Congressional Testy Moaning

The question everyone in America should be asking right now.

Politicians and alleged newscasters have been shocked, shocked, by the carefully choreographed Congressional testimony of prison-bound, disbarred, sleazeball former Trump attorney, Michael Cohen.

Disclaimer: we haven't really trained our laser-like focus on said testimony because (and we want to put this as delicately as possible) circle-jerks may be fun for participants but offer very little to outside observers.

To the best of our nearly nonexistent knowledge, Cohen hasn't produced a single substantive charge against Trump, other than to allege that the President is egotistical, sometimes uses bad language, puzzlingly finds porn stars and Playboy playmates attractive (and would rather that his wife not find out), that he's a wheeler-dealer, and that he believes some starving, corrupt, disease-ridden countries are "shitholes."

Of course, Cohen has hinted at much more and much worse. Which could be really problematic if hints from a serial liar carried any legal weight. But they don't. Still, that hasn't prevented pointless exchanges like this during testimony:

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz: Is it possible that (Trump's) whole family is conflicted or compromised with a foreign adversary in the months before an election?
Cohen (reading from script): Yes.

Wow! And is it possible that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz uses still-warm pureed fetuses in the shower to make her hair wavy? Also yes! Isn't "possible" a wonderful word?

The Left gleefully believes that if Donald Trump can be proven guilty of anything - no matter how slight - that by extension he's guilty of everything and can be impeached and removed from office. But they're forgetting that for many of us who voted for Trump, his character flaws have been known from the start and weren't considered disqualifiers for the filthy, stinking job that absolutely needed doing. And which he's doing pretty darn well.

BONUS: WHAT A DEALDO

While the Left was busy trying to sabotage the President of the United States, the President himself was in Vietnam trying to strike a nuclear disarmament deal with North Korea's Kim Jong Un.

It is "possible" (we told you we like that word!) that Kim was aware of the attempted stateside tar-and-feathering of Mr. Trump, and decided that it would give him a leg up at the bargaining table. Which is why, when the vicious little despot announced that he wasn't willing to put anything substantive on the bargaining table, he was probably shocked by Trump's announcement that the summit was over and that he was leaving immediately without even staying for the fancy diplomatic lunch.

Frankly, we think Mr. Trump handled this situation perfectly. There was never any guarantee of a deal, but Trump at least brought Kim to the table and, once the situation became clear, made him look like a petulant little jackass.

Compare this to the years of ineffectual ass-kissing we saw from Barack Obama (with North Korea and especially Iran), and we're definitely putting this one into the "win" category for the President.

Her "Owe" Face

Some might accuse us of making a cheap joke by mocking Alibaba Ocrazio-Corkboardz yet again, but there's actually nothing cheap about it.  Because the American Action Forum just tallied up the expenses associated with the freshman Congresswoman's "Green New Deal" and come up with a final cost of $93 trillion.

Of which, the amount you'll personally owe will be between $361,010 and $653,010 over a 10 year period. Which might sound like a lot of money, but in fairness is less than a tenth of what you'll receive from Netflix in return for the rights to your inspiring life story. Well, if you're a wild-eyed young socialist who can't do math.

If, on the other hand, you're a typical American who actually works for money, those sums may be somewhat more difficult to come up with since, during that same 10 year period, your home and workplace will both be demolished- eventually to be replaced with more energy-efficient structures built by illegal workers with union-mandated siesta times.

But at least the fossil fuel-free future will be bright for our children and grandchildren. Or would be, if we were allowed to have any. Because AOC (as she is called) has also suggested that humans stop procreating owing to the adverse effect those damn babies will have on climate change.

Meaning, to paraphrase "The Princess Bride," every aspect of her Green New Deal is literally "inconceivable."

BONUS: SCARLETT O'HARA IS THE NEW BLACK

We sincerely applaud entertainer Bill Porter for wearing a stunning tuxedo-gown to this year's Oscar Awards ceremony. Not because it's a great look for every guy (though Porter actually pulls it off pretty well), but because we think this single photo is the perfect negation of the falsified image of a dangerously racist and homophobic America which was recently propagated by Jussie Smollet and legions of Fake News people, celebrities, and social justice warriors.

The reality is that our nation is more accepting than any other on Earth. And when a gay black man can wear a gown to a prestigious public event while accompanied by his husband without fear of reprisal, it's because, in the words of Rhett Butler, "frankly, the American people don't give a damn."

That's actually worth celebrating, and not the worst possible finish for an otherwise regrettable Black History Month.

From The Vault: Statue of Limitations

Before going any farther, we'd like to kick off today's post with an idea we had which was inspired by the Jussie Smollett fiasco and our desire to bring together people of different races and political ideologies...

Washing instructions: extreme cold, no bleach

Yep, that should do the trick!

Although truthfully, rather than a hat which heals our nation's great divide, what we really needed today was a thinking cap...because we couldn't bring ourselves to do a new cartoon about the Oscars, owing to the fact that we don't give a tinker's damn about anything the idiots in Hollywood want to jam down our throats or up our rear ends.

Which is why it seemed a good time to revisit this cartoon from January 19, 2015...

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Today is Martin Luther King Jr Day. And what better way to celebrate the progress of Dr. King's magnificent vision than to take note of the fact that in today's America, "racism" is defined as failing to give enough statuettes to black millionaires in Hollywood.

At least, that's the opinion of Reverend Al "Taxes Is For White Folks" Sharpton, who has somehow become the ludicrous heir apparent to Dr. King's legacy. Following the announcement of this year's Oscar nominations, Reverend Al called an emergency meeting of his Diversity Task Force to address the fact that there were no black actors or directors nominated for top awards.

"In the time of Ferguson," Sharpton said while squinting into his word-a-day dictionary, "that is incongruous!"

Fortunately, the Diversity Task Force came up with a brilliant idea and announced that the always-diverse Black Entertainment Television network will now host the all-black Hollywood "Sharpie Awards."

There will be awards for "Best Blacktor" and "Best Blacktress," as well as awards for "Best Denzel Washington Movie," "Best Movie With Tyler Perry In A Housedress," "Best Movie That Oprah Had Any Damn Thing To Do With," and the "Samuel Motherfucking Jackson Lifetime Achievement Award" which, it is rumored, will be posthumously awarded to Ferguson's own Michael Brown for his non-moving performance in "Hands Up, Don't Shoot."

Currently, neither the Reverend Sharpton nor his Diversity Task Force has announced plans for a Martin Luther King "Content Of Character" award.