The Truth About Santa

This is a magical and merry time of year, so we didn't want to harsh our holiday buzz by thinking about politics today. That's why we're presenting this very special holiday treat: THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA, exactly as written by Stilton's father many decades ago.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA

Santa is a very mean man, no matter what you may think.

Perhaps you've heard him called Saint Nick? No...they're two completely different people.

Saint Nick is a jolly man who brings grown-ups and children all the wonderful things and gifts they've hoped for or asked for...for the whole year. He always makes sure that every daddy and mommy and child at every home gets no less that $197.15 worth of first quality merchandise every Christmas...and sometimes even more!

However, Santa Claus follows Saint Nick, and as soon as Saint Nick comes out of the chimney, down goes Santa Claus. He looks at all the wonderful gifts and immediately takes the best ones and puts them in his bag. He fixes all the plastic toys so that they will break quickly, and if a toy uses batteries, he replaces these with very weak batteries that will not work long.

He changes clothing items for sizes that will not fit and hides the sales receipt so they may not be easily returned. He also substitutes bad colors for good on any clothing gifts for girls. If he finds candy in the Christmas stockings, he exchanges it for some candy he carries which will make children sick.

When he has done all he can think of to make people unhappy, he shoots up the chimney to his sleigh...making sure that the reindeer kick loose a few shingles in their departure. This will make the roof leak and ruin the plaster and lose Daddy thousands of dollars when he attempts to sell the home.

Santa then takes all the good toys and presents he has stolen and gives them to bad little boys and girls who do not deserve them. And these bad little children will laugh at good little children like you because they got what you wanted!

This year, maybe bad Santa will give good Saint Nick some candy to make him sick on Christmas Eve. If that happens, everybody will get "Christmas surprises" that are very surprising indeed!

JOHNNY OPTIMISM UPDATE

The free Johnny Optimism ebook promotion is over, and it was a huge success! Lots of books got download, lots of reviews have been written (thank you so much!), and a gratifying number of paperback books were purchased.

As promised, we looked at the total profit for the paperback books and it was a bit shy of $50 (there were quite a few sales, but we'd priced the book so low that there wasn't much profit per copy). In any event, we kicked the total up to $100 and made a donation from all of us to a group called "Canines for Disabled Kids." Hey, what says "Johnny and Lance" more than deserving kids getting service dogs?

Merry Christmas to one and all!

If you bought a paperback, then this is YOUR donation too!

Swindlers List

Mrs. Jarlsberg summed things up perfectly when she said that the day after Trump's impeachment felt "9/11-ish." Yes, it did. And does.

Much like the 9/11 attacks, the impeachment of Trump was an attack on all of us by a radicalized group that hates America, hates freedom, hates capitalism, hates respect for human life,  hates individual responsibility, and has a fevered desire to bring it all crashing down.

And as much as we dislike agreeing with anything ever said by Barack F. Obama, compared to congressional Democrats, Isis and Al Qaeda really are the "JV teams" in terms of the damage they can afflict on our nation. A seat of power is always going to be more dangerous than a seat in a cockpit.

The articles of impeachment are a complete sham, and represent a historic low of lawlessness and dereliction of duty in American politics. To borrow an apt term from the President of the United States, these people are scum. And every last one of the bastards is blessed to live in a country governed by a man who doesn't use firing squads to sort out insurrection...no matter how richly deserved.

During the impeachment vote, almost every Democrat said words to the effect that Trump was an immediate danger to national security and all we hold dear. That being the case, why is Nancy Pelosi unwilling to let Trump's case go to trial in the Senate? Is he an imminent danger, or isn't he? By her actions, Pelosi is quite clearly saying that he is not. And just as clearly saying that her party has lost none of its historical enthusiasm for lynchings.

LIFE GOES ON...

• The Johnny Optimism book is still flying off the shelves at Amazon (and still free at this link). And as of yesterday was Amazon's #1 bestseller in the Graphic Novel (free) category. Can fame and fortune for Johnny be far behind? Yes, probably - but still, it was a fun milestone.

And we won't beat the subject to death, but we'd greatly appreciate some additional reviews on Amazon. In theory, when a book gets 50 reviews, Amazon gives it substantially more exposure and marketing. Also, with that many good reviews, it really dilutes any one-star reviews from nincompoops.

• Remember our complaint that the IRS was taking forever to resolve a $5000 fine they'd imposed on us for being a few weeks late filing an information form about the contents of our retirement account? Well, today was the magic day that we finally received an official letter stating that our fine of $5,353 (there was accrued interest) had been reduced to $0.

We are grateful that there is still apparently someone with actual logic working within the IRS, and further grateful that this indicates they haven't linked our playful political musings to our social security number yet.

BONUS: FREE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

To take your mind off the news and to gleefully annoy anyone who is offended by the word "Christmas," we're giving you a free no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

And yes, it's exactly the same album we give away every year - because it's our holiday tradition!

Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.

It's the Manhole Steamrising "Complete Christmas Collection" and...what's that? You never heard of Manhole Steamrising? Well, you didn't think we could afford to hire Mannheim Steamroller to record a custom album, did you?! Besides, who needs all of those fancy-shmancy synthesizers when you're trying to enjoy quiet moments with the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and the tinkling ice in your glass of scotch?

The album is solo harp which is actually played by a real angel (we think his name is "Harold") and consists of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. It's our way of saying "thank you" and "Merry Christmas" to everyone who visits Stilton's Place!

Want to sample the music before downloading or enjoy it without downloading? Then just click here to listen to the Youtube version!

FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!

Democrats, when not busily impeaching the President for being successful and patriotic, like to promise "free" goodies in exchange for votes. Of course, those goodies are never actually free, and usually don't even happen. Which is why we're going to show them how it's done...

Yes, everyone's favorite sick-but-lovable webcomic about a boy, his dog, and the general hellishness of Life is now in book form and, like Johnny approaching a steep wheelchair ramp, we want to give it a really good push to get started. That's why we're giving it away free as our gift to you, our favorite people on Earth. You can download the ebook from Amazon absolutely free (by clicking on this link) between 12/18 and 12/22. (Please check to make SURE that the actual price has dropped to $0.00, and not just $0 if you belong to Kindle Unlimited. Also, you DO NOT NEED to join Kindle Unlimited to get the book free - so don't do that!)

The ebook can be read on any computer, smartphone, or tablet using the free Kindle Reader app from Amazon. And the book has been specially optimized to look great, even on a dinky little phone, if you know this trick: turn your phone sideways, then double-tap on a cartoon. This will make the cartoon full-screen, after which a simple tap or finger stroke on the cartoon will automatically advance you to the next rib-tickler!

There's also a genuinely lovely paperback version of Johnny's book, which we're temporarily offering for $5.99 (pretty much the lowest price Amazon will let us charge, and free shipping with Prime). The paperback is perfect for bathroom reading, "accidentally" leaving behind in doctors' waiting rooms, holiday gift-giving, or a "get well" gift for anyone who you're not fully committed to seeing get well.

But wait! There's more! We're going to take every cent of profit from the paperback (during the dates shown), double it, then donate it to a children's charity. And how do you know we'll really do that? Because we're not thieving liars who steal from charity like the Clintons!

AND NOW, WE'D LIKE TO ASK A FAVOR... Amazon markets books based on how popular they are and how many reviews they get online. So after you've downloaded the book, please consider leaving an honest Amazon review. And if you do, please don't mention politics because Johnny has enough problems already without being labeled a Nazi.

Enjoy the book, and feel free to share the link with others! After all, it's the season of giving!