Ross To Judgement

In what we're hoping will soon become a trend, ABC News has suspended their reporter Brian Ross not for boob grabbing, fanny patting, weeny waggling, or misuse of an under-the-desk "rape button," but rather for committing actual journalistic malfeasance.

Specifically, Ross broke the story (perhaps not realizing just how broken it was) that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was prepared to testify that candidate Donald Trump had told him to make contact with the Russians during the election - no doubt for purposes of heinous collusion in the first degree.

Wow! That's a pretty damning story - and the stock market reacted with a plunge of over 300 points as evil millionaires and billionaires rushed to the exits, aware that the criminal Trump administration was finished.

Fortunately for us, and quite unfortunately for ABC, the story was 100% untrue - although we can't say yet if this can be attributed to straight up lying or just ham-handed ineptitude.

Actually, Flynn was prepared to testify that President-Elect Trump (after the election) predictably and appropriately asked him to make contact with Russia as any transition team would do - in this case to discuss the possibility of joint US/Russian military options to fight ISIS.

Ross has been suspended without pay for 4 weeks, and ABC has issued a retraction of the earlier story...albeit without the hoopla surrounding their original "scoop." Frankly, we're hoping that Ross spends his time off productively, perhaps watching old reruns of "Dragnet." He'd at least be reminded of the importance of gathering "just the facts."

We'll Get Hat Mail For This

Yes, it's another "free association" Earwigs day here at Stilton's Place! There are some things happening on the home front that are keeping us from being able to really focus - and besides, wouldn't we all really just enjoy a few simple laughs on a Friday?

Oh, we could have riffed on sexual improprieties again, but we're getting sick of the story. Not that we're getting sick of guys getting their asses handed to them for being jerks to women - we're just getting tired of talking about it.

Perhaps because some of these most recent sex scandals don't really have a lot of zing to them. Owl-faced Garrison Keillor hugged a woman and his hand briefly touched her bare back?! Give us a break. Back in old Hollywood, comedian Fatty Arbuckle was accused of raping a woman to death with a Coke bottle, and more recently actor Bob "Hogan's Heroes" Crane shot hundreds of porn videos of himself with different women until the night he was beaten to death with his own camera. (Which, incidentally, would be a lot harder to do in the age of the iPhone.)

We're not saying that those are good things, but we're saying they're at least more interesting than hearing about Mr. Lake Woebegon fingering the notches in some woman's spine.

We might also have written about North Korea's new ballistic missile that can theoretically nuke anyone in the United States...or easily cause an EMP event which would kill off 90% of Americans through starvation and disease (as could John Conyers boxer shorts). But hey - is THAT what anyone wants to hear about on a perfectly nice Friday?! We think not.

So instead, we've got the Earwigs cartoon and a very important request: Please help us wish "Happy Birthday" to the lovely (and loved) Mrs. Jarlsberg today! Absolutely no one of AARP age should look as good as she does!

Nuclear Mistletoe

Liberals are in a hyperventilating tizzy (but we repeat ourselves) over the latest horror from the Trump White House. Specifically, that mistletoe is being included in the official Christmas decorations, which could lead to a nightmarish spate of boob grabbing and unwanted kissing which hasn't been seen since Joe Biden left the Vice Presidency.

Mistletoe wasn't hung in the White House during the Obama administration, owing to the fact that the media kissed Barry's rear end so frequently that additional smooching just seemed like overkill. Plus, it clashed with the White House Kwanzaa decorations dedicated to Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, and Imani...perhaps because people at least knew what the hell mistletoe was.

Frankly, we doubt that hanging a few sprigs of mistletoe is likely to cause men in the White House to suddenly develop a yuletide "Franken sense" and start playing grab-ass with unwilling women. Although just to be safe, we'd recommend keeping Democrats and Hollywood lefties out of the White House until the holidays have passed.

AN EQUAL TIME REPLY...

...to show that we actually take this issue very, very seriously.

AND THIS JUST OUT...

Since going to press with the cartoons above, we've learned that "Today" show host Matt Lauer has been fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior."

We don't know exactly what Lauer was accused of, but the fact that the name "Matt" is short for "Mattress" should probably not be overlooked.

And let's not forget the Halloween that Matt
showed up for work dressed as Jennifer Lopez...