Wednesday, January 1, 2020

2019 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

As we continue our disassembly of a dysfunctional year, we now find ourselves (as Ward Cleaver used to say) stuck in...


In yet another effort by the "non-candidate" to get her face on the news, Hillary Clinton announced that she, along with daughter Chelsea Hubbell Clinton, was creating a new film production company which would "plan to focus on stories by and about women," as if the Hallmark Channel hadn't already beaten that estrogen-heavy genre to death. The new production company was rumored (mostly by us) to be called "BleachBitch Productions."

And speaking of the B-word...

Nancy Pelosi broke with her expressed desire for greater civility in Washington by declaring that she wanted Trump's butt thrown in jail for no particular reason. We would assume this sudden bit of angry irrationality might be related to Ms. Pelosi's (ahem) "monthly visitor," except we're pretty sure there haven't been any such visits since the Truman administration.

President Trump, however, did have a little visitor that month...

Political leftists dropped to the ground in eye-bugging, spit-foaming, limb-wrenching paroxysms of pure joy when Trump honestly answered a hypothetical question from ABC's miniature newsman George Stuffanappleupyourass.

The President's answer was reasonable, logical, and of course, it was widely reported as prima facie evidence of treason. Nevertheless, Trump wasn't clapped into irons, which seemed to agitate some normally placid people...

Democrat front-runner Joe Biden declared war on Republicans (the quotes in the cartoon are real) during an address to the Moral Action Congress of the Poor People's Campaign. Which, apparently, is an actual thing. And Joe wasn't the only politician seeing things in militaristic terms...

Proving once again that her nitwittery has no limits, AOC tweeted "the United States is running concentration camps on our southern border, and that is exactly what they are. They are concentration camps."

As hard as it was to believe that anyone could be that ignorant of history and anti-American, AOC was quickly elbowed aside in...


Nike announced that they were releasing a special run of commemorative 4th of July sneakers featuring the original Betsy Ross American flag on the heel. This offended Nike's highly-paid Senior Vice President of Being Offended, Colin Kaepernick, who declared that any item featuring any permutation of the American flag was racist.

Nike pulled the shoes from the market, but was still getting dirty looks from Kaepernick because the company's name was an n-word. And even though no NFL team wanted anything to do with Kaepernick, other teams were being formed that absolutely thrived on anti-American sentiments...

The most shrill and strident freshman Congresswomen decided to band together since no one else would sit with them in the House cafeteria. The "squad" consisted of Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, AOC, and Ayana Pressley. Together, they accomplished what no one believed possible: proving that a group of women could actually be more more stupid and annoying than the hosts of "The View."

And speaking of hilariously bad television...

Robert Mueller gave testimony before Congress (at the insistence of Democrats) regarding his 400+ page nothing-burger report on Trump and the Russians. The Dems desperately hoped that Mueller would say something - anything - that might be twisted to support a Presidential impeachment.

Mueller's testimony was indeed himself. He was halting, confused, self-contradictory, and seemed so unaware of the contents of his report that many wondered if he didn't write (or read) the report at all, but simply slapped his name on it.  Mueller looked so bad on the stand that even an elusive Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "just bury that poor old SOB already."

And if the intent was to bury him in BS, an endless supply was available thanks to...

Democrat debates filled the airwaves with an overwhelming stench. But the "smell test" took an even more brutal beating in...


Pedophile billionaire (and pimp to the powerful) Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell of apparent "suicide," following weeks of everyone in the world predicting he would be "suicided" by those who wanted their visits to Epstein's "orgy island" kept secret.

Topping the list of suspects were the Clintons, who have so much experience at cleaning up unwanted messes that the term "Arkancide" is widely accepted by medical examiners as an official cause of death.

Desperate to distract the general public from the most Obvious Murder Ever, the media desperately needed to pounce on another story. ANY other story...

Those always amusing "anonymous sources" reported that President Trump had, on more than one occasion, told his staffers to look into the possibility of dropping nuclear bombs on hurricanes to break them apart. "This is so ridiculous, never happened," Trump tweeted. "Fake news!"

And even though it would be a terrible, terrible idea to use nukes on hurricanes, the 8-year-old that lives in our brain says: "yeah, but it would be so cool!"

Unlike the month of...


"Shotgun Joe" Biden continued fluffing Democrat voters by coming out against the "absolutely mindless" national scourge of gun magazines that "hold multiple bullets in them."  Which would be, oh, all of them.

Joe was apparently calling for a return to single shot muzzle loaders and blunderbusses, both of which worked great (in his sometimes hazy memory) when he was a young man in the wild west, guarding wagon trains from thieves, scoundrels, and raids by Elizabeth Warren's great-grandparents.

But what Biden wasn't guarding against was another candidate vying for the critically important (and huge) Democrat lunatic vote...

A poem written by Democrat flavor-of-the-month Beto O'Rourke emerged, rekindling fierce national debate about drug abuse. The poem, written in 1988 when the faux Hispanic used the pen name "Psychedelic Warlord," was widely considered to be the most preposterous and nonsensical collection of words that would ever be uttered aloud.

To which one man said, "Hold my beer..."

After an alleged (and highly suspicious) whistleblower complaint about President Trump making an inappropriate phone call offering a quid pro quo deal to Ukraine's President, Adam Schiff presided over Congressional hearings to determine whether Mr. Trump had finally, finally committed an impeachable offense.

Unfortunately for Schiff and other rabid Democrats, the President released a transcript of the call (a call monitored by multiple parties who found no wrongdoing at the time) which revealed that it was utterly harmless and completely appropriate.

Which is why Adam Schiff then opened the hearings by "reading" a completely fictitious version of the transcript, making it sound like Trump was a tough-talking arm-breaking gangster from a 30's B-movie. When later called on this historically unprecedented level of lying, Schiff claimed that he'd intended his opening statement as "parody." An evidentiary standard roughly as legitimate as testimony coaxed from a Ouija board.

Still, the Schiff Show did manage to make some believers...


After hearing testimony from experts who had no actual connection with the Ukraine phone call but hated Trump anyway, Nancy Pelosi announced that she was heartbroken and prayerful about aggressively moving forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which frankly doesn't sound like a party for either of them.

And thus did the impeachment ball roll into...


While a possible impeachment was the top news story, it certainly wasn't the only vitally important, politically-charged story demanding national attention...

Just in case potential voters had forgotten who was the biggest kook in the Democrat presidential race, Beto O'Rourke chose "National Period Day" to throw his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act which was, surprisingly, a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor "light day" and wealthy "supermax" tampon crowds.

With a powerful platform like that, it's no wonder that other Democrats had to up their game...

A study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg's sexual orientation to be problematic. Although it wasn't so much that the potential voters had a problem with Buttigieg being gay, but they did have a problem with how vocal he was about it. So it likely didn't help matters when the candidate announced a contest in which the grand prize was a trip to San Francisco (the gay Mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

There was, however, a better show about to take place courtesy of the Trump administration...

ISIS leader Abu Bakr-al-Baghdadi found himself the target of a daring special forces operation which ended when the terror chieftain scurried down an escape tunnel and, trapped, blew himself to bits with a suicide vest.

Rather than admit that Trump had scored a victory, the media (which had lauded Barack Obama as the new "Rambo" following the death of Osama bin Laden) decided to downplay the danger presented by the ISIS leader just an itty-bitty bit...

No, we didn't make this up.
Rather than dwell on Trump's success, the media soon threw up (and we mean that literally) other distractions in...


In keeping with her "I'm not running but look at me, look at me, LOOK AT ME!" string of TV appearances, Hillary Clinton was asked by The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, how she killed Jeffrey Epstein. This was met with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter rather than, oh, a denial.

Of course, Hillary didn't really throw Noah out of a window (or hire one of her regulars to do the job for her). We only said that because we are practitioners of actual parody (unlike Adam Schiff) which requires mastering the delicate balance of truth, humor, and drinking on the job. Parody is much more than just making stuff up out of thin air which, apparently, is the job of actual "journalists"...

In this cartoon, the second panel represents "parody." The first panel represents the actual crap presented as news these days. Not that crap is the exclusive province of the news media...

Yes, every non-event in the hearings was presented as a "bombshell."
Adam Schiff returned to the airwaves with actual, honest-to-God Congressional impeachment hearings. Well, impeachment inquiry hearings...what's a word here or there when you're already wiping your hiney with the Constitution?

In the inquiry, all legal standards of what constitutes legitimate evidence were thrown into a woodchipper, and neither President Trump nor the Republicans were allowed to offer up any defense. This was because Mr. Schiff was using the playbook from the Salem witch trials - which is ironic considering that his googly eyes alone would have been enough for him to get torched back then ("Your honor, Schiff looked at my cows and they dried up, my crops withered and died, and my wife gave birth to a changeling with beady peepers!" "Guilty!")

Much more of this nonsense played out during the month, so we ignored the "news" as long as we could. Which was, specifically, until...


As the Democratic field of candidates dwindled, Joe Biden maintained his frontrunner status by suckling his wife's finger at a campaign stop on his wondrously-named "No Malarkey" tour. People under Medicare-age had no idea what "malarkey" meant, although it seemed to have a cryptic connection to geriatric foreplay.

Meanwhile, yet another set of Congressional impeachment inquiry hearings was begun...

Chaired by Representative Jerry "Begging for a Heart Attack" Nadler, the new set of hearings was a fact-free cavalcade of "experts" testifying on whatever happened to be flitting through their highly partisan pinheads. No actual evidence of wrongdoing by President Trump was produced or presented.

This being the case, the House of Representatives voted on articles of impeachment and, in an entirely one-sided and partisan fashion, impeached a United States President for only the third time in history. The wholly unsubstantiated charges: "Abuse of Power" and "Obstruction of Congress," neither of which is a crime or even clearly defined.

This is when millions of cheering, dancing-in-the-streets, pussy hat-wearing liberals first learned that "impeachment" doesn't mean throwing a President out of office. It only means that the House of Representatives thinks that the Senate should hold a trial to consider removing the President.  A trial which should commence just as soon as the Speaker of the House delivers the articles of impeachment to the Senate to get things going.

Which, as the year blessedly staggers to a close, hasn't actually happened...

During the impeachment vote, almost every Democrat said words to the effect that Trump was an immediate danger to national security and all we hold dear. Yet Nancy Pelosi decided to sit on the articles of impeachment, and the House of Representatives galloped out of Washington for Christmas break, eager to see what wonderful gifts the lobbyists would put under their trees for being naughty.

If and when Trump is put on trial in the Senate, the Democrats' empty accusations will be ripped to shreds and the President will be quickly and fully exonerated. Which is why the Democrats don't actually want Trump to be tried. They just want to selfishly hobble the nation and distract voters from how good things actually are in order to win the next election.

Which makes 2019 pretty much the same as every year.


Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Golly. And here I'd almost forgotten how messed up things really are.

JustaJeepGuy said...

I can't wait until next year's "Year In Review" when @Stilt shows just how deranged the Demo_Rats get when first, the "impeachment" trial makes laughingstocks of them all and second, President Trump is re-elected.

And so many of the Demo_Rats still will refuse to understand that "impeaching" President Trump does not mean that Hitlary Clinton automatically becomes the president.

It is still 2019 here; what's the future like there in 2020?

Brie Camembert said...

Happy New Year to you and yours, Doc.

I'm looking forward to the orange man playing the Trump card again in November (and thrashing Shrillary once again haha!) MAGA 2020

McChuck said...

May #current_year be better than the previous!

Rod said...

Parody or not; this is some the best reporting of the news all year.

@JustaJeepGuy: As I write this it's been 2020 here for 5.5 hours. We made it. 2019 was a mess; but well rested & up early with coffee in-hand, with much better personal outlook for this year; it's a nice start. I hope yours will be as well.

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

I rather suspect this year will wind up to be something of a nothingburger.

Welcome to the "Snorin' 20s"! ;-)

NaCly Dog said...

Happy Bew Year to you and yours.

[speaking softly]

You humor is an oasis of fun in a Leftist wasteland. Thank you.

capt fast said...

No year in review would be complete without celebrating the success of gun control programs in that fabled mecca of total gun control, the city of Chicago. Yes, that democrat stronghold of the faithful(a real-life parody of the book "animal farm") has raised the bar for all other cities to emulate when it comes to gun control. Not even new york city comes close. indeed, oakland california may give it a good run for the record, but Chicago holds fast to its roots of al capone and the bent nosed boys playing it rough.
totals for the year are in, folks; 2,754 people shot with 513 dead from gunshot. the Chicago Law Enforcement community has a staggering success rate of less than 20% clearance of cases for the year. yes, you have a one in five chance of being caught and tried for murder in the windy city. so take your "problems" to Chicago this coming year for all your Arkancide needs. And yes, I'm looking at you Hillary. In Chicago they do a lot more than tow cars to the sales lot for overstaying their welcome at the parking meter.

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Part II gave me some unexpected welcome chuckles.....well....actually some belly laughs. I can't wait until Random House publishes the newest word, "Arkancide." in its next dictionary.

Have a great 2020, everyone, and especially you, Stilton, for adding years to my life with your always funny/inciteful humor. Give Busty and Lucy my best. It's amazing how they never seem to age.

Will Hepburn said...

Stilt, I really appreciate your talented insights and irreverent wordsmithing. I look forward to each installment and wish you all the best in 2020.

If Trump were really smart he would have you adding your caustic wit to some of his speeches and tweets. Now, that would be fun!

Shelly said...

Happy New Year, everyone! Stilt, I am in awe of your two 2019 recaps. So succinct, so true and so damn funny.

stloucat said...

another great year of wit and wisdom from the 'big cheese'. thanks for making me smile (and sometimes snort milk out of my nose) through all the madness.

igor said...

HIPPO GNU DEER, one and all!

Now what? Oh, yeah - keep your eye on Virginia, watch the DimWits efforts to steal elections, y'all! The volume knob is only on 9 right now, wait until it gets turned to 11...

Stilt, you are going to have an overabundance of comic material, guaranteed.

robsan19 said...

Happy New Year to one and all here at Stilton's Place! BTW, point of order oh Grand Cheese Head, Trump is only the third President to be impeached. Tricky Dick resigned before before articles of impeachment could be voted on.

Terry said...

Stilt, that was an outstanding summation! Thanks for bringing much needed humor and irony to a bleak political year.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year to all.
Especially loved the June "zinger".

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- Actually, most things are pretty good. It's just when we look closely into the politics of the Left that things get ugly.

@JustaJeepGuy- If Trump wins re-election (and he MUST) the agony expressed by the Dems will be wonderful to see. Christmas may indeed come early in 2020!

@Brie Camembert- I'm still betting that Hillary will be the candidate. It will be interesting to see how things unfold.

@McChuck- Wow, it's the happiness algorithm!

@Rod- Thanks for the compliment! Although what I do isn't so much "reporting" as it is "pissing in the wind" (grin).

@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'd LIKE 2020 to be a nothingburger, but by the pricking of my thumbs something wicked this way comes...

@NaCly- An "oasis of fun," huh? Yeah, I like the sound of that!

@capt fast- Great (though sad) points about the complete failure of the Democrats when it comes to the kill zone that is Chicago. How this is allowed to continue day after day and year after year is a genuine mystery to me. But Illinois just raised taxes yet again, so maybe now they'll be able to fix the problem. Ha! Just kidding! They'll waste the tax money and the streets will still run with blood.

@Alfonso Bedoya- "Arkancide" isn't a creation of mine, but it darn well SHOULD be in the dictionary! And I'll give your regards to Busty and Lucy, who don't seem to age because laughter keeps people young. Well, laughter and a little cosmetic surgery when needed.

@Will Hepburn- Thanks for the nice words! I'd love to get the call from someone in the Trump administration to join the team and supply wiseguy material for tweets, memes, or skywriting campaigns. I used to write daily topical comedy which was syndicated nationally to radio station air personalities to (ahem) "ad-lib" on the air. Now that was a fun gig!

@Shelly- Glad you enjoyed the recap! So much gets left out, but what's there does make for a fun (and sometimes frustrating) journey.

@stloucat- I always advise people to avoid liquids when reading my stuff. Then again, I consider it high praise when someone does a spit take or nostril blowout.

@igor- I don't doubt that 2020 will provide plenty of material. I wish it wouldn't, as I'd like to spend less time being honked off (grin).

@robsan- I've corrected the text to indicate that Trump is, indeed, only the third President to be impeached - not to mention the first and only to be impeached for no frigging reason. I made the mistake of getting the "fourth to be impeached" figure from multiple mainstream news stories without doing further checking. When will I ever learn?

@Terry- My pleasure! And quite possibly my obsession.

@Anonymous- I like to sometimes throw in jokes that no one will understand if they're younger than I am. "June" was one of those.

John the Econ said...

Ironic that today starts off with Hillary on Benghazi:

Hillary Clinton Slams Trump For Not Taking A More 'Hands-Off' Approach To Embassy Attack

"After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such "rash, uncalled-for" action when he could have just "waited around a while to see what happens.""

Okay, that's the Babylon Bee, but considering that 2019 was the year of the Reality-Parody Inversion Point, who really knows?

Of course, Democrats long for the days when such problems could be forestalled by midnight flights filled with pallets of cash.

Biden's Revolution:
Democrats: We need to censor violent rhetoric
Me: (quotes Biden)
Democrats: Oh, that's just Joe. You can't take that seriously.
Me: Exactly.

AOC: Giving dumb blonde jokes a run for their money.

Kaepernick: Is he still a thing? Why?

The Squad: Actually, I think replacing the cast of The View with The Squad is a great idea. I might actually watch that for kicks and giggles.

Mueller: Wow, not even 6 months and it's like it never even happened.

The Democratic Debates: Yes, we all want to seize guns, open the jails & borders and give everyone free stuff, raise taxes, destroy wealth, and return America's economy to the 1820s. Nothing but sound bites that will have to be reported as in-kind donations to the Trump 2020 campaign.

Jeffrey Epstein: The world's most predicted suicide, the most predicted lack of evidence thereof, and followed up by the most predicted investigation that predictably came to the most predicted inconclusion. And that any of it ever happened will predictably disappear from history.

Beto: It really is a shame that he dropped out. He was a source of much needed comic relief from the other occupants of the fascist/socialist/communist not-funny clown car.

It think it's entirely possible that @Stilton's cow poem cartoon spreading across the interwebs was the last straw for the Beto-backers who finally had to ask themselves, "Why the hell are we backing this guy?". Only time will tell if that is a good or bad thing.

Schiff: Adam Schiff doesn't make me mad. What makes me mad is that there are people who'd believe anything that comes out of his mouth, even if it was only the time of day.

Impeachment: Again, after "climate change", the ultimate mass-scale gaslight operation; impeaching Trump for allegations of acts that we all now know the Obama Administration actually did.

Mayor Pete: Another illustration of the power of identity in Democratic politics; a guy who'd be nothing more than a mediocre mayor from a small mid-west town except for the fact that he happens to be gay.

The Washington Post: Democracy dies in poorly edited agitprop.

Happy New Year friends!

Dan said...

Your review of 2019 brings again my wonder to the fore -- Just HOW have we survived all these years with these bozos, jerks, crooks, and knuckleheads as our elected "betters."

For 2020 I'm looking forward to a Trump re-election. I'm also looking forward to investigations (reporters or law enforcement) finally presenting the links between Mexicans cartels and US politicians. For all to see.

TrickyRicky said...

Thanks for putting a sardonic, comic spin on events that are in reality so absurd that they would make one cry if we couldn't laugh at them. You really can't make this stuff up....Beto's poem. Wow. Thanks for reminding us of how truly disturbed the political class in this country is.

Happy New Year!

Geoff King said...

It may not be listed in Merriam/Webster as yet, but Urban Dictionary already acknowledges the term "Arkancide":

Bobo the Hobo said...

@JustaJeepGuy, welcome to the future 😆

Anonymous said...

@ John the Econ, re: Hillary on Benghazi and her Babylon Bee quote "I would have slept on it first," yeah, like she slept on Webb Hubbell's arm before he knawed it off.

Colby Muenster said...

What masterful summaries! Thanks!

I fear 2020 is going to make last year look tame by comparison as the dillyheads ratchet up the hate and rhetoric. I figure total panic will set in around August and bullshit will be getting fabricated at warp 9 speed (as Captain Nancy says, "Make it so.") by September.

JustaJeepGuy said...

@Bobo the Hobo,

Thanks! Where's my personal jet pack?? I've been waiting for the future and the jet pack for 60 years!

In town said...

Hey, why isn't anyone on the Republic side reminding everyone that Pres Clinton's failure to take out Osama bin Laden (4 times). This allowed him to get more powerful & resulted in the ability to plan/execute 9/11 tragedy. Pres Trump took out an actor from Iran that was attacking US interest & getting stronger. We really are forgetting the lessons of 9/11.