Call of Doody

We feel like we're being somewhat derelict in our duty to report on the Schiff hearings, but to the best of our knowledge, the cartoon above sums things up pretty accurately.

The mainstream media keeps breathlessly announcing that one bombshell after another is dropping, any one of which could see Trump dragged screaming from the White House to a maximum security prison.

But when we consider the actual testimony, we're not hearing "bombshells" - we're hearing straining efforts to produce occasional plops and splashes...with exactly the accompanying scent you'd expect.

Apparently no one ever heard Trump say any of the things he's being accused of...but many people are still willing to go on record to say that they think Trump probably committed misdeeds, based on what these "witnesses" have heard from the media (which currently stands at 96% against Trump) rather than what they personally heard from the President's own lips.

The whole "impeachment hearing" process is a huge farce. And everyone knows how quickly farce can escalate into sharts.

Think we're overstating the scatological quality of these hearings? Then check out this actual video of Schiff's closing remarks from Thursday...

BONUS: BIDEN FAMILY VALUES

Like father, like scum.

With all of the arm-flapping, spin, and misdirection of the Schiff hearings, people haven't been paying enough attention to one of the case's central matters: determining just how much of a corrupt sleazebag Joe Biden's son Hunter really is.

Granted, we already knew that he'd been thrown out of the military for drug use. That he'd been in rehab multiple times. That he was siphoning off huge sums of money on various boards (including in Ukraine) to give people quid pro quo access to his father.

We even knew that Hunter Biden left his wife in order to start banging his dead brother's widow. But thanks to a recent DNA test, we now know that while Hunter was cheating on his wife, and enjoying some kind of necrophiliac incest with his sister-in-law, he was also shtupping a young woman in Arkansas who he knocked up, then lied about ever having had sex with her.

The legally-mandated DNA test came about because Biden had stopped making support payments to the mother and child, which is especially tacky considering the millions of dollars in graft money finding its way into his bank accounts.

Presumably, the mother and child will no longer have financial worries, even if Hunter won't cough up any dough. After all, now that his lineage has been proved, Joe Biden's new grandson can start sitting on the boards (using a booster seat) of some of the world's most corrupt companies.

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!

Just Punchlines

At the 11th hour, the State of Texas informed us we didn't have to come in for jury duty after all. That being the case, we thought we should take a day off from rendering judgment about the idiots in the news.

Which is why you're getting...

See you in the comments section!

Trials and Tribulations

In all seriousness, today we'll find out if we're being called in for jury duty here in the great state of Texas, where we've Made Capital Punishment Great Again.

On two previous occasions, we've almost served. During questioning for the first, we were asked if we'd had any negative experiences with lawyers and, because we were under oath, we had to testify truthfully that we'd been lied to and screwed by pretty much every lawyer we'd ever met, with the exception of our maternal grandfather whose tombstone accurately describes him as the "Last Honest Lawyer." Oddly, we were dismissed.

The next time, we were actually seated in the jury box and ready to go...but the defendant took one look at the 12 good and true citizens waiting to pass judgment, perhaps noticing the tiny bit of anticipatory drool on our personal chin, and decided to cop a plea with no testimony.

Whether we make the final cut this time remains to be seen, but per the cartoon above, we really do wonder if lawyers should ask potential jurors whether they've been watching the Schiff hearings. Because if they have, they'll either have a complete misunderstanding of how justice is supposed to work, or they'll know exactly how justice is supposed to work but will have come to the conclusion that the system is too corrupt to actually function.

Still, we believe in the jury system and won't do anything to get out of doing our duty. Because first and foremost, this is a nation of rights...and if we weasel out of serving, we'll lose our precious right to bitch about the cesspool of modern Justice.