Hat Trick

Up until now, we haven't really taken Gropin' Joe Biden's presidential campaign seriously, but now that we've heard his new slogan...well...we still can't take him seriously.

Best known for fondling and shnuzzling women and children, Biden announced on ABC's "Good Morning America" that his motto will be "Make America Moral Again." Which, admittedly, he can make a lot of progress on just by handcuffing his meaty paws to his belt for the next few months.

Biden also said that "unity" would be one of the three "major prongs" of his campaign. When added to "morality," that leaves his third major prong somewhat of a mystery - but we're not about to ask him about it, for fear of getting stung by the infamous "one eared elephant" trick he likes to pull on little girls.

And speaking of the fairer sex...

ALOHA SANDBAR

Sports Illustrated has announced that their 2019 Swimsuit edition, best known for showing voluptuous women modeling dental floss, is making history by including a model wearing a hijab and "burkini" - a full body covering which, when completely saturated, pretty much assures that the wearer will sink like a stone. Which, presumably, is better than being stoned for having an exposed belly button.

The young Somali-American model from (surprise!) Minnesota is unquestionably attractive, and her colorful outfits are appealing even if entirely impractical for anything remotely like swimming. Which perhaps explains why she's photographed frollicking in an inch of water like a flopping fish...

We understand and even support the idea of inclusiveness, but find this particular example to be an uncomfortable hypocrisy. It's hard to interpret the hijab and burkini as anything other than condemnations of the stone-worthy women who are modeling more revealing swimsuits.

Plus, Sports Illustrated could work with we cultural troglodytes at least a little; in explaining their editorial decision, they say "we strive to continue to spread the message that whether you are wearing a one-piece, a two-piece, or a burkini, you are the pilot of your own beauty."

Post 9/11, they just might want to go easy on the "pilot" metaphors.

Whined and Dined

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Joe Blow

It's official! "Groping Joe" Biden is now in the 2020 Presidential race, ratcheting up the excitement and interest in the Democrat field of contestants to the place that we still don't give a single damn.

Seriously, are the foam-at-the-mouth young radicals really going to get excited for another old white man (indeed, possibly the whitest man on Earth) with a long documented history of grabbing and nuzzling women and children, plagiarizing speeches, and making gaffes every time he opens his mouth? A man who has a long and easily-checked record of bad policy calls - like opposing integration efforts for schools, being wrong about every foreign policy pronouncement he's ever made, and announcing on live TV that Obamacare was a "big fucking deal" (although in fairness he was right, and we were the ones getting f*cked).

Biden made his announcement via a slickly-produced video in which he solemnly read meaningless platitudes off a teleprompter: "Folks, America is an idea. An idea that's stronger than any army, bigger than any ocean, more powerful than any dictator or tyrant (wink-wink, nudge-nudge). It gives hope to the most desperate people on Earth. It guarantees that everyone is treated with dignity. And gives hate no safe harbor."

While this droning monologue might make Biden (or more likely, his speechwriter) a reasonable candidate for Poet Laureate, it does nothing but confirm that the one-time Veep is an empty suit whose sole purpose is to give a pleasant face to the ugly, dangerous, and anti-American plans of the Deep State swamp dwellers.

But rather than put us all into a coma by continuing to talk about such a dull man, let's revisit a few cartoons from the vault which will help remind us of just what a nimrod we're dealing with...