2017 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2017 is dead and gone, and we're here today to give it our traditional autopsy. Make sure you're wearing your surgical mask, gloves and smock - this isn't going to be pretty.

January - 

President-elect Trump prepares to take office while Democrats, Washington elites, and the media keep hoping that they're just having a really bad LSD trip. As reality set in, Barack "I Loathe America" Obama deigned to give Trump some helpful advice...

Of course, we now know that Obama was well aware that the intelligence agencies (at least at the highest levels) were involved up to their adam's apples in conspiratorial pro-Hillary anti-Trump mischief which, in other countries, would have been handled with firing squads when the new administration came in.

Perhaps to show the importance of respecting our intelligence agencies, the outgoing president then made a stunning move...

After repeatedly saying that our entire system of democracy was undermined by the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks, Obama commuted the 35-year espionage sentence of Private Bradley Manning (now "Chelsea Manning" through the politically popular miracle of gender reassignment and garden shears) for the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks.

Which was yet another reason we weren't sorry when Inauguration Day arrived...



Trump's inauguration was glorious on many levels - not the least of which was Barry finally leaving the White House, and the deliciously sweet knowledge that it was the worst day of Hillary Clinton's life. The occasion was marred only slightly by the new President's insistence that his inauguration was attended by "75 billion people, many of whom came from distant galaxies to be here."

But in the midst of all the celebrations and renewed hope for America, tragedy unexpectedly struck on January 26, when the last Hope n' Change cartoon was posted and Stilton left the building under a tattered, 8-year old "Mission Accomplished" banner.

The nation mourns until...

February - 

Surprise! After going through severe withdrawal pains we launched "Stilton's Place," which was exactly the same as Hope n' Change, including the same familiar faces...

Funny, we thought your generation knew ALL the four letter words...

Frankly, we had to come back. Per the first editorial on the new site: "Donald Trump is Presidenting like he has a roman candle shooting out of his rear end, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad, and always (gulp) exciting. Meanwhile, those on the Left have upped their game from insane to criminally insane, having conniption fits over the slightest of upsets and calling for the blood of conservatives to flow in the streets."

And so, the battle between good and evil was rejoined, just in time for...

March -

This has been a public cervix announcement.

After spending 8 years watching Obama put his shoes on the executive desk, Leftists suddenly decided that "knees off the furniture" was critically important in the Oval Office.

Mind you, these are the same idiots who didn't complain a bit when Monica Lewinsky's knees hit the carpet and Bill Clinton's "precious bodily fluids" were shooting around that same oval office like a Red Bull-fueled fire hose. Even today, we think there's probably more of Bill's DNA in that room than there is in Chelsea.

Meanwhile, the Washington "swamp" did everything in its power to undermine the new President and his team...

"Fingers" Franken in happier times.

Not only was there no evidence of Trump's campaign "colluding" with Russia, but the whole premise never made sense. Why would Putin want a wildcard like Donald Trump in office instead of the blackmail-ripe woman who had already sold Putin 20% of our uranium reserves in return for a quick influx of cash?

And speaking of sleazy Clinton deals...

Hey Bill, is that a missile in your pocket or are you glad to see me?

North Korea's roly-poly but unloveable leader Kim Jong-un started an exciting new hobby of testing missiles, setting off nuclear detonations, and swearing to destroy the United States in colorfully insane declarations. Trump countered with increasingly brutal tweets, including one that said Kim's late father "smelled of elderberries."

Little mentioned in all this was the fact that during Bill Clinton's administration, the president and his wife made a special allowance (in return for a buttload of campaign cash) for an American company to sell missile guidance technology to China, which in turn sold it to North Korea.

As icing on the (yellow)cake, the Bill & Hillary administration also gave North Korea nuclear reactors. What could possibly go wrong? 

And yet, our nation was still stunned by an unexpected nuclear event in...

April -

History was made when, for the first time since our nation became a nation, Democrats filibustered an exemplary Supreme Court Nominee solely because - and we've got plenty of political scientists and analysts to back us up on this - they were complete and total assholes.

The only way around this epic act of douchebaggery was for Senate Republicans to invoke the so-called "nuclear option," which - disappointingly - did not require inviting Democrats to "a picnic and very special surprise" in the remotest corner of Nevada.

Still, despite the terrific Supreme Court victory, Trump wasn't able to immediately enact everything he'd promised voters...

Rather than having the Democrats shut down the government (and to prevent them from again turning Americans away from Mount Rushmore, Old Faithful, and the Washington Monument), Donald Trump agreed to let an interim spending bill (is there any other kind?) proceed without the startup money for his border wall.

This unexpectedly conciliatory move gave the mass media reason to see the new President in a more favorable light. Not that it happened in...

May -

Yes, Colbert really said that. And yes, his ear is really hideously deformed.

On the CBS "Late Show," Stephen Colbert delivered an extended, gutter-language attack on President Trump. This would become the new norm for news shows, entertainment shows, and any gathering of two or more liberals.

And President Trump was big enough to shrug it off, apparently believing not only that "words can never hurt me" but "if they do hurt, I'm going to kick someone's ass." 

Fortunately, there was a loudmouthed ass just begging for such treatment...

FBI Director James Comey got fired for being a complete ass-weasel, Hillary shill, and rabid anti-Trump saboteur. Which suddenly made him a virtuous martyr in the eyes of Democrats who had previously labeled him "Public Enemy Number One" for accidentally derailing Hillary's coronation by burying only 98% of her crimes.

The embittered Comey then leaked a private Presidential conversation to the press, claiming falsely that Trump tried to involve him in a conspiracy to obstruct justice. A lie which would eventually lead to the appointment of Robert Mueller as a really annoying and equally corrupt Special Counsel.

Hollywood leftists then decided that they were showing too much restraint in their criticism of Trump, and had to up their game...

The last known picture of Kathy Griffin when she had a career.

Alleged "comedian" Kathy Griffin (best known for being an angry, unfunny, and annoying presence who has never even accidentally made an audience laugh) held up Donald Trump's bloody, severed head under the belief that Americans find both assassination and ISIS to be hilariously funny.

Amazingly, she got so much negative feedback (even from the Left) that her national tour was cancelled and she was fired from her longterm gig of co-hosting New Year's Eve coverage on a major network.

As far as we know, the only work she can now find involves going to ISIS training camp to entertain the troops, like some sort of Bizarro-world America-hating Bob Hope from Hell.

And speaking of the fiery furnace...

June -

He's been down there since Inauguration Day.

Donald Trump took to the Rose Garden to announce his unwavering support for the end of the world. At least, that's how Leftists described Trump's decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord because the terms were unfairly stacked against America and Americans.

Trump actually announced that he would honor withdrawal terms negotiated by Obama, meaning it would take up to 4 years to actually leave the accord...with the final decision left to voters in the next Presidential election. Still, he would subsequently be blamed for every hurricane, wild fire, and cow fart which defiled Mother Earth.

Of course, the Left knew exactly what needed to be done...

We're not sure if this production is "Hamlet" or "As You Like It."

New York's well-funded (including with tax money) "Shakespeare in the Park" company staged a modern day retelling of Julius Caesar in which the title character is depicted as Donald Trump - causing liberal glee when he's graphically and bloodily assassinated onstage by knife-wielding maniacs costumed as Washington insiders. 

What a great family outing, huh? And how better to introduce kids to Shakespeare than by making it "fun" with the repeated stabbing of an American President?!

Not that the real Trump was incapable of the occasional self-inflicted wound...

Following disgraced former FBI director James Comey's assertions that Trump told him to obstruct justice in a secret Oval Office conversation, the President made numerous tweets that he had audio recordings of everything and would prove Comey a liar.

Unfortunately, when pressed on the point Trump admitted that he had no secret tapes of any conversations.  Despite this, good Americans knew that Trump wasn't lying but was instead slightly nuts. Albeit not as nuts as the "fake news" media...

In an effort to increase their plummeting journalistic credibility, CNN invited Sesame Street's "Elmo" to participate in a panel discussion about President Trump's temporary travel ban and its possible effect on young Syrian refugees. No, really.

The guest shot proved to be so successful that CNN immediately took action to have their regular news anchors perform with a hand up their ass while on the air. The effort eventually failed when it was discovered that there was simply no room, owing to the anchors' heads already being in there.

___________________

Join us Wednesday for The Year in Review (Part Two)!

Heil Merry Christmas

And not the firm, dry stuff either.

As 2017 drags itself across the finish line, we find ourselves reflecting on the fact that this may well have been the worst year ever for American journalism - and that's a pretty high bar to clear.

We've got plenty of evidence to back up this proposition, not the least of which is a new article from Newsweek which is hilariously titled "HOW TRUMP AND THE NAZIS STOLE CHRISTMAS TO PROMOTE WHITE NATIONALISM" (hey, if they use all caps, we'll use all caps).

The article, tastefully published on Christmas Eve and likely written under the influence of heavily spiked egg nog, would be impossible for us to paraphrase. No, it needs to be read to be (dis)believed:

"Trump is promoting a version of the holidays which excludes members of other religions, and his crusade to bring back Christmas is part of a larger attempt by the President to define America as a country for white Christians alone.

Wishing people "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" is thus in line with Trump's decision to ban citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, critics say. It fits neatly with his refusal to condemn white supremacists when they march against diversity, and with his condemnation of athletes who protest police brutality against black men."

If you read far enough into the article, which we certainly don't recommend, Newsweek finally gets around to saying that in pre-war Germany the Nazis attempted to nationalize many holidays including Christmas. But they then generously concede that "Trump's rhetoric differs from that of Nazi Germany's, most notably because he has never advocated genocide."

This is not journalism. It isn't even an editorial. It's an ugly, hate-filled, foam-at-the-mouth screed by people whom Trump would unsubtly but accurately describe as "losers."

We'd say more, but this piece of garbage article upset us so much that we need to calm ourselves with some relaxing music. We're thinking Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas."

AND ONE MORE THING...

This is our final post for 2017 (we'll have our annual "year in review" post on Monday) and we want to wish all of you a very happy and safe New Year's celebration, whether it's boisterous or quiet. And remember, if you drink don't drive...and if you don't drink, can we have your glass of champagne?

Happy New Year from the Jarlsberg family!

Simple and dry, but we think you'll be amused by its presumption.

Christmas Weak

We'll admit it: rather than harshing our Christmas buzz by marinating in the news, we decided to give ourselves the precious gift of sloth. We also gifted ourselves with a buttload of extra calories, a 2 o'clock "Happy Hour," and some family binge-watching of "Ash vs. Evil Dead" which has finally made it to Netflix. The series is, in a word, "groovy."

But we haven't arrived at the blog empty-handed today! Just feast your eyes on this...

No photoshop was used in this picture. Honest!

Yes, it's an honest-to-gosh Donald Trump gingerbread cookie which we received in the mail today, along with a bunch of other homemade goodies from a special (and conservative) friend! We only took it out of its cellophane wrap long enough to take this picture, then carefully replaced it.

And while framing it seems appropriate, the reality is that it's probably not an option. So after a suitable period of Making the Cookie Jar Great Again, we'll have to eventually consume this spicy treat.

Interestingly, it isn't supposed to be dunked in milk. Rather, it should only be dunked in liberal tears - which, fortunately, are flowing freely these days.