her great community service in screwing married men and violating non-disclosure agreements.

Of course, that's not what they said she was being honored for. Rather, it was for her tremendous leadership in the "resist" movement (even though she didn't "resist" and never has unless she was worried that the check wouldn't clear) and for "speaking truth to power," which makes us wonder what the hell "truth" they're talking about. This is hardly a Wikileaks type situation, although Ms. Daniels should get full credit for kicking off the new phenomenon of Dikileaks.

We'd say more, but we have a sudden urge to go register a new domain name.

LAST...BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

Today is Memorial Day. A special day of remembrance and appreciation for the countless men and women who have given their lives in the service of our country.

Their sacrifice deserves much more than the petty political bickering which cheapens our national discourse and casts a shadow over our values. In memory of these heroes, let us all try to be of service to our country and countrymen, in ways both big and small.

It's an important way to say "thank you" on this day...and every other.

Ketchup Week

"Honey! I'm gonna need another bottle!"

We're taking the week off to play catch up (and to give you a break from what would otherwise have been a week of health complaints related to getting old and/or random Earwig cartoons).

Of course, if something really exciting happens in the news ("Hillary Arrested - Not Likely To See Daylight Ever Again") we'll jump back into the mix and will notify everyone on the email list that there's fresh non-condiment content here.

Otherwise, we'll see you here next Monday...or in the comments section, which is always open for business as usual!    -Stilton

PS:

We got there early Saturday morning to avoid crowds, then no one else showed up.
Frankly, we don't see why this was supposed to be such a big deal.

No Good Deed...

As the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished," and this is especially true if your good deed is allowing someone to run a periscope up your rear end just to help them add a few new specimens to their polyp collection.

But such was the case yesterday when Mrs. Jarlsberg went in for a colonoscopy, which is usually no big deal apart from the rectal fireworks involved in the "prep" for the procedure. Notice that the key word in that sentence was "usually," which should have been your foreshadowing that things did not go spiffingly for Mrs. J.

Apparently, due to an unusual occurrence that happens "only once or twice a year" according to a medical professional in a crisp white uniform who absolutely, positively wasn't just trying to fend off a lawsuit, while knocked cold for the procedure Mrs. J developed a case of upchuck-itis and thus aspirated nasty body fluids directly into her lungs. Which is why, only hours after returning home, she was having bone-wracking chills and spiking a fever. An eventuality which, according to a piece of paper we'd been given (it proved impossible to actually speak to a human on the doctor's staff), meant you should head to the emergency room with all due haste.

To make an incredibly long story slightly shorter, in the ER she was diagnosed with pneumonia, plugged into various bags of fluid, and checked in to the hospital for a 24 hour observation. And it's worth mentioning before she say anything else that she's doing well, and there's currently no reason to think she won't be coming home to castle Jarlsberg today (Friday). Yay!

Of course, we don't want to make the story so short that we can't pause to complain about how mind-numbingly slow the process of being admitted to the hospital is. Apparently the drill consists of speaking to someone in scrubs and giving them your entire life history and medical history, then telling them why you're in their Emergency Room. Upon completion of this process, a different person takes the place of the first, and asks all the same questions. This repeats approximately five times, which really ceases to be amusing when you're feeling like crap, after which you get to speak to an actual doctor. Albeit one with a nearly indecipherable third world accent.

Among the questions repeatedly asked:

• Are you a smoker? Have you ever smoked? Have you been around smokers?
• Do you prefer to learn by reading or listening? (We swear this is a real question)
• Do you use recreational drugs? (No, silly, we abuse recreational drugs)
• Is there any chance, Mrs. AARP Medicare Insurance, that you're pregnant? (In fairness, the nurse probably only asked this because of your narrator's obvious testosterone-drenched  masculinity.)

Surprisingly, we were not asked whether we heard "Laurel" or "Yanny," although if we had been we would have answered "Laurel, and anyone who says otherwise is full of sh*t."

Soooo, it's been a long and pretty crappy day. Mrs. J will surely be fine (she's the strong one in this family), but all positive thoughts, prayers, and good vibes are much appreciated. As will be any generous cash donations to organizations which oppose butt exploration.

Also, please don't tell her we wrote an entire blog post about her colonoscopy. She'll kill us when she gets home - but we'll die with a relieved smile on our face.

BY THE WAY...

Picture If You Will...

Our title today is a tip of the hat to Rod Serling's wonderful "Twilight Zone," a place that you're in right now owing to the fact that we didn't want to get into politics today (seriously, there's not much fun to be had with the violence in Israel, CIA leakers, or Melania Trump's kidney woes) but we also needed some kind of content for today's post.

And by now, you know what that means (cue creepy "Twilight Zone" music)...Earwigs!

Today we've got another sprinkling of cartoons from years and years ago, back when we were still writing just one punchline for a piece of clipart rather than seeing how many different angles we could come up with before our brain, like a forcibly wrung dish towel, finally drip-drip-dripped to a halt.

So in no particular order, for no particular reason, and with no discernible logic, here they are. Enjoy!