Sorry, Busty (and heterosexual males) but when the Miss America Organization announced that there would be "no swimsuits" in this year's competition, they weren't adding nudity to the mix - but rather insuring that in these #MeToo times, the contestants would be properly and fully covered to protect them from the lustful gazes of the babe-centric.
In fact, the women "will no longer be judged on outward physical appearance" at all...
Clearly this is a huge step forward for those who hate attractive women (and who doesn't?) and also represents a huge door-opening opportunity for the many women who've been unable to peddle their wares onstage since sideshows were outlawed.
The event (which is not to be called a "pageant" ever again) will now feature women, or people who want to be women, or people who are becoming women being judged (wait, can we still say "judged?" Shouldn't it be "honored?") while wearing the evening garb of their choice and "discussing how they will advance their social impact initiatives." Wow, talk about HOT!
The Miss America event is at least keeping the talent competition, so we can still judge - oops, honor! - women who can twirl batons, play "Lady of Spain" on the accordion, solve a Rubik's cube, read self-written poems celebrating abortion, or devour a 72-ounce steak in under 5 minutes without using her hands.
We are also given to understand that the "Miss Congeniality" award will now be replaced by a "Miss Congenital Defect" award, and we think it's high time!
The event will be televised on ABC on September 9th. If you're like us, you're already marking your calendar to make sure that your television (just like males all over America) won't get turned on.
BONUS: I DID NOT PLAY SAX WITH THAT WOMAN
|Bill was wiping his servers long before Hillary got the idea.|
Slick Willy (looking increasingly like he's got a bad case of Sick Willy) was clearly annoyed by the host's repeated questions, denied any real wrongdoing, repeatedly claimed he'd apologized to Lewinsky before admitting that he hasn't (and won't), and also whined that he "didn't get out free" because he left the White House with $16 million in legal bills. None of which, as we recall, were actually related to his degradation of a woman 27 years his junior, but were rather a byproduct of his repeatedly lying under oath.
Clearly, Bill's not going to break his lifelong habits of lying and sexual predation just to please the transitory #MeToo movement. Especially since he sees all women as #MeatToo.