May Tricks

We believe that those on the Left are about to get one heck of a wake-up call courtesy of Attorney General Barr, and the soon-to-be-released report detailing DOJ Inspector Michael Horowitz's investigation of the unethical and illegal tactics used to spy on, and frame, Donald Trump. Legally speaking, we could be looking at a tsunami which will sweep away the biggest political players on the Left.

But the mainstream media is doing very little to cushion the coming blow for their gullible audience members. As a case in point, we were stopped dead in our tracks upon encountering this headline from the Associated Press: "Fines, jail time? Trump team resists oversight, Dems dig in."

Okay, first things first - the Trump team isn't resisting oversight, it's resisting overthrow.  But back to the ludicrous article which is a not-so-funhouse mirror version of what's really going on...

WASHINGTON, AP - They're talking at the Capitol about jailing people. Imposing steep fines. All sorts of extraordinary, if long-shot measures to force the White House to comply with Democratic lawmakers' request for information about President Donald Trump stemming from the special counsel's Russia investigation.

"When the president denies the Congress documents and access to key witnesses, basically what they're doing is saying, Congress you don't count," according to Rep. Elijah Cummings. "We simply cannot have a presidency that is run as if it were a king or a dictator in charge."

The article then details the draconian measures Democrats are planning to further obstruct justice by filing contempt of Congress motions against Barr, and threatening to lock Trump staffers up in a super-secret "Capitol Prison," despite repeated denials from the House and Senate that such a spiderweb-filled, subterranean dungeon actually exists. Because that's the level of insanity currently in play.

And so we come back to the red pill and the blue pill that those on the Left will soon have to choose from. They may find the red one hard to swallow...but it's going to be a lot easier on them than the alternative.

ALSO IN THE NEWS: HIGHWAY TO HELL

The road is, of course, half-blacktop.

On Saturday, unrestrained joy broke out in Los Angeles when the city renamed a small section of road to honor soon-to-be-indicted former president Barack Obama.

Mind you, none of the road is new or upgraded (or as Barry would say, "You didn't build that"), as that would have required actual shovel-ready jobs to be performed, which was forbidden by California's "Department of Irony Suppression."

Instead, shiny new street signs were posted, carefully handcrafted by the prison inmates whom Democrats hope to have voting again (and again and again) in time for the 2020 elections.

Poking the Barr

Oscar Wilde was not a man you wanted on your bad side. A man of great intellect, piercing wit, and the gift of absolutely devastating quips, Wilde could eviscerate his opponents and critics using only his razor-sharp tongue.

Still, when Wilde was confronted by braying trolls who were mentally unequipped to appreciate the subtleties of his scathing rhetoric, we'd like to imagine that he would instead wait for the buffoons in a darkened alley with a nail-studded truncheon and give them a sound thrashing about the head and shoulders to more effectively point out the errors in their blighted logic.

And this is the position we find ourselves in today, at least rhetorically. Because after watching what the Senate Democrats did on Wednesday to Attorney General Barr, a good and honorable man, we find ourselves without much of a sense of humor today. Our thoughts are instead drifting towards more kinetic and unconventional procedures for restoring something like decorum, dignity, and common decency to the Grand Guignol proceedings in Washington.

"Questioners" (who had very few actual questions, but a lot of unsubstantiated accusations and insults) included presidential wannabees like Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, as well as some
ilio wahine from Hawaii whose only conceivable public service to the people of her stinking, socialist island would involve appeasing the volcano gods with a personal sacrifice. And yes, she's old - but based on her appearance and personality, we're guessing that she still meets the one mandatory requirement for the job (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

See, we're still trying to joke here...but what we really feel is an all-consuming anger at these smug and morally vacuous liars and hypocrites. These are people who are still - STILL - trying to pull off a Presidential coup d'etat in the United States of America. Which isn't something that any of us should take lightly...or forgivingly.

It is our great hope that Attorney General Barr, who endured the appalling partisan abuse with great poise and intelligence, will use this despicable incident to stoke his own internal fires...the ones whose flames will soon be roaring under the feet of many in the Obama administration, the Clinton circle, and the traitorous intelligence agencies that did their best to end our nation's democracy.

All of them need to be brought to trial by Mr. Barr. And after due process has been carried out and verdicts reached, appropriate punishment must be meted out. Even if, per today's cartoon, what's "appropriate" may involve bringing back some historical methodologies which lacked subtlety, but clearly demonstrated that treason is not a game you want to play and lose.

BONUS: DEMOCRAT HOUSE MEMBER TOTALLY EATS IT

On Thursday, Attorney General Barr decided against attending a second day of crucifixion, this time at the hands of House Democrats, which prompted one representative - a friggin' dolt who has probably never heard of Oscar Wilde - to sit and sloppily munch Kentucky Fried Chicken to show that Barr was - get this - a chicken for not showing up. Chicken - get it?! Hilarious, right?!

But it made us wonder, where would an obvious moron get such an idea...?

Hat Trick

Up until now, we haven't really taken Gropin' Joe Biden's presidential campaign seriously, but now that we've heard his new slogan...well...we still can't take him seriously.

Best known for fondling and shnuzzling women and children, Biden announced on ABC's "Good Morning America" that his motto will be "Make America Moral Again." Which, admittedly, he can make a lot of progress on just by handcuffing his meaty paws to his belt for the next few months.

Biden also said that "unity" would be one of the three "major prongs" of his campaign. When added to "morality," that leaves his third major prong somewhat of a mystery - but we're not about to ask him about it, for fear of getting stung by the infamous "one eared elephant" trick he likes to pull on little girls.

And speaking of the fairer sex...

ALOHA SANDBAR

Sports Illustrated has announced that their 2019 Swimsuit edition, best known for showing voluptuous women modeling dental floss, is making history by including a model wearing a hijab and "burkini" - a full body covering which, when completely saturated, pretty much assures that the wearer will sink like a stone. Which, presumably, is better than being stoned for having an exposed belly button.

The young Somali-American model from (surprise!) Minnesota is unquestionably attractive, and her colorful outfits are appealing even if entirely impractical for anything remotely like swimming. Which perhaps explains why she's photographed frollicking in an inch of water like a flopping fish...

We understand and even support the idea of inclusiveness, but find this particular example to be an uncomfortable hypocrisy. It's hard to interpret the hijab and burkini as anything other than condemnations of the stone-worthy women who are modeling more revealing swimsuits.

Plus, Sports Illustrated could work with we cultural troglodytes at least a little; in explaining their editorial decision, they say "we strive to continue to spread the message that whether you are wearing a one-piece, a two-piece, or a burkini, you are the pilot of your own beauty."

Post 9/11, they just might want to go easy on the "pilot" metaphors.

Whined and Dined

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Joe Blow

It's official! "Groping Joe" Biden is now in the 2020 Presidential race, ratcheting up the excitement and interest in the Democrat field of contestants to the place that we still don't give a single damn.

Seriously, are the foam-at-the-mouth young radicals really going to get excited for another old white man (indeed, possibly the whitest man on Earth) with a long documented history of grabbing and nuzzling women and children, plagiarizing speeches, and making gaffes every time he opens his mouth? A man who has a long and easily-checked record of bad policy calls - like opposing integration efforts for schools, being wrong about every foreign policy pronouncement he's ever made, and announcing on live TV that Obamacare was a "big fucking deal" (although in fairness he was right, and we were the ones getting f*cked).

Biden made his announcement via a slickly-produced video in which he solemnly read meaningless platitudes off a teleprompter: "Folks, America is an idea. An idea that's stronger than any army, bigger than any ocean, more powerful than any dictator or tyrant (wink-wink, nudge-nudge). It gives hope to the most desperate people on Earth. It guarantees that everyone is treated with dignity. And gives hate no safe harbor."

While this droning monologue might make Biden (or more likely, his speechwriter) a reasonable candidate for Poet Laureate, it does nothing but confirm that the one-time Veep is an empty suit whose sole purpose is to give a pleasant face to the ugly, dangerous, and anti-American plans of the Deep State swamp dwellers.

But rather than put us all into a coma by continuing to talk about such a dull man, let's revisit a few cartoons from the vault which will help remind us of just what a nimrod we're dealing with...

I Shrink to Forget

We won't lie to you: today's cartoon and commentary aren't really clever insights and perspectives, but rather a laundry list (and a highly shortened one, at that) of the stuff that is driving us out of our ever-loving minds today.

And there's a wee bit of personal experience woven into this. For several months, we've been seeing a psychotherapist to help us develop better coping skills to reduce the levels of stress which may (or may not) be causing "Stilton's Palsy," our self-named affliction that interrupts both sleeping and waking life with occasional involuntary modern dance routines, complete with "spaz hands."

We're glad to say we've been making nice progress, doing our meditation exercises, breathing deeply, and picturing ourselves in the safe interior of a magic subterranean cave which has soft shafts of sunlight and a glowing pool of gently lapping water. And, importantly, our peaceful place has no freaking sources of news whatsoever. But eventually we have to return to reality, where we're again assaulted by political and media lunacy - causing a tsunami of stress hormones to pressure-wash the insides of our rapidly-aging veins.

What's most frustrating is that we're not nuts - there really is stark raving, mouth-breathing, utter insanity loose in the world and it's only spreading and growing in popularity.

Seriously, if Democrats would just look at all these crazy news stories, it might suddenly dawn on them why so many sane people have chosen to support a President who is at least a bit less nuts than anyone in the Democrat party.

We'd say more, but the session time is up.

The Heller Report

"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

The "lightly redacted" Mueller Report has been made public and, predictably, it's not changing a single mind regarding President Trump's guilt or innocence. Not that the anti-Trump forces are exactly sure what Trump is guilty of other than his repeatedly pointing out that a two-year phony investigation was, indeed, a phony investigation.

An attempted political coup, in fact, which we're certainly hoping Attorney General Barr will be pursuing thoroughly, relentlessly, and hopefully mercilessly.

The Mueller Report clearly establishes that neither Trump nor anyone in his circle had anything to do with Russian collusion, and that sufficient evidence to cause Obama's justice department to spy on Trump's campaign never actually existed - everything was based on a fabricated (and transparently ridiculous) dossier which was paid for by Trump's opposition in the 2016 election: Hillary Clinton and the DNC.

Failing to find evidence of, well, anything truly damaging to Trump, Robert Mueller packed his report with snarky anecdotes about Trump being a volatile and chaotic personality surrounded by staffers who keep him from making big mistakes.

Well, duh - that's exactly what we voted for! The system is working!

To expand further on this point (and make it simple enough for even our liberal friends to understand), let's travel back to a post we made last year which explains why we don't give a rat's rear end about anything in the Mueller Report...

SEPT 7, 2018 - FLIGHT RISK

Yes, we know that Trump doesn't drink, for which we give thanks daily. This is a metaphor.

According to Bob Woodward's new tell-all book "Fear" and a recent New York Times op-ed which was allegedly written by "an anonymous White House official who we are totally not making up," President Donald Trump is an egotistical, mercurial boob who requires constant supervision by others to stave off disaster.

Yawn.

The accounts may or may not be 100% accurate, but we don't care - other than having a constant undercurrent of mild terror. Because many of us who voted for Trump, however reluctantly, knew all of this about him going in. We weren't really happy about giving the country's reins to a man whose thought process can be likened to a pinball machine, but the only other choice was inconceivably worse.

Going back to our cartoon metaphor, our plane was already in serious trouble and going down fast. Hillary Clinton would put us into a nose dive at maximum throttle, then cackle hysterically (when not coughing) all the way down to our fiery doom.

Trump, on the other hand, might seem to have a screw loose - but he had a record of somehow getting things accomplished and seemed sincere in his desire to save the day. And unlike Hillary's kamikaze scenario, Trump wouldn't be alone in the cockpit - he'd actually have a trained co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and others to help compensate for his inexperience and eccentricities.

Which brings us to the present. Woodward and the New York Times are reporting that dedicated White House staffers are working constantly to defuse Trump's bad ideas and help enable his good ideas - which is why this amateur President keeps racking up success after success.

In other words, we're seeing a scary process that produces good results rather than what, under Hillary, would have been a nightmarishly efficient process producing devastating results.

That doesn't strike us as being an entirely bad thing. Especially if the in-flight turbulence doesn't get bad enough to keep the flight attendant from rolling that drink cart our way on a regular basis.

Cheeky Excuse

Now THAT'S what we call a Buttigieg!

We're taking the day off to attend to some non-emergency family business, but wanted there to be at least a minor visual reward for those who showed up here today. Which is why we're sharing this picture of an absolutely spectacular straw hat.

Durable, inexpensive, made from renewable materials, and offering great protection against the sun's damaging rays, we can't recommend straw fedoras highly enough. Whether you get an ornate hat woven from pampas grass, or a much humbler hat woven from not-so-pampas grass, you'll be sporting a style which we can all enthusiastically get behind, without the cost putting you in arrears!

We'd say more, but oddly we keep losing our train of thought. Or, to get to the bottom of things, we keep thinking about cabooses...

Have a great weekend and see you back here on Monday!

Torch Bearer

When an important icon of western civilization goes up in flames, as the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris did on Monday, experts tell us that the best way to cope with our collective grief is to make tasteless jokes about it. And by "experts," we mean the craftsmen who distill Clan MacGregor scotch.

We don't, of course, find anything remotely funny about the Notre Dame blaze...although we do find it "funny" that French authorities issued a report saying that the inferno couldn't possibly have been caused by arson or, God forbid, terrorism...even before launching a real investigation. Presumably, that report must have been authored by the French equivalent of James Comey, who is unclear about the proper sequencing of investigations, conclusions, and exonerations (at least, when there's a political agenda involved).

Fortunately, a lot of the great cathedral survived the flames, and donations are pouring in to rebuild the structure, perhaps with some important updated features which better reflect modern France, like state-of-the-art fire extinguishing systems, broadband wi-fi, and minarets.

BONUS: SOMETHING'S BERNING...

In a special Fox News town hall meeting, Democrat front runner (and yes, we're stunned to be writing those words) Bernie Sanders got a chance to air his bombastic socialist talking points. Oddly, the event was treated seriously by Fox News, who are said to be trying to arrange another town hall with Democrat wunderkind "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg, whose name we can neither pronounce nor say with a straight face. It is unknown if similar events will be planned for the other 93 currently named Democrat candidates for president.

For us, the highlight of the town hall came when it was pointed out that his bestselling book has made Bernie a multi-millionaire (presumably an evil one, since there's no other kind) who could voluntarily pay the higher taxes he deems a "fair share" versus the far lower taxes established by Donald Trump. So has he done that?

Bernie hemmed and hawed, but eventually admitted he hasn't voluntarily paid an extra cent in taxes in the name of fairness or eliminating income inequality. After which he started babbling about why the American Dream isn't about the freedom to make great wealth, but is rather about getting free healthcare, a free education, and "when (people) turn on the water, have drinkable water and not toxic water."

Presumably, Mr. Sanders' next bestselling book will be about hydration and hypocrisy.

Tick Talk

We're just going to let the cartoon do all our talking today. Unlike Omar and her freshman Congressional colleagues, we know when to shut up.

The Cart Before The Hearse

On Wednesday, we saw the first image of an actual black hole and, despite a bit of kidding from us, it was astounding and important. And not solely because it provides a perfect metaphor for a big, developing news story: the arrest of Wikileaks' Julian Assange.

Regarding the black hole picture, it's impossible to see the black hole itself because of the mind-blowing forces which the core exerts to keep anything from escaping. But we can infer a lot by the accumulation of seethingly hot material circulating around that mysterious center and defining its edges.

And so it is with the case of Julian Assange's sudden arrest and forcible removal from the Ecuadoran embassy within 24 hours of Attorney General William Barr's announcement that he's actively investigating the circumstances behind the attempted coup (our words, not his) of President Donald Trump via falsified charges of Russian collusion...and subsequent spying on Trump's campaign by intelligence agencies closely aligned with Barack "Gotta Protect My Legacy" Obama, and Hillary "I Sold My Soul For The Presidency" Clinton.

We don't yet know what's at the impenetrably black center of all this, but it's certainly interesting to look at the white hot material that's now circulating around this nexus.

Key to the Russian collusion case is the idea that the Russians hacked DNC computers (for Trump's alleged benefit) and gave the embarrassing information to Wikileaks to hurt Hillary. But Assange knows where that information really came from...and he hasn't been shy about saying that it wasn't Russia. Rather, he's hinted that the DNC materials may have come from someone within the party itself. Perhaps someone like young DNC staffer Seth Rich, who was upset that Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC for the express purpose of taking Bernie Sanders (at the height of his popularity) out of the presidential race, and who may have shared information with Assange. Seth was subsequently shot to death on the street...with no signs of an altercation or robbery.

If Assange names Seth Rich as his source and provides evidence to prove it, all Hell is likely to break loose (which we're enthusiastically in favor of). Moreover, if it can be clearly shown that our intelligence agencies knew that the Russians weren't the source of the leaks, they'll have a pretty hard time explaining why they subsequently began spying on a presidential candidate (based on a clearly fictitious dossier funded by - surprise! - Hillary Clinton), as well as employing high-ranking agents who vowed that they'd make sure Trump either never won, or would never serve.

It's a very high-stakes game, and at the moment we don't know which team just grabbed Assange. Did Trump order a preemptive arrest to keep Assange safe and get his testimony? Or did the Deep State/Obama/Hillary cabal snatch Assange to silence him permanently (be watching for telltale press stories reporting Assange to be suffering from "serious health problems," so snuffing him will seem at least slightly less obvious to those who've never heard of Arkancide).

Like that Black Hole, we can't see what's at the center of all this yet. But our gut tells us that it's absolutely massive...and that a lot of political hacks are about to be sucked inexorably into a crushing maw of unimaginable force.

BONUS: STARR LITE...

Speaking of people whose unlikely and untimely deaths benefitted Hillary Clinton's political ambitions, we're now hearing that Independent Counsel Ken Starr, in his final report about the Clintons' Whitewater scandal, tastefully omitted his conclusion that Hillary Clinton drove her "friend," attorney Vince Foster, to suicide by ripping him to shreds in front of White House staff.

Starr says that he cut his conclusion from the report to spare Hillary the pain of having to deal with what her cruel actions had caused. And that's plausible, we guess.

Also plausible is that Ken Starr didn't want his own dead body found in the middle of a public park with no grass on the bottoms of his shoes, next to an empty briefcase which - after being searched multiple times - suddenly and spontaneously produced a typed suicide note, torn into easily reassembled pieces, but bearing no fingerprints. Nor would Starr want Hillary's staffers to duck under the police crime scene tape surrounding his office to steal boxes of files...all of which happened to Vince Foster.

Let's be really clear about something: Hillary Clinton never intended to win the 2016 presidential election fairly...and she sure as Shinola didn't intend to lose the election fairly. Her crimes are known, many, and so far unpunished. Here's hoping that changes soon.

AND FINALLY...

According to Representative Ilhan Omar, the ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, the organization CAIR (the Council on American-Islamic Relations) "was founded after 9/11 because they recognized that some people did something and that all (Muslims) were starting to lose access to our civil liberties."

Some people did...something?!

Words fail us - and the most appropriate words aren't even fit to put on this page. Which is why we created the cartoon above to, hopefully, make our sentiments tastefully but abundantly clear.

Sucks to be Huge

Not that they'll be missed.

It is described as the ultimate void. A vast, dark vortex of emptiness with an unimaginably dense center from which nothing can escape.

We're talking, of course, about the mainstream news media - with whom we want nothing to do today. The Dems interrogating Barr, the Dems trying to get Trump's tax returns, top level turnover in various White House departments as our southern border fails, Alec Baldwin talking about running for President - oh, please!

But we do find it at least potentially interesting that a group of astronomers is promising today to reveal the first ever direct image of an actual black hole in space. Granted, we don't expect it to look like much of anything...but its shape could at least potentially change everything we think we know about physics and what we believe to be reality. Or...and we can't emphasize this strongly enough... it might just look like a boring hole.

Because seriously, how hard would it be to fake a photo of absolute nothingness in deep space? You could sneeze on the film of an old chest X-ray and probably pass off the results as the greatest astronomical discovery since the days of Copernicus (who invented the sneeze). Although actually, there could and should be some interesting stuff to see around the black hole, swirling down the ultimate drain and giving off wild bursts of light and energy as time, matter, and space are all condensed into infinitely hot meaninglessness.

Granted, Washington DC had already given us a pretty good idea of what a black hole looks like...

Nothing that goes in is ever seen again.

...but the image released today will probably be a lot less clear. In fact, we're expecting a fairly funky computerized image which will be accompanied by a much more detailed, colorful, and spectacular "artist's rendition" of the black hole. Something like this, perhaps...

True fact: the Event Horizon is defined by sparkling, iridescent drips of sugar glaze.

In the end, the "image reveal" may or may not prove to be interesting or educational. But we'll be tuning in anyway, because compared to everything else that's going on, #BlackHolesMatter.

PULSE-POUNDING UPDATE:

Tah-dah!!!! Okay, not that great a picture, but still genuinely interesting.

The Black New Deal

So, New York 14th District voters - how does it feel to pick a ninny?

Although we hate giving dimwits more time in the spotlight than they deserve, AOC has once again offered us too tempting a target to resist.

Specifically, she has entered the ranks of those political figures who suddenly lapse into a broad Amos & Andy dialect when talking to African-American audiences in order to seem more "black." Interestingly, this overtly racist affliction only seems to strike liberals, with notable victims including Hillary "Ain't No Ways Tarred" Clinton, Rachel "Of Course I'm Black, I Committed Welfare Fraud" Dolezal, and Barack "I Was Raised in a White Community by White Communists Who Fed Me Fluffernutter Sandwiches" Obama.

In this case, Ms. Occasionally-Colored was addressing a predominantly black audience when she was suddenly overcome by the urge to speak in a southern drawl seasoned with just a soupcon of Ebonics. Reacting to President Trump's dismissal of her as a "bartender," she defended her former (and future) profession by declaring "Ain't nothin' wrong wid dat!" while waving jazz hands.

She then further demonstrated her deep understanding of black culture by assuring them - still in Stepin Fetchit mode -  that there was nothing wrong with their holding jobs like "folding clothes for other people to buy," or "preparing the food that your neighbors will eat," or "driving busses." In fact, it seems like there "ain't nothin' wrong wid dat" about any kind of manual labor for black Americans, as long as they leave all the fancy thinkin' jobs to the progressive massahs in charge of the new plantation state.

Of course, part of that fancy thinkin' by the Leftists is to flood our country with so many illegal aliens that the humble, but thoroughly respectable, jobs she listed will be out of reach to those in black communities who were hoping to enter the job market and start climbing the economic ladder.

Still, if they vote the right way, there will always be a trickle of cash heading their way from Washington.

But there ain't nothin' right about it.