Tan O'Clock News

Today, we're debuting an exciting and journalistically responsible new feature intended to give a stronger voice to women in the normally testosterone-charged, scotch-swilling, cigar-chomping game of bare knuckle political commentary.

Purely as an aside, we also didn't think the news looked all that interesting today, and we didn't want to stick you with another Earwigs cartoon (no matter how delightful they are).

And so, we launch a bold experiment: grabbing actual headlines from the Drudge Report and getting reactions from some of the brightest young thinkers we could find at the beach.

Let us know in the comments section if you'd like to see the sporadic return of this feature on slow news days. 

Lady readers should also let us know if you'd like to see a future version of this feature which includes Stilton dispensing wit and wisdom while wearing a Speedo and scented body oil.

Not actually Stilton. The beard and speedo are too big.

LATE BREAKING NEWS: 

Great. So after we declared it to be a slow news day, a whole bunch of feces hit the fan when the Tuesday evening news came on.

Michael Cohen pled guilty to multiple charges including campaign finance violations, and is pinning the blame squarely on Trump (this regarding hush money paid to women who found sex with Trump so incredible that they couldn't resist talking about it even for 6-figure paydays).

Paul Manafort was found guilty on 8 out of 18 charges, virtually none of which have anything to do with Trump and everything to do with the fact that Manafort is a crooked scumbag. BUT, with an eye towards sentencing, who knows what kind of anti-Trump accusations Manafort will now make to try to save his own rear end?

Then tragically, we learned that missing Iowa college student Mollie Tibbetts's body was found when her alleged killer - a Goddamned illegal alien - led police to her corpse.

Who knew that a blog post that started off in such a light-hearted and eye-pleasing way would end with so much ugliness?

Clan MacGregor, here we come.

A Little Beard Told Me

The news was just a big old "nope" as we were looking for stories today. Granted, some headlines on Drudge briefly caught our attention and caused us to think of reflexive punchlines...

"Baby kissed by Pope overcomes brain tumor" - Pontiff defends use of tongue.

"Twitter admits: we lean left" - In other breaking news, water still wet, sky still blue.

"Nudists see memberships soar" - If your membership soars for more than four hours, see a doctor.

"Al Sharpton botches spelling of R-E-S-P-E-C-T" - Also regrets calling late singer "Urethra Franklin."

"Congressman warms up rally with Trump death joke" - Because frankly, what the hell else can a Democrat say to get a crowd excited?

See what we mean? Anyway, all of the above is why you're being treated to another Earwigs cartoon. By all means feel free to supply your own punchlines in the comments section!

What's a Joint Like You Doing in a Nice Girl Like This?

"You said a mouthful, honey!"

While not the biggest story currently in the public eye, we were drawn to today's topic because it serves as such an effective reminder of what kind of chaos we'd be experiencing on a daily basis if Hillary Clinton had successfully stolen the Presidency.

In this case, an 11-year-old girl in Baltimore who was inspired by Colin Kaepernick decided to "take the knee" during the Pledge of Allegiance to protest racism (she's white) and sexism (there are no 11-year-old female CEOs) and was told by her teacher that she had to stand. Heroically, the girl responded with tears, hysteria, a memorized recitation of the Supreme Court's "Tinker v. Des Moines" ruling, and an outreach to the local ACLU. You know, the way kids have always done.

Hillary, having nothing better to do with her time these days than encourage tiny little drama queens, tweeted "It takes courage to exercise your right to protest injustice, especially when you're 11! Keep up the good work!"

The Baltimore County Public Schools and the ACLU are now debating how best to deal with students "taking the knee" in protest, and it looks like school kids will likely be allowed - if not actively encouraged - to disrespect the Pledge from now on.

But we can't help but wonder how the school and ACLU will feel the first time a kid in an American flag t-shirt takes the knee to protest the Left's totally unfounded persecution of Trump? Or what if a kid chooses to bend a knee in protest of the illegal immigration which is changing our school systems? Or if we really want to see heads explode, let's watch what happens when a kid kneels to protest the injustice of attacks on 2nd Amendment rights?

Let us be clear: students don't lose their 1st Amendment rights when they enter a school, but that doesn't mean the school can't dictate the proper time, place, and form that expressions of political opinion should take place in order to minimize disruption and maintain appropriate discipline (which is already in short supply in too many school systems).

We'd say that we're disappointed in Hillary's encouragement of this nonsense, but in truth we're not even surprised. This is, after all, a woman who has never taken an actual stand for America...and who can't keep from falling to her knees unless her arms are supported by Secret Service agents.