Snakes Smear in the Park

We're not sure if this is "Hamlet" or "As You Like It."

New York's well-funded (including with tax money) "Shakespeare in the Park" company recently staged a modern day retelling of Julius Caesar in which the title character is depicted as President Trump - causing liberal glee when he's graphically and bloodily assassinated onstage by knife-wielding maniacs of the type that recently staged a similar production on London Bridge.

What a great family outing, huh? And how better to introduce kids to Shakespeare than by making it "fun" with the repeated stabbing of an American President?!

Critics on the Left (are there any other kind?) say that conservatives and fly-over peasants are being too sensitive about this brilliant restaging and maybe they're right. Which is why, in the interest of "Making Theater Great Again," we'd like to suggest some other adaptations which might please those same critics and stimulate sophisticated cocktail conversations after an outdoor evening with the Bard.

We've already handled "Hamlet" in the cartoon above, though we're a little worried that such a production might prompt n-word spouting "comic" Bill Maher to refer to it as "Spear Shaker in the Park." Does the man's racism know no bounds?!

Still, it's hard to envision the theater company going wrong with portraying Lady Macbeth as a wildly demented and blood-stained Hillary Clinton. And imagine how delightful "Romeo & Juliet" would be starring lookalikes for Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the title roles? Talk about your (Ken) Starr-crossed lovers! And seriously, the multiple death scenes at the play's end (oops, spoiler alert) would bring cheering audiences to their feet!

To show that we're good sports, we'll let the "Shakespeare in the Park" folks use any or all of these ideas to help them show their devotion to diversity of opinion in the arts, and to inject a little blood into their centuries-old productions which isn't that of a sitting President.

BONUS: A YUUUUUUUUUGE BIRTHDAY!

Leave it to our patriotic new President to have his birthday on Flag Day! Be sure to fly yours today - make it a twofer!

Mundane Morning Quarterback

We hope you enjoy the cartoon above, because there was no way we were wading into the morass (not that we're against morass) of the latest news cycle.

Anti-Sharia Law protesters were attacked by Antifa counter-protesters, while LGBT groups took to the streets in support of Islam. We'll note that LGBT folks also take to the streets in Islamic countries, only they start from rooftops.

We learned that Comey may or may not really have secret memos, Trump may or may not really have secret tapes, Mueller may or may not be preparing to charge the President with obstructing the investigation of crimes which didn't happen, and all the while tweets keep flying out of the Oval Office in the wee hours (or, to men of a certain age, the wee-wee hours) to remind everyone that The Donald has political Tourette's syndrome.

So instead of dwelling on the depressing stuff above, we're going to share some actual, thoroughly investigated good news to get your Monday morning (and conceivably many other mornings) off to a good start: "Zing Zang" Bloody Mary mix is great.

We discovered this on Saturday morning while attending a dog's birthday party. Bloody Marys were served, though not all of the people (and none of the dogs) in attendance availed themselves of such, apparently under the mistaken belief that when it's 8 a.m. in Texas, it really isn't "5 o'clock somewhere."  We begged to differ, and further pointed out that on the very spot we were standing, it had turned 5 o'clock three hours ago.

You may question our logic, but it's demonstrably sounder than anything else in the news.

Breakfast of Champions

Comey's Testy Moaning

Despite stratospheric levels of hype, yesterday's laughably named "intelligence hearing" testimony by disgraced former FBI Director James Comey wasn't so much "shock and awe" as "Rorschach" and "Aw, shut the Hell up."

We cite Rorschach because, as is the case with other meaningless ink blots, everyone interpreted Comey's remarks however they wanted: the Right sees Trump as completely exonerated, and the Left believes they heard so much dirt that they can't decide whether to take the time to impeach the President or simply march on the White House with pitchforks and torches and burn the building down while he's still inside.

The reality, as nearly as we can tell, is that Trump didn't do anything legally wrong when talking to Comey about Mike Flynn and the Russian investigation. But in true snowflake-style, Comey is now interpreting his own bizarre feelings and fantasies related to that conversation as proof of wrongdoing.

Comey, who is dishonest and Machiavellian but no fool, is fully aware that Trump did nothing to obstruct justice - but he was spinning like a Dervish trying to imply otherwise. Which makes it fortunate that he no longer runs the Federal Bureau of Implication.

Comey did occasionally share interesting truths, including his concern that former DOJ head Loretta Lynch had been compromised during her meeting with Bill Clinton on an airport tarmac. He additionally confirmed that Lynch asked him (which in Comey's mind is apparently a direct order) to refer to Hillary's criminal investigation as a "matter" - which Comey subsequently did, even though he freely admits that it was a lie designed only to help Hillary's image during election season.

All in all, his testimony showed only that Trump can be ham-handedly (but legally) direct when expressing his thoughts...and that Comey (among others associated with Obama and Clinton) has genuinely made a practice of obstructing justice by attempting to interpret the hints, nuances, and implied desires of his political masters.

Because a nod is as good as a wink when justice isn't intended to be blind.