Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Missed America

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Sorry, Busty (and heterosexual males) but when the Miss America Organization announced that there would be "no swimsuits" in this year's competition, they weren't adding nudity to the mix - but rather insuring that in these #MeToo times, the contestants would be properly and fully covered to protect them from the lustful gazes of the babe-centric.

In fact, the women "will no longer be judged on outward physical appearance" at all...

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Clearly this is a huge step forward for those who hate attractive women (and who doesn't?) and also represents a huge door-opening opportunity for the many women who've been unable to peddle their wares onstage since sideshows were outlawed.

The event (which is not to be called a "pageant" ever again) will now feature women, or people who want to be women, or people who are becoming women being judged (wait, can we still say "judged?" Shouldn't it be "honored?") while wearing the evening garb of their choice and "discussing how they will advance their social impact initiatives." Wow, talk about HOT!

The Miss America event is at least keeping the talent competition, so we can still judge - oops, honor! - women who can twirl batons, play "Lady of Spain" on the accordion, solve a Rubik's cube, read self-written poems celebrating abortion, or devour a 72-ounce steak in under 5 minutes without using her hands.

We are also given to understand that the "Miss Congeniality" award will now be replaced by a "Miss Congenital Defect" award, and we think it's high time!

The event will be televised on ABC on September 9th. If you're like us, you're already marking your calendar to make sure that your television (just like males all over America) won't get turned on.


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Bill was wiping his servers long before Hillary got the idea.
In a hilarious appearance on NBC's "Today Show" to tout a novel he allegedly co-wrote, Bill Clinton was unexpectedly grilled on how he views the Monica Lewinsky scandal in light of progressive America's sudden realization that sexually abusing young women and destroying their reputations might not be the good-natured fun the Left always assumed it to be.

Slick Willy (looking increasingly like he's got a bad case of Sick Willy) was clearly annoyed by the host's repeated questions, denied any real wrongdoing, repeatedly claimed he'd apologized to Lewinsky before admitting that he hasn't (and won't), and also whined that he "didn't get out free" because he left the White House with $16 million in legal bills. None of which, as we recall, were actually related to his degradation of a woman 27 years his junior, but were rather a byproduct of his repeatedly lying under oath.

Clearly, Bill's not going to break his lifelong habits of lying and sexual predation just to please the transitory #MeToo movement. Especially since he sees all women as #MeatToo.


She’s A Beauty said...

Well, one thing’s for sure...the word “spooge” is criminally underused in this day and age.

Anonymous said...

Someday, I hope some brain researchers write on opus on Billary. There is very little in the scientific literature on psychopathic partnerships.

Joseph ET said...

A pundit on Fox suggested this “Event” would work well on the radio.

Mike aka Proof said...

It's understandable that Bill doesn't want to give a face to face apology to Monica.
After all, face-to-face was never a part of their relationship!

griz said...

Making America, look "great" again!

Take care, be safe.
God bless.
Griz - Alaska

Phoebe said...

Is this "no swimsuit" ruling a first step toward full burqa? In other words, not so much a me-too as an allahu-akbar?

james daily said...

Yea, I'm waiting for the law suits for the transgender, whatever the heil that is on these pageants. Now, is Miss TX not going to have swimsuits? I suppose only the weird would get a kick out of young ladies parading around a stage wearing a garbage bag. I saw a joke once or was it a joke of five wearing those black garbage sacks with the caption, "Arab Miss Universe."
Bill in the Poundmetoo group? No surprise there. Oh, thanks Stilt for not having Busty shed her belongings as my old heart is stressed enough.

james daily said...

Sorry. Dummy me forgot to honor those who served in Operation Overlord on this date in 1944. I cannot imagine the courage those Rangers had climbing those cliffs. Wading ashore into a storm of machine gun fire. Thank you for saving Europe - for sixty years.

Ruggles said...

Bill is just confused , he thought #me too meant pound me too !

Jim Irre said...

Who ever watched the Miss America pageant anyway? Big-busted bimboes calling for "whirled peas" was only funny once.

Rod said...

Regarding the photo for 2018 Miss America line-up (and how did you get that Stilt?):
They all have mice maskes.

Sortahwitte said...

Remembering D-Day and those who gave their all. So that europe could have wailing minarets.

kcmoonshiner said...

You got me...…..major coffee spit take on "spooge removal!"

Geoff King said...

So the SJWs have destroyed another great institution. Miss America without swimsuit competition will work as well as Playboy without nudes.
Might as well finish the job. Can't call it "Miss" America as that may offend transgenders. Also, won't "America" offend the beloved illegals?

Elbarto said...

"Hey! Hey! It is NOT a beauty pageant! It is a scholarship program." - Gracie Hart

Fred Ciampi said...

Has anyone seen the Miss Krispy Kream beauty calendar? (You can Google it). Well, I can hardly wait to see those 486 pound beauties walking down the runway during the Missed USA beauty pageant. And don't forget the burka clad beauties with their hidden whatever-is-under-the-tarps. OMG, it going to be such a commercial success. I'll probably have a tailgate party complete with bacon and moonshine.

And let's not forget to include the trans-whateverthehelltheythingtheyare people too.

I supposed the judging will be based on who can yodel the best and shoot hoops. Or sumptin'.

Maybe I should enter. I have lots of talent. My eight children can attest to that. Hmmmmmmmm...

TrickyRicky said...

Although I have never been a fan of beauty pageants, Stilton is correct in that the left will not rest until they have squeezed every last bit of fun from our lives. They are so, so grim and preachy. Screw them.

Thank God that our fathers and grandfathers had the spines and cajones to do what had to be done on June 6, 1944 and so many other days. If only we were worthy.

"They’re murdering us here. Let’s move inland and get murdered."
—Col. Charles D. Canham, commanding the 116th Infantry Regiment, First Infantry Division, on Omaha Beach.

Emmentaler Limburger said...

Likely swapping the swimsuit for the burqa...

Judi King said...

And the proglodyte insanity continues.
Thank God for D-Day, otherwise we might be inflicted with the Miss Nazi contest instead of the Miss Liberal Contest.
And I see Sick Willy is continuing his pathological lying.

Rob said...

Outward appearance not to be a factor in anyway. Has Hillary finally found something she can possibly win?

Dan said...

What? The Miss America show is still going on? ((and you can see what happens when gurls take over an organization completely.))
Also see Dave Burge's take on so much of this:

@Joseph ET -- "Event" works. I guess we could also call it a "matter."

@Mike aka Proof -- Maybe face-to-face would violate the restraining order.

And a toast to the US Forces and our Allies of D-Day. I pray that Europe will again be worthy of your sacrifices.

REM1875 said...

The arrogance of that Ark-Kansas hillbilly is beyond belief....... to even call him trailer trash would be an undeserved upgrade......

REM1875 said...

Odd but my calender has "rearrange sock drawer" the night of the pageant penciled in..... And that's a pretty firm commitment ..... Looks like I will be missing it again.....

Alfonso Bedoya said...

WHAT?? You mean that the Pussy Parade will now become a PC parade? Love the gas-mask
"lovelies," but---hey---I've always enjoyed at least one contestant playing "Lady of Spain" on the accordian. It's the American thing to do! PC or no PC, if Bob Barker is appointed as MC, my viewership is a guaranteed slam-dunk.

Anonymous said...

If some of the women were at least decent looking, I would consider giving them a good pounding!

John the Econ said...

Oh Busty, don't tease me like that.

And swimsuits aside, Miss America now has no room for Busty anyway, as the competition has now formally shifted from judging physical conformity to judging ideological conformity. Instead of beauty and talent, the pageant will now be a non-competition of supposed women spewing current Progressive piety; Open borders, income inequality, socialized everything, abortion-on-demand, etc. Anyone possessing anything other than far-left values need not apply, unless they want to be an icon of intolerance and media punching bag for a week or so.

Personally, I don't really care all that much; Miss America hasn't been on my radar since the '80s. And having grown up in Southern California, I could find real women in swimsuits any time I wanted.

I will be stealing "...your television will not be turned on.... That's brilliant.

Why do bad things always happen to him?: Yes, it's looking more and more as though the syphilis has progressed through his brain. That interview was sad on multiple levels.

In fact, after watching that one almost has to wonder why that bitch Lewinsky didn't apologize to him.

And who are you kidding? The $16-million didn't go to spooge removal, but to payoffs and hitmen. The taxpayers got the bill for steam cleaning the White House, like so much of the rest of the detritus of the Clinton Administration.

But what we are really seeing here is the last gasp of the Clinton era. It's no surprise that Bill was caught off-guard by such questions because during his heyday he never had to expect questions like that from an adoring Progressive media. But now it's clear that the Clintons have become a liability to the Democrats, who are now coming to realize that Bill & Hillary need to be long gone before 2020. I doubt we'll be seeing Bill in such an interview again, lest he get asked even more embarrassing questions. (Seems they still have a bit of work to do on Hillary for her to get that message)

Progressives and #MeToo Projection: It's now become pretty much axiomatic that the more one proclaims themself as dedicated to a Progressive cause, the more they are personally covering up for their own scumdom. For example, when Harvey Weinstein was was outed, the first thing he did was to announce new projects against the NRA and for feminism. Such was the case in Bill's interview where he proclaimed all of the wonderful things he'd done for women legislatively prior to the Lewinsky scandal, as if that should excuse his abhorrent personal behavior.

This largely explains the success of Trump; he doesn't pretend to be holier-than-thou. His dalliance with Stormy surprises no one and is hardly contrary to his public character, so nobody is surprised, much less shocked. Today's Democratic Party is totally built upon hallow virtue signalling by people who are the exact opposites of what they claim they are; Feminists who are are actually rapists, anti-carbon crusaders who have the carbon footprints of small countries, anti-fascists that are actually fascists, the "educated" who are really anything buy, and the supposedly "woke" and "sane" who are actually insane.

People are tired of being led by the nation's leading hypocrites.

Unknown said...

Wow, I'll make sure to tune in to History Channel on 9/9

Colby Muenster said...

Isn't it also a bit unfair to judge these women on their intellect and talent? You know, not everybody can be smart or play the kazoo, so it's really unfair to compare people based on those attributes. Heck, it's unfair to compare people based on their sex, too. I say, just have everybody in the US who wants to participate, text or email their entry, and they will all receive a crown, bouquet of flowers, and a check for, oh... $100k or so, and the title Miss (or Mrs. or Mr. or Ms or...) America (or Planet or World or Galaxy or....). Make the evil rich people pay for it all.

But seriously, I have never watched The Miss America Pageant, and frankly don't know anybody who watches it. I'm guessing the relatives of the contestants watch if they aren't attending. What's that, a few hundred people? At that rate, it will end up on CNN because those numbers will still beat most of their "news" programs.

Billary... I really do hope and pray we are seeing the beginning of the end of the Clinton empire. Even the thickest moonbat has to see the hypocrisy, don't they? OK OK,,,, never mind. Still, Cosby, Weinstein, and Lauer finally got it, why not Bill?

Colby Muenster said...

Oh! And in the vein of losing the swimsuits, naked accordion playing is not recommended, at least for women and hairy chested men.

Regnad Kcin said...

No swimsuits ? How about a new category : Doing hand stands while wearing crotchless Frederick's of Hollywood underwear and playing "Whole Lotta Love" on a skin flute ? And be sure to have Wet Willie on the judging panel......

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, No longer a beauty contest. It is now a Personality contest.

Igor said...

No swimsuit? Maybe, perhaps, kinda-sorta replace it with clean t-shirts and braided armpits, perhaps?

(Stopped watching about 30-40 years ago. Not worth the killing of the brain cells, I have too few as it is.)

Joseph ET said...

I'd bet that a great radio man like Dr Stilton could make the event vary entertaining and colorful. ☺

Unknown said...

Well, there is a backup plan, The Miss Nude Universe Pageant and who doesn't like gazing at a couple of galaxies?

Shelly said...

If I'm not mistaken, the Miss America Pageant started as a bathing suit contest, so I guess they've come full circle. It's boiled down to a talent contest with a heavy dose of social justice warrioring and #MeToo. There are a number of talent/singing competitions available all year long so why carve out one day a year to watch an inferior talent show. The only reason to watch Miss America is to admire/ogle beautiful women in gorgeous evening gowns and skimpy swimsuits. Without that, it's unnecessary. The talent portion was always the weakest link and the other pageants never bothered with it. The first one under this format might get some curiosity viewers but after that, it's likely to get cancelled.

As far as Slick Willy goes, it appears the Clinton protection racket in the mainstream liberal media is finally breaking down now that there is no further political power to be gained due to the woeful losing campaign of the missus. Could it be that the long woeful scourge of the Clintons is finally coming to an end? One can only pray.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Section147- Mrs. J actually had to ask me what "spooge" was, although she had correctly guessed from the context. There was just something about the paired words "spooge removal" that made me laugh.

@Anonymous- Such a study would be genuinely fascinating and similar to research done into "schizophrenogenic families" in which the mental illness of one or more persons actually shapes everyone else in the family.

@Joseph ET- That's a hilarious insight. Although if it DOES go on the radio, they should call it "Miss Naked America" anyway so we can at least imagine the rope-jumping "talent" being interesting.

@Mike aka Proof- Excellent point!

@Griz Alaska- It would be unfair to have Busty compete with anyone else. The woman is a winner.

@Phoebe- Considering that "physical appearance" should no longer be a consideration, it seems like burqas are the only logical choice. Although I suppose it would also work to simply have blind judges.

@James Daily- I considered making today's joke be about the changing standards for "Miss America" in light of transgenderism, and the 3-panel exchange would have gone like this:
Reporter: So can women with dicks compete?
Official: Well, we had to draw the line somewhere... so we're not allowing big dicks.

And shame on me for not commenting on this historic military anniversary on the front page. Unimaginable heroism and sacrifice.

@Ruggles- And he's always tried his best to do just that.

@Jim Irre- Admittedly I haven't watched the Miss America show for decades (Bert Parks still sings "There she is," right?). It's a pretty stupid competition...especially when they take the "pretty" out of it.

@Rod- Kinky, but it works!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Sortahwitte- Ouch. There's way too much painful truth in your observation.

@Casey Carney- I knew in my heart that "spooge removal" would cause a spit take somewhere. Sorry about your keyboard, but thanks for confirming my comedic instincts.

@Geoff King- Excellent points throughout. I'm also put in mind of the "Boy Scouts" who don't need to be boys anymore. Everything has to be homogenized and made palatable to the always-offended class, and our culture will be all the poorer for it.

@jpb252- Although not a Rhodes scholarship program based on a lot of the interview answers.

@Fred Ciampi- At the point that "inner beauty" (ie, a good sob story and unwavering commitment to social justice dogma) is the only consideration, surely some favoritism will apply to those with the most obvious physical flaws. But will that pendulum eventually swing when ugly is the new beautiful?

And to get serious for a moment, I'm not for the "objectification of women" and reducing them to eye candy. But that being said, is beauty something to be ashamed of? Or is there room to appreciate physical beauty as part of a whole package in a (meaningless) competition like this? If the Miss America organization is so anxious to change everything, then throw out the name and just call it the Social Justice Awards.

@TrickyRicky- Don't tell anyone, but heterosexual men will always enjoy the sight of an attractive woman. Nature MADE us that way so we'd be ready on short notice (VERY short notice) to help impregnate a woman who is only ovulating once a month - otherwise the species would die out. It doesn't make men (well, not ALL men) pigs.

All I know is that when Valerie Jarrett can be a legitimate Miss America contestant, something has gone terribly wrong.

And as I've reflected on D-Day today, I've thought (hopefully incorrectly) that our nation couldn't rise to the occasion if such battles had to be fought today. That's not a denigration of our service people, but rather a sad commentary on our national unity and spirit.

@Emmentaler Limburger- And every contestant will think, "I've got this in the bag!"

@Judi King- Considering the new standard for judging Miss America will be ideological purity, maybe we haven't actually dodged that "Miss Nazi" bullet.

@Rob- Again, that was one of the ideas I toyed with for today's cartoon; a description of the new criteria for winning "Miss America," followed by a 3rd panel of Hillary rubbing her evil little hands together and thinking "I don't care who I have to kill, I'm winning this."

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Walter L Stafford- I agree that the "Miss America" title is now about as meaningless as "Nobel Prize winner."

@Dan- I love Dave Burge's stuff. I'd like to be him when I grow up (grin).

@REM1875- Bill Clinton is the living embodiment of scum, though I actually grew a bit fonder of his presidency in retrospect after suffering through Obama for 8 years.

@Alfonso Bedoya- Geez, when you mentioned "Pussy Parade" I suddenly flashed back about 60 years to watching Captain Kangaroo, who regularly played the song "Here comes the Pussycat Parade." Now I'm going to hell and it's your fault (grin).

@Anonymous- I appreciate your dedication to the cause.

@John the Econ- Complete agreement with your thoughts. Does anyone for a moment think that a contestant will score points by articulating her intent to make a positive social impact by working harder to end abortion or strengthen 2nd Amendment rights? Nope - it's going to be another Liberal crap fest. Not that it wasn't already.

And great observations about Bill Clinton and why he's no longer a player (in multiple senses). As you've said on multiple occasions here, Bill has actually done a great service for us by showing the Left to be liars when it comes to genuinely caring more about women than ideology.

@Unknown- The History Channel should definitely run a counter-programming special called "I Miss America."

@Colby Muenster- Is a "beauty pageant" really worse than a bodybuilding competition? Or an athletic competition? All strike me as being singularly unimportant, but do we need to erase one or all of these things just to better create a "Harrison Bergeron"-style world in which no one can show any superiority to anyone else in any aspect?

In truth, I don't care about the Miss America pageant, but I do care about another "win" being chalked up by the progressive Taliban that wants to erase our culture and history.

And regarding naked musicianship, a modest woman will always choose the cello.

@Gregg the Obscure- I wouldn't bet against your predictions.

@Regnad Kcin- Your handstand remark reminds me of a stupid joke in which an old woman, hoping to kindle a romantic spark in her husband, does a naked handstand in the bedroom and waits for him to discover her. When he does, nearly bumping into her, he squints a moment then asks "why aren't you wearing your dentures?"

@Anonymous- But isn't it unfair to be judged on one's personality? Heaven knows I've suffered my entire life because of that (grin).

@Igor- Yeah, I haven't watched the show in decades. But I resent losing the choice to watch the show (in its traditional form).

@Joseph ET- I'd love to take a swing at it. I am a radio man at heart; loved working in the medium for years, and even now go to sleep at night listening to old time radio episodes (seriously folks, go to and download episodes of "Suspense!")

I'm actually starting to sniff around the possibility of creating some audio content for the Amazon Echo devices just so I can play with my microphones, sound effects, and music cuts again.

@Robert Tatro- When it comes to gazing at a couple of galaxies in the Miss Nude Universe Pageant, all I can say is "Hubble, Hubble!"

And yes, that was a terrible joke but I'm sleep-deprived (grin).

@Shelly- You're exactly right: at the point a bathing suit contest no longer has bathing suits, then it's lost its essence (whether one considers that "essence" to be trivial or not).

And yes, it does look like the Clinton magic (black magic, to be sure) is at an end. Better late than never.

james daily said...

Here is one that has been rolling around in me head: Do you remember "Queen for A Day"?
If they bring that one back can you imagine the Queens for a Day we will witness? Listen to those sob stories and the the winner gets a new dishwasher or something? With four Queens, two of each gender trying to tell the saddest story to win an appliance? So intersperse this with the New Miss America Contest and that would be a winner. Each Miss A contestant tells the saddest story to win a refrigerator and a Scholarship to the Junior College of her choice.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@James Daily- I nearly brought up "Queen for a Day" myself, because that's what we're heading - it's the very definition of programming to please progressives: they can savor the horrors of a peasant's life and then feel good about themselves by gracing the poor SOB with a carnival prize.

Mrs. J and I like to watch the cooking competition "Chopped," but get tired of the sob stories nearly every contestant tells hoping to win the judges' sympathy. I'm sick of the canonization of victimhood.

Cheezy said...

Somewhere in the dusty recesses of my memory I recall these spectacles once being called "beauty pageants".
Anyone else?

Fred Ciampi said...

Yes, Cheezy, they were called Beauty Pageants. I remember in 1958 my sister was a runner up for the state title of the beauty pageant. But like Orwell said "first, change the language, then....". I fear for my great grand children.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Cheezy- They were called "beauty pageants." But that was before we found out how unacceptable "beauty" is. In other cultures (like the ones who like to make acid attacks) this has apparently been known for a long time.

@Fred Ciampi- Right you (and Orwell) are.

Unknown said...

As I read on another thread, now the Miss America Beauty Pageant is just another 'America's Got Talent' spinoff segregated by sex- no males allowed.

Pete (Detroit) said...

I'd rather see the end of the baby beauty pagents, ala Jon Benet Ramsey.
That shit is just effing CREEPY....
As to the Masked Beauty line up, I'm sure Diana Moon Glompers approves ...
(Vonnegut short, Harrison Bergeron. An entire Ayn Rand novel in 20 pages )

james daily said...

Stilt: Telekinesis? We watch that Master Chef thing also. I use to watch a lot of Food Network but now it's the Golf Channel. Alton Brown was always my favorite.

Gumby-damn-it! said...

I'm just waiting for the first to be "honored" that shows up in a pink pussy costume who's declared talent is succulent clam baking having he/she/it (shit) recently completed transgender identification.

Gumby-damn-it! said...

Sorry about getting to these posts so late. Only 97 degrees today in Clovis, NM. Thank God it cooled off some from yesterday.

Gumby-damn-it! said...

Hillary could compete in the "server wiping" competition.

Valvenator said...

"Gumby-damn-it! said...

Hillary could compete in the "server wiping" competition."

Whoa!...for a second there I thought you said "Senior Wiping Competition"!
Than again, for all that they have been feeding us, maybe they should be made to clean it up.

Regnad Kcin said...

And, now, Miss New Jersey will recite a list of comic books she claims to have read. For a look at the other end of the spectrum, listen to Nat'l Lampoon's "White Album", in which they provide blow-by-blow commentary on the nude sex Olympics. Those guys always were ahead of their time...........

TMay said...

I agree. Without the swimsuit competition, I see the all inclusive Left including those who have felt left out, like men. I think the American Beaty Pageant will morph into the bearded lady. They have the capacity to have skills that American young women have traditionslly not showcased, like landing a jet onto an aircraft carrier. In the name of inclusiveness, the Left has already dealt a big blow to women's sports, letting males walk away with scholarships meant for women, and that in some communities represented their only chance to go to college. Why not include a death blow to another avenue of advancement for women, in the name of compassion? The big surprise awaiting women is that after all the bellyaching by the Left about lack of equal rights for women, the Left has every intention of giving women equal rights, the right to be drafted and to be sent into combat, and the right to be blown up, and then they can come back and enter the work force for life, no more taking time off to raise children.

Mark Matis said...

I see that Slick has volunteered to judge the Miss America pageant this year. As part of the talent competition, the contestants will have to fellate the judges. Extra points will be awarded for those who are able to avoid staining their attire in the process. Oh, and even more extra points for those who swallow. And smile.

Further competition will involve humidor simulations...

Wayne H said...