Takes A Licking, Keeps On Ticking

No dire reason for a lack of a more news-oriented post today, other than that we were juggling too many chainsaws this weekend. Which is apparently also true for the poor wretch in the cartoon above.

Among the distractions: a trip to the vet with Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) to try and track down some malady that had left her lethargic and off her food. It's a sad and scary thing to know that your furry family member has something wrong but can't communicate what it is.

Diagnostic results will come in sometime today, but we're glad to report that Penny's appetite and energy seem to have returned, and only moments ago she felt perky enough to shout feisty canine insults and challenges to an Amazon driver who dared come to our door to deliver a shower curtain. "We'll not be having any of THAT," wurfed Penny.

It's entirely possible that she just had an upset stomach from eating poop. Although that never seems to be a problem for politicians who, we believe, subsist on the stuff.

BONUS: CHEETOS NEVER WIN

Some months ago, Frito-Lay had a contest in which people were supposed to submit pictures of actual Cheeto corn puffs which looked like something. Anything. The best specimen would win some wonderful prize which we can't actually remember, but would probably leave the winner with orange fingertips for a lifetime.

The picture above was Daughter Jarlsberg's entry and, to our eyes, a darned good one. What we have there is the mighty Bigfoot ("Sasquatch" in the language of Native Americans) standing tall, powerful chest puffed, and long arms hanging to his sides while he scans the horizon for predatory documentary makers from the Discovery Channel. Amazing, isn't it?!

The contest is long since over and, since Daughter Jarlsberg is none the richer for the experience, we think it's safe to say that the fix was in. We can't connect all the dots yet, but we're pretty sure the blame should eventually fall on Hillary Clinton.

"You'll Saw Your Head Off...!"

Hillary: "Imagine if he was using a silencer!"

Christmas came early this year for connoisseurs of hilariously stupid journalistic malfeasance. Specifically when USA Today, an alleged newspaper, sought to educate its readers about the weapon used in the horrific mass-killings in a small Texas church.

That's about as serious a topic as you can get, so you'd think that serious journalism would be something of a goal for USA Today. But how wrong you'd be!

To add to their audience's fear of guns and those who wield them (like the hero NRA instructor who used his own AR-15 to end the carnage), the paper released an infographic video on their Twitter feed described as "a look at the gun used in the Texas church shooting." They then showed the basic gun, then started adding on possible modifications to make in more insanely terrifying, like a bump stock, laser sight, extra large magazine, and...a chainsaw bayonet.

Yep, this is actually what USA Today thinks people should start worrying about

Before you even ask, no - there's no such thing as a commercially available "chainsaw bayonet," although there are a few good old boys on Youtube who've rigged up dummy (literally) models so they can play "hold my beer" while charging, shooting, and eviscerating enemy pumpkins.

But USA Today would have you believe that ignorant, bible-thumping deplorables can just waltz into Walmart and toss a chainsaw bayonet in the cart along with their Pabst Blue Ribbon, turkey jerky, and environmentally-unfriendly disposable diapers.

Diapers which might actually be better used by the gullible USA Today readers who wet themselves when just thinking about this hybrid killing machine...and perhaps also by the USA Today journalists and editors who chose to indulge in infantile gun fantasies rather than bothering to research actual facts.

The Music Man

No politics today (yay!) because, unlike most days, I actually had professional work to do and it used up all my time and all my intelligence.  As I'm probably about to prove.

For the past several decades, I've made my living writing for the entertainment industry. Mind you, I'm in Texas and I'm a writer - so I don't have any wild tales of drug fueled parties, sexually defiled potted plants, or rings of pedophiles. I'm not saying that those things couldn't happen in Texas, I'm saying that no one invites writers to parties.

A lot of my writing has been on kid-friendly projects with a musical component, as was the case today.  Specifically, I'm collaborating with a very talented composer (and close friend) to create a live orchestral piece which will introduce kids to symphonic music without A) boring their socks off, or B) being "Peter and the Wolf" for the umpteenth time. The hope is that it will be performed by multiple orchestras across the nation, and that those orchestras will pay handsomely for the privilege of doing so. No government grants here, folks!

In essence, the production will feature humorous narration interspersed with delightfully bombastic music, while funny illustrations (several of which may be about farts) are projected onto a screen to keep the young audience laughing. Today's job was figuring out where those many illustrations should go in the script, and exactly what the images will be so we can communicate instructions to our Ukrainian artist.  A business arrangement which may land us a subpoena from the ever and overzealous Robert Mueller.

Overall, a fun and productive day. Who could ask for anything more?   -Stilt