Code Hearted

Joe Biden brought little joy to the nation's coal miners when, in a recent "No Malarkey and Damn Little Poppycock" campaign speech, he acknowledged the job insecurity they face owing to the Democrats' quixotic war on fossil fuels.

Fortunately, Gropin' Joe was ready to present himself as the dim light at the end of the tunnel and told the miners that getting new employment under the Biden administration would be easy-peasy if they just learn to write computer code.

"Anybody who can go down 3,000 feet in a mine can sure as hell learn to program as well," Biden enthused. "Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program, for God's sake!"

Yeah! And if you can chop down a giant tree, you can sure as Shinola become a brain surgeon! And if you can bench press 300 pounds in the gym, you can damn well learn to be a quantum physicist! God love ya, get off your ass!

Putting Joe's somewhat questionable logic aside, he's telling fairly well-paid miners to learn a new, difficult, and constantly changing skill in which they'll be competing with roughly half a billion people, largely from Asian nations, who will happily write first rate computer code for $3 a day, a bowl of rice, and a few fish heads.

Moreover, Joe seems to be forgetting that computers need more than code to run on. They need electricity...and if the Dems succeed in closing the mines and coal-fired power plants, computers will go just as dark as every home and business in America.

Which, granted, will finally be a chance for the miners to make some money by selling the rest of us helmets with little lights on them.

2019 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

As we continue our disassembly of a dysfunctional year, we now find ourselves (as Ward Cleaver used to say) stuck in...

JUNE



In yet another effort by the "non-candidate" to get her face on the news, Hillary Clinton announced that she, along with daughter Chelsea Hubbell Clinton, was creating a new film production company which would "plan to focus on stories by and about women," as if the Hallmark Channel hadn't already beaten that estrogen-heavy genre to death. The new production company was rumored (mostly by us) to be called "BleachBitch Productions."

And speaking of the B-word...



Nancy Pelosi broke with her expressed desire for greater civility in Washington by declaring that she wanted Trump's butt thrown in jail for no particular reason. We would assume this sudden bit of angry irrationality might be related to Ms. Pelosi's (ahem) "monthly visitor," except we're pretty sure there haven't been any such visits since the Truman administration.

President Trump, however, did have a little visitor that month...



Political leftists dropped to the ground in eye-bugging, spit-foaming, limb-wrenching paroxysms of pure joy when Trump honestly answered a hypothetical question from ABC's miniature newsman George Stuffanappleupyourass.

The President's answer was reasonable, logical, and legal...so of course, it was widely reported as prima facie evidence of treason. Nevertheless, Trump wasn't clapped into irons, which seemed to agitate some normally placid people...



Democrat front-runner Joe Biden declared war on Republicans (the quotes in the cartoon are real) during an address to the Moral Action Congress of the Poor People's Campaign. Which, apparently, is an actual thing. And Joe wasn't the only politician seeing things in militaristic terms...

Proving once again that her nitwittery has no limits, AOC tweeted "the United States is running concentration camps on our southern border, and that is exactly what they are. They are concentration camps."

As hard as it was to believe that anyone could be that ignorant of history and anti-American, AOC was quickly elbowed aside in...

JULY



Nike announced that they were releasing a special run of commemorative 4th of July sneakers featuring the original Betsy Ross American flag on the heel. This offended Nike's highly-paid Senior Vice President of Being Offended, Colin Kaepernick, who declared that any item featuring any permutation of the American flag was racist.

Nike pulled the shoes from the market, but was still getting dirty looks from Kaepernick because the company's name was an n-word. And even though no NFL team wanted anything to do with Kaepernick, other teams were being formed that absolutely thrived on anti-American sentiments...



The most shrill and strident freshman Congresswomen decided to band together since no one else would sit with them in the House cafeteria. The "squad" consisted of Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, AOC, and Ayana Pressley. Together, they accomplished what no one believed possible: proving that a group of women could actually be more more stupid and annoying than the hosts of "The View."

And speaking of hilariously bad television...



Robert Mueller gave testimony before Congress (at the insistence of Democrats) regarding his 400+ page nothing-burger report on Trump and the Russians. The Dems desperately hoped that Mueller would say something - anything - that might be twisted to support a Presidential impeachment.

Mueller's testimony was indeed damning...to himself. He was halting, confused, self-contradictory, and seemed so unaware of the contents of his report that many wondered if he didn't write (or read) the report at all, but simply slapped his name on it.  Mueller looked so bad on the stand that even an elusive Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "just bury that poor old SOB already."

And if the intent was to bury him in BS, an endless supply was available thanks to...



Democrat debates filled the airwaves with an overwhelming stench. But the "smell test" took an even more brutal beating in...

AUGUST



Pedophile billionaire (and pimp to the powerful) Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell of apparent "suicide," following weeks of everyone in the world predicting he would be "suicided" by those who wanted their visits to Epstein's "orgy island" kept secret.

Topping the list of suspects were the Clintons, who have so much experience at cleaning up unwanted messes that the term "Arkancide" is widely accepted by medical examiners as an official cause of death.

Desperate to distract the general public from the most Obvious Murder Ever, the media desperately needed to pounce on another story. ANY other story...



Those always amusing "anonymous sources" reported that President Trump had, on more than one occasion, told his staffers to look into the possibility of dropping nuclear bombs on hurricanes to break them apart. "This is so ridiculous, never happened," Trump tweeted. "Fake news!"

And even though it would be a terrible, terrible idea to use nukes on hurricanes, the 8-year-old that lives in our brain says: "yeah, but it would be so cool!"

Unlike the month of...

SEPTEMBER



"Shotgun Joe" Biden continued fluffing Democrat voters by coming out against the "absolutely mindless" national scourge of gun magazines that "hold multiple bullets in them."  Which would be, oh, all of them.

Joe was apparently calling for a return to single shot muzzle loaders and blunderbusses, both of which worked great (in his sometimes hazy memory) when he was a young man in the wild west, guarding wagon trains from thieves, scoundrels, and raids by Elizabeth Warren's great-grandparents.

But what Biden wasn't guarding against was another candidate vying for the critically important (and huge) Democrat lunatic vote...



A poem written by Democrat flavor-of-the-month Beto O'Rourke emerged, rekindling fierce national debate about drug abuse. The poem, written in 1988 when the faux Hispanic used the pen name "Psychedelic Warlord," was widely considered to be the most preposterous and nonsensical collection of words that would ever be uttered aloud.

To which one man said, "Hold my beer..."



After an alleged (and highly suspicious) whistleblower complaint about President Trump making an inappropriate phone call offering a quid pro quo deal to Ukraine's President, Adam Schiff presided over Congressional hearings to determine whether Mr. Trump had finally, finally committed an impeachable offense.

Unfortunately for Schiff and other rabid Democrats, the President released a transcript of the call (a call monitored by multiple parties who found no wrongdoing at the time) which revealed that it was utterly harmless and completely appropriate.

Which is why Adam Schiff then opened the hearings by "reading" a completely fictitious version of the transcript, making it sound like Trump was a tough-talking arm-breaking gangster from a 30's B-movie. When later called on this historically unprecedented level of lying, Schiff claimed that he'd intended his opening statement as "parody." An evidentiary standard roughly as legitimate as testimony coaxed from a Ouija board.

Still, the Schiff Show did manage to make some believers...

 

After hearing testimony from experts who had no actual connection with the Ukraine phone call but hated Trump anyway, Nancy Pelosi announced that she was heartbroken and prayerful about aggressively moving forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which frankly doesn't sound like a party for either of them.

And thus did the impeachment ball roll into...

OCTOBER



While a possible impeachment was the top news story, it certainly wasn't the only vitally important, politically-charged story demanding national attention...



Just in case potential voters had forgotten who was the biggest kook in the Democrat presidential race, Beto O'Rourke chose "National Period Day" to throw his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act which was, surprisingly, a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor "light day" and wealthy "supermax" tampon crowds.

With a powerful platform like that, it's no wonder that other Democrats had to up their game...



A study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg's sexual orientation to be problematic. Although it wasn't so much that the potential voters had a problem with Buttigieg being gay, but they did have a problem with how vocal he was about it. So it likely didn't help matters when the candidate announced a contest in which the grand prize was a trip to San Francisco (the gay Mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

There was, however, a better show about to take place courtesy of the Trump administration...



ISIS leader Abu Bakr-al-Baghdadi found himself the target of a daring special forces operation which ended when the terror chieftain scurried down an escape tunnel and, trapped, blew himself to bits with a suicide vest.

Rather than admit that Trump had scored a victory, the media (which had lauded Barack Obama as the new "Rambo" following the death of Osama bin Laden) decided to downplay the danger presented by the ISIS leader just an itty-bitty bit...

No, we didn't make this up.

Rather than dwell on Trump's success, the media soon threw up (and we mean that literally) other distractions in...

NOVEMBER



In keeping with her "I'm not running but look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!" string of TV appearances, Hillary Clinton was asked by The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, how she killed Jeffrey Epstein. This was met with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter rather than, oh, a denial.

Of course, Hillary didn't really throw Noah out of a window (or hire one of her regulars to do the job for her). We only said that because we are practitioners of actual parody (unlike Adam Schiff) which requires mastering the delicate balance of truth, humor, and drinking on the job. Parody is much more than just making stuff up out of thin air which, apparently, is the job of actual "journalists"...



In this cartoon, the second panel represents "parody." The first panel represents the actual crap presented as news these days. Not that crap is the exclusive province of the news media...

Yes, every non-event in the hearings was presented as a "bombshell."

Adam Schiff returned to the airwaves with actual, honest-to-God Congressional impeachment hearings. Well, impeachment inquiry hearings...what's a word here or there when you're already wiping your hiney with the Constitution?

In the inquiry, all legal standards of what constitutes legitimate evidence were thrown into a woodchipper, and neither President Trump nor the Republicans were allowed to offer up any defense. This was because Mr. Schiff was using the playbook from the Salem witch trials - which is ironic considering that his googly eyes alone would have been enough for him to get torched back then ("Your honor, Schiff looked at my cows and they dried up, my crops withered and died, and my wife gave birth to a changeling with beady peepers!" "Guilty!")

Much more of this nonsense played out during the month, so we ignored the "news" as long as we could. Which was, specifically, until...

DECEMBER



As the Democratic field of candidates dwindled, Joe Biden maintained his frontrunner status by suckling his wife's finger at a campaign stop on his wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour. People under Medicare-age had no idea what "malarkey" meant, although it seemed to have a cryptic connection to geriatric foreplay.

Meanwhile, yet another set of Congressional impeachment inquiry hearings was begun...

Chaired by Representative Jerry "Begging for a Heart Attack" Nadler, the new set of hearings was a fact-free cavalcade of "experts" testifying on whatever happened to be flitting through their highly partisan pinheads. No actual evidence of wrongdoing by President Trump was produced or presented.

This being the case, the House of Representatives voted on articles of impeachment and, in an entirely one-sided and partisan fashion, impeached a United States President for only the third time in history. The wholly unsubstantiated charges: "Abuse of Power" and "Obstruction of Congress," neither of which is a crime or even clearly defined.

This is when millions of cheering, dancing-in-the-streets, pussy hat-wearing liberals first learned that "impeachment" doesn't mean throwing a President out of office. It only means that the House of Representatives thinks that the Senate should hold a trial to consider removing the President.  A trial which should commence just as soon as the Speaker of the House delivers the articles of impeachment to the Senate to get things going.

Which, as the year blessedly staggers to a close, hasn't actually happened...



During the impeachment vote, almost every Democrat said words to the effect that Trump was an immediate danger to national security and all we hold dear. Yet Nancy Pelosi decided to sit on the articles of impeachment, and the House of Representatives galloped out of Washington for Christmas break, eager to see what wonderful gifts the lobbyists would put under their trees for being naughty.

If and when Trump is put on trial in the Senate, the Democrats' empty accusations will be ripped to shreds and the President will be quickly and fully exonerated. Which is why the Democrats don't actually want Trump to be tried. They just want to selfishly hobble the nation and distract voters from how good things actually are in order to win the next election.

Which makes 2019 pretty much the same as every year.

2019 - The Year In Review (Part One)

How time flies when the world looks like a dumpster fire! 2019 is nearly behind us and a new decade beckons in much the same way that the songs of sirens lured sailors onto jagged rocks. Which is why we think Greta Thunberg should spend more time sailing her yacht around the Greek islands without a life preserver.

But the young eco-warrior wasn't the only one who would be acting childishly in 2019, as we saw beginning in the earliest days of...

JANUARY


Removing any lingering doubts that 2019 might not suck with the intensity of an immense black hole, Nancy Pelosi wrapped her claw-like talons around a ceremonial gavel (which she refers to as "my precious") as she was restored to the lofty position of Speaker of the House of Representatives.

"Let each of us pledge that when we disagree, we will respect each other and we will respect the truth," said the aging harpy who showed her respect for the President by saying that listening to him was like being sprayed with "skunk tinkle."

However, Nancy's gift for insulting tactfully was not shared by all Democrats...



Rashida Tlaib, an incoming Muslim Congresswoman from Michigan (we believe from the district of Dearbornistan) capped off her swearing in by declaring of President Trump, "We're going to impeach that motherf*cker!" despite not having any reason to do so. This is what we in professional journalism refer to as "foreshadowing."

Or perhaps Tlaib was simply offended by the "climate of hate" created by Donald Trump, which inspired horrifying acts of cultural violence like...



Kids on a field trip to Washington from Covington Catholic High School posed for a group picture which was photobombed by a tom-tom thumping Native American (and long-term liberal activist) who got in the face of a MAGA-hat wearing kid. The young man did not react other than to smile, for which the mainstream media labeled him a Nazi, and compassionate liberals on Twitter demanded the student's death.

But sadly, this brave stand against people wearing red hats failed to prevent another horrendous confrontation in...

FEBRUARY

 

Actor Jussie Smollett put on a bravura performance (and demonstrated the critical importance of scriptwriters) when he claimed that two Trump supporters (who happened to be loitering outside at 2 a.m. during an arctic cold wave) jumped him, beat him, put a noose around his neck, and sprayed him with an unidentified liquid which was possibly skunk tinkle.

Despite an entirely predictable tidal wave of support and outrage from the liberal media, it turned out that Jussie had hired two Black extras from his show to stage the mugging as a salary-boosting publicity stunt.

Still, just because one racist attack turned out to be a complete fraud, it didn't mean America should be let completely off the hook...

To ramp up his political visibility, Joe Biden traveled to Munich to disparage our nation as an "embarrassment" for our treatment of (ahem) "refugees."  He was apparently unaware that Germany has had its own problems with setting government policies to find a final solution to the problem of unwanted masses of people.

But Uncle Joe's cluelessness was like a faint, flickering light compared to the supernova of ignorance represented by another freshman Congressperson...

 

Former and future barmaid Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, likely high on energy drinks, introduced the "Green New Deal" - a comprehensive plan to save the Earth from Global Warming by destroying our nation's energy system, ending air travel, and replacing every single home and building in the country. And all for the low, low cost of just $93 trillion! 

Of course, instituting a plan like that would require a Democrat in the White House in 2020. A notion which kicked into high gear in...

MARCH

 

Hillary Clinton declared that she is not running for President in 2020, but said she would take an active role by working with the candidates in the crowded Democratic field. In much the same way that John McClaine took an active role "working with" the terrorists at Nakatomi Tower.

Of course, few were fooled into thinking that Hillary had really given up on her all-encompassing obsession with becoming President. Rather, they simply accepted that she wouldn't literally be "running" because, let's face it, this is a woman who pays heavily-muscled men to carry her up and down stairs when not dragging her limp body into a waiting getaway van after a public appearance.

So she wasn't really lying lying. Unlike certain other Democrats...

 

Absolutely spontaneously and with no political trickery involved, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff announced that they had no intention whatsoever to pursue impeachment for Donald Trump. "Unless there's something so compelling and overwhelming and bipartisan," said the world's most partisan woman, "I don't think we should go down that road because it divides the country."

Perhaps they were sounding reasonable because they'd gotten a sneak preview of the Mueller "Russian Collusion" Report...

 

The Mueller Report showed no evidence whatsoever of Russian collusion by Trump or anyone associated with him. No evidence whatsoever of any conspiracies amongst Trump and his people. And no "objective" evidence that Trump made any attempt to obstruct justice.

All of which pretty much assured that we'd never hear accusations about Trump and the Russians again, right? What a relief! America could just go back to listening to Democratic freshman congresswomen make fools of themselves in...

APRIL

 

Representative Ilhan Omar, a ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, said that after 9/11, "Muslims were starting to lose access to our civil liberties (because) some people did something." Yeah...some people did something. The same people who seem to do a lot of somethings whenever they're offended by...what's it called? Oh yeah...civilization.

Meanwhile, with the general public finally able to read a "lightly redacted" version of the Mueller Report (not that almost anyone bothered to do so) which cleared Trump of wrongdoing, Democrats and their media mouthpieces came up with a hilarious new idea about why Trump was guilty anyway...



Collusion was out, obstruction was in, and the game was again afoot (albeit smelling like an old sock). With this highly-charged political atmosphere, our nation needed the promise of a steadying hand. Even if it was a hand that was too frequently involved in creepy groping...

 

Joe Biden made it official that he was running for President in 2020, simultaneously qualifying for "least interesting news event of 2019." Especially since he had so much company in...

MAY



For the math impaired (ie, all Democrats) that meant 24 candidates were actively running for the Democratic presidential nomination. And the big problem they all had was differentiating their positions from those of their competitors. After all, they all wanted higher taxes, more government control, socialism, Medicare for all, reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies both pre and postnatally, a "living wage" for any job which could be performed by an arthritic three-toed sloth, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, the replacement of fossil fuels with clean and affordable imaginary alternatives, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands specialized restrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates promised to feed Donald Trump in a wood chipper feet first so that Leftists could enjoy the expression on his face.

But even with so much competition, one candidate's name was on everyone's lips. Even though he did his best to muffle it...

Yes, "Gropin' Joe" Biden was leading the Dirty Two Dozen, despite credible reports from anonymous sources that he'd been spending his post-Obama years cruising near playgrounds in a battered white van with "Free Candy" painted on the side.

Not that we're judging, of course. That would clearly be insensitive of us considering the new guidelines offered in May by the World Health Organization...



The WHO (not to be confused with the greatest rock band of all time) updated their handbook, "The International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Health Problems" - a definitive resource for doctors, health insurers, and hypochondriacs who are sure that they must have something, dammit!

To make the 2019 edition special, the WHO decided to add (if not flat out make up) more "fun" medical maladies, including "compulsive sexual disorder" and "job burn out," which is defined as "chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed." Which, in our experience, pretty much describes every job we've ever held.

And while the WHO doesn't explicitly say it, we assume that they see the job-creating Donald Trump as the Typhoid Mary of stress-inducing employment.

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Join us Wednesday for The Year in Review - Part Two!