Radical Moosedom Extremists

As the G7 Summit begins in Quebec, trade war tensions are crackling in the air. In part because prissy Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau recently asked how his country could possibly be a "national security issue" for the United States, after which political historian Donald Trump accused Canada of burning down the White House during the War of 1812...

In fairness, this is a traditional way for Canadians to keep warm.

Which they pretty much did, depending on how you want to parse the semantics: the White House pyromaniacs were technically British citizens at the time, but many of the torch-bearers were born Canucks as we know from their well-remembered battle cry: "So let's burn this place down, eh?"

With this in mind, we now take you on a trip into the recent past to remember how the chilling (literally) threat of Canadian terror was dealt with under Barack Hussein Obama...

FROM THE VAULT (Friday March 22, 2013)

Barack Hussein Obama kicked open the door for Mideast peace yesterday by sharing his insight that the relationship between Israelis and Palestinians is almost exactly the same as the relationship between Americans and Canadians.

Granted, the Canadians haven't sworn to wipe America off the face of the Earth, nor do they constantly barrage our cities with rockets and mortar rounds, or send suicide bombers to blow the hell out of innocents in public places. But other than that, those Canadians are really hateful bastards.

And yet, after centuries of bloodshed and warfare between our two nations, Barack Obama has finally managed to negotiate an uneasy peace with those snowbound, French-speaking assholes by recognizing their divine right to have their own nation-state separate from the United States, as well as the religious freedom to say "aboot" when the sons of bitches clearly mean "about."

And so too, according to the president, the Palestinians and Israelis can come to a meaningful peace by following our example and, perhaps, fielding hockey teams.

Or then again, maybe the Palestinians and Israelis can achieve a real peacemaking victory simply by finding just one thing that both sides can agree on.

We think "Barack Obama is a complete effing idiot" would be a really good start.

So, you know, you should watch for anything that's like syrup-titious, eh?

Missed America

Sorry, Busty (and heterosexual males) but when the Miss America Organization announced that there would be "no swimsuits" in this year's competition, they weren't adding nudity to the mix - but rather insuring that in these #MeToo times, the contestants would be properly and fully covered to protect them from the lustful gazes of the babe-centric.

In fact, the women "will no longer be judged on outward physical appearance" at all...

Clearly this is a huge step forward for those who hate attractive women (and who doesn't?) and also represents a huge door-opening opportunity for the many women who've been unable to peddle their wares onstage since sideshows were outlawed.

The event (which is not to be called a "pageant" ever again) will now feature women, or people who want to be women, or people who are becoming women being judged (wait, can we still say "judged?" Shouldn't it be "honored?") while wearing the evening garb of their choice and "discussing how they will advance their social impact initiatives." Wow, talk about HOT!

The Miss America event is at least keeping the talent competition, so we can still judge - oops, honor! - women who can twirl batons, play "Lady of Spain" on the accordion, solve a Rubik's cube, read self-written poems celebrating abortion, or devour a 72-ounce steak in under 5 minutes without using her hands.

We are also given to understand that the "Miss Congeniality" award will now be replaced by a "Miss Congenital Defect" award, and we think it's high time!

The event will be televised on ABC on September 9th. If you're like us, you're already marking your calendar to make sure that your television (just like males all over America) won't get turned on.

BONUS: I DID NOT PLAY SAX WITH THAT WOMAN

Bill was wiping his servers long before Hillary got the idea.

In a hilarious appearance on NBC's "Today Show" to tout a novel he allegedly co-wrote, Bill Clinton was unexpectedly grilled on how he views the Monica Lewinsky scandal in light of progressive America's sudden realization that sexually abusing young women and destroying their reputations might not be the good-natured fun the Left always assumed it to be.

Slick Willy (looking increasingly like he's got a bad case of Sick Willy) was clearly annoyed by the host's repeated questions, denied any real wrongdoing, repeatedly claimed he'd apologized to Lewinsky before admitting that he hasn't (and won't), and also whined that he "didn't get out free" because he left the White House with $16 million in legal bills. None of which, as we recall, were actually related to his degradation of a woman 27 years his junior, but were rather a byproduct of his repeatedly lying under oath.

Clearly, Bill's not going to break his lifelong habits of lying and sexual predation just to please the transitory #MeToo movement. Especially since he sees all women as #MeatToo.

Monkey Business

Following the brouhaha about Valerie Jarrett and "The Planet of the Apes," we thought it was a good idea to run a quick experiment to see what was and wasn't still acceptable in the world of political mockery. For this reason, we quickly whipped up the above comparison to Nancy Pelosi and a random baby monkey who would probably make better policy decisions.

The results amazed us: not only did we NOT get sent to Facebook jail (yet), but at last count the picture had been shared with 687,211 people. A number which is all the more humbling when you think that if each one of those people sent us only a dollar, we could be having a way better Monday than we're actually having...and one which would probably involve popping champagne corks and a number of hilariously rude phone calls to people who annoy us in everyday life.

But no, Facebook glory neither lasts nor pays...but it was still fun to see such a silly post catch on fire for a bit, especially since it emitted the scorched scent of burning liberal fur.

And for the eagle-eyed among you, yes, our Facebook page is still called "Hope n' Change" though we're now trying to change it to "Stilton's Place," if only to better screw with Facebook's algorithms.