Peter Unprincipled

Things got very contentious yesterday as highly-ranked rogue FBI agent (and wife-cheating sexual hound dog) Peter Strzok was questioned by the House Judiciary Committee about the screamingly obvious political bias he brought to two huge investigations.

In Hillary Clinton's email case, he declared her innocent long before completing the investigation or even interviewing her. In the Trump/Russia case, he decided that Trump was guilty and should be impeached before interviewing a single witness.

Put simply, this one high-powered official basically raped the American electoral system and the integrity of the FBI and is now desperately trying to cover his keister.

Not that he didn't have plenty of help during his questioning. No member of the GOP could get out more than a syllable of questioning before some Democrat nitwit would scream "point of order!" or "objection!" or "Whoohee! The jute mill is exploded!" just to stall the proceedings and keep Strzok from admitting his perfidy.

Sadly, there was no divine intervention of the sort shown in today's cartoon, which rather surprises us. After all, even though lightning is an unwieldy instrument of vengeance, we can't imagine that any collateral damage in Strzok's immediate surroundings would have been much of a loss.

Seals of Approval

Per the cartoon above, we do expect Brett Kavanaugh to be dragged through Hell and high water before his eventual confirmation as a Supreme Court Justice.

But our real purpose in combining these two stories is to celebrate these two very different but deeply inspiring occurrences. The amazing rescue of a boys soccer team from a nightmarish, water-filled cave renews our hope for mankind in general. Support came from around the world to save these young lives, and the courage and sacrifice of those involved is humbling and awe-inspiring.

We want to make special mention of Sgt. Major Saman Gunan, a 38-year-old retired Thai Navy Seal, who volunteered for the mission and gave his life to save others. He undertook a risk that few others would and, through his efforts, helped enable a miracle.

On a very different note, we found ourselves moved by (a very Presidential) Donald Trump's announcement of Brett Kavanaugh as his nominee for the Supreme Court, and a rundown of this jurist's incredible and accomplished life of service to others.

As far as we can tell, he's an exceptionally good choice for the nation's highest court...and one impossible for the Left and the media to legitimately tar and feather...although those slime-oozing anti-Americans will try their wretched best.

As a case (pun intended) in point, despite Kavanaugh teaching at Harvard (a position for which he was hired by liberal Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan), despite his volunteering for work in inner city schools, despite his championing of women in the workplace, despite his coaching of his daughters' basketball teams, and despite his regularly serving meals in soup kitchens, Democrat sleaze-weasel Terry McAuliffe has tweeted that "the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh will threaten the lives of millions of Americans." Apparently because somehow in that busy schedule,  Kavanaugh still finds time to commit recreational genocide.

In truth (a word which causes Progressives to writhe and smoke like vampires caught in sunlight) Kavanaugh has an exceptionally distinguished record of strict adherence to the Constitution, with his legal opinions completely unsullied by his personal political beliefs.

According to our nation's founders, that's how the Supreme Court is supposed to work, and we look forward to Judge Kavanaugh's service for a long, long time.

Nom Nom Nom

Plus, he doesn't even speak English.

Today, President Donald Trump has promised to announce his nominee for the Supreme Court seat being vacated by justice Anthony Kennedy. At the time of this writing, we don't know specifically who that nominee will be - but thanks to the left-leaning media, we have a pretty good idea of what to expect.

Apparently Trump's pick will be rabidly opposed to civil rights, human rights, women's rights, LGBT rights, women's sacred right to puree the unborn, and the right of every human being on Earth to claim asylum and hefty financial support for simply existing in the United States.

In fact, the nominee will - according to all reports - be against civilization and decency in general, and enable Trump to turn the entire planet into a living Hell in which women are enslaved and degraded, and men are forced - under pain of death - to wear ludicrous comb-overs.

Oh sure, there's a small body of thought that Mr. Trump may instead just choose a splendid legal mind who is well-versed in Constitutional law and our nation's founding principles (as he did with his previous pick) but this optimistic view isn't getting a lot of play in the media.

Frankly, we expect to be delighted with Trump's choice no matter who he or she turns out to be. Because after enduring decades of pointless, lying political slogans which had no meaning whatsoever, we now believe that we've got a President whose sole purpose really is to "make America great again.

And we're betting his Supreme Court nominee will prove it.

Then again, he can be unpredictable...

In fairness, besides being Miss Congeniality she's also Miss Constitutionality!

I Get No Kick from Sham Pain

Shaken, not cured.

Owing to post-holiday sloth, we're skipping politics today and giving you what will hopefully be the last update in the ongoing adventure of punching ourselves in the face in the course of having multiple (sometimes 50 or more) seizures each night.

Flailing, flailing, over the bounding main!

After weeks of nervous waiting and several annoying tests (including having our head wired up to a mobile EEG recorder for 48 hours) we finally got the neurologist's final diagnosis on Tuesday:

"You're having seizures, but the EEG didn't show anything so it's not epilepsy. Goodbye!"

"Wait, wait! How can that be?"
"Well, you don't have a brain tumor and you don't show unusual EEG activity, so you're just having seizures. Pseudo-seizures, actually. Goodbye!!"

Pseudo-seizures, we've since learned, is an archaic and (theoretically) disused diagnostic term owing to the fact that A) it's inaccurate (it suggests the seizures aren't real - but they are), and B) that it's insulting to the patient...essentially blaming them for having a condition which neurologists don't understand and, therefore, can't make any money out of trying to cure.

The more proper term for what we've got is PNES (which would be a lot funnier if it were pronounced "penis" and we could declare ourself to be the 2018 PNES poster boy). Boringly, it actually stands for Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures.

And "Psychogenic" gives you a big hint about how medical science views this unusual and violent phenomenon and its close (albeit still hypothetical) relationship to having an overabundance of night-flying leather-winged mammals in your belfry.

 "You might get relief by seeking extensive psychotherapy," the neurologist hinted while hiding all the sharp objects in the exam room.

"Try relaxing more," she said while backing towards the door. "Listen to music. Learn to paint. Take up gardening!"

You know, pretty much the same advice they gave Lou Gehrig before things went south on him.

Before we could ask another question, our neurologist had fled the room with enough speed you'd think we'd actually flashed our PNES at her.

Fortunately, the intensity of our nightly seizure activity tends to run in cycles, and we're currently enjoying a nice run of some pretty calm nights (anything less than 10 seizures is considered a wobbly walk in the park). Our days are somewhat less calm, because that's when we discover atrocities like the $8,500 bill for questionable services leading to a non-diagnosis.

Theoretically, Medicare will rip that money from the hands of my fellow taxpayers (thanks, guys and gals!) but it's another example of how getting the government involved causes prices to skyrocket WAY beyond what market forces would have charged for all this. Seriously, we could BUY the damn miniature EEG machine and wear it 24/7 for the rest of our life for less than what they're charging for a 2-day rental!

And don't tell us that we wouldn't be able to read the results. Ha! Following our brain scan when all this started, we couldn't get a straight answer out of anybody about what the results showed, so we went to Fiverr.com and hired a radiologist in Chile to review our scans (actual price, $35 including a $10 "rush fee.") He assured us that we had no brain tumors, lesions, or aneurysms, and just a little bit of brain atrophy "which is about normal for someone of your age." Especially if they lived through 8 freaking years of Obama.

Anyway, the good news is that this may all just go away on its own (there's genuinely no need for anyone to worry) and it's unlikely to do any damage other than disrupting some sleep. To that end, we just placed an Amazon order for a 25-pound weighted blanket which is said to not only help keep people calm, but also helps keep arms and legs from escaping their confines at night, sneaking out the window, and joining violent street gangs.

Additionally, we will be redoubling our stress-fighting activities, increasing both our daily meditation sessions ("Think of a calm and relaxing place. A long and sandy beach. You hear only the rush of waves, the cry of a seagull, and the occasional "melp! melp!" from the progressives buried several feet under the warm, nurturing sands..."). We'll also be doubling our intake of Clan MacGregor scotch, which could easily cost us an additional $7.50 a week.

Unhappily, the doctor's order to reduce stress also means that we must sadly withdraw our name from further review for President Trump's Supreme Court nomination. But it was an honor and delusion just to be considered.

It's time for PNES sufferers to come out of the closets!

BONUS: SUPPORT THE CAUSE & OFFEND EVERYONE!

Because we're certifiably not right in the head, we just made this handsome t-shirt available on our Amazon store. Sure to fill your days with exciting and passionately confused comments from complete strangers!

Oh Say, Can You See? / 4th of July

Happy Independence Day from Stilton's Place and the Jarlsberg family!

ICE Scream

Strident progressive morons (but we repeat ourselves) took to the streets yet again this weekend to demand the abolishment of ICE. Not the kind that tinkles merrily in our glass of scotch when reflecting on current events, but rather the entire US Immigration & Customs Enforcement agency.

The protesters (and their noisy numbers include innumerable celebrities and alleged journalists) have declared that ICE is alternately the Gestapo, a terrorist organization, or the most heinous kidnappers since Bruno Hauptmann snatched the Lindbergh baby.

Technically, none of those things is really part of ICE's charter. So just what is it that these vicious rat bastards actually do?

They direct investigations for the Department of Homeland Security, which seems like a pretty good thing. They help protect national security, which we're in favor of, and they fight transnational gangs - which should please everyone except MS-13 lovers like Nancy Pelosi.

ICE agents are on the often dangerous front lines of fighting the drug trafficking that is ravaging our nation, as well as fighting arms trafficking - which you'd think would have the anti-gun Left doing backflips of gratitude.

Part of ICE's job in the 21st century is addressing cyber crimes, which would seem to benefit every selfie-snapping protester who owns a smartphone. And also on ICE's busy schedule is the war on a much older affront to civilization: child exploitation and human trafficking.

We have to admit that all of those things sound so critically important that we'd hate to see them all be thrown away for nothing. So just what is the tremendous benefit the Left thinks we'd gain by getting rid of ICE?

No more immigration enforcement! Open borders! An unending flood of people wanting benefits which will help force our nation into socialism! Yippee!

In other words, the chanting nimrods in the streets want us to stop fighting terror, allow a free flow of drugs and weapons into the country, and allow women and children to be used as sex slaves, in return for which our nation's borders will essentially cease to exist. And they want this for one very simple reason: they're idiots.

Oh, we suppose "hating Trump" could be considered reason number two, but since the policies the protesters are freaking out about were also those of Saint Obama, we're just going to stick with the "idiots" explanation. It's a fine example of Occam's razor (and as the old saying goes, "Occam if they can't take a joke.")

Frankly, we hope all the ICE protesters exhausted themselves marching and shouting over the weekend. That way, when they're back in their parents' basements nursing their emotional wounds for a few days, the streets will be clear for actual Americans to enjoy their 4th of July parades.

Supreme Irony

It's a glorious time to be alive.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy is stepping down, meaning that Donald Trump gets to pick another Supreme Court nominee, and those on the Left are having a white-hot thermonuclear meltdown which is more spectacular and beautiful to witness than any sunset...especially since this likely does represent the sun setting on many of their most beloved violations of the Constitution.

Many progressives are especially bereft of hope because, judging on their social media posts, they actually believe that all laws come from the Supreme Court rather than being created by our elected officials (including the ones the Left has been claiming were heading our way in a tsunami-sized "blue wave" in November).

Granted, there's a certain de facto truth to the notion that the Supreme Court has been creating bad law out of thin air through highly (ahem) imaginative interpretations of the Constitution - but we're pretty sure that President Trump is about to slam the brakes on that aberration. Somewhere, the founding fathers are breathing sighs of relief and exchanging high-fives.

Adding to our delight in this turn of events is the chilling knowledge of what could have been and would have been had a certain other presidential candidate weaseled her way into office...

You KNOW this was on the table...

Like we said, it's a glorious time to be alive.

Hell or High Waters

Angry rhetoric encouraging Lefties to seek out and harass those with whom they have ideological disagreements has gotten way out of hand.

Things are so bad that following Maxine Waters spittle-flecked demands for mob actions against members of the Trump administration (and presumably Trump voters), that Nancy Pelosi - no stranger to ugly rhetoric herself - had to step up to condemn the Democratic representative's threatening words.

For lack of a better term, we'll call Mad Maxine's law-abusing minions "Lynch Mobs," as a tip of the hat to Loretta Lynch's long stint of corrupting the DOJ along ideological lines. And really, who needs due process these days before attacking those who you don't want sharing your community, your government, your restaurants, or your drinking fountains?

Meanwhile, the mainstream media is doing its level best to clamp down on this dangerous excess of unthinking hatred...

Mike Luckovich won a Pulitzer for drawing brain dead crap like this. Even so, if you see him and his family
 dining in a restaurant please don't pee in his soup. Unless, of course, you can get video.

Only kidding! They're ramping the whole fake situation up by ignoring Trump's many accomplishments while calling him - and us - Nazis, and they won't be satisfied until there's actual blood running in the streets. And they don't care whose blood it is - they'll be able to spin it the way they want (against Trump and against America) no matter who assumes room temperature.

When an entire political party is so out of ideas that they resort to calls for violence, we should all be afraid. Not afraid for ourselves as conservatives, libertarians, or simple patriots (in violent confrontations, pussy hats, placards, and smart phones will prove to be of surprisingly little tactical value in the face of second amendment tools), but rather afraid for our country itself.

No enemy can defeat us from without...but there can be no winning another civil war.

And we are very near the point where law enforcement should be enthusiastically used to curtail the Constitutionally unprotected hate speech that is calling for such. The laws are, after all, already on the books:

        US Code 2101 on Riots:

(a) Whoever travels in interstate or foreign commerce or uses any facility of interstate or foreign commerce, including, but not limited to, the mail, telegraph, telephone, radio, or television, with intent—
(1) to incite a riot; or
(2) to organize, promote, encourage, participate in, or carry on a riot; or
(3) to commit any act of violence in furtherance of a riot; or
(4) to aid or abet any person in inciting or participating in or carrying on a riot or committing any act of violence in furtherance of a riot;
and who either during the course of any such travel or use or thereafter performs or attempts to perform any other overt act for any purpose specified in subparagraph (A), (B), (C), or (D) of this paragraph— [1] Shall be fined under this title, or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.

AND LEST WE FORGET...

But not a lot truer.

Better Fed Than Red

We can't decide if it was the dumbest or most annoying news story of the weekend (probably both), but social media again went nuts along partisan lines upon hearing that White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders and seven dining companions were thrown out of the Red Hen Restaurant in Lexington, Virginia before being served because the staff and management hate the President and anyone associated with him.

Ms. Sanders (no relation to Colonel Sanders, who has also had his ups and downs with hens) left quietly with her party, wisely deciding that it's better not to make a scene rather than to be served wildly overpriced food containing spit, very personal little curly hairs, and the other bodily effluvia which likely would have tainted their entrees.

While many are criticizing the pussy hat-wearing management of the Red Hen Restaurant (and no, we're not making that up), we would actually like to see more restaurants adopt a similarly candid policy of making a public declaration of their bitter hatred of non-progressives.

Indeed, placing a sign to that effect in the window would help millions of decent, tolerant, patriotic folks avoid these hate-filled eateries. Not to mention avoiding the occasional bout of food poisoning which can be expected from restaurants that actively resist letting jackbooted Nazi-ish government health inspectors inspect their maggot-ridden kitchens.

As always, Sarah Huckabee Sanders - who is a national treasure - handled the inconvenient situation with aplomb and grace. We only hope the owners of the Red Hen Restaurant will do the same when facing their inevitable bankruptcy.

Separation Anxiety

Despite President Trump issuing an Executive Order intended to help the families of illegal immigrants stick together while being processed and/or prosecuted, it would appear that our nation's heartbreaking Third Reich Holocaust-style abuse of children is still not at an end.

We know this because of a recently released study which could bring tears to a grown man's eyes. And yes, we're referring to Rachel Maddow.

Specifically, the study showed a small but significant decrease in the number of 18-to-34 year olds who were forced by economic necessity (i.e. the Obamaconomy) to continue living with their parents. As the children are dragged away to become members of the capitalist workforce, bitter tears are being shed.

"I thought, like, my parents needed a court order to make me leave," sobbed one 28-year-old pajama boy, "especially since I'm still being breast fed!"

President Trump, predictably, is unmoved by the children being separated from their parents, and ruthlessly continues to encourage job growth. This despite strong condemnation from Left-leaning leaders like Nancy Pelosi who has said, "You can look and look in the Bible, but you won't find any justification for young Americans taking "the jobs that Americans won't do" away from the undocumented and frequently gang-affiliated immigrants who would do "the jobs that Americans won't do" if Americans weren't doing them. If you don't believe me, then believe Jesus."

Far be it from us to argue theology with an expert like Ms. Pelosi. So we will suggest only that we all take time to pray for the families being ripped asunder by employment, prosperity, and a reawakening sense of self-worth and independence.

BONUS: SLEAZY WRITER

Alleged actor Peter Fonda took to Twitter recently to voice his hatred for the First Family, and to encourage kidnapping and pederasty as useful tools for the Left to demonstrate their moral superiority to the Deplorables in our nation.

Here's what he tweeted:

The First Lady has subsequently asked the Secret Service to investigate Mr. Fonda, not only because of the appalling nature of his threats, but because most movie fans have been convinced that the actor died years ago, along with his career.

Not that he didn't have one good scene in the only memorable movie he was ever in. Specifically, this scene:

Even more enjoyable when viewed on a continuous loop!

Seriously (which we aren't very often), Fonda's rhetoric - which he has since apologized for - goes way too far and should not fall under the province of protected speech. He is calling for violence against the First Family and, specifically, the violent rape of a child. Because he's so sensitive and enlightened, you see.

Even worse, he's making this call to action to his thousands of followers, any one of whom might decide to implement it. Especially since Peter Fonda can't possibly have any followers who are, as we say in the psychological field, "right in the head."

How could they be, when exposed to a regular diet of Fonda's other sociopathic tweets like this one about our nation's Director of Homeland Security:

For those blissfully unfamiliar with the term, "gash" is an obscene reference to female genitalia, and is considered to be even uglier, more unacceptable, and more sexually demeaning than Samantha Bee's "c-word" description of our First Lady.

It is a word so foul, fetid, and unforgivable that we would personally never use it about any woman.

Except, of course, Jane Fonda.

BREAKING NEWS: CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER 1950-2018

We were just finishing today's post when we got word that Fox News contributor (and so very much more) Dr. Charles Krauthammer has died of cancer. Little more than a month ago, he and we believed that he would be returning to the airways after an extended illness - at a time when his wit, wisdom, encyclopedic knowledge, and stunning gifts of insight and analysis were so desperately needed.

It didn't work out that way. Not quite two weeks ago, he wrote an eloquent and moving public letter to let everyone know that his cancer had returned and his battle was at an end. Sadly, he was right.

We can't express the sense of personal loss we're feeling right now. For years, we hung on Dr. Krauthammer's every word - not necessarily agreeing with everything he said, but recognizing the intellectual honesty and integrity which demanded that we take him seriously and, when necessary, reexamine our own opinions.

Besides his remarkable academic gifts, Charles Krauthammer could make us laugh, loudly and frequently. And he radiated a strength and positivity about life, despite facing and overcoming enormous personal obstacles, which was nothing less than inspirational.

His passing is a huge loss for our country, our culture, and to our lives. We are grateful for the time he shared with all of us, and wish there could have been so much more.

The 5000 Fingers of President T

"And be careful with those Little Hands hats!"

Sea levels are rising dramatically owing to the outpouring of Liberal tears over the evil President T's continuing abduction of immigrant children as they cross America's southern border.

Once separated from their families, the weeping waifs are forced to pound out patriotic songs on the White House "500 Kid Piano" - every key of which was made with endangered elephant ivory - while President T waves his baton and screams that the children have to play "bigly" if they ever hope to see their parents again.

Okay, that's not really what Trump is doing, although it's as true as what you're likely to hear from the mainstream media these days. What we were describing was Dr. Seuss's fever dream of a kid's movie, "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T," about which there are two cinematic schools of thought: those who think it's one of the greatest films ever, and those who wouldn't know a great film if it bit them in their piano bench region.

But returning (reluctantly) to reality, Leftists and other soft-headed types are having absolute conniption fits over President Trump's brand new policy of temporarily separating kids from their families when they enter the country illegally. And when we say "brand new policy," we mean exactly the same policy which has been law since champion-of-the-children Bill "Pedophile Island" Clinton was president. Certainly, Barack Obama made major use of the policy, albeit without a peep of complaint from the mainstream media.

The separations occur only after illegal border crossings (i.e. not when people come to an actual American port of entry and make a simple asylum claim) and are done in part to give social services time to ascertain whether the kids are actually traveling with a parent, or simply being dragged over the border by an MS-13 gang member who transports minors for sex trafficking.

Despite what cynical liars like Hillary Clinton say in their self-serving fundraising letters, the kids are not kept in cages, ripped from the arms of breastfeeding mothers, or mistreated in any way. And come to think of it, wasn't it Hillary F. Clinton who claimed, "it takes a village" (i.e. the government) to raise kids rather than actual parents?!

The "news" media and equally laughable social media are treating this as an ongoing repeat of the Holocaust (no, really - they've played that card) rather than the continuing implementation of decades' old policy. And among their favorite tools are memes showing pitiful children in cages, like this one:

The problem is that this photo is staged, and the poor kid is actually inside a cage because he was put there by a bunch of loudmouthed anti-border protesters (who are the other people carefully cropped out of the photo). 

We don't really want to add to the flood of fake news, but if the Left wants to make false claims about this picture, why shouldn't we make even better false claims...?

Seriously, wouldn't it be fun to see this go viral?

Feel free to post this meme anywhere it might offend or confuse a Leftist. And in the meanwhile, don't worry too much about what's happening to those unfortunate children whose parents are using them to skirt American law. As The Who once sang, the kids are alright.

The Nut Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

(Reprinted/updated from 2016)

Insanity doesn't run in our family. It gallops.

Let us close our eyes and ears to the usual insanity in the news, and instead take a moment to celebrate fathers on the day after Father's Day. Specifically my father, although I've never heard a bad word said about your father.

I lost my father 12 years ago, but plenty of colorful memories survive. He was a kind and gentle man, a great husband and father, and the most creative and funniest man I've ever known or hope to know.

He was a gifted writer, an award-winning painter, prolific cartoonist, part-time inventor (with multiple patents, including the one for the yo-yo seen with the bikini babe above), successful entrepreneur, and flamboyant cross-dresser. Okay, he wasn't actually that last one, although he was certainly willing to wear whatever Easter outfit he thought would give others a laugh.

Of the many gifts he bestowed, it is likely that this desire to make others laugh (and a delightfully skewed view of the world) is what has influenced me most. In every way imaginable, I'm my father's son and glad to be so.

So here's a big Stilton's Place cheer not just for my dad, but for all dads who invest their lives and love doing so much for their families.