Torch Bearer

When an important icon of western civilization goes up in flames, as the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris did on Monday, experts tell us that the best way to cope with our collective grief is to make tasteless jokes about it. And by "experts," we mean the craftsmen who distill Clan MacGregor scotch.

We don't, of course, find anything remotely funny about the Notre Dame blaze...although we do find it "funny" that French authorities issued a report saying that the inferno couldn't possibly have been caused by arson or, God forbid, terrorism...even before launching a real investigation. Presumably, that report must have been authored by the French equivalent of James Comey, who is unclear about the proper sequencing of investigations, conclusions, and exonerations (at least, when there's a political agenda involved).

Fortunately, a lot of the great cathedral survived the flames, and donations are pouring in to rebuild the structure, perhaps with some important updated features which better reflect modern France, like state-of-the-art fire extinguishing systems, broadband wi-fi, and minarets.

BONUS: SOMETHING'S BERNING...

In a special Fox News town hall meeting, Democrat front runner (and yes, we're stunned to be writing those words) Bernie Sanders got a chance to air his bombastic socialist talking points. Oddly, the event was treated seriously by Fox News, who are said to be trying to arrange another town hall with Democrat wunderkind "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg, whose name we can neither pronounce nor say with a straight face. It is unknown if similar events will be planned for the other 93 currently named Democrat candidates for president.

For us, the highlight of the town hall came when it was pointed out that his bestselling book has made Bernie a multi-millionaire (presumably an evil one, since there's no other kind) who could voluntarily pay the higher taxes he deems a "fair share" versus the far lower taxes established by Donald Trump. So has he done that?

Bernie hemmed and hawed, but eventually admitted he hasn't voluntarily paid an extra cent in taxes in the name of fairness or eliminating income inequality. After which he started babbling about why the American Dream isn't about the freedom to make great wealth, but is rather about getting free healthcare, a free education, and "when (people) turn on the water, have drinkable water and not toxic water."

Presumably, Mr. Sanders' next bestselling book will be about hydration and hypocrisy.

Tick Talk

We're just going to let the cartoon do all our talking today. Unlike Omar and her freshman Congressional colleagues, we know when to shut up.

The Cart Before The Hearse

On Wednesday, we saw the first image of an actual black hole and, despite a bit of kidding from us, it was astounding and important. And not solely because it provides a perfect metaphor for a big, developing news story: the arrest of Wikileaks' Julian Assange.

Regarding the black hole picture, it's impossible to see the black hole itself because of the mind-blowing forces which the core exerts to keep anything from escaping. But we can infer a lot by the accumulation of seethingly hot material circulating around that mysterious center and defining its edges.

And so it is with the case of Julian Assange's sudden arrest and forcible removal from the Ecuadoran embassy within 24 hours of Attorney General William Barr's announcement that he's actively investigating the circumstances behind the attempted coup (our words, not his) of President Donald Trump via falsified charges of Russian collusion...and subsequent spying on Trump's campaign by intelligence agencies closely aligned with Barack "Gotta Protect My Legacy" Obama, and Hillary "I Sold My Soul For The Presidency" Clinton.

We don't yet know what's at the impenetrably black center of all this, but it's certainly interesting to look at the white hot material that's now circulating around this nexus.

Key to the Russian collusion case is the idea that the Russians hacked DNC computers (for Trump's alleged benefit) and gave the embarrassing information to Wikileaks to hurt Hillary. But Assange knows where that information really came from...and he hasn't been shy about saying that it wasn't Russia. Rather, he's hinted that the DNC materials may have come from someone within the party itself. Perhaps someone like young DNC staffer Seth Rich, who was upset that Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC for the express purpose of taking Bernie Sanders (at the height of his popularity) out of the presidential race, and who may have shared information with Assange. Seth was subsequently shot to death on the street...with no signs of an altercation or robbery.

If Assange names Seth Rich as his source and provides evidence to prove it, all Hell is likely to break loose (which we're enthusiastically in favor of). Moreover, if it can be clearly shown that our intelligence agencies knew that the Russians weren't the source of the leaks, they'll have a pretty hard time explaining why they subsequently began spying on a presidential candidate (based on a clearly fictitious dossier funded by - surprise! - Hillary Clinton), as well as employing high-ranking agents who vowed that they'd make sure Trump either never won, or would never serve.

It's a very high-stakes game, and at the moment we don't know which team just grabbed Assange. Did Trump order a preemptive arrest to keep Assange safe and get his testimony? Or did the Deep State/Obama/Hillary cabal snatch Assange to silence him permanently (be watching for telltale press stories reporting Assange to be suffering from "serious health problems," so snuffing him will seem at least slightly less obvious to those who've never heard of Arkancide).

Like that Black Hole, we can't see what's at the center of all this yet. But our gut tells us that it's absolutely massive...and that a lot of political hacks are about to be sucked inexorably into a crushing maw of unimaginable force.

BONUS: STARR LITE...

Speaking of people whose unlikely and untimely deaths benefitted Hillary Clinton's political ambitions, we're now hearing that Independent Counsel Ken Starr, in his final report about the Clintons' Whitewater scandal, tastefully omitted his conclusion that Hillary Clinton drove her "friend," attorney Vince Foster, to suicide by ripping him to shreds in front of White House staff.

Starr says that he cut his conclusion from the report to spare Hillary the pain of having to deal with what her cruel actions had caused. And that's plausible, we guess.

Also plausible is that Ken Starr didn't want his own dead body found in the middle of a public park with no grass on the bottoms of his shoes, next to an empty briefcase which - after being searched multiple times - suddenly and spontaneously produced a typed suicide note, torn into easily reassembled pieces, but bearing no fingerprints. Nor would Starr want Hillary's staffers to duck under the police crime scene tape surrounding his office to steal boxes of files...all of which happened to Vince Foster.

Let's be really clear about something: Hillary Clinton never intended to win the 2016 presidential election fairly...and she sure as Shinola didn't intend to lose the election fairly. Her crimes are known, many, and so far unpunished. Here's hoping that changes soon.

AND FINALLY...

According to Representative Ilhan Omar, the ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, the organization CAIR (the Council on American-Islamic Relations) "was founded after 9/11 because they recognized that some people did something and that all (Muslims) were starting to lose access to our civil liberties."

Some people did...something?!

Words fail us - and the most appropriate words aren't even fit to put on this page. Which is why we created the cartoon above to, hopefully, make our sentiments tastefully but abundantly clear.